Friday, July 31, 2009

fuck you more

Just for the record, i started this post at lunch time but the stupid school computers decided to mess up and make me lose what i had been writing.

Just a warning to anyone reading this post: This is aimed at Queen Bee, it will be bitchy, and it might make me seem like an absolute cow. However, you need to realise that as much as I love Queen Bee, there is only so much that i can take. This is not to say i dont love you, just that youre getting to me right now and you need to shut up and listen for a second. so... here goes...

Queen Bee,

You irritate the hell out of me. I don't know if it's just me, or if everyone is annoyed by you. I mean, am i the only one? Maybe... But even if i am, does that make me unreasonable? Does that mean i have a low tolerance level? Or does that just mean you get to me?

i'd love to know what part of the word 'no' you don't understand. You always want something. Always. Money, food, water, company. You want people to comply with your wishes.

Which is not to say I always mind. Sometimes I'll be like, 'sure I have an extra couple of dollars.' But if I don't want to give you money on the same day that no one else wants to give you money, that is not an excuse to get pissed off at me, or anyone else for that matter.

Also on that topic, when someone else is hungry and has food, they generally want to eat their own food without you hovering over them saying 'can i have some? can i have some?' It's just annoying.

If you grab me and pull me and i don't want to move that isn't an excuse to just pull harder. If i say 'no' mean no. You should actually try listening to people when they say 'no' or 'i dont want to'. you might actually find people want to be around you more.

When i walk away from you because i dont want to fight, its not an invitation to just yell out 'fuck you then' or 'bitch!' because im walkign away from you because i dont want to fight. i have a right, i would have thought, not to ruin one of the best days i've had in a long time. okay?

You say to someone 'come here with me' and just expect them to follow. and yet when someone asks you to go somewhere with them, you won't go unless there is something in it for you.How exactly, is that fair?

Also, when three of us have been in a huge fight and me and the other person have taken the time out to actually talk about it, and work it out and have made up, that doesn't mean that you can just act like nothing ever happened.

I know that I ignored it at the time and have since made an attempt to get along with you in spite of it... But it actually really hurt that you don't think i'm worth talking it over with. Whereas evidently she did. Sorry if this sounds bitchy and unrelated, but right now, if i'm going to bother having this rant in the first place, i may as well do it properly. I made my peace with her. We worked our way back to the point where we can be friends. We made an effort and took the time to talk it over. And I had intended to do the same with you. But of course you see that she and i are talking, and immediately start to act like nothing had ever happened.

And you know... It actually hurt. Because I realised just how easy it was for you to go from hating someone so much that you wont talk to them, to being their best friend. And to be honest it made me wonder... it made me wonder how much i even mean to you, whether I even matter or whether it's all just a charade because... im friends with the same people as you...

i rant at you durng english for poking me. I tell you again that it annoys me, that sometimes it actually hurts when you poke me enough times in the same spot. i dont like being poked, i dont like being touched, i hate people touching my hair, or shoulders or neck, or patting me on the head. there are veeeeeeeeeery few exceptions to that rule, and you are not one of them. if i rant at you and then shut up, its not an invitation to poke me again. its a time when you should sit and listen and think 'okay, she doesnt like me poking her, i'll stop.' rather than doing it again. you then chose to make me laugh with your 'one rat, two rat, three rat, four' chant, and then just imagine that everything is fine, and that im not at all pissed off at you.

well sorry, i was.

i am.

i love you. but... please cant you just listen to me? cos im sick of being pissed off at one of my best friends.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

soooooooo... i gotted my hair cut today :D bye bye long ugly frizzy hair, hello short hair.

Im actually quite excited by it.

which is probably stupid, cos you know... its just hair. but... i mean it went from being like half way down my back, to now, being just under shoulder length. And it actually looks cool.

My throat hurts. Oh, and speaking of, did you know that adults arent allowed to consume more than 3 packs of butter menthols in one day? i know right. i want mooooore. not that they really help. but eh.

look up, the stars are all exploding...

