someone once said that good girls keep diaries, but that bad girls don't have time. me, i just want to live a life that i remember, even if i don't write it down. ♥

you can cut the atmosphere with a knife, it's just so tense and cold.

its amazing how you can go from having a fun, laid back afternoon to all this crap. to this house that feels less like a home, and more like a prison. to this place where no matter what you do... you just don't feel welcome... you don't feel like you belong...

Random facts for future reference:

The first day is the worst.

I like it hot.

I get cranky when I'm tired.

When I get bad head aches it helps if i lie in dark quiet rooms.

I like it cold.

The most beautiful thing I've ever seen is his face when he's asleep...

I like cuddles.

Sometimes I'd rather lie down, curl up and watch a movie than do anything else.

I don't like instant.

Nothing I can do will make you less disappointed in me.

I love falling asleep in his arms.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE :)

every time i see you i fall in love again.

i swear i still get butterflies. when your skin touches mine i feel tingly, half the time i end up with goosebumps.

its kinda weird how easily i readjust to being in your arms, to feeling your touch... and then how long it takes me to get used to the fact that you're not there anymore.

it hasnt even been that long. it was what? a week? and yet it feels like ages. not as long as that horrible two months. or the god awful three months earlier in the year. and no where near as bad by any stretch of the imagination. but... it just seems like a lifetime.

the thought of waiting until tuesday to see you again seems like someone is suggesting i chop my arm off.

it keeps getting stronger. even when i didnt think that was possible... i feel like my heart must be expanding or something... or that you keep reaching into different parts of it that i never realised existed and making them love you too...

i still think your eyes are three different colours, even though you say otherwise... but whatever they are, when i see them, when i see you look at me it just lights me up inside.

despite feeling like crap, and not being much fun to be around and really thinking im starting to come down with something... i loved spending time with you... i love spending time with you... i never really thought i could be so grateful just to be with someone... but i am.

i love you. i really love you.

im sick of dealing with your crap. you didnt do better than me. in fact, you did worse. so dont guilt trip me with expectations. i know you expected me to do better.

but you know what? i didnt. cos you know why? i couldnt.

i did my best.

and i messed up. ok?

so just... leave it.

leave me to be miserable.

i know you think you're perfect. but youre not. i know you think you're better than everyone. but youre not. i know you think i've failed you. but i havent.

no one could ever be as disappointed in me as you are. i know that. but you know what? i dont care. no one else is disappointed in me. so maybe your opinion doesnt even matter.

its not that bad... its really not.

so maybe its time you grow up, act your age and tell me 'well done, congratulations.' but of course, you wont.

because you can never just... be happy...

i dont know if im happy with it or not. i suppose i am. after all, thats pretty much what i've been sitting on all year. i suppose that its pretty good really. in fact, i know that its pretty good.

i just wonder why i felt such a sudden disappointment when i saw the number...

its a good result. certainly not a bad one. but... i don't know. i just don't know...

why can't i escape this feeling that i'm never going to get anywhere in life? that i'm never going to succeed in anything in life? that i'm never going to make anythign of my life?

why can't i escape this feeling that maybe all im doing here is wasting oxygen...?

i feel sick. i feel physically ill.

i dont know how to handle this. and i dont know what to do. and i really dont know why they have to hate it so much.

i cant handle their disapproval.

but i cant handle the thought of being without him even more.

they dont get to decide my life. and nothing they can say or do can change that.

fingers crossed i can tell them this and not throw up.

so it occured to me that i havent blogged in four days. FOUR WHOLE DAYS! i know. im as shocked as you are. like seriously, how is the world still spinning?

anyway. aside from my melodramatics about how obviously important my blog is to the survival of the world...

uhh can you ring people at 10 past 10? or is it too late? lol.

my world feels oddly at peace tonight.

i have no goals or direction in my life. no plans other than movies, seeing him, shopping, working, 'sleep'-ins, reading, watching movies, sitting on facebook/msn etc. and for once, no homework. which i suppose is obvious. because clearly school is over and therefore i have no reason to be doing assignments. no stress, no worries.

ok... so i lie. i do have stress. i do worry.

but for some reason tonight, i don't entirely know why... everything seems fine.

the whole world feels like its spinning the right way again. although ever so slightly off centre... because he cant be with me...

which makes me sound pathetic im sure.

but anyway, thats not what im getting at.

what i was intending to say is that aside from the loneliness thats eating away at me.... im good. i think... you know. tonight everything just seems simple. all i want tonight is him. he is all i need for tonight to just be... peaceful... right.

i dont even know what to say anymore...

you know what? just fuck it all. its your choice. i cant even...

im too tired to deal with this right now.

im sorry if im being a bitch. i love you. im sorry. but i need you and youre nowhere..........

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is the lies you've told just to bring yourself some peace
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
yesterday is cold and tired
yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is the day preceding today
yesterday is dead and over
yesterday is so far away
yesterday is fallen dreams
yesterday is x to the power of y squared
yesterday is the end of hope
this is your life, are you who you want to be?
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
-4 days-

i feel really sad today... and i dont know why...

i mean, stuff is kinda shit. but... it's been shit for a while now. i shouldnt be randomly feeling sad now...

oh, and about thursday... thanks heaps. now im being clingy :\ fine when theres someone like you or glitter around to be clingy to but... a freaking pain in the arse the rest of the time.

i have to work in 2 hours. dont want to today... then again i guess i never really do and then i get there and its not so bad but... this time of year sucks arse. cos its just so busy.

for a while i was all like 'sweet, eight and a half weeks of nothing to do, no where to be. time to relax. time to be me again without all this stress.'

but you know i think i've realised that just having no school doesnt make life any less busy. theres still so much stuff to do.

and the list.

you know. the list of things that we/i've gone 'after school...' or 'in the holidays...' well its fucking never ending. there is so much stuff i have to do this holidays. plus im working like half of each week. its kinda messing with my head. i feel like i dont have enough time.

i think someone (maybe lauren...?) said the other day something about almost ten months of stress for eight and a half weeks of peace. well i suppose so to an extent.

you know what im craving more than almost anything though? a day where i have -nothing- to do. where i can sit on my arse all day and not have to be going out, or working or... whatever.

of course the only thing that could top that is having him here too...

but you know. never going to happen. so why bother even wishing right...?

-sigh- i shouldnt see him... it makes me miss him more...........

-4 days-

Dear you,

it doesnt matter. you know you havent even asked me how i am in three days...?

Love me.

*

Dear Edward Cullen,

But Cedric, you're d-d-d-d-dead...?

From Harry Potter

*

Dear You,

Last night was fun :) -giggles- the guy next to me kept laughing at us. it made me laugh harder. lol. Anywho, i had fun. and OH MY GOD! lol.

Love Me.

*

Dear You and You,

I'm seeing you soon. coffee! woooooooooo! :D

Love Me.

*

Dear You,

Shopping in the morning will be fun. Hope I can cheer you up a little...

Love Me.

*

Dear You,

I'm glad you're okay...

Love Me

*

Dear Rufus,

You belong in jail.

