Monday, August 31, 2009

i killed myself from the inside out, and all my fears have pushed you out...

you know sometimes i think i stick my foot in it a bit too much...

I mean i know i do. a lot.

I'm just... well to be honest, a little stupid.

like seriously, i don't think i think before i speak.

i just open my mouth a a whole rush of verbal diarrhoea just comes tumbling out.

Sorry, now im going to entertain you with a small little ftory of stupidity/verbal diarrhoea...


It was the first time she'd met his parents. She was sitting beneath a tree on a warm summers' day. He was the only person she knew, among the twenty or so other people there. She was sitting beside him around a picnic rug, passing chocolate cookies to his sister and stepmother.

Stepmother was saying something about pink fluffy handcuffs but of course she wasn't really getting the point of the conversation.

'Oh yeah,' she piped up. 'I know heaps of police officers. I could get my hands on some handcuffs if i ever needed them.'

Look around, see stepmother, him, and sister all staring at you, watching the cogs tick over in her head. Wait for the red to start creeping into cheeks...

'whoops... so anyone want another cookie?'


Oopsie daisy :D

-2 days-

orange, sugar, chocolate, hot cinnamon, and lovely things and you...

So... I'm thinking about writing a story. But I don't know what about. I was thinking I could write one about a chick with OCD. Maybe...

Just for anyone who doesn't realise I have clearly given up my idea of continuing Tully. Because I am lazy. If i write my own story then I can develop my own characters. But if I continue Tully then I have to stick with her characters and I can't be bothered. So yes... Maybe OCD unless anyone else has any better ideas for me. I have no idea. Maybe I should just give up. All of my stories are crappy anyway.

Ideas? Thoughts? Anyone?

-2 days-

Sunday, August 30, 2009

we're going to turn those mosquito bites into juicy juicy mangos

i'm never ever going to feel bad for complaining about missing you ever again.

A year and a half is a very long time...

And 12 times is less than once a month...


-1 day-

Friday, August 28, 2009

i dont know whats real, won't you tell me how you feel...

I swear to God, today was the best most bludgiest day i've had in quite a while. Yeah, youre all thinking 'you were at school... how is that possible?'

but seriously right.

We had extended home group which consisted of eating chips out in the sun whilst pretending to study for psych so that we had an excuse if any teachers decided to yell at us which of course none did cos me and Princess are like star students who could -never- do anything wrong. of course not. *shifty eyes*

Then we had double supervised study, during which Princess and I went to the library and read Wuthering Heights. (We're both reading it at the same time lol).

And then recess. Which I don't even remember except that i sat out in the sun and it was warm and i wished i'd worn a t-shirt. (no i was not half naked... i just wasnt wearing a t-shirt under my jumper lol). I think i talked to evil witch(who happens to be one of my best friends whom i love not an actual bitch lol) and Queen Bee... maybe...? oh yeah, we were talking about saving Lisa from Queen-Abs. lol.

Anywho, then I had double biology in which Lorna, Mark and I finished two work sheets in like five minutes, went to the library and spent about ten minutes briefly researching the acvhievments of seven biologists, and then convinced our relief teacher to let us sit outside and play hang man on lorna's iPhone for the rest of the double.

Then Lunch... I dont even remember. Ancient Studies we sat and listened whilst Clark informed us of the multiple times he's almost been killed whilst travelling (this included 2 incidents with machine guns being heald to his head, another incident with a 9millimetre pistol, and yet another where he was almost killed in a 'mafia warfare' knife fight). Supposedly the penalty for playing cards on a train in certain parts of vietnam is death. have fun with that.

Anyway, Princess and I spent English talking and laughing and reading the oh so hilarious gifts given to us by mr Akele this morning. which was quite hilarious. According to this book, things like cuddling, kissing and massages are sex. Hmm... I guess we all lost our virginity the first time our mummys cuddled us after we were born. just a little disturbing fact for you to think about.

