you walk those lonely streets and people stare...

**long post alert**

i don't think i have very strong will power.

at this point you're probably all just sitting there thinking 'yeah, no shit leish'

which is probably deserved.

I say to myself, no, i won't do that. I won't buy my lunch, i'll just pack a sandwich. i won't get a coffee after school. i can go home and make a crappy instant if i need coffee that badly. i won't eat that chocolate. i don't need that book, or those earrings or those shoes.

i won't spend money today.

i won't eat junk today.

in fact maybe i won't eat at all today.

but then lunch time rolls around and 'hey come to the canteen with me' and i think 'sure, im hungry'

then we sign out after psych and we automatically head for the cafe. we're regulars you know.

then i remember the block of chocolate in my bag, or the packet of choc chips, bought for the purpose of making cookies.

then i pass another shop.......

i'm very easily talked into things. like for instance i'll be at work thinking 'oh my god...i'm not going to survive this shift without caffine... i know, coke.' and then i have to say to someone, 'tell me i dont want a coke' because as soon as i hear someone say 'leish you dont want a coke' im fine. i can convince myself from that that no, i don't want a coke.

but then i have the problem that i cant finish anything. i'll buy a coke, and i'll put it away half drunk at the end of my shift. i'll have a muffin after work (that i really dont need. my god if you knew how long on an exercise bike it takes to work off half the food we consume i swear to god we'd all be anorexic) and i only eat the top, cos a) its the best part, and b) i cant eat the rest.

went to the cafe with Glitter today, and got a cappucino (free, cos we're regulars. and i have a loyalty card. yay) and i could only drink half of it. so i gave her the rest. then decided i wanted a drink, which i couldnt drink all of either even though it was only like 335 mLs.

i spend money too freely. lend it to people too freely. waste it too freely.

because im not strong willed enough to save it enough.

if i saved every cent i earned i could probably afford a lot more of what i need to buy by now. you know i can almost afford a laptop now. merely because i've set up a thingy on my bank account to automatically move money as soon as i get payed. if i trusted myself with it then the money just gets moved back and i use it. i have too many things to pay to be good at juggling money.

i intend to start my driving lessons soon i guess... although it probably wont be til after christmas... so that i can get my P's. not that i'll be able to drive. cos i dopnt have money to buy a car.

but i'll get there. eventually.

anyway. the point is, i am making an effort to change shit in my life. as of now. im not even going to take my wallet anywhere with me anymore. and when i do, its going to have a limited amount of cash. im going to eat healthier again. im going to do more exercise. im going to lose weight. im sick of being fat. im sick of being abused for being fat. and im sick of feeling fat. im sick of looking like crap and feeling like crap and feeling like i look like crap.'

and im going to do more homework dammit. more drafts for everything. no repeats of my fail earlier last week...

wish me luck.... :S

-11 days-