Wednesday, June 24, 2009

the guilt is all on you, but i'm easier to blame...

I don't even know how to talk to people about things... I don't know how to confront you with all of the crap I want to say. I don't know how to tell you what I really think.

I suppose a large part of my problem is that I don't want to hurt you. More than anything I don't want to hurt you. But... You never listen.

People talk. You should know that. After all the shit we have all gone through in the past year or so. You should know that people talk. And we all say, 'yeah, I'm going to stop bitching.' And we all do have good intentions. But then someone reeeeally annoys us, or we're having a bad day and they just do that one thing that makes us snap. And so what is our automatic reaction as girls? Grab the person we bitch to the most and have a nice long whine.

Sometimes though, it isn't just a bad day. Sometimes it isn't just one tiny little thing. No, sometimes people really do annoy us. And we just cannot stand it any longer. And when you find a whole group of people who are all massively pissed off at the same person, for the same things, you don't really feel as bad for bitching.

The problem is that you don't want to bitch. Because you like that person, or you did, or you want to. But when they are doing something that is pissing you off that much..........

Well, while it isn't really an excuse, it is in our nature as girls to bitch. It's just what we do. We don't mean to. But...

-Sigh- I fail. I don't think I can even get this out. I'm just... SOOOOO frustrated with you. I used to love you. We used to be close. I used to tell you almost everything about me and my life. And now, you just frustrate me.

It's not to say that I don't like you, that I didn't like you, that I don't want to like you. And I suppose I haven't said any of this to you because I don't want to hurt you. But there is only so long I can go on protecting your feelings.

Because I think you need to listen. And I think there is a lesson in this for everyone, regardless of whether you are the person this is aimed at or not.

You cannot be the centre of attention all the time. Sometimes things need to be about other people. If a person is not paying one hundred percent attention to you all the time it is not an excuse to be louder and more attention seeking. Sometimes other people have more important things on their mind than you. And it's about time you just... accept that and try to calm down a bit. If we have heard a story once, it is probably not going to be any different the second, third or fourth times around, so there is really no necessity to repeat it. Oh, and when you say 'Yeah, that's just like...' It's never just like. All of the things you have ever used after those words when talking to me have never had anything to do with what I'd just been saying. You're a good person. But maybe it's time for you to consider other people a little bit more.

I know that this is just you, and I'm not saying it is a bad thing. It's just that too much of it is a bad thing. You are very much the sort of person who should be the centre of attention. The roll suits you, and you play it well. You have a lot to say and normally a good way of expressing yourself.

However, at the moment I think you need to maybe calm down, take a deep breathe, and choose your battles a bit better. Try and work out when you really need to be the centre of attention, and when people just need a break. Try and work out when someone else needs a shot.

Because all of this bitching and all of this crap... It can all stop as soon as you stop being so attention seeking. No offense, but no one cares about your guys. Okay? It is interesting for a little while, but when you constantly go on and on, it gets so tiring. Everyone is tired of being annoyed and annoyed until you're satisfied you have their attention.

...Okay, clearly I am not very good at this. Because this has come out sounding like a massive bitching session which is not exactly what I intended. But... Maybe just read over what I said. Think about it. If you think any of this relates to you, maybe you should have a little think. Maybe you should work out what you're doing that pisses people off.

Now, I don't want anyone to change who they are. But if this relates to you, maybe you should think about toning it down a little. Trust me, people will appreciate it. And they will be a lot more receptive to you when you actually do have something important to say.

And if you want to actually talk about all of this with me, feel free. That's what I am here for. This blog was not intended to hurt or offend anyone, just in case anyone is feeling in anyway hurt or offended by it. And if you are, maybe it's because i've hit the nail on the head. You're the attention seeker.

Anyway, if anyone has any issues or anythign with this post let me know. And if you want to talk about it come see me. And if not... Well, either it doesnt relate to you and you know it. Or you're in denial. Or at least think about what I said.

I love you. And I'm sorry.

Friday, June 19, 2009

dont you get it? dont you get it? no? dont you move.

just for the record the weather today is slightly sarcastic with a good chance of a) indifference or b) disintrest in what the critics say....