Anywho, then xs tonight which was chill, cept now i have a headache. But The K-Man enjoyed himself so thanks everyone for making him welcome lol.

the truth about me and Jewel...

I know i probably seemed like a bitch tonight. Those of you who were there are sitting there thinking 'oh its a perfectly nice seeming girl singing well enough... except for the fact that she seems to be yodelling a bit'

and yes, that is true. However.

i've known her a very long time...

very long.

she read my journals. she published details of my life in a magazine. she passed in my stories or essays as her own. she fucked with my life.

i know i sound bitter. im sure i do. but she messed with me. and i dont like her very much. she betrayed my trust in every possible way...

even though she seems like just a nice girl with a guitar and a microphone.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

this is all we've got now, everybody scream your heart out...

So i got bored right... And decided i know, I'm going to upload a photo of myself on My Heritage and see which celebrities it decided my face looks like.

So apparently my face resembles:
Mandy Moore

Julia RobertsAnd Lisa Kudrow

You know what I find funny? I got bored so i put through a photo of Ben Feldman. And he didn't even come up as a resemblance. -laughs-

this thing is weird....

standing on the rooftops, everybody scream you heart out...


its kind of nice to have a relatively relaxing lesson of doing nothing.

i have finished my work and emailed it to Princess and Jac-in-a-box and now I'm bored.

so therefore i have decided to blog, but i don't really have anything worthwhile to say.

idk... I'm a bit of a loser really.


Anywho, steering away from my loserness...

I was thinking of writing a story. But I don't know what to write about. And besides if I start to write I'll probably just give up halfway through, or end up hating my characters, or mess up my story line.

I kind of had a story in mind anyway. But i don't really know how well it would turn out and it probably would just fail cos i can't really write and... idk...

I just fail.


But i think we were steering away from that so...

Hi? I'm Leisha.

I am 17 years old and I'm bored. I'm currently sitting in a Tourism class wishing I could think about something other than Charming, between Princess, Jac-in-a-box and SpaceMan wishing that this lesson would just end, that this day would just end and that my headache would just go.

You know today actually isn't that much of a bad day. Which is a surprise. I mean.. I'm in a bad mood. But over all i suppose it has actually been a reasonably okay. I'm tired of this class, and this day and I'm just in general tired. oh and there is a putrid smell in here if you know what i mean.........

But anyway...

My hairdresser thinks that I should get a darker brown temporarily put in my hair. Something about a triangle and a star or something... I really didn't understand what she meant by that. But sure.

I think Princess is as bored as I am. She's standing over my shoulder... no... sitting next to me now. And was reading over my shoulder and is eating my chocolate... So i'm assuming she is bored... And wants a nose peg as much as i do.

I'm bored.

Going now. Will probably blog again in a minute... Like as soon as i get back..

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

let me hold you for the last time, its the last chance to feel again...

i now officially have no purpose in life...

you know up until now the only thing i've really wanted out of life is to be a good mother...

but i can see that that is not going to happen. i'm going to make an awful mother.

maybe i just wont be one.

i mean i cant even keep one bratty twelve year old child to stop screaming and crying and demanding for just an hour.

god help me if any child of mine turns out like Angel here.

but thats okay... it wont because im not having children.

because if i have children i'll just fuck them up.

i cant even keep a twelve year old brat from crying.

because she thinks that if she cries she'll get whatever she wants.

and while my parents may work that way, i dont.

so im not just going to give her whatever she wants and she cant handle that which makes her cry and scream and abuse me which in turn makes me cry.

god, im going to be the world's most awful mother...

thats it. im not having kids. not now. not ever.

...not that i intended to have kids now... but thats not the point.

im never ever having children because i will fuck them up...

what the hell am i going to do with my life now...?

--i wish i could talk to you...--

cos finger by finger we're losing grasp and i'm questioning the reasons why nothing beautiful does last...

how long how long how long will we take to come undone? if you know the answer tell me now and i'll write up a calender for our coundown... cos what if what we see is all, is all we've got...?