-61 days-

he'll be back there on tuesday... i have no idea how the hell i'm going to concentrate on my english exam thinking about it.

wednesday will either make or break.

wednesday could be the day i break.

thursday will be the day i come alive again...

i need him.

and i need wednesday so that i know that everything is okay...

i need to see her. to talk to her. to make sure she's ok...

what would it be like to be married to someone you hate? to not realise you hate him until it is too late? the fact that he doesnt work any more, he smokes more than 2 packs per day, he consumes about $10 worth of ice coffee each day, he drinks. i mean god, he's getting mouth cancer from the smoking. he has to stop. but he's abusive when he doesnt smoke or drink.

imagine knowing in the back of your mind the entire time that you didnt love him truly... imagine knowing somewhere deep down in your mind that even if you did love him, he did not love you. imagine knowing that this wasnt good for you... imagine marrying a guy because you were so unsure of yourself that you thought noone would ever want you.

it took me so long to convince him that going up there and beating the shit out of him for what he did wouldnt help. we would all love to... we would all love it if he did... god knows he deserves it. but it wont help...

she cant go back to him...

they're all falling apart. everyone is falling apart...

and i dont know how long i can help hold everyone together. i dont know how well -i- can hold -myself- together. i need wednesday. i need him to be okay. i just fucking need him to be okay. i need him to be alright... my family will fall apart completely if he is not alright... if anything goes wrong we're going to lose more than just him.

and we cant do that right now.

i need him to be okay...

Dear Rufus, you belong in jail.

the top movie lines that never fail to make me cry:

1. 'I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me.' - Notting Hill
2. 'All i know is, you're beatuiful...' - A Walk to Remember
3. 'Indefinitely.' - Notting Hill
4. 'Dad! Thanks for telling me the story.'
'You're welcome. I didn't get to tell you the happy ending.'
'What is it...?'
'You.' - Definitely Maybe
5. 'But you know the thing about romance... People only get together right at the very end.' - Love Actually

-53 days- D=

so... i donwnloaded firefox finally. and i like. its pretty. and pink. and i have colourful tabs. which makes me smile.

i lost three and a half kilos this week. that also makes me smile.

aside from that, pretty boring day.

was in a bit of a bad mood.

although slightly hyper at the same time.

definitely a comfort foody kinda day.

you know what the best comfort food in the whole world is? jatz, with cream cheese and sweet chilli sauce.

you know what i need?

sleep.

im just so tired...

its like my capacity to think (or brain as i told deb and lauren earlier this week), has just gone completely out the window. i cant do it. i cant think straight and so half the stuff i say comes out sounding stupider than i normally sound. which is you know, not good.

my ability to cope with things and deal with things and handle things has gone out the window. like i keep crying. just all the time. the tiniest thing happens and BAM! tears. like i was sitting there in the library today. and for no reason at all tears just kept welling up in my eyes and they wouldnt stop. i almost cried in nutrition. for no reason. at all. whatsoever. mrs irving lost my work. then told me i only got 15 out of 20 for it. i came so close to crying its not funny. but when theres no one around... the tears just dont stop.

i have two stupid assignments left. one that i just have to edit my draft. the other i just have to analyse 3 poems in dot points. not even write an essay. and i just cant do it... i just cant.

i want this to be over. i need the school year to just end. im hanging out for next tuesday. and after that, thursday. and after that friday. i cant wait. i just wish it'd come now...
-51 days-

i used to close my eyes and pray that time would pass me by so i could fly away in my dreams to anywhere unreal and i'd hide away from everything. quietly and gracefully you move around the weight of the evidence. what a shame we all because such fragile broken things, a memory remains just a tiny spark. sweet silver bells all seem to say throw cares away cos christmas is here bringing a cheer to young and old. light of the world, shine down on bethlehem. i could stay awake just to hear you breathing, watch your smile while you are sleeping, while you're far away and dreaming. did you wake up on the right or the wrong side of the bed today? and when my life is over, remember when we were together, we were alone and i was singing my song for you. maybe you're falling so in love or your heart is about to break. i can be your sunshine girl or the company for your misery. all the things she said, all the things she said, running through my head. well she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention cos that's just ridiculously odd. everyone's changing i stay the same. i try to play it cool acting like what you do don't phase me. in the dead of night i feel you there and i ask myself if you're really there. sometimes i need you more than i want to. tell me you love me. i just swear that i'll always be there. there must be something in the air, she said. watch your mouth because your speech is slurred enough that you just might swallow your tongue. she had an earthquake on her mind, i almost heard her cry out as i left her far behind and knew the world was crashing down around her. cos baby im not okay when you go im not fine please be all mine i never want you to go because i am all yours so please be all mine. does anyone know how i feel, sometimes im numb, sometimes im over come. do i have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm? i need release. soon its gonna be over soon. we're gonna wake up lost and find ourselves confused. there was a time when i thought i had you figured out. you remind me of a cigarette, you burn up slowly and then go out like that, you make my head hurt, you make my skin stink. i want more than just to try and love you. jekyll and hyde. seven years old you heard me cry. i dont want to say goodbye to the only man that i love. i dont think i can live without you. now i know you're breaking in two. with tears running down his face he says we're gonna make it, we're gonna make it. i've been there, i know how it feels to wonder if love is even real. its gonna be okay. another day all alone again. do you remember how we made it through the rain. can we just love again, kiss again i just want to be us again, just hold each other close again, make it to the very end, baby i will leave you never, i just wanna spend forever with you. i think im running out of tears. i see you smiling everyday, looking back at me like nothign ever changed. why am i here without you? if i could make heaven wait i'd find a way to ask god if he had made some mistake. when did you last let your heart decide? there is no need to throw your arms around me. we all lied for a moment. i wouldnt be the same without you. the little things you do to me are taking me over i want to show you everything inside me, like my nervous heart that is crazy beating. walking, stumbling on these shadow feet. im not the type to get my heart broken. i woke up today, woke up wide awake in an empty bed staring at an empty room. what do you see when you look at me cos i could have lived your life instead. i wanted you to know i love the way you laugh i want to hold you high and steal your pain away.
-45 days-

watch you walk and watch you run and i'll always be the one chasing you. see you faint, i see you fall, and i'll be sure the one to catch you... cos i found my happiness with you... stay with me just a bit longer now... don't find the time to say your goodbyes and please dont leave me... cos i want you... cos i want you now... i know you'll go away but i'll leave the light on in case you find your way home cos you're my mystery that makes life interesting and i found my happiness with you... stay with me just a bit longer now... dont find the time to say your goodbyes... and please dont leave me... cos i want you... cos i need you now... stay with me just a bit longer now... dont find the time to say your goodbyes... and please dont leave me... cos i want you... please dont leave me... cos i want you... cos i want you now...
-45 days-

haha that line reminds me of st trinians. remember? 'red ones bring you up, blue ones bring you down?' -giggles- drugs :D :D :D :D

oh. my. god.

anyway... that wasnt my purpose for logging on... but i dont remember what that was now... so i guess im off to play some cafeworld and i'll blog later when i -can- remember. sorry.

