so guess what, i can see my blog on the school computers again! yay!

in other news, im in a shitty mood today. i get up in a bad mood, after not sleeping again, spending half of my night doing yoga (lol. i know. im a retard. but you have to do something when you're exhausted and stressed and its two forty seven and you still havent gotten a wink of sleep) and the other half studying. And yet i still failed my practice psych exam. which i suppose means im going to fail the real thing.

i got in the shower. it was cold. i brushed my hair. it decided to stick up and make me look stupid anyway. i took one look at my small pile of make up and decided i couldnt be bothered. i got ready, dressed in my uniform and was about to leave when all of a sudden i hear 'why are you wearing your uniform?' thats right, because the whole world (except for me of course) knew that it was casual day today. run back to my room. look for clothes. uhh what to wear? the first thing i could find of course...

get dropped off outside coles secretly glad that i have the excuse that i had to walk past to explain the block of chocolate that just so happened to end up in my bag, the $3 that just so happened to disappear from my wallet. although i really didnt eat much of it myself cos im too nice and shared it.

failed psych practice test. worked out that despite hours and hours of studying i dont know anything. at all.

recess was fine i guess. uhhh in fact. i dont know. maybe it was fine. maybe it wasnt. i actually dont remember... which is not good. cos it was like not even an hour ago. wait. yes i was. i dont know... its 12.21. you do the maths. i dont even know what time recess is.

Am now in english (or... supposed to be in english, but im in the computer labs instead cos well... im supposed to be being productive. i've written one sentence. And a heading.) and im coming to the sudden realisation that this assignment is not going to be done by friday. no way. no way in hell. i asked her for an extention. considering im baby sitting tonight and tomorrow night. yay. and she didnt exactly say yes or no. so im going to assume that that is a yes. and i now somehow have to find a way to finish this assignment by monday.

pretty much im just screwed. im going to fail everything. if i fail the rest of this year that means i fail six subjects. ive already failed one. that means i'll have failed seven. which means that i'll fail my sace. which means i cant go to uni. i probably cant go to uni. i dont know what i'll do at uni anyway. i'd be an awful teacher. maybe i should just join jessie and take a bartending course and travel europe bartending and baristering... i intend to do the barister thing anyway... besides this way i wouldnt have to come back in time for uni to start.

the only thing keeping me would be missing him............ but maybe he could come with me. for a while anyway... i want to go. i want to travel. i want to see the world.

but then again i dont. im scared of going anywhere alone. how could i go travelling alone...? i cant. -sigh- maybe i should go with jessie... maybe i should go.. and come back with her in time for uni to start again.

you know part of me doesnt know why i want kids, or why i want to teach. im going to be an awful teacher. im going to be a worse mother.

you know reading over this post im thinking about how trivial the stuff im talking about is. theres all this shit going on, and yet for some reason i cant bring myself to talk about it, like talking about it will bring it into the open, make it real. and so instead im focusing on all of this trivial crap. like failing. and things that havent happened. and things that wont happen.

instead of talking about what has happen.

if i push it down enough maybe it will go away. maybe i can pretend there is nothing. maybe i can convince myself the way that i convince other people.

you know what i was remembering? a few years ago. when i thought i had problems. i didnt have problems. i thought i did. but i didnt. i had no idea. i remember when i thought it was really bad, and i...l cant even explain it... but i needed to make myself feel something. i needed to make myself feel pain. and so i wore hairties. you all saw/knew about/stole from me at various times the one on my wrist... but what none of you knew was that i used to wear them all the way up my arm. a hairtie every 3 or 4 centimetres. slowly but surely cutting off the circulation to my arms.

back when i thought i had problems. if i only knew... i suppose the difference between then and now is that im better at coping. i mean thats not to say im not on the edge right now... but... im coping better than i was then...

anyway... enough of my ranting. sorry about the long post. im impressed with anyone who actually got all the way to the end. bravo. you must be bored by now. sorry.
-24 days-

Steadily, studiously place everything into a box. another box to add to the rows of boxes on your bedroom shelves, and in your mind. another day passed, more things to forget. its not as easy as you might think to just pack up the thoughts the day left on your mind when you fell asleep, exhausted from your tears, induced by the sleeping pills you keep beside your bed.

just pack it all away. 'im alive and i am free' thats not going to be you. because you arent as weak as they were. you have a life to live. you have people who love you just like you loved them.

just put away those memories, store them on your forbidden shelf in your forbidden box... wait until this time next year before you touch it, before you bring it out again....