Dear so and so...

Dear Cherry Blossoms,

You are pretty. I love you :D

Love Leish


Dear Warrior Essay,

Fuck you, I hate you. How dare you fuck up?

Fuck you,


Dear Simone,

Happy birthday

Love Leish


Dear Jess,

HappyBirthday also

Love Leish


Dear Today,

You suck, fuck you.

Burn in hell,


Dear Chocolate,

You saved my life. I love you...?

You're welcome at my place anytime,


Dear Dozen Bread Rolls,

I'm not really hungry, and truth be told I'm getting sick of carrying you around. I hope everyone else enjoys eating you and taking away your short tasty lives at lunch. I can't even eat you now.

So sick of you,


Dear Rain,

Where did you go?

Missing you,


Dear School Computers,

No idea why but you have randomly decided to unblock my blog! Yay! I love you!

Love love love love love, Leish.






Dear English Orals,

You are boring and evil. I am loving the fact that im avoiding listening to you because i did you Monday.

Love Leish.


Dear Depressing Music on my iPod,

You are perfectly suiting my mood today.


Love, Leish.


Dear Hole,

I am ready to crawl into you and die now.

Love Leish.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

being with you is as good as it gets, it doesn't get any better...

i fuck everything up. i really do. just.......... ignore me... seriously... the world would be a better place without me.

Monday, August 24, 2009

i'm all for believing, i'm all for believing...

'Your Nanna is right. You don't go out much for a 17 year old.'

That's what you said. That's what you told me.

'Hey, I was thinking of going to the year 12 drama performance Wednesday night.'

But oh no, I can't do that. Of course not. Because who will babysit? Hmm? Didn't think of that did you?

I couldn't possibly go out.

What was I thinking?

And I'm working what time on the weekend?

Oh, well that just doesn't fit in at all, does it?

No, of course not.


Seriously, Ben Feldman...
Doesn't everyone think he's hotter than oh... I don't know, a GOAT?

We were talking before about this guy on Australian Idol. Called Seth. And she says 'Yes, but is he as hot as a goat?'

Dunno about you babe, but I tend to go for guys over goats :P

and you set boundaries you'd never dream to cross and if you do you wake completely lost...

i think i lay out a lot of rules for my self. shit loads and shit loads of rules and boundaries and crap that i get freaked out about when i mess up... i break promises to myself constantly...

i have so many little things that im very particular about. little things that annoy me, and bug me. little things that i have to do my way or else i just freak out.

i tried, once upon a time, to be a little more easy going, and not to freak out so much when things don't go according to plan... but i just cant do it.

i cant be easy going. i cant deal with the stress of leaving things incomplete, or messy or to the last minute. i cant cope with things being done a different way to the way i would have done it. it just doesnt work that way.

i cant handle it when other people step over my boundaries.

i just cant do it.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

you know you're boring when the most exciting thing you've done all weekend is play farmtown on facebook

my grandmother commented today that i'm a very boring 17 year old. she's sitting there comparing my life to my cousin's when she was 17 for about an hour.

I mean, no, I don't go out every saturday night or much on the weekends... but i mean, for starters i cant afford it, and also, most of my friends work, or also cant afford it, or really, we just cant be bothered.

i mean, we are 15, 16 and 17... we cant be bothered having a life. our lives involve sitting around on our computers, or doing homework, or spending time with our families... or whatever the hell else we do. our weekends are about working and catching up on sleep or homework or reading...

besides, none of us can afford it. and where would we go? what would we do? idk...

i think we all have boring lives really. we just arent the party type really.

and they will never steal a place inside your soul...

you know it struck me today that i have nothing to say.

like i can tell you all that im sick, and that i feel like crap and that my grandparents forgot about picking me up today. i could tell you that i slept for more than 11 hours on friday night. i could tell you that i am sick of studying or that the only reason im really online is hoping that he might come on (and that thats the only reason i've been on at all all weekend).