-43 days.......-

so i was talking to a friend of mine... and now i want your opinion. your answers. what you think in response to this statement. please comment. unregistered users/anonyomous users are allowed to comment too, so please do.

how do you stay clean in a world soaked with filth?
-40 days-...=(

i'm tired. of everything... i can't do this. not anymore. i just can't......
-39 fucking days-

so i was talking to one of my closest friends about break ups... and it made me think about earlier this year... about how at the start of this year i seriously thought i would be better off killing myself than even attempting to live without you... but anyway, this wasnt what i was logging on here to say.

so here it is. he's my brother. no one is allowed to pick on him and call him names and beat him up except for me. and my sister. although i admit, she does more of that than i do. anyway, the point here is, that he's mine. thats my job. not anyone elses. and it really shits me off when people treat him like crap because he's tiny, and because he's 'the weakest link' so to speak. i know he can't hold his own in a fight with this guy. b ut he cant keep just copping this shit all the time either. eventually he's just going to snap, and punch this guy... and i will be proud of him to be honest. but he will be the one in trouble, not the guy bullying him. i swear to god if this guy so much as looks at him the wrong way, he's going to have to deal with me. now i may not seem that scary...... but when i really, and i mean reeeeeeeally, want to be, i am your worst nightmare. besides, i have one other asset working for me. my cousin. considering his little brother is also being bullied by this guy. and my cousin, is fucking HUGE. at least compared to this guy anyway. when im finished with this kid, he is going to wish he was never born. and i will make sure of it, because that is the way he has made my brother feel.

in other news, i have sooooooooo much homework to do that i just... cant do. i feel too sick for it... and too tired... i should really learn to sleep... and im kind of worried. cos im messed up... more so than usual. something has gone wrong.............. but i wont go into details of that. because im sure its just my body trying to fuck with my brain and theres nothing really wrong... hopefully. anyway... night...
-35 days-

new chapter is up.

im actually really happy about it... im getting all these really nice comments from randoms who are reading my story and... that makes me smile :D

in other news, i am dead... i cant move. i've passed out twice in the past hour and a half... i feel like im going to vomit. i kept screwing things up today. and now i cant concentrate to do my homework......... basically im screwed...

also, the people across the road suck arse. they had a halloween party last night. i mean, gosh people this is australia not america. we dont do halloween over here. and even if you do, you dont have a party that lasts all night long, play music so loud that its impossible for the people in the five surrounding houses to even hear themselves -think-. you dont end a party at 6.30 in the morning. and you dont have people leaving between 3.30 and 6.30 honking their car horns as they drive down the fucking street.

fuck, i need sleep...
-35 days-

1. Run away. Run away fast.

2.Why don't you go and take a photo of that...?

3. Make snide remarks that he just so happens to over hear

4. Say you need to talk about girls things; like menstruation or penises

5. If all else fails, say really loudly in a whiny voice 'I'm bleeding from my vagina!!!'
-33 days-

i was already feeling sick. but when i found your words from nine months ago, i swear to god i felt my stomach give out again. i feel physically ill. i think i almost threw up again. then again that might just be the fact that i tried to eat lunch...

you were so sad. so upset. so completely and utterly devastated. and i did that to you.............. and im still so sorry.... just so you know, i still feel bad about it every day... i love you.
-33 days-

sooooooooooooo we had a tourism excursion today. was relatively boring. lol. fun. but boring. at least until we got to lunch time. when we decided we wanted Chinese. me jac and lauren got a meal between the three of us (salt and pepper squid with a side of fried rice, spring rolls and satay chicken) and still didn't manage to finish it. anyway, we had fun. and then we went on a tour of the beach house. which for those of you who don't know is like a tiny water park. lol, seriously 4 slides, a 100 year old beautiful carousel, a ferris wheel, bumper cars, arcade games and bumper boats. anyway, the owner decided that we could all have a ride on the carousel and the bumper cars. which was fun.

but after the excursion was over me jac and lauren were still there and we decided to go on the bumper boats. which was soooooo fun. we were basically on these little boat things, and we like steered them with one joystick and squirted water with the other one. which was fun. cos we like chased each other around this little pool squirting water until all three of us were drenched and looked something like this :



of course, being the smart girls that we are, we went on the boats in our school uniform. which ended up drenched. along with us. what you cant tell from these photos is how wet we actually were. we were dripping. our clothes were stuck to our skin. our shoes were squelchy. our hair completely messed up. and yet none of cared. not even lauren (i know, im as amazed as you are :P). haha.

we had fun. for once. it was, for me at least, a bit of a release. lol, we ended up going to the reject shop and buying a towel and a 5 pack of undies just in case anyone is interested.

luckily thought, we brought a change of clothes cos we went out tonight too. to see a movie. and do some shoppping. and me and lauren and kel all bought a dress each. and i like mine. its pretty. im going to wear it tomorrow night. cos its pretty, and summery. and its going to be freaking 36 degrees!!! which sucks arse. cos i hate hot weather. except now i have my dress. so i shall wear that tomorrow night. and it will make me happy. anyway, below are some pics of us on the bus. -shrug- theyre up here cos we're cool and you all know it! haves a good night!

-32 days-

Okay lovey. here goes.

top five phrases that make me want to crawl into my bed and NEVER come out.

5. in the words of mr clark 'and the blood was just gushing out...'
4. 'about what you said...'
3. 'i need to talk to you/we need to talk'
2. 'you'll hardly feel a thing...'
1. 'i guess i won't see you again until...'

happy? :D
-32 days-

Dear Spike,

i've never had to knock on wood but i know someone who has, which makes me wonder if i could. I've never had to knock on wood and i'm glad i haven't yet, because i'm sure it isn't good. That's the impression that I get.

:P i'd sing higher for you but i think i'd break some windows.

Love Leish

*

Dear Year 12s,

I signed Kate's t-shirt today. and left her a little good luck note. and it made me sad. i hadn't realised how much i'm actually going to miss this year's year twelves :( also, to the three random year twelves who came and wished us luck for next year, good luck to you too. good luck to you all. you'll be great.

Love Leisha

*

Dear Evil Witch,

you have a blog now! yay! and im your first and only follower! thats exciting and not at the same time. people should follow her blog. www.sanctuary-windshadows.blogspot.com she is cool. yay. especiallly her latest post. i laughed so hard i almost fell off my chair.

i love youuuuu

♥ Leish

*

Dear brain,

i had a whole list of things/people i had to write letters to in you and you lost it. bitch! give me back my list :(

♥ me

*

Dear VacSwim,

Why yes, as a matter of fact, my child/children did enjoy the VacSwim program in previous years. Of course they did.... No, they will not be coming back this year. Or next year. Or the year after that. You know what? Maybe you could send me another letter oh... i dont know... after they're born?

Sorry for the inconvenience. I'm afraid i just can't concieve and give birth and make my children old enough to attend VacSwim before January.

Leisha.

*

Dear headache,

Please go away before i make you go away. i'm sorry, i know you would like to stick around and cause me pain... but i'm not really in the mood for it right now. i'd say try me later, but i highly doubt that i'll be in the mood later either. I have a packet of panadol and a packet of nurofen in my bag, and i'm not afraid to use it.

Be scared, Leisha.

*

Dear back/neck,

See above.

*

Dear Coffee,

I drank you this morning. And now I want to drink you again. Please?

I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssss much.

Leisha.

*

Dear money,

you got paid to me yesterday, i would reeeeeeally appreciate you showing up in my account before 5.30 tomorrow night. That would be great.

Thanks, Leish.

*

Dear Glitta,

Hope you don't mind. i photo spammed your camera. :D you know you love me. use any on my 21st and i kill you

love love love love love,
Leish.

*

Dear Princess,

Come back. We miss youuuuuuuuu. i'm in supervised right now without you, and im helping ben write a blog to attract more followers. tis funny. you should read it. it will make you laugh. haha.

i love choo ♥

*

Dear Charming.

I don't know what to say. I love you. I miss you.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Leish...

-30 days-

These are my secrets... Some of them anyway. Post your secrets. This idea is inspired by PostSecret.

-28 days-

My history teacher is a crack up. he said this.

