so guess what, i can see my blog on the school computers again! yay!

in other news, im in a shitty mood today. i get up in a bad mood, after not sleeping again, spending half of my night doing yoga (lol. i know. im a retard. but you have to do something when you're exhausted and stressed and its two forty seven and you still havent gotten a wink of sleep) and the other half studying. And yet i still failed my practice psych exam. which i suppose means im going to fail the real thing.

i got in the shower. it was cold. i brushed my hair. it decided to stick up and make me look stupid anyway. i took one look at my small pile of make up and decided i couldnt be bothered. i got ready, dressed in my uniform and was about to leave when all of a sudden i hear 'why are you wearing your uniform?' thats right, because the whole world (except for me of course) knew that it was casual day today. run back to my room. look for clothes. uhh what to wear? the first thing i could find of course...

get dropped off outside coles secretly glad that i have the excuse that i had to walk past to explain the block of chocolate that just so happened to end up in my bag, the $3 that just so happened to disappear from my wallet. although i really didnt eat much of it myself cos im too nice and shared it.

failed psych practice test. worked out that despite hours and hours of studying i dont know anything. at all.

recess was fine i guess. uhhh in fact. i dont know. maybe it was fine. maybe it wasnt. i actually dont remember... which is not good. cos it was like not even an hour ago. wait. yes i was. i dont know... its 12.21. you do the maths. i dont even know what time recess is.

Am now in english (or... supposed to be in english, but im in the computer labs instead cos well... im supposed to be being productive. i've written one sentence. And a heading.) and im coming to the sudden realisation that this assignment is not going to be done by friday. no way. no way in hell. i asked her for an extention. considering im baby sitting tonight and tomorrow night. yay. and she didnt exactly say yes or no. so im going to assume that that is a yes. and i now somehow have to find a way to finish this assignment by monday.

pretty much im just screwed. im going to fail everything. if i fail the rest of this year that means i fail six subjects. ive already failed one. that means i'll have failed seven. which means that i'll fail my sace. which means i cant go to uni. i probably cant go to uni. i dont know what i'll do at uni anyway. i'd be an awful teacher. maybe i should just join jessie and take a bartending course and travel europe bartending and baristering... i intend to do the barister thing anyway... besides this way i wouldnt have to come back in time for uni to start.

the only thing keeping me would be missing him............ but maybe he could come with me. for a while anyway... i want to go. i want to travel. i want to see the world.

but then again i dont. im scared of going anywhere alone. how could i go travelling alone...? i cant. -sigh- maybe i should go with jessie... maybe i should go.. and come back with her in time for uni to start again.

you know part of me doesnt know why i want kids, or why i want to teach. im going to be an awful teacher. im going to be a worse mother.

you know reading over this post im thinking about how trivial the stuff im talking about is. theres all this shit going on, and yet for some reason i cant bring myself to talk about it, like talking about it will bring it into the open, make it real. and so instead im focusing on all of this trivial crap. like failing. and things that havent happened. and things that wont happen.

instead of talking about what has happen.

if i push it down enough maybe it will go away. maybe i can pretend there is nothing. maybe i can convince myself the way that i convince other people.

you know what i was remembering? a few years ago. when i thought i had problems. i didnt have problems. i thought i did. but i didnt. i had no idea. i remember when i thought it was really bad, and i...l cant even explain it... but i needed to make myself feel something. i needed to make myself feel pain. and so i wore hairties. you all saw/knew about/stole from me at various times the one on my wrist... but what none of you knew was that i used to wear them all the way up my arm. a hairtie every 3 or 4 centimetres. slowly but surely cutting off the circulation to my arms.

back when i thought i had problems. if i only knew... i suppose the difference between then and now is that im better at coping. i mean thats not to say im not on the edge right now... but... im coping better than i was then...

anyway... enough of my ranting. sorry about the long post. im impressed with anyone who actually got all the way to the end. bravo. you must be bored by now. sorry.
-24 days-

i'd like to believe that things get better. You know, that one day things wouldnt be quite so bad... maybe...

but maybe that is just wishful thinking.

i feel awful for the people affected by all of these tragedies... you know... the ones that happened over the weekend, today... all those that will ever happen. and thinking about how these things affects the people close to them... thinking about how death affects the people close to them... it just draws up old memories...

sorry, i probably sound selfish and like im turning other peoples problems around so that theyre all about me. thats not my intention.

im sorry. im so sorry you have to go through it. thats all....

i want to go to sleep. i can forget everything then... everything is safe when i'm asleep in his arms...

i wish...

-3 days-

i have decided to teach myself french. i mean... i've been wanting to learn it for ages. So why not teach myself?

I'm curious now, i hope you know. Paying more attention to my own thoughts. Wondering what yours are like. And then i just get more carried away.

The mind is a weird place to be.

Esspecially mine.

My mind is a weird place to be right now.

I need sleep.

You know what makes me sleep?

I want that one too.

Yeah, pretty.

Je vous aime

liar, liar, burn in hell

j'ai besoin de vous

likewater,likebreath,likerain

They think I'm wrong. Or that I'm behaving inappropriately.

And I have no idea anymore...

She can hug any guy she likes for as long as she likes, she can hug you for as long as she likes. But me? no. No I can't. In fact, I shouldn't at all.

Or should I?

I can hug any of my other best friends. As far as i know its not against the law. So why not you? When you're maybe the most important of them all...

I'm sorry if I'm wrong... I'm sorry, cos i'm sure it hurt. Cos it hurt me, just to let go.

Old habits die hard sweetheart and its not getting any easier. We've been walking that road for so long that itsa hard to walk another. That its hard to go a different way. And its all up to me, because I know that you wouldn't object if i rolled over into your arms, you'd just wrap them around me where they used to belong and tell me that you love me, that you're glad i came back. And I know that both of us want not much more than for that to happen. But...

I don't know if i imagined it, or if you ran your fingers through my hair. Just the way you used to when i'd fall asleep.

And I don't know if it was you, or just me being stupid and imagining things in my sleep.

No one else seems to understand this whole thing with you and me... Because well... It doesn't make much sense. I love you, you love me, but we can't be together.

Seems straight forward enough...

Is painful enough. More than enough. And thats just for me. I can't even imagine how it must be for you.

And i'm sure I don't make things easier.

But I miss you.

Even when I'm right beside you.

I feel sick. Completely sick to the stomach every time I think about the fact that I might never get to curl up in your arms anymore, or fall asleep beside you, or just sit and talk the way we used to without everyone giving us weird looks.That i can't just hug you when I want to, cos everyone is so critical about it.

and its really not fair, because above it all you were my best friend. Above it all you are my best friend. And i miss you. I don't think its fair that everyone else can be so critical of us.

Well sorry, you're allowed to be best friends with him. And she is best friends with the other one. And he is still really close to her.

So why can't we?

I'm sorry... I miss you... and i hate you =P if I bruise, you die. lol.

I miss him. So shouldnt say that, or much of what i have said on here, cos he is going to find it eventually. and read it eventually. He will...

But I miss him...

I wish I didn't. Although I'm not surprised that I do. This was never going to be easy.

BWO (big week out) started tonight. YAY! only proving that essentially this was the right choice for me. In a battle of heart and soul your soul has to win out in the end. Yeah i know i sound like either a stupid religious fanatic or a teenager in love. Or probably a combination of both. Well, i'm not sure what is true anymore.

Its been a huge day and im exhuasted, i might get back to this later. For now im just hoping that sleep will come tonight, as it has opted not to for the past week or so.

Rather hyped up,

Leish xox