im screwed. i am actually 100 percent fucking screwed.

today i took a day off.

decided i could get more work done at home than i would have gotten done in my classes at school. which to be fair is true, i have gotten more work completed. but i also havent gotten -any- work completed. well no. thats not what i mean. what i mean is that i havent gotten enough done.

i mean i know its only 12 o'clock.

but im sitting at my desk looking at how messy everythign is... and i just... can't do anything. i cant concentrate on a single thing. because its too messy. and so i tried to clean up. but it wont work. even when everything is cleaner it still feels messy.

i cant work until everything is perfect. and yet if i want to get everything done i dont have time for perfection.

so it seems im someone i've never met. you will only hear these elegant crimes fall on your ears from criminal dimes. they spill unfound from a pretty mouth. everybody gets there and everybody finds their way...now i know i'm the one to blame. come save me from walking off a windowsill or i'll sleep in the rain. don't you remember when i was a bird and you were a map? the sky is falling off the ceiling, while i'm tucking fibs into a cookie jar...
-23 days-

I know i probably seemed like a bitch tonight. Those of you who were there are sitting there thinking 'oh its a perfectly nice seeming girl singing well enough... except for the fact that she seems to be yodelling a bit'

and yes, that is true. However.

i've known her a very long time...

very long.

she read my journals. she published details of my life in a magazine. she passed in my stories or essays as her own. she fucked with my life.

i know i sound bitter. im sure i do. but she messed with me. and i dont like her very much. she betrayed my trust in every possible way...

even though she seems like just a nice girl with a guitar and a microphone.

okay, so as some of you know, my life has been a leeetle bit of a mess lately (need proof? look at previous blog entries). I have made a mess of a few things and i am so so sorry for that. i've let things slip, i've let friendships that i've started to really value fall apart. so... i suppose this is a bit of an apology to a few of you, my only hope is that you'll read this and forgive me.

Person 1: i loved getting to know you properly since the start of this year. cos, even though i liked you well enough before, it was sort of... err... difficult to get to know you. and i think you know what i mean by that. but we started talking, and had some really great chats this year and i started really liking you. but i think i've sort of neglected that friendship a bit lately. and i am so sorry about that. i honestly didnt mean to, and i honestly didnt mean to hurt you in anyway. i just... hope you can forgive me for that cos i really am sorry and your friendship is one of the only things that has got me through all of this shit.

Person 2: i still have no idea what i did. because you wont tell me. because nobody will tell me. but im sorry. im so sorry. for whatever it may be. for what ever i have done to hurt you i am so so sorry. i would never intentionally hurt you. ever. please believe that.

Person 3: i put you in a really awkward position. and i know that. and im so sorry. it wasnt ever you fight, it was ours. but because we're so connected to you, we dragged you into it with us. and im so sorry for that. im so sorry that you had to put up with both sides of this. one side would have been more than enough.

Person 4 and 5: im sorry you guys had to be involved in this at all. that was hardly fair, but i needed someone to spill to. and you guys mean a lot to me, i knew youd be there for me. im so sorry that you had to be pulled into this and listen to me go on about it. that wasnt fair.

Person 6: thank you. for just being there in the past few days. and well, much longer than that as well. but especially the past few days. i appreciated it. and im sorry for making you listen to my shit constantly.

Person 6 (again lol) and 7: thanks for last night. thank you both so much. i needed that, a chance to unwind a little and laugh for a moment. thanks for the hugs, much much appreciate and person 7, you have just joined my list of guys who give the best hugs lol. not that i didnt already know that but still. thanks for stopping me when i was about to run off and find somewhere quiet to cry. thank you both for cheering me up a little bit. (:

Person 8: thank you. for cheering me up like only you can. thank you so much. i dont know where i'd be right now if it wasnt for you. im sorry you had to listen to me go on about all my various issues. but thank you for being there for me. thank you so much. (:

Person 9: you know im sorry. and i know you think i shouldnt be sorry to you. but come on, please just help me fix it. you're the only one who can help me actually FIX this crap. so please... just do what you can to help me.

I really do love you all. very much.

<3