I have a new follower and that excites me :D only i cant see who it is because my blog is blocked on these stupid computers -annoyed face- oh well.

Anyway, hello and welcome to my awesomely boring blog whoever you are.

I'm sitting in psychology being bored because I already have pages and pages of info for this stupid assignment and could do the whole thing easily without the help of my awesomeful group members :D oh well. They're working so thats good :)

and hold me closer than i can ever remember being held im not afraid to sleep now as long as we can stay like this until its the last day on earth...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

so tired of people being in shit moods, and of being in a shit mood and of dealing with everyones rapid mood changes, and of dealing with all this shit. how do you just........ argh. i just dont understand, youre fucking with my head. i cant think right and its all your fault. i cant deal with your shit or anyone elses. im too busy trying to get my own under control. im sick of people being so two faced. cut it out. seriously. also, i'll talk to you on my terms. don't corner me. got it?

Monday, July 27, 2009

I wake up in the bathroom and dare not bother asking why the mirror is cracked and all I see is shards of glass inside of me...

Sunday, July 26, 2009

a penny for your thoughts but a dollar for your insight, a fortune for your disaster...

Are you listening to anything I say? Because I've been praying... How many prayers can I pray? I'm still waiting, maybe you'll show up today. I know you're here but I can't feel you and if you're speaking I can't hear you. How much longer will this last? So, okay, answer me with silence, it's okay if you don't say a word. You're testing me to trust you'll be faithful in this quiet. So okay, answer me with silence...

if i miss you like rain will you remember my name tomorrow...

I picked up my coffee cup and leant against the window, feeling the warmth from the coffee heat my cold, shaky hands, watching the July rain beat down outside. I sighed bitterly, there was so much left to do before the end of the weekend and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t force myself to move from the window.

I felt tears fall down my cheeks and knew that I should have stopped them. I knew that I mustn’t allow myself to fall into that trap. I couldn’t cry. I wouldn’t let myself. Placing my mug down, I stood up and began to walk towards my computer.

I tripped over. Tripped over nothing. Because that is just how uncoordinated I am. I was on the floor. I was in pain. I was already crying. I lay down, curled up and allowed myself to be consumed by my tears, by my pain, by my fear.

there's so much sad gonna flood the ocean, we're all in tears from a world that's broken...

I was thinking about you yesterday, and wondering what happens if this happens again? If everything hasn't changed? If this happens again who else do you have? You have no one. No one but him and us. Because you drove everyone else away. And you can't come here, because you know as well as everyone else that this is the first place he'll look for you.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

'I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation'

-sigh- i love shopping. i'm never getting a credit card ever ever ever because i'll be worse than Becky Bloomwood...

sooo not a good thing.

i dont want to do anymore work. im tired of writing essays and shit about meaningless crap that noone cares about and that i wont need to use ever again in my life.

i dont know what else i was going to say now... -siiiiiiiigh-

Dear so and so...

-this post is inspired by a random blog i read the other day-

Dear Jess,
Your gloves are warm and my hands are cold. You're never getting them back, mmk? Hope you don't mind.
Love, love, love.

Dear Princess,
I buyed an iPod. -giggles- I'm still excited. We go shopping again soon, yes? :D
Love, love, love.

Dear Target Card Machines,
You all suck. How dare you not work and send me into fits of panic? You are evil and I am never shopping in Target again... or at least until the next time I do.

Dear Big W Card Machines,
You love me :D yay! Thank you for putting an end to my panic

Dear Glitter,
Hope you finished your psych assignment before midnight and posted it on moodle. Next time you start assignments earlier, mmk?
love, love, love.

Dear Charming,
See? You're not the only one I bug about doing work before it's due. Hope you enjoy avcon. Love you sooooooooo much.
Love, love, love.

Dear Pretzel,
You were yummy. We shall meet again, mmk?