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


'Can you feel the love tonight?
You needn't look too far
Stealing through the night's uncertainties
Love is where they are'

They sat in silence, staring at the low flickers of flame around the campfire. They'd been singing before. Musical songs, and campfire sing-a-longs.

'So' he said, nudging her gently in the side. '-Can- you feel the love tonight?'

She sighed, and looked beside her at her dear friend. 'Not really...' she whispered. 'The one who holds my heart is too far away...'

She lay back and stared at the stars, wishing that she could just be where he was.........

baby don't go...

refresh... refresh the screen, ten times each minute. sit here knowing i should work but instead just stare a the blank screen. it's not due til friday anyway. no, no i cant get into that routine. stick to the schedule. just stick to the damn schedule.

everything planned, everything worked out, a whole life before my eyes. the tiniest surprise or change freaks me out. well maybe i dont want everything to be planned out, and maybe i need to live on the edge now and again. but i cant.

im too scared. or life. of change. of bad things happening. of getting behind. of not having everything in order anymore.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Saturday, June 6, 2009

hold me and touch me and love me again and show me why i believe...

How did you ever survive without him? I cannot begin to imagine. Well... Actually that is a lie. I know exactly. But I still do not know how you got through it. Let alone where you'd be now if it weren't for him. Well actually now that I think about it that is a lie too. I know exactly where you would be. And I for one am going to be eternally grateful to him for all of the days of my life. Although I guess I covered the 'all the days of my life' part when I said 'eternally' huh. Oh well, you know what I mean. I don't think anyone else could love you like he does. And there is no way you could love anyone else as you do him. He treats you like a princess you realise. And yet you still can't take a compliment. Most of what he says is true you know? But you can't see it... Because you're too pigheaded to let yourself realise that it's already happened. He has already broken through all of your defences. He has already made you fall in love. You could never want anyone or anything else. He is perfect for you. He is everything you ever wanted, everything you ever needed. You love him...


Thursday, June 4, 2009

on our bodies we share the same scars...

Ever wondered what happens when it all falls apart? When a his perfectly woven lies begin to fall apart, what is it that we'll then see? Will it be as it once was? Just a sweet innocent young boy, in the body of a broken teenager? Or will we see the cracks and cobwebs, the spiders and dark holes that threaten to burst from him at any moment, to swallow him whole and take him away? Did he ever really love you? Did he ever love her? Did he ever love anyone? Did he ever love himself? Or was it all just a lie? Did he break because of you? Could you have helped him to heal? Or was there nothing you could do? Is there anyway he could still be here? Do you want him anyway? Did you think back then that life could be good without him? I'm sure you didn't. But it is, don't you see? Because you've spent the past two years being truly loved, and truly cared for. And because you've learned to truly love another. How long did it take you to see he never cared about anyone but himself? You should have just realised that. You should have realised long before you did. It wasn't like you loved him, no. He wasn't that important really. A childhood friend whom you could easily pass over, move on from. It was what he did. It was what you saw when it all fell apart, when the perfectly woven blanket of lies fell to pieces. It was how that changed you. That is what stayed. If you could see him now, you'd pass right by. Because it isn't worth going through that again. He hurt you in a way you didn't think possible. And you should have just gotten over it. You should have. Because he meant nothing. He was noone. But you didn't. Because you were hurt. And you were mad. 'You're a woman, you can hold onto it forever.' And maybe you will always be mad. He was noone. He was the bringer of pain, the start of all this hurt. But now there is someone who truly cares. Someone who started to pick up your broken pieces, and put you back together. Someone who loves you for who you really are, all lies aside. Someone who has snuck past all of your defences, all of the barriers you put up to keep the world out, to keep the shadows and the spiders away... He is wonderful, and amazing, and it isn't even possible to describe how much so... He truly loves you, for who you are beneath it all. And you truly love him. And it is through him, that you can now love other people. That you've let other people in. It is because of him that you know love. And it is because of him that you can love. He saved your life. And without him, you wouold not be here today. You will always love him...