but you know what? none of that even matters. nothing i write here matters. and nobody is really interested in it. maybe its just a record...

a record of the small and insignificant things that happen in my life. things that nobody even cares about but me. and probably things that even i shouldnt care about sometimes...

but really, what does matter? do we as individuals even matter at all? what can one of us alone do? how much of an effect can one person have? and would the world really notice one person gone...? id like to think so... but im just not so sure...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

i hate poetry




Forcing words to rhyme
To sing
To scream

To slap a message in your face
To spill tears
To spill smiles

To mend the heart
To wake the soul
To entertain
To taunt




Stuttering again and again
Never being able
To get it to flow
Like I imagined

Making the words just right
Until I want them to die


Until i want to kill them




And I think it hates me too...

the truth hurts and lies are worse, how can i give anymore?

and if you stay with me, honestly it's what i want...but if you stay with me i'll only hurt you more. so won't you save yourself, by leaving me now for someone else? if i'm crying out, don't listen to it. it's only my heart... it's only my heart... but im not strong enough to say goodbye...

i suppose im greedy. i love you too much to let you go. you make me too happy for me to let you go... i need you too much to let you go...

i don't want to lose you. in fact... it's more than that.. i can't lose you... i'm incapable of living through that again...

but... i dont know...

i just dont know...

...don't leave me... please don't leave me...

Monday, August 17, 2009

and give me your best lie love, cos im holding a crystal glass dove in my hand and if it falls its my fault...

Steadily, studiously place everything into a box. another box to add to the rows of boxes on your bedroom shelves, and in your mind. another day passed, more things to forget. its not as easy as you might think to just pack up the thoughts the day left on your mind when you fell asleep, exhausted from your tears, induced by the sleeping pills you keep beside your bed.

just pack it all away. 'im alive and i am free' thats not going to be you. because you arent as weak as they were. you have a life to live. you have people who love you just like you loved them.

just put away those memories, store them on your forbidden shelf in your forbidden box... wait until this time next year before you touch it, before you bring it out again....

a love of twisted symmetry

dear owner of this blog:

You are a hurricane.
You leave my kitchen in mess, tip water on my power cord, drop my sisters laptop (which thankfully is quite tough), you clean my room unbelievably quickly, and make me smile in a split second and you spin around a lot.

best hurricane ever :)

and the only time i touch you is in my sleep...

i dont like sleep... it scares me...

Naww... thats so sweet... were watching suddenly thrity.... and he makeded her a dream house... so sweet...

i want my own wishing dust.

aww that makes me sad.... he was so sweet and she was so mean... and over and over again...


god that would be so creepy. to randomly go from 13 to 30. she said the future of poise buti thought for a second she said porn whoops.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

cos its been ten days without you in my reach...

...stay with me just a bit longer now... don't find the time to say good bye... and please don't leave me... please don't leave me... cos i want you... cos i want you now...

--im sorry i wasn't in time to save you--

Dear so and so...

Dear Unis,

I'm sorry i'm scared of you. its not your fault.


Dear phone,

would you please stop vibrating when i dont have a message? its annoying.



Dear chocolate pudding,

you were yummy. i think i'll make another one of you soon cos you taste so good :D


Dear Tully,

while i am enjoying your story, it is depressing and i wish to finish reading about you soon. why isnt your book shorter?


Dear tomorrows brownies,

im sorry you will no longer be raspberry spiked. i cannot be bothered walking for an hour all up hill in order to go get some.



Dear stress inducing people,

cut it out, im stressed enough already.


Dear stuff i know but wish i didnt,

shush. i dont want to deal with you. go away or shut up.