'Tacos are made from the limbs amputated in public hospitals, snails are a
part of God's war on lettuce, and blue cheese is part of a massive mind
control experiment run by the CIA and KBG. Anymore questions?'

it made me laugh. and therefore i decided you all should hear it. lol. sorry.
-25 days-

for they confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the lord was my support.
-25 days-

i was going to post. but now i dont know what i was going to say... there was actually something... and now i dont know what it is.

so instead, here is something a little random for you to puzzle over. why does emotion trigger physical response.

in fact, not just that. but why do certain emotions trigger specific physical responses?

why dont we laugh when someone dies? smile when we hurt ourselves? why dont we cry when someone tells a funny joke?

well, that was random...

anyway...

people in this class are really loud. which means getting work done is almost impossible. as with tuesday, i could have a more productive day at home. but whatever.

sooooooooooo....

you know... when i was little i wasn't scared of much.

i used to climb trees, until i fell from almost the top of a pinetree. didnt break anything. just bruised my arse. but ever since, i've been scared of heights. wont even climb the ladder at work to get something down because i dont like to have my feet off the ground...

i used to like dogs.. but these days they terrify me.

i think i've always hated fire. see we used to have this wood fire in our lounge room. and i was scared of the door being open cos i thought something scary lived inside. i used to help bring in the wood from the wood shed and scrunch the day's newspaper into balls. but as soon as the door was opened id run away...

i guess thats where that fear sparked from. what else am i scared of? i dont even know... theres so much.........

im scared of people leaving me because it always seems that the people who mean the most to me walk out of my life and i never hear from them aagian. except for lately

cos people love me yay! lol. i dont know.. people dont leave for good as much these days...

im scared of trusting people cos it always seems that the people i trust the most are the ones who stab me in the back. then again, as with the above, thats the way it used to be. but not these days.

i just so happens that i have good friends now yay :D lol. and by now i mean for like the past few years.

but anyway. whatever.

i dont know what im going on about here...

take me take me where ever just take me i wanna ride wont you be my guide

you know one thing ive discovered? that i dont know anything. i have all of these things. things that i thought i knew. ways i expected things to be. how i expected things to turn out. but i knew nothing, nothing was how i expected it to be, nothing turns out the way i expect.

which is a bit of a mindfuck really.

cos you expect somethign to happen one way, and next thing you know everything is completely different to what you expected....

if i dont say this now i will surely break.is there a reason? the road i want to take... do i cry too much? am i too outspoken? i fall, i freeze, i pray down on my knees.

you know what i love? the fact that i have facebook on my phone. it makes boring lessons fun :) yay.

and stuff... so yeah.

we're going karaoke-ing. some time anyway. they decided they'd wait for me to turn 18 or else we'll go in the holidays to a place i can get into being under 18 lol. its mine and jessie's fault. for singing so much out the back at work. lol. we're not very good. but it makes sunday morning shifts more fun. lol.

anyway... lunch in 10 mins and i'vespent my entire double lesson blogging, facebooking and talking. lol. lovely. im going to be stressing tonight. just so you all know. if i snap at you or yell at you or whatever then thats cos im stressing and im sorry in advance. lol. going now.
-25 days-

they tell you where you need to go. what's wrong baby? Please don't be so naive. run, it's always your instinct. i found myself today. how can you see into my eyes? when i grow up..... I was so lost. he keeps his heart safety pinned to his backpack. once in a lifetime means theres no second chance. here we are. it feels like forever since i can remember. its hard to argue. fell asleep by the telephone. i could tell my heart each time. who can make you mad? having trouble staying asleep. deep in denial. oh i feel so tired. i can hardly keep open my eyes. you've got everything. there is something in the air. i never felt nothing like this before. every day feels like monday. seems like it was only yesterday. she was living here. her eyes are open like a book. i'm all choked out on the ground. i've got the memories. but i cant go back. i wear a disguise. wake up with bloodshot eyes. in the night i hear them talk. the coldest story ever told. i wish that i could close my eyes and time would pass me by. my heads full of thoughts. six thousand thoughts, i cant focus on one. i could stay awake. i want to dance the tango with chance. im sitting in a room made up of only big walls. when it rains on this side of town it touches everything. i love everything about you. head over heels. i was yours. youre the one place i come home. pure, crazy, blameless, completely unashamed. everything is broken. hope everything is alright. we're losing daylight. automatic, systematic, hydromatic. together everyone. i can't believe that im here in this place again. you make me invisible. i need you. i took a walk. here we go. we got problems. we dont know how to solve them. we got baggage. skeletons that follow us everywhere we go. the way you love. im not a perfect person. how long will it take to come undone? girl you cant dance forever. scared to look. i'd give up forever. tried to take a picture of love. loving you. sparkling angels. i hear you praying. making my way. staring blankly ahead. maybe i've been the problem. maybe i'm the one to blame. everyone looks so lonely...
-24 days-

so guess what, i can see my blog on the school computers again! yay!

in other news, im in a shitty mood today. i get up in a bad mood, after not sleeping again, spending half of my night doing yoga (lol. i know. im a retard. but you have to do something when you're exhausted and stressed and its two forty seven and you still havent gotten a wink of sleep) and the other half studying. And yet i still failed my practice psych exam. which i suppose means im going to fail the real thing.

i got in the shower. it was cold. i brushed my hair. it decided to stick up and make me look stupid anyway. i took one look at my small pile of make up and decided i couldnt be bothered. i got ready, dressed in my uniform and was about to leave when all of a sudden i hear 'why are you wearing your uniform?' thats right, because the whole world (except for me of course) knew that it was casual day today. run back to my room. look for clothes. uhh what to wear? the first thing i could find of course...

get dropped off outside coles secretly glad that i have the excuse that i had to walk past to explain the block of chocolate that just so happened to end up in my bag, the $3 that just so happened to disappear from my wallet. although i really didnt eat much of it myself cos im too nice and shared it.

failed psych practice test. worked out that despite hours and hours of studying i dont know anything. at all.

recess was fine i guess. uhhh in fact. i dont know. maybe it was fine. maybe it wasnt. i actually dont remember... which is not good. cos it was like not even an hour ago. wait. yes i was. i dont know... its 12.21. you do the maths. i dont even know what time recess is.

Am now in english (or... supposed to be in english, but im in the computer labs instead cos well... im supposed to be being productive. i've written one sentence. And a heading.) and im coming to the sudden realisation that this assignment is not going to be done by friday. no way. no way in hell. i asked her for an extention. considering im baby sitting tonight and tomorrow night. yay. and she didnt exactly say yes or no. so im going to assume that that is a yes. and i now somehow have to find a way to finish this assignment by monday.

pretty much im just screwed. im going to fail everything. if i fail the rest of this year that means i fail six subjects. ive already failed one. that means i'll have failed seven. which means that i'll fail my sace. which means i cant go to uni. i probably cant go to uni. i dont know what i'll do at uni anyway. i'd be an awful teacher. maybe i should just join jessie and take a bartending course and travel europe bartending and baristering... i intend to do the barister thing anyway... besides this way i wouldnt have to come back in time for uni to start.

the only thing keeping me would be missing him............ but maybe he could come with me. for a while anyway... i want to go. i want to travel. i want to see the world.

but then again i dont. im scared of going anywhere alone. how could i go travelling alone...? i cant. -sigh- maybe i should go with jessie... maybe i should go.. and come back with her in time for uni to start again.

you know part of me doesnt know why i want kids, or why i want to teach. im going to be an awful teacher. im going to be a worse mother.

you know reading over this post im thinking about how trivial the stuff im talking about is. theres all this shit going on, and yet for some reason i cant bring myself to talk about it, like talking about it will bring it into the open, make it real. and so instead im focusing on all of this trivial crap. like failing. and things that havent happened. and things that wont happen.

instead of talking about what has happen.