Dear Cold And Flu Medication,
I LOVE YOU! You maked me sleep. :)

Dear Vicks,
I can breathe again! Yay!

Dear Soothers,
My throat still hurts. You suck.

Dear hair,
You're too long and I hate you. Please stop getting knotty or you're going to be cut.

Dear Labels,
You suck. Why are we only allowed 200 characters...? /cries

Thursday, July 23, 2009

its the last day on earth in my dreams...

Oh. Em. Gee.

waa.... i swear i posted a blog at school and now its not here. -cries- im seriously sad. i mean it wasnt even about anything much but... waaaa. thats sad. and stupid.

Anywho. I bought a new iPod tonight. It's a blue 8 GB nano and its sooooooooo pretty. and i love it. and i've missed having an iPod. theyre so pretty and awesome and oh my god i think im in love. lol.

yeah, im weird.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

not wrapping this in ribbons, i shouldn't have to give a reason why...

Maybe I have gone crazy. Maybe there is something just... really fucked up about me. Maybe that's why I'm acting like a stranger lately.

What do you do when even you don't like who you are? What do you do when you're slowly driving everyone away? What can you change when you don't even know what is wrong? How are you supposed to let people help you when you can't help yourself? How can you let someone in when you don't knwo what is wrong?

I would never, ever, ever for a second stop caring about you. Ever. But if you can doubt that I care about you then I've obviously failed. If you can doubt how important you are to me, even for a second, then I have failed. And if I've failed you... Then I must have failed pretty much everyone.

I'm sorry. I'm just... Really sorry...

and i hope it rains...

All day staring at the ceiling Making friends with shadows on my wall All night hearing voices telling me thatI should get some sleep Because tomorrow might be good For something Hold on feeling like I'm heading for a Break down and I dunno why I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then You'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be Talking to myself in public And dulging glances on the train And I know I know that they ‘ve all been talking about me I can hear their whisper And it makes me feel that there must be something wrong with me After all the hours thinking somehow I‘ve lost my mind I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be I've been talking in my sleep Soon they'll come to get me And they're taking me away I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired I know Right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be And how I used to be How I used to beI'm just a little lonely How I used to be How I used to be I'm just a little unwell...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

it's okay that we're dying, I just need to survive tonight...

I'm a stupid, selfish cow. Get that through your head would you?

I'm sorry. It all got me in a bad mood where I thought of nothing but trying to calm myself down. So I'm sorry I have no respect for you or anyone else at the moment. But I just... I need to calm myself down before I bring anymore harm on other people.

You couldn't have just answered the stupid question, could you?

are we really alive, or are we only living?

Did you ever think you knew exactly what someone thought? Did you think you knew exactly what a person's opinion was? Of you, or of someone you love? Did you everything think you knew exactly what someone thought, only to turn around and realise you were wrong? That you actually had no idea? Did you ever think you knew exactly how something was going to happen, only for it to occur a different way? Or not at all?

Maybe expectations are a bad thing. When you think something will happen one way and it occurs a different way instead, are you left disappointed? Or surprised? Or... Happy maybe. Happy that everything happened differently to what you expected.

For me... When someting happens a different way, I lose the plot. I start to shake, or panic, or cry, or stress, or just withdraw completely. I don't know about anyone else, but for me, surprises are a bad thing. Even the most wonderful of surprises freak me out.

Take for instance this example: I'm going to the city with Glitter, and the plan is to meet Pickles for coffee or something before he meets his other friends later. Then we were going to go shopping. We get to the malls balls where we were planning to meet, and there's no sight of Pickles. I'm so busy looking for Pickles that I don't see Charming walking towards us, and even when he was standing right next to me (after three months of having not seen him), it still didn't occur that he was there, because I was so busy looking for Pickles. Charming wasn't supposed to meet us. Pickles was.