Dear iPod,

what happened to my good music? why wont you play it?

i know enough now to know this beautiful place isnt everything they say...

everyday that goes by is freaking me out more and more. i just have this constant little voice im my head reminding me every five seconds 'you dont know what you want to do. you dont know what you're going to do with your life. you aren't going to get a high enough TER score to get into uni. you aren't going to find a course you want to do. when you decide which course you wont make it. when you make a course you will fail it. you have no future.' on and on and on at me. all the time. although i guess you already knew it was all the time cos i said before that it was constant... but whatever.

i went to the uni open days today and yesterday. sat in a whole bunch of lecture theatres wondering when someone was going to stand up and point to me and say 'you shouldnt be here, you have no future, you have no plans. you dont belong at -insert university name here-'. waiting for someone to point out the fraud i am.

waiting for someone to say 'yes i know youre interested in teaching. but you wont pass the course. in fact you probably wont even get into it. hell, you may as well just give up now. and even if by some miracle you get in, and pass, no one will ever hire you. you wont be a good teacher anyway. in fact youre not much good at anything. are you? ARE YOU?!'

Saturday, August 15, 2009

i've seen enough now to know that beautiful things dont always stay that way...

i wish i knew whether to tell you or not. you're so wrong. about so much. and you dont even realise it.

why? because they dont want to tell you. because truth be told, they just really do not care.

I understand their side... i suppose...

but, i know what its like to know... and i know what its like to not know...

i suppose you'd rather continue to pretend than cause conflict...

Friday, August 14, 2009

its sad how amusing i find your lame jokes...

that makes me scared... and sort of sad... i was just beginning to trust you... forget that.

---thanks so much jarred, now 'she's a sexy bitch' is going around and around in my head---

Thursday, August 13, 2009

i saw her hair was longer at the back, so i figured that's because she's canadian...

Don't get me wrong, I like my job... Most of the time. And working with Simon is usually fun. It was fun tonight, tiring, but fun.

But it makes me wonder sometimes... I mean, I have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. But I don't want to spend my life trapped in some dead end job that I hate.

And why do people end up in dead end jobs that they hate? because we all need more money to by more stuff. Most of which, we dont even need.

You know its like half past ten and i got home about half an hour ago. i logged on to do some school work before bed, but to be honest, i can't be bothered. I opened a word document. but i dont really feel like writing essays and such, and im going on an excursion rather than school tomorrow anyway, so i suppose it doesnt matter.

Also, just thought you all should know how badly i fail. I was supposed to drive home from work right. So i go 'Oh, i was going to drive... right...' and take the keys from dad, before proceeding to go and sit in the passenger seat, meanwhile dad is standing outside the passenger side door looking at me like im from another planet and im holding the keys wondering where im supposed to put them... like seriously, what the hell? As if i havent been driving for months. I should know by now that im supposed to sit in the DRIVERS seat. i mean, how messed up do you have to be to forget that?

What the hell.

I fail.

i seriously hate the school computers. they wont let me see my own blog dammit. fucking hell. I'm going to swear on here now cos i haven't previously and i figure if its blocked on the school computers, i can. this fails. i know i haven't been able to see it for ages, but this is really pissing me off... changing my URL doesn't work... -sigh- this sucks.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Your eyes they sparkled, that's all changed, it's our lies that drop like acid rain...

The ancient art of lying. Or rather I assume it's ancient. I'm sure people have been lying for many years. I mean, think about it. You don't want to explain what's going on, so you lie 'oh, I'm fine, really.' or 'I'm just really tired'. We didn't do our homework the night before, no problems 'my usb wont work' or 'I'm out of printing credits'

What about when we lie to ourselves though? I don't know about anyone else, but I lie to myself constantly. You lie until you believe it's true. And if you tell yourself the same lie enough times, that is what will happen.

Or when we don't want other people to know we are falling apart. Or when we're under a lot of stress...