if i push it down enough maybe it will go away. maybe i can pretend there is nothing. maybe i can convince myself the way that i convince other people.

you know what i was remembering? a few years ago. when i thought i had problems. i didnt have problems. i thought i did. but i didnt. i had no idea. i remember when i thought it was really bad, and i...l cant even explain it... but i needed to make myself feel something. i needed to make myself feel pain. and so i wore hairties. you all saw/knew about/stole from me at various times the one on my wrist... but what none of you knew was that i used to wear them all the way up my arm. a hairtie every 3 or 4 centimetres. slowly but surely cutting off the circulation to my arms.

back when i thought i had problems. if i only knew... i suppose the difference between then and now is that im better at coping. i mean thats not to say im not on the edge right now... but... im coping better than i was then...

anyway... enough of my ranting. sorry about the long post. im impressed with anyone who actually got all the way to the end. bravo. you must be bored by now. sorry.
-24 days-

im screwed. i am actually 100 percent fucking screwed.

today i took a day off.

decided i could get more work done at home than i would have gotten done in my classes at school. which to be fair is true, i have gotten more work completed. but i also havent gotten -any- work completed. well no. thats not what i mean. what i mean is that i havent gotten enough done.

i mean i know its only 12 o'clock.

but im sitting at my desk looking at how messy everythign is... and i just... can't do anything. i cant concentrate on a single thing. because its too messy. and so i tried to clean up. but it wont work. even when everything is cleaner it still feels messy.

i cant work until everything is perfect. and yet if i want to get everything done i dont have time for perfection.

so it seems im someone i've never met. you will only hear these elegant crimes fall on your ears from criminal dimes. they spill unfound from a pretty mouth. everybody gets there and everybody finds their way...now i know i'm the one to blame. come save me from walking off a windowsill or i'll sleep in the rain. don't you remember when i was a bird and you were a map? the sky is falling off the ceiling, while i'm tucking fibs into a cookie jar...
-23 days-

Okay, so here is what i want you to do. Below is a list of questions or statements; answer each one with a picture explaining your response. After you're done, link your post to mine and leave a comment :D Your pictures may include writing if you like, and you may add captions if necessary to explain.

Right now you feel:

Something you want to say to/about somone you love:

Your life looks like:

If you could choose to look like someone else you would choose:

One thing you would like to live without:

Deep down inside you are:

this is just a post to inform you all that i fail with technology and if you get any nonsensical messages, incomplete messages or just random blank messages from me, blame my serious ability to literally repel technology.

i mean, first i wash my ipod... and then i drop my phone into a sink of hot water. i mean, at least my phone still... mostly works... by which i mean, sometimes works... by which i mean that i sent him about three thousand weird messages that made no sense (cos i'd like press the '2' and it would type a 't') before it decided to let me send him one explaining that. also, if i dont get your message, dont call me angrily lol. anyway, this time it wassnt completely my fault. to be fair, i wash pushed. whilst not paying much attention. whilst messaging him. keeping in mind how uncoordinated i am....

yeah. i fail. :D yay.

*****EDIT*****
actually, now that my phone decided to turn itself off and my 'unlock/menu/send' button has decided to fail and not work and hate me and make my life difficult, i dont think its going to work at all... shiiiiiiiit
-20 days-

i would give anything to be with him right now. to be able to just... hug him, cuddle up to him on a couch for a while... just be -with- him...

i'm a whiner. i'm a complainer. i know. the fact that im even posting this will annoy certain people because supposedly im possessive or demanding or something to that extent. but you know what? i dont think i even care anymore.

get mad at me for posting this. bitch and rant about me behind my back. i honestly do not give a fuck anymore.

i love him. i miss him. i want him. i need him.

and that is the way it is. im over apologising for it. im over feeling like i shouldnt miss him, and like i dont have the right to miss him or occassionally not be in the best mood for that reason (or others) got it?

if you have a problem with me, thats fine. but say it to my face. dont backstab me and hide behind charades of being my friend.

anyway, ive gotten completely off topic.

what i wanted to say is that i love him. that i miss him... and that seeing as today is our 2 yrs and 5 months anniversary i was randomly thinking about that... and realised we havent actually spent an anniversary together since our six months. i mean not that this one particularly matters. or really that any of them do... its just... i want to be with him. i want the chance to spend time with him. i dont want to be guilt tripped so often for feeling sad or miserable, or just for missing him. i dont want to be tild to get over it. because i wont. until i can be with him....

i love him...
-18 days-

i cant do it.
im going to fail anyway.
there is no point.
may as well just give up now.
-17 days-

I just cant do it. I get behind the wheel of the car (already on the street of course, so that I don't hit the other car going down our ridiculous driveway...). I stall it starting out, twice of course, before I manage to get it going. Our first gear of course is a bit screwed up which makes it harder to drive, so of course I change up to second. A lovely grinding noise coming from the car for no particular reason other than the fact that I am driving and it wants to make my life as fucking difficult as it can. Check that I'm in gear. Yes. Check that the hand brake is off. Wait, of course it is, we are moving after all. Okay, nothing wrong with it. Turn car off. Turn car on. Start up again. Stall it twice before I start to move. Car starts making the same noise again half way up the fucking hill. Stall it. Stop. Turn car off. Turn car on. See car going around the roundabout at the bottom of the street. Stall it three times this time. Finally make it into the carpark, stall it at the giveway sign. Turn car off. Turn car on. Try again. Car pulls up behind me. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it again. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it of course. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. Car door opens behind me. Person gets out, obviously sick of waiting. Sorry. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. Person beeps horn. Do weird thingo that I do when I'm really stressed, like run fingers through fringe and push back out of eyes. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stop panicing. Stall it. Turn car off. Turn car on. Bunny hop it around the corner. Get in second. Go. Park as far away from all other cars as possible. Run to Coles. No hamburger buns. Run to Woolworths. Buy hamburger buns, just making it before the store closes. Run back to car. Get in. Seatbelt. Turn car on. Stall it. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. For fuck sake. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. Stall it. Fucking stall it. Resist urge to scream. Must resist urge to scream. Fuck this. I'm buying an auto. Turn car on. Stall it. Make dad drive. Mentally curse the freaking guy who beeped his horn at me.

I hate it when people do that. Seriously dude, Go around me. Or wait. I'll only be a couple of hours. Or better yet, leave your car there, run into the shops, come back. I'm sure I'll still be there, guarding your car for you. It'll be fine. You know the fucking yellow plates with the massive black 'L' on the back? yeah? You know the ones I'm talking about? That means I can't drive for shit okay? That means be patient with me and i'll be out of your way as soon as I can. Fuck.

***

In other news, you know what pisses me off? When people judge you without even knowing you. When people make assumptions and judge you before knowing the tiniest detail about you, or your life. Seriously, I don't judge you. I accept you without even knowing you. So don't judge me. You know nothing about me. You don't live my life. And until you've lived my life and done a better job of dealing with it than I have, then you can't judge me.

******DISCLAIMER******

And just so that this isn't confused by anyone, this is not a direct hit at anyone reading this... unless my blog is being read by people without me knowing... But anyway, this isn't aimed at anyone of you. it is just me ranting and raving and getting it out...
-13 days-

My baby is your dumpster?

So that's why he's called Eeyore...

5+4=7

Ohh... That's why the movie is called Whip It!


Yes, indeed my friends, I am really that stupid.