In my head anyway. Because this was what I'd been told by Glitter when she organised this shopping trip. Needless to say, that although I was thriled to see Charming, I was also ready to kill both of them for tricking me and giving me a surprise. Also, I was shaking for about an hour afterwards (But they let me buy coffee so I calmed down a little bit then xD).

So anyway, yeah, surprises freak me out.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Since Branden is a Stupid-Brain-Smelly-Poo-Head (yeah, real mature :] )...

Kelly, Harper, Miranda, Hayley, Tiffany, Audrey, Amelia, Katherine, Shannon, Crystal, Elizabeth, Evelyn, Jane, Vanessa, Lisa, Madeleine, Alice, Anna, Matilda, Carrie, Marianne, Tara, Belinda/Belle, Loraine/Lori/Lorrie, Anya, Emily, Madison, Sierra, Savannah

Tyler, Caleb, Aaron, Daniel, Oliver, Owen, William/Will, Declan, James, Dean, Dimitri, Austen, Andrew/Drew, Zeke, Sullivan, Nathan, Noah, Logan, Timothy, Ian

I need three girls names, and two boys names. Please comment and let me know what you like best. :) Thanks.

What a beautiful mess this is. It's like picking up trash in dresses...

What a beautiful mess this is. It's like picking up trash in dresses...

i'm not angry, i'm just saying, sometimes goodbye is a second chance...

Did you ever think you never actually do anything with your life?

The year is halfway over, and what have we accomplished? I know my answer.


This year has been the same as any other. More complications, more sadness, more fights, more happiness, more girly days, more sleepovers (or...not-sleep-overs), more movie dates, more work, more homework and assignments, more exams, more stress, more procrastination, more sleepless nights.

But when it comes down to it, this year will pass by, just as unmemorable as the sixteen before it.

When is it that we get to start living?

Well... I suppose the answer for that is 'when we can be with our life'. For me at least...

Or maybe it's when we start to experience life. When we get past this awkward, horrible, wonderful time of our lives called High School, and start experiencing the real world.

Maybe you reach a certain age and suddenly everything makes sense and starts to mean something.

Or maybe there is just something wrong with me. And for some reason none of the things I do are significant.

Friday, July 17, 2009

do you know whats worth fighting for when its not worth dying for?

There's something about missing you that is different to missing anyone else.

It's easy to miss someone. Easy. Indeed, it's even easy to cope with missing someone. Or at least just any person who you like, or enjoy being with.

But add emotions, real raw emotions, to it... And everything becomes suddenly harder to cope with. Add genuine feelings, genuine love... And it becomes harder to cope with...

But it's when you get to the point where you feel like a part of you is missing... Like without that other piece you just... You can't function properly.

Sure, you can make it through the day. But... You feel like everything is just a little bit wrong, like you should be happier, like someone else should be there beside you, experiencing everything with you. Like a piece of your heart has mysteriously disappeared...

Or when you miss him so much, that it physically hurts to be apart from him for any longer.

That is when you know.

That is when you know you love him. When everything feels right when he is beside you. When he smiles and and the whole world feels right. He lights up my life, makes me smile when i feel like crying (as cliche as that sounds), tells my im cute and beautiful and all of the most wonderful things that i wish i could be (but somehow dont believe i am), he shows me i am truly loved.

For those of you who miss someone like that right now... I feel sorry for you.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

just leave me to die in peace

I don't understand. I'm sorry. I just don't. Why is everything YOUR business? If something is happening in my life how does that immediately become something to do with you? why is my problem automatically your problem? One which you're not even really concerned with fixing, just being able to say you fixed? I'm sorry if I sound mean. Which I probably do. Because I'm sounding mean a lot lately. But I don't always want you dealing with my problems for me. And I don't always want people to know things.

If I keep things to myself, its because either it means a lot to me or because I just don't want to talk about it. And this is one of those times. You found something, from a conversation just a little while ago, that I know i never printed or saved. Just one little bit. A few lines. Printed out and in my diary. And guess what? I dont want to talk about it.

Thursday, July 2, 2009