The easiest way to cover for yourself, is to lie. We say 'Yes, I'm fine.' or 'Don't worry about me, I have everything under control' Regardless of whether this is the truth or not. It's so much easier to pretend like we don't have a problem, like we aren't under enormous stress, like we aren't falling to pieces... than it is to just open up and tell the truth.

i get lost when i look in your eyes...

from the very second, baby, i already knew id end up head over heels in love with you

You know i think i was in love with you from the moment we started being friends... Not as deeply in love as i am now... i mean... you sort of immediately became one of the most trusted people in my life, the first person i looked for when i entered a room, the person i spoke to about everything. you broke down my defenses in a way many people have struggled to do... and you did it so easily. i have no idea how you managed, its like you just broke straight through. and thats unusual, because i'm not normally so trusting of people...

--i just want to be with you forever--

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

maybe im not as sane as i thought...

Just wait for the silence, washing over you like waves on the shore. Soothing as you wait for the world to come crashing down around you again.

'If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs' if only if only....

we should have seen this coming... we should have seen it...

We wasted so many nights, too young and proud to understand...

i don't care that i'm dying, i just need to survive tonight...

she closed her eyes, letting the water wash over her, stinging as they ran over her wounds. 'Why do you do this to yourself?' he had asked. What would you say, she wondered, if i told you i don't...

Steam filled the room, clouding her vision as she slid to the floor against the wall, the water beating down on her, every part of her aching. She cried, the tears she rarely allowed to escape. 'Why won't you talk to me?' he had asked her. 'I just want to understand...'

But he couldn't. And so she didn't tell him. She didn't try to explain. She kept it all in again, trusting no one was easier. But she could no longer work that way. He was everything, he was her life... But what if, she wondered, he just doesn't understand...?

She felt the consciousness slowly slipping away her body, her vision blurring, the room spinning around her. She felt nauseous, she felt pain, she felt alone. But unconsciousness was easier than living through this moment.

She just needed to survive the night...

the only thing around worth hanging on to

hehe, beatcha to your own blog.

Hope you feel less foul as the day goes on :)

Monday, August 10, 2009

Hell, or no Hell? That is the question.

Before reading this post, go here.

Hell or no hell? A question that has sparked quite a bit of conversation amongst our small circle of three in the past hour or so. Just so that you get an idea of what i believe, I'm going to post my comment to this post on Lauren's Blog below, in italics. (i apologise to anyone who has already read this, just skip over it lol)

Yeah, I've been thinking about some of this lately, and to be honest I'm inclined to agree with you.
I mean think about it, we're told from a very young age that God loves all of us, each and every person who walks this earth and that he fogives us for our sins.
So if God loves each of us, why would he send us to hell if we didn't believe.And if he forgives each of us for our sins, why would he give us an eternal punishment? I don't think he would. Because he doesn't want to see any of us suffer. Wasn't that the entire point of the crucifixion of Christ? And if not... then that was a waste of Jesus' life, and he pretty much suffered for no reason.
This is actually part of my faith where I'm inclined to take into account the catholic beliefs of penance. Like where you serve a certian punishment...? Cos, while I don't think God would send us into eternal hell, I don't really expect to get off without being puniched for the sins i have committed in my life.
I've found that in the past few years, christianity is something I have struggled with an awful lot. Because I am a Christian, and I will be until the day I die, but there are a lot of things about christianity that do not sit right with me. And it's been the past few years where I suppose I've stopped being able to look at my faith in such a child-like, believing manner. And that's really challenged and changed some of the beliefs that I have.
Some of the nicest people I know are not Christians, and feel that they have seen too many awful things in their lives to believe in a god who loves and takes care of everyone. Some of the nicest people I know are not Christians because they have other beliefs. Or because they just don't understand christianity, or want to get involved.
Is God really going to punish these people for the things they have seen, or the way they have been brought up, or for having difficulty understanding a religion that quite frankly, even though I have been a christian my entire life, I don't even fully understand?
And looking on the other side of this arguement, some of the meanest, evilest people I know are Christians. Being a Christian doesn't automatically make you a good person, and I think a lot of people are misguided about that.
Christians arent automatically nice, and non-christians aren't automatically evil. I don't think that God would send nice, normal people to a prision infinite times worse than any man made prisions could be, for all of eternity.
God loves people too much for that. Doesn't he? That's what we've been told our entire lives right? So what is true? Does God love each of us unconditionally...? Or does he send people to an awful firey prision for not believing in him? And if it's the latter... Well, to be honest, that scares me.