Thank you, and goodnight!
-12 days-

I am a daughter.
I am a child.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.
I am a neighbour.
I am a colleague.
I am a student.
I am a confidant.
I am kind.
I am mean.
I am a screw up.
I am a failure.
I am a bitch.
I am cruel.
I am mean.
I am awful.
I am undeserving.
I am selfish.
I am coldhearted.
I am ugly.
I am hitting rock bottom.

So we all know I'm a complete retard. Need further proof off this? view here. I have done something insane today though. I was just listening to this CD. One of only a few half decent CDs may day has ever bought in his life. And I heard this song. And immediately replayed it like five times. I have chosen the song for my father/daughter dance thingo.

She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling me
Saying, 'Dad, I need you.

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practise my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?'

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, 'Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practise my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?'

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

And she'll be gone...

She comes home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, 'Dad, the wedding is still six months away
But I need to practise my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?'

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

You know it's kind of weird. I actually want to learn to dance properly lol. Then again people like me probably couldn't do anything like ballroom dancing. For starters, I'm too uncoordinated for that, besides... It'd just look like a scene from Dance Your Arse Off. Which would be bad. I'll have to see if anyone is insane enough to marry me first.
-10 days-

two months.

i will see him in two months...

i'm sorry, i know that i probably complain about this a lot... that you're all sick of hearing it. and that you're all sitting there going 'it's two months. get over it.'

but its not that easy...

thats not even a promise, that i'll see him in two months. two months time is just... the next time that its... possible...

i remember when a lesson without him felt like a long time, a night without him, a weekend apart... holidays, two weeks of hell.

and this.. well, i know everyone probably thinks i should be used to it by now. this is, after all, the way it has been since the start of last year...

i know that i still mostly act the same... still able to laugh and smile and joke...

but without him... im not right. i feel like... like half of me is missing. idk, you probably all think im being melodramatic. but sometimes i miss him so much i am literally physically in pain.

two months isnt the longest. i mean, i think the longest was about four...

its just... kinda hard... you know... you see him for like... a couple of hours. maybe. if youre lucky. and then he's ripped away. of course, by "you" i mean "me" or "i" but... im a retard... its just so weird. you go from being fine, to on a massive high, to suddenly finding yourself lost again...

two months is a long time...
-8 days-

well, Princess decided to convince me to sign up to a writing site... so here goes: my first story is called secrets and lies or visit my profile page cos im cool like that. lol.

im just worried no one will like or read anything i post :S

i complained. i know i did.

but it was a great weekend.

actually surprisingly more fun than usual. i suppose everyone is a little older.

we didnt do what we normally do, we branched out a little, tried some new things.

and it was fun really. i just... missed him... and was in pain... and omg it was so fucking cold. like seriously, swear to god, i went to bed every night wearing 3 jumpers, 1 jacket, 1 long sleeve shirt, 2 tshirts, 3 pairs of trackies, one pair of pj pants and four pairs of socks. i also had like a million and one blankets. i swear it WAS that cold. lol.

but it was good. it was nice to have a break :)

close the door, but so its open

climb up, but not too high

take back the words, but we'll never forget what was said

kill yourself, but not so you're dead

its not your fault, but youre totally to blame





if you don't want me to leave don't push me away...
-8 days-

I'm sorry, I was just re-reading your posts... And the comments made on them... Just to make sure I wasn't over reacting too much...

And in your first post... I hadn't even seen your comment until about five seconds ago...

I merely explained to you that it had nothing to do with her, that I would have talked to her about it if it did.

And you respond with what?

'Get off my fucking back! I even apologised to you you stupid bitch! Now leave me alone!'

A) i see absolutely NO apology until three posts later... and B) why the hell should I accept or respect it if you call me a stupid bitch?

Before I was considering that I was over reacting. That maybe the friends who were telling me to lay off, to calm down, to get over it... That maybe they were right. But they weren't.

Don't you dare say I am over reacting. Don't you fucking dare.

I don't understand. I really don't.


So you read a blog. One that I have written. You immediately decide to take it completely out of context and decide to post a rather unkind post about me on your blog, basically threatening me about my blog. Threatening to KILL me may I point out. Something that even if it was a joke, I could have you up on cyber bullying charges for if I was that mean.


Then proceed to inform me that you 'dearly want to help' me. Which may I point out, you have a really funny way of showing. And decide that you have done nothing wrong and it is up to me if i lose a supposedly close friend. which yeah, once you were. but hey, this is the second time this year you've jumped to ridiculous conclusions and thrown around ridiculous accusations.


And then you say 'I even tried to apologise for any wrongs she may have got into her head that i committed.' Look, i'm sorry, and i know that the rest of you probably don't want to read this. And you're all ready to scream at me and tell me i'm being unreasonable and I should just let it go. But i'm sorry. I can't do it. WHEN? WHEN did you try to apologise? And how the hell did you get it into your head that you have done NOTHING wrong?


I'm sorry ben, but you have done a lot wrong. You may have thought that you were protecting lauren. But she didnt fucking need protecting.


how am *I* the one who has done something wrong? I posted a blog because I was upset. I was stressed. I was angry. My blog is where i vent. even more so when I can't talk to charming. Because you know what? not everyone is as fucking lucky as you. Not everyone gets to see him/her most days. not everyone gets that. SOME PEOPLE have to go sometimes months at a time between seeing them. You know i saw him last week, and now I won't see him again until after exams are over? after school has ended.


but anyway, im getting off on a tangent here. what i want to know.... what i NEED to know... is how *I* am the one in the wrong? what the hell did *I* do? and how have *YOU* done *NOTHING* wrong when you are the one sprouting ridiculous accusations... when you are the one who made something out of it in the first place.


i have shit going on in my life right now that you couldn't even imagine. crap that you wouldnt even know i am dealing with because despite what you may think, while im not very good at hiding everything, i hide most things. i know some people dont like it. but... its the way i work. so that i dont weigh other people down with the crap in my life, and with worry for me that they dont need to feel.


my blog is a place where i vent a small portion of the crap going on. and what i decide to say here, i say because i trust that people will listen, and respect what i have to say... and ask questions if you need to, to understand what im on about... but i cannot tolerate people taking what i say out of context. and not only taking it out of context, throwing false accusations, and insane threats at me, when i have done absolutely nothing.

look, i am aware that just about everyone thinks that i am being a bitch... and maybe i am... i dont know. i know that as soon as i post this i am more than likely going to have every one jump down my throat and point out that you apologised in your last post....but you know, after being betrayed so many times by the same person... sometimes an 'I'm sorry' isn't really... enough. especially when it pretty much seems to me like the only reason you said it in the first place is because she is upset we are arguing... and i am sorry to her for that... but then again, its not my fault. is it?