It's done. Thursday. It was done thursday. And I miss him. I feel like I shouldn't. And I know that I hurt him. But at least I know from spending yesterday afternoon basically talking things over with him that he can and will forgive me. That I haven't lost one of my best friends.

You want to know the two things that hurt the most?

Well, probably not. But I'm going to tell you anyway.

Firstly, When I did it. When I broke up with him, and he kept looking over to see my face. To see if I was alright and I so didn't deserve that. But that's not even it. He wanted to know if there was any chance. And I simply said, 'I don't know. Not likely. At all.' And he looked so hurt. Only when he didn't think I was looking. It was kind of annoying actually, he stayed completely blank faced when I was looking. But the second he thought I'd looked away, he just... Looked so hurt. And what he said to me next... Hurt. It hurt like hell. Because it was so like him. And It was something I did not deserve. Not after hurting him so badly. And because I knew that at this point in time there is no way that i can take him up on it. Let alone ever. He just forced a smile, looked at me, and said, 'I just want you to know that if you ever want to, we can forget this ever happened and go back to the way things were.The way we both wish they could be. We could just forget this whole thing ever happened.' And i just... knew that couldn't happen. And that hurt.

More than it should have. More than I should have let it.

And secondly, well the second one was yesterday. Because I was supposed to go to Louise's with a whole bunch of them. Which turned into Lauren, Louise, myself, Branden and Alison(Louise's little sister) and Annie (her friend). Before Annie got there, the rest of us were watching 'Moulin Rouge' (stupid Lauren and her movie choices)nah just kidding i love her. But Its a movie about love. what else can i say? And also it was the movie during which i wrote the letter to Branden, in which i was breaking up with him... The movie I cried rather uncontrollably through the last time i saw it. The movie which i had to control myself through the whole time because I could feel the tears again and I didn't want to cry in front of him (not that I didn't later when we were talking anyway... But that was bad, cos he ended up comforting me and firstly he shouldnt have had to do that and secondly it probably looked like nothing has changed between us, when in fact my whole world has been turned upside down. and things make even less sense than before) because that wouldnt be fair. And then i made the mistake of looking up from where i was absentmindedly staring at a spot on the wall and coming face to face with him looking at me.

And he just sort of half-smiled and mouthed the three words that cut me deepest... 'I miss you' And... It just... hurt. The tears the were well hidden just seconds before were now coming to my eyes. So I mouthed back, 'I'm sorry' and picked up my empty glass and went to the kitchen to 'get a drink' which translates to cry my eyes out.

I don't think I did a very good job of acting sane yesterday.

Oh, and for those of you who know about the famous Leisha Laughing Fits... And how they stopped a little under two years ago... Well, lets just say that firstly, the floor in Louise's kitchen is more comfortable than the ground at youth... And secondly, I don't even remember what was funny.

Yes, the laughing fits are back.

We had a good chance to talk though. Sort things out as much as they can be sorted out. Settle on just being good friends.

I'm not ready to lose him... So, if he still wants to be my friend... Well, I'm insanely happy at that.

Please, for those of you reading this (if anyone) who are near me often, and you see me staring off into space or looking a little miserable... or if i accidently snap at you (i will, just wait and see...) I apologise in advance. Please just forgive me for my behaviour in the coming weeks...

Love you all,

Leish xox

--shes not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention, cos thats just ridiculously odd--