Now, feel free to shut me down on any of this or what ever, but... To be honest, I don't understand how someone who is supposed to love us unconditionally, can send people to hell for not believing in him. I mean, it may just be me... but that seems like a condtion to me. Right? It's like him saying 'I love you unconditionally. As long as you........'

I mean, to be perfectly honest, at the moment, at the stage im at in my life and with my beliefs... I'd rather not believe in a God at all than believe in one who sends people to a place called hell... But I can't just stop believing in God, because that would be like getting up one morning and saying 'I no longer want to believe I have a sister' and just ignoring my sister for the rest of my life. She was there, she was a real part of my life for twelve years. i cant just imagine she doesnt exist.

And its the same with God. He is real. And I will never stop believing that. He has personally touched and impacted on my life. He has spoken to me, he has loved me, he has been my best friend...

But, I don't want to believe in hell.

I mean... The way I see it, to use the example from laurens blog, Hitler. I mean, I know hitler was a bad person. Quite possibly an evil person, if we go as far as to call others evil. You'd have to have been hiding under a rock not to know the destruction and devastation caused by Hitler. But I don't know if I believe that God would send him to hell. And I don't agree that he'd be forgiven only if he asked for it. I'm more inclined to believe that God would be like 'Yep, you've done some shit wrong (actually, he probably wouldnt swear... :S) you will be punished for that in _______ way. But I do forgive you, and i do love you and you will learn your lesson.'

A lot of what we're told in Christianity says that non-believers go to hell. But.. There are so so many good people who are non-believers. What about all those people who have always taken the time to care for others, who have tried to live good lives, but who don't believe in God...?

I dont know if I can be a part of something that says 'You don't believe what I believe so we're going to send you to a place infinite times worse than the worst place imaginable for the rest of eternity'

This is not to say that i know what im talking about. im just... very confused about what i believe...

Nawww... And its raining... :D

Sunday, August 9, 2009

lash out first at all the things we dont like or understand...

and it's beginning to get to me
that i know more of the stars and sea
than i do of whats in your head
barely touching in our cold bed...

is there really no escape, no escape from time of any kind?

What would you do if you were raped and fell pregnant? You're morally opposed to abortions and would flat out refuse to have one. You don't want your child to grow up not knowing it's mother, because even though you have been raped its still your child. You can't keep the child because every time you look at them you'll see bits of the person who raped you.

What do you do with a child that you can't keep, but cannot give away...?

Thursday, August 6, 2009

it takes so much out of me to pretend...

I fell asleep in the afternoon,
Woke up in the living room
It was one of those moments
When everything was so clear

Before the truth goes back into hiding
I want to decide cos it's worth deciding
To work on finding something more than this fear

It takes so much out of me to pretend
Tell me now, tell me how to make amends

Maybe I need to see the daylight
To leave behind this half life
Dont you see I'm breaking down?

Lately, something here don't feel right
This is just a half life
Is there really no escape
No escape from time
Of any kind?

I keep trying to understand
This thing and that thing
I guess I'll let you know
When I figure it out

But I dont mind a few mysteries
They can stay that way, it's fine by me
But you are another mystery I am missing

It takes so much out of me to pretend

Maybe I need to see the daylight
To leave behind this half life
Dont you see I'm breaking down?

Lately, something here don't feel right
This is just a half life
Is there really no escape
No escape from time
Of any kind?

come on lets fall in love
come on lets fall in love
come on lets fall in love

'cause lately something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life,
without you I am breaking down

wake me, let me see the daylight
save me from this half-life
let's you and I escape
escape from time

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I don't want to lie, be something that I'm not. Can't promise you the moon and stars but I'll give you my love...

going back to the corner where i first saw you...