I'm sorry im taking this so badly... and that most people would have just explained.. and it would be over with.. but... i don't even think i can trust you anymore. i think that for me... this might finally be the last straw.

also, to anyone who has been talking to me and trying to make me drop it, or sort it out, thank you. i do appreciate it... but i really need to work this out for myself... i need people to stop medling in my business and telling me what to do. i love you for it. but please, just... stop.

i get. you love her. you want to look after her. you want to protect her. i get it.

but you have no consideration at all for the way other people might be feeling.

that had nothing at all to do with her. that should have been fairly obvious. if you read it, it would have been obvious. and if you had read it, it also would have been obvious that i was going through some shit at the moment and that i didn't really need you making accusations.

thank you. thank you so much.

im sick of it. im sick of people judging me. im sick of people talking shit about me. im sick of people putting me down. im sick of having no sense of self worth because everytime i start to build myself up, people tear me down. so thank you. thank you so much.
-1 day-

because you don't trust me. even though im pretty much the most compliant person on the earth. as glitter says; im incapable of saying no.



hey, can i hurt you? sure, go right ahead. just watch it, im still a little sore from last time. oh wait, you just hit that spot. of course.



hey, can i take everything you've got? of course, no problem.



hey, can i tear your heart out? go right ahead.



can i rip you to shreds and leave you in pieces on the ground? sure, what else have i got to do with my life other than pick up the torn shreds of what i was before you came anywhere near me?
-29 days-

so, school is over for another term. which is great and awful at the same time. I only have to work for the first and last weekends of the holiday and there is no school... so looking forward to monday. first chance to 'sleep' in since last holidays. which shall be nice...

but there is so much work to do. im kind of freaking out cos i dont know when im going to find time to do any work this holidays. i also have to get a whole bunch of email addresses from Green Team people (church kids who volunteer at schoolies week) for a tourism assignment that i should have started already... i have to find the time to build a model of the freaking STONEHENGE of all things. not to mention write a 2000 word comparitive essay on two books, one of which i havent even gotten around to re-reading yet. and on top of all of this, im hardly going to be at home all holidays. when the hell am i going to find time...?

-sigh-

another term over, and still i feel like i have hardly achieved anything. what has changed since last holidays? i mean, for crying out loud, its the end of freaking september and i havent DONE anything this year. i mean what use have i made of the past nine months? nothing.

and no, for the record, im not one of the three or four pregnant people we know at the moment. that is NOT what i have done in the past nine months :p

plus, i was supposed to go out tomorrow night... and now i dont know if i can... :'( which means that i have to find a way to tell serena that i cant come and she might be disappointed. well, im disappointed anyway........

cos the football is on. which means i cant get there. and then we have people over for dinner. which means i cant get home. and i have work the next morning at 8. which means i cant just sleep over. and you moved to freaking Klemzig. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US? sorry... i know its not your fault... :(

anyway, today over all was a little shitty. and im sorry to anyone who i was grouchy with/am yet to be grouchy with.

in other news, i now have super mario galaxy on my phone :D

Merry Holidays Everyone! and to all a... not so happy new term...?

-27 days-

sometimes i feel lost
in a sea of insecurities
that rages inside of me
so terribly cold

and the waves of self rejection
make me question
my abilities
where's the fire that always burned?
-24 days-

tonight i'll lie awake, feeling empty...

the rain pours down outside, big black drops bursting on the ground, collecting in the pools of depair, matching those of the dark tears in my heart. i sat in that room wishing that i could let the tears spill over, invade the world and leave me lying in broken pieces. i wished the people would all disappear and leave me, leave me to cry, to let out the gut-wretching sobs i felt waiting to escape. and yet dispite all of the people, i had never felt so alone before in my life...

but if i'm without you then i will feel so small...
-23 days-

I remember her when she was sweet and innocent. back when both of us had OCD and used to spend out lunch times cleaning our trays and sneaking into the classroom to get skipping ropes without getting caught.

And yet tonight i'm with her, she keeping me away from Princess cos she hates her (sorry babe, but you know... lucky you? lol), dancing, her telling not only me, but also anyone else who will listen that she's busy juggling eight guys and that she's going to get laid before her next birthday.

to be fair, she does have five on the go, an ex chasing her and two others supposedly chasing her.

her life is... well crazy. she's gone from being sweet and innocent to.. well to be frank, a bit of a skank. we're dancing and she says things like 'i should have worn more slutty clothes' and 'ohh that guy is hot... i want to hook up with someone while im here.'

she complained that i wouldnt let her take her shirt off. and im like... how often do you dance shirtless...? :S

she was telling me about all her various hook ups. and how her best friend was practising undoing bras on her and decided to grope her. and how she was at the beach with another guy and how he undid her bikini and felt her up on the beach.

about one of the guys shes sort of dating who wants to hook up with her, grope her and finger her in front of his friends.

she made me help her decide which guys she's going to convince to have sex with her. she told me about all of her drunken parties...

she told me about the internet guys and her exes.

and my god...

im sorta scared... :S

in other news, i miss him :(
-20 days-

what i've been searching for...

I'm sorry I'm not very supportive
And that I don't always understand
I'm sorry I'm distracting
And that I don't always take your hand

I'm sorry I'm easily confused
And that I never know the right thing to say
I'm sorry that I'm easily upset
And that I sometimes take things the wrong way

I'm sorry I'm hard to get along with
And that I'm not always in a good mood
I'm sorry that I am often grumpy
And that I can't think of anything that rhymes aside from 'food'

I'm sorry I'm not too fun to spend tiome with
And that sometimes I just don't give a fuck
I'm sorry I'm a stress head
And that all of my poems suck

-18 days-

**Long Post Alert**

we broke up.

and you're all thinking 'you WHAT?!'

no, Charming and i didn't break up. well... not recently anyway...

but thats what i want to talk about...

i was telling him a second ago, that normally when someone knows me as well as he does, i go running in the opposite direction. but then i started thinking, and i realised, i havent done very much running recently. most of you know me better than i realised. you all know the tiniest little details of my life. and i havent run, i havent screamed, i havent cried, i havent stressed. because i realised, i trust each and everyone of you with the things you know.

you know i used to not trust anyone. and it got me in shit. it pulled my life apart because i couldnt trust even the people closest to me. and i realised it was no way to live. that i couldnt do it anymore. and probably none of you even realised the change in me.

so i decided something. i havent run screaming, i havent cried, i havent stressed. because i trust everyone. i give everyone my complete and utter trust and respect, and its up to you if you break it.

it's his fault you know. he showed me that i could trust the people who tried to get close to me. and so i started opening up, i started trusting. im getting better at it lol.

***

anyway... that wasn't the point of this blog, but good for you all to know anyway...

and now i dont remember what the point was.

shit.

***

10 mins later

ahh thats right -remembers- sorry, today is not a great day for my brain. ...then again most days aren't...

we broke up.

i was talking about break ups with an absolutely gorgeous friend of mine the other day... and she said something to me that sort of surprised me. she told me 'sorry.' and it took me a moment to work out what she was apologising for. until she explained that at the time she didn't understand where i was. that at the time she didn't understand how a breakup could feel like the end of the world, like you'd lost half of yourself... and how without that other half you just... I just couldnt work right.

breaking up with him... was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life. sitting there, standing there, watching him read, trying to explain... trying to hold myself together so that he didn't have to watch me break down...

i have never had to do anything that hard in my life. i have never had to hurt another person that much in my life.

and yet, even though i broke apart his entire world he was still looking out for me, trying to make sure that I was okay...

anyway, what im trying to say is that i don't think you can realise until you've been there... until that other person is... well, everything to you. and even then, you think about how it would be to live without them, you imagine having to survive everyday without them... and you feel pain... but just thinking about it isnt enough. just thinking about it is shit painful. it would make any sane person refuse, hold on tighter.

but when you have no choice... when that is what has to happen... you do it.

and living without them is much harder than you could have even imagined. when you've done it, and its over, and he is no longer yours... the despair that comes crashing down on you is... well its a pain worse than i had ever imagined. and holding myself together while i was still with him... was the hardest thing i've ever done.

