Friday, May 28, 2010

cos you remind me of a time when we were so alive... do you remember that?

do you remember that...?

a little walk down memory lane...

you make me want to scream.

you make me want to hurl myself at a wall.
you make me want to punch someone.
you make me want to change.
you make me want to be better.
you make me feel worse.
you make me hurt.
you make me smile.
you make me break down my barriers.
you make me build more up.
you make me want to eat small children.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

you're not a judge but if you want to judge me, sentence me to another life...

i want to explain how much this hurts me but i cant. i know you dont know whats happening. i know you have no idea that nothing is wrong. but... you dont ask... so you dont know...

Friday, May 21, 2010


Dear So and So...

I lied. And I don’t plan to *EVER* tell you the truth.

This is sorry for the last time.

I would run away with you, if you asked me to... You make me feel like I’m meaningful, and worth something. Please, let’s just run away...

I'm seventeen and I've had something like insomnia for a few years now. I think it's because everytime I close my eyes I think of death, and it scares me.

You've kinda become the biggest two-faced person ever...

I miss you

When you ask me what I wished for at 11.11 I lie.

I'm insecure and have low self-esteem. But I'm sure you realise this.

Sometimes I wonder if everything you are is a lie. But then maybe I'm a lie too...

You said you aren't going to change. You said you'll always be there for me. But I'm scared that you'll forget me. I'm proud of you, but I'm scared to lose you.

I hate myself for allowing myself to become fat, ugly and a failure. It only proves you were right. And that makes it all my fault.

You called me the 'therapist' of the group. I don't know if you realise it hurts that you expect me to be there for you when you've never been there for me.

When I think about the future, I can't really see myself getting old... I wonder if this means I'm going to die young.

I write journals, with all of my deepest thoughts and feelings... Part of me almost wishes my parents will find it so that they can see what they're doing to me.

I can tell, just by looking at you, when you've been talking about me.

I always prepare myself for the worst, so that I'm not disappointed when the best doesn't come my way.

The older I get, the more doubts and fears I have. I always thought it would be the opposite.

You made me this way...

I have suffered through things you wouldn't even realise. And yet I put a smile on my face as much as I can, and stay as strong as I can for the paople around me. I think the real me comes out when it's dark and quiet and i'm all alone. Or when you're there... That's about it.

All my life, I've never been as angry as i am at you.

I'm sure you don't realise.

I often worry that someday you will realise that I'm not worth it.

You and I belong in two seperate worlds. But i'm glad you want to be part of mine...

I can see beauty in everyone but myself... Sometmes I worry I'll never see what you see in me...

Sometimes I wish that posting something like this didn't worry me.

Sometimes I wish I could tell you what is in my head.

All I want is you...

Thursday, May 20, 2010

and you look half dead all the time...

We went out for coffee and I told you that one in every four girls self harmed.

There were four of us there, and so you asked which one of the four of us it was...

When noone replied, she said it was none of us, because they were the results of a survey of thousands and thousands of girls...

What you didn't realise, is that i'm the one in four.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

cos nights like these i wish i said don't go...

i dont want to be alone tonight...

i want him...

just to curl up in his arms and cry and cry and then calm down and not be alone.

i want him...

i just want this year to end...

i miss you Adam ♥ Lily ♥

and you who today is about, Annabelle ♥

Monday, May 10, 2010

you should have known that what you did would hurt...

Sometimes I wonder if I make myself sick. I mean... Not intentionally or anything. But like... Sub-consciously. I mean... surely no one could ever possibly get sick as often as I do. Surely it's not even... Possible.

I mean, this is a virus. Today is a virus. But what about the rest of the time?

Do I stress so much that it makes me physically ill? Do I take too much on and wear myself down to the point where my body can do nothing but be sick?

I mean, I don't sleep... Much.

I work 10-15 hours most weeks just to keep myself alive and in a house.

I attempt to pass year twelve, but most of the time I'm just too exhausted and sick to even be able to think straight enough to do my work...

I mean... I'm on all A's and B's. I know I shouldn't be disappointed in my efforts and grades. But I am.

Annd this is what? My fourth Monday off all year? I push myself so hard to get through the week, then when normal people get a break of a weekend, I get to work, have pretty much no social life, no sleep, and attempt to find time to fit homework in between whatever my family has planned. So by the time Monday rolls around, I think I'm just that sick that... Coping, getting through a day of school just seems impossible. And so I convince myself, it's ok, we'll be working on this assignment that I've finished in Toursim, I have a free, Classics will be working on the essay, free, Justice we might get the new assignment... But we have til week seven on it so surely I can just see him about it tomorrow right? Besides, we'll probably just finish watching that video and it was really boring, and then do more worksheets... I won't miss that much...

But then it all builds up.

And then I slowly start to fall behind. And I mean, don't get me wrong. I get everything done. But I'm not going to deny that sometimes it's a bit of a scramble at the finishline.

But that's the thing.

Falling behind stresses me out... More than I already was. And then we start the entire cycle again.

The cycle of sickness, and tears, and missing him, and bubble baths to calm down. Of late nights and working all weekend and family events that make homework almost impossible until most Sunday nights. Of Mondays staring into a bucket/down a toilet bowl vomiting. Or in bed coughing up my lungs, freezing even though I'm wrapped in layers of clothes and blankets and quilts and scarves with a heater on full. Of Mondays when even just getting up is too hard, and the light is too harsh for me to bear, Mondays spent in the dark, in silence, because it is the only way to survive them.

I'm sick of Mondays.

When this year is over, I am going to be so happy. Screw TERs and getting into uni and getting good grades... I just want to make it through alive.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Fuck you, fuck you very muuuuuuuch :)

Listen, I'm sure you're normally a perfectly nice person. But you don't know me. I've never met you, never spoken to you. You don't know me, or who I am.

I am not evil, or mean, nor do I look down on people who are not christians.

Being a christian is just part of my way of life and my beliefs and I in no way make any attempts to rub that in people's faces or try to force them to believe what I believe.

I do not particularly appreciate you speaking about me, someone whom you have never met or even spoken to, to other people. Especially not people who are friends of Branden, and whom I might one day have to spend a lot of time around. I like to let people get to know me for me. Not for what other people say I am.

I'm a nice person. And I love Branden. And I absolutely love his friends. The fact that he 'lets' me mingle with his friends is not some... controversy. It's because he actually values and respects me. Ok?

I don't care if you hate christians and think they aren't worth 'shit'. I know I am worth something. And you know what? People like Branden, Courtney, Tamara and Simone would back me up on that. Not to mention all of the other ASMS people who I've met but have not really had a lot to do with.

Look, people who actually know me respect me, and like me. I don't try to force my beliefs on anyone. And I certainly do not condemn people for not being a christian. I mean, I am going out with Branden. And he is certainly not a christian by any means. The fact that I am a christian doesn't make anything i say or do any more or less important.

I'd just... Really appreciate if you don't speak about me to other people. If you want to believe that I am worthless and nothing I say or do matters, that is fine. But please do not publicly defame me by saying this to other people. Especially not those who I am actually starting to really care about.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

we wanna blend...

so i am clinically depressed :)

Sunday, May 2, 2010

but without you i'll be miserable at best...

you promised to prank me on the weekend when it would be a good time to talk...

i guess you forgot.

or you're too busy.

or you just can't be arsed.

or maybe i just don't matter.

you also said you were too busy last weekend so you'd organise to see me this weekend... i guess that's not happening either.

i give up.

its not like it matters.

its not like anything matters anymore...