Sorry, I can't handle your attitude towards my friends today...

Sorry, I can't handle your negativity today...

Sorry, I can't handle sitting and listening to you talk about yourself for hours on end today...

Sorry I can't handle acting today...

Sorry, I can't handle you meddling in my life today...

Sorry, I can't handle your nosiness today...

Sorry, I can't handle being ignored today...

Sorry, I can't handle the noise today...

Sorry, I can't handle talking to you today...

Sorry, I can't handle hiding today...

Sorry, I can't handle telling you the truth today...

Someday always comes

I have added my signature into your formatting, if its too annoying for you to backspace it everytime, just take it off :).

You can do the same for me.

Maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can remember what good is supposed to look like. 'I've got peanut butter, we can share'

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

for something and that someday always comes

i don't believe i have anything to say...
we should ban each other from posting random posts lol.

Dear so and so...

Dear Low Carb Diet Website,

You fail. All of your information is different to all of the other websites Lauren has been using for her nutrition. Learn the truth!


Dear school computers,

You are slow and it is annoying me. Also, why can't i view my own blog? -cries-


Dear iPod,

You keep playing the crappy songs I own. Can you not play something decent once in a while? Please?


Dear Time Out Bar,

You were yummy :D


Dear Glitta,

You said you were coming to supervised today. Naughty girl.


Dear Egyptian Gods,

I don't really care about you. You can go die. Oh wait, you already did.

PS. Min: Put it away. we don't all want to see... :


Dear school work,

You are boring. Please do yourself, cos I cannot be bothered.


Dear story,

Please read my mind so that i can stop actually writing you.


Dear Jump 5,

Get a better band name.


Dear pencil,

You are on my desk but you do not belong to me. Go away?


Dear time,

Please slow down a little...? Stop going so fast...


Dear soup,

I want to eat you. You will be yummy.

cos everyone would rather watch you fall...

It's August. The eighth month of the year. Of my eighteenth year on this earth.

I know that i've already posted stuff about this, about how I feel like so much of the year has passed and I haven't actually achieved anything.

But seriously, Lauren reminded me today that we're in August, and I almost cried. Because I'm retarded... But also, because I realised how much time has gone by, and what do i have to show for it? A couple of hundred dollars in the bank? What have I done with my 8 months?

I'll tell you exactly what. I've worked, I've gone to school, I've gone to youth friday nights. I'll occassionally do stuff with friends. I've passed up hundreds of assignments. I've recieved multiple A's and a few B's. I've...

I've spent my days sitting in classrooms, and my nights sitting in front of my desk doing homework. I've spent my weekends working, and I've come home from work, only to sit in front of my desk and do some more homework.

I haven't done anything with my year.

And to be honest, I don't think I have done much with my life.

If I died tomorrow, what effect wouold my life have had? None. Because I haven't done anything with it.... But I don't know what I should have done with it, what I should do with it, or how to do something with my life...

Monday, August 3, 2009

the part of you that'll never show, you're the only one that'll ever know...

it annoys me the way you think you can just remove yourself from the situation. if you are now saying you weren't directly involved then, why were you mad at me then? why did you chose to take sides? why did you back me into a corner? why did you fight me? why did you make me feel unwelcome every time i went near you? why did you ignore me? why did you treat me like you hated me?

you cant behave the way you did and then turn around and say that you were not directly involved. you helped make my life a living hell for weeks. you were part of something that made me cry myself to sleep for weeks, that made me distance myself from the people closest to me, that made me hurt myself, and that hurt me more than you can even imagine, while you went around bitching about me and ignoring me. if you weren't directly involved... what were you? how do you explain the way you behaved towards me?

i just... dont understand...

i close my eyes and make a wish for you...

maybe maybe nothing could prepare you...

see 14/7