I left him with Glitter, trusting the person i love the most in the world to her care. trusting her to be there for him, to look after him for me... because i couldnt do it anymore. and i got on a bus and cried, the entire way to Princess' house... before sitting there in near silence, just needing to be with someone who loved me. and i will always be eternally grateful to these two amazing girls for that... although i suppose when i said always that kinda made eternally unnecessary huh?

oh well. thats not the point.

anyway, i was talking to this friend the other day, the one who apologised. and she said to me 'back then i just didn't understand. it didn't make sense to me that you didn't just bounce back. that you weren't just... over it.' or something to that effect anyway. but she understands now.

and im grateful for that.

he is... the best thing that has ever happened to me. the most amazingly wonderful person i could ever know. and for some crazy reason... he loves me. and you know what? i love him. i love him so much... being apart from him every day kills me... but, i survive, knowing that soon i might get to see him again. and one day, i'll never have to leave him...

-16 days-

i am monica.

seriously. i was watching friends and in season 10 there's this scene where monica and pheobe are trying to avoid seeing this chick who used to live in their building that they don't like who has just moved back from england. and this chick calls monica and chandlers apartment and monica and pheobe are standing around listening to her message and then chandler picks up on the other line and monica has to talk to her.

and so she says no, this chick cant come over then. its a bad time.

but then she goes 'sure, dinner tomorrow night counds great'

and when she hangs up pheobe is all like 'YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAY NO!'

and she goes 'I couldn't say no to her twice in a row. i just have this uncommon need to please people...'

whoops...

-14 days-

-14 days...-

i forgot. i went out and had fun with my friends. while somewhere there is an ambulance with a body in it. while the girl from down the street tries to shake off the memories of coming home from school to find them. while three ambulances return to the hospital. while four marked police cars and one unmarked police car return to their various homes, their occupants shaking off the memory of the house, the scene, the crying girl, the comforting guy...

i went out and had fun... i forgot about it. while her life was being changed forever. she'll probably never set foot in that house again. she'll have to move.

there were sirens all afternoon. neighbours poking their heads out doors, peering through curtains... conveniently going for walks.

death sucks...
-13 days-

**long post alert**

i don't think i have very strong will power.

at this point you're probably all just sitting there thinking 'yeah, no shit leish'

which is probably deserved.

I say to myself, no, i won't do that. I won't buy my lunch, i'll just pack a sandwich. i won't get a coffee after school. i can go home and make a crappy instant if i need coffee that badly. i won't eat that chocolate. i don't need that book, or those earrings or those shoes.

i won't spend money today.

i won't eat junk today.

in fact maybe i won't eat at all today.

but then lunch time rolls around and 'hey come to the canteen with me' and i think 'sure, im hungry'

then we sign out after psych and we automatically head for the cafe. we're regulars you know.

then i remember the block of chocolate in my bag, or the packet of choc chips, bought for the purpose of making cookies.

then i pass another shop.......

i'm very easily talked into things. like for instance i'll be at work thinking 'oh my god...i'm not going to survive this shift without caffine... i know, coke.' and then i have to say to someone, 'tell me i dont want a coke' because as soon as i hear someone say 'leish you dont want a coke' im fine. i can convince myself from that that no, i don't want a coke.

but then i have the problem that i cant finish anything. i'll buy a coke, and i'll put it away half drunk at the end of my shift. i'll have a muffin after work (that i really dont need. my god if you knew how long on an exercise bike it takes to work off half the food we consume i swear to god we'd all be anorexic) and i only eat the top, cos a) its the best part, and b) i cant eat the rest.

went to the cafe with Glitter today, and got a cappucino (free, cos we're regulars. and i have a loyalty card. yay) and i could only drink half of it. so i gave her the rest. then decided i wanted a drink, which i couldnt drink all of either even though it was only like 335 mLs.

i spend money too freely. lend it to people too freely. waste it too freely.

because im not strong willed enough to save it enough.

if i saved every cent i earned i could probably afford a lot more of what i need to buy by now. you know i can almost afford a laptop now. merely because i've set up a thingy on my bank account to automatically move money as soon as i get payed. if i trusted myself with it then the money just gets moved back and i use it. i have too many things to pay to be good at juggling money.

i intend to start my driving lessons soon i guess... although it probably wont be til after christmas... so that i can get my P's. not that i'll be able to drive. cos i dopnt have money to buy a car.

but i'll get there. eventually.

anyway. the point is, i am making an effort to change shit in my life. as of now. im not even going to take my wallet anywhere with me anymore. and when i do, its going to have a limited amount of cash. im going to eat healthier again. im going to do more exercise. im going to lose weight. im sick of being fat. im sick of being abused for being fat. and im sick of feeling fat. im sick of looking like crap and feeling like crap and feeling like i look like crap.'

and im going to do more homework dammit. more drafts for everything. no repeats of my fail earlier last week...

wish me luck.... :S

-11 days-

I am so ready to just give up and scream. I hate homework. I just... Cant do it. im going to drop out of school. seriously. whats the point? i'll just... fuck. i dont know. fi'll come up with something to do with my life. something that dopesnt require school. :\

just... fuck.

-11 days-

so i just thought i should inform you all that i has a new follower and that excites me cos he's cool like all my other lovely followers who for some crazy reason are interested in the shit boring crap that i post here.

-whispers and waves excitedly- hi ben

-10 days-

you know the problem with other people's pain? the fact that you cant fix it. you cant take it away. you cant share the burden. there is nothing, nothing, that you can do to take it away or make it better.

there is no pain like hers. and nothing that i can do to help her, to fix it, to make it better. all that i have the power to do is be there. and that makes me really sad. i wish that i could take it away, lift her burden on my own shoulders and suffer her hurt myself just so that she doesnt have to go through that.

she's going to have to live with that pain for the rest of her life. the pain of losing a child she hadn't even been given the chance to get to know yet. all because of him and what he did.

-10 days-

im seriously considering deleteing this blog, but i'll probably just keep writing crap that noone reads or cares about... -shrug- sometimes I wonder what the point is....

-9 days-

Again he hit her. Harder and harder. Each blow brought a sharper pain into her stomach. 'You stupid selfish whore!' he cried out, hitting her harder, harder. 'How could you disgrace this family?' One more sharp punch and she fell to the ground, weeping.












Her baby was a stillborn.

-8 days-

totally the most awkward conversation ever to overhear:

Some chick listening to her iPod and talking on her mobile outside Muffin Break.

'...I'm getting lunch and istening to lesbian music. (pause) Yeah, The L Word soundtrack. I'm working on becoming lesbian again. (laughs) I'm just kidding. I'm still going to drive stick. (pause) That's what happens when you're a cock whore. You can't just give it up cold turkey...'

Meanwhile I turn to Alice and we both smother laughs.


-8 days-

Dear Serena,

i miss you... i wants to see you, i wants a hug... i love you. and i hope everything is okay.

Love you lots,

Love leish
---

Just to clarify to anyone who read my previous post, i love him and he loves me, we're both just weird and have celebrity crushes lols.

-6 days-

Okay, so none of you want to read about this i know. but i intend to tell you anyway. after all, what is the point of having a blog if not to annoy you all with random details of my life that none of you want to hear? of course... that would be the reasoning if people actually read this shit.

Anywho, the point is, i was lying on my bed talking to Glitter. When i suddenly looked down and before i could stop it, in another feat of verbal diarrhoea I blurted out 'MY BOOBS SUDDENLY LOOK BIGGER'.

Next thing i knew i was hit by a pillow.

In other news, Glitter has also decided that Ben Feldman looks like my boyfriend. However, i don't really see the resemblance although apparently im the only one. anyway, the point is i love ben feldman -giggles-. however, charming takes the cake acos i love him betterer.


however, i has an excuse, he's like in love with kirsten dunst, to whom i could never compare. :D Anywho, ya'll has a good night :D

-6 days-