when everything we talked about was gone, and the only chance we had of moving on was trying to take it back before it all went wrong...

**Long Post Alert**

we broke up.

and you're all thinking 'you WHAT?!'

no, Charming and i didn't break up. well... not recently anyway...

but thats what i want to talk about...

i was telling him a second ago, that normally when someone knows me as well as he does, i go running in the opposite direction. but then i started thinking, and i realised, i havent done very much running recently. most of you know me better than i realised. you all know the tiniest little details of my life. and i havent run, i havent screamed, i havent cried, i havent stressed. because i realised, i trust each and everyone of you with the things you know.

you know i used to not trust anyone. and it got me in shit. it pulled my life apart because i couldnt trust even the people closest to me. and i realised it was no way to live. that i couldnt do it anymore. and probably none of you even realised the change in me.

so i decided something. i havent run screaming, i havent cried, i havent stressed. because i trust everyone. i give everyone my complete and utter trust and respect, and its up to you if you break it.

it's his fault you know. he showed me that i could trust the people who tried to get close to me. and so i started opening up, i started trusting. im getting better at it lol.

***

anyway... that wasn't the point of this blog, but good for you all to know anyway...

and now i dont remember what the point was.

shit.

***

10 mins later

ahh thats right -remembers- sorry, today is not a great day for my brain. ...then again most days aren't...

we broke up.

i was talking about break ups with an absolutely gorgeous friend of mine the other day... and she said something to me that sort of surprised me. she told me 'sorry.' and it took me a moment to work out what she was apologising for. until she explained that at the time she didn't understand where i was. that at the time she didn't understand how a breakup could feel like the end of the world, like you'd lost half of yourself... and how without that other half you just... I just couldnt work right.

breaking up with him... was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life. sitting there, standing there, watching him read, trying to explain... trying to hold myself together so that he didn't have to watch me break down...

i have never had to do anything that hard in my life. i have never had to hurt another person that much in my life.

and yet, even though i broke apart his entire world he was still looking out for me, trying to make sure that I was okay...

anyway, what im trying to say is that i don't think you can realise until you've been there... until that other person is... well, everything to you. and even then, you think about how it would be to live without them, you imagine having to survive everyday without them... and you feel pain... but just thinking about it isnt enough. just thinking about it is shit painful. it would make any sane person refuse, hold on tighter.

but when you have no choice... when that is what has to happen... you do it.

and living without them is much harder than you could have even imagined. when you've done it, and its over, and he is no longer yours... the despair that comes crashing down on you is... well its a pain worse than i had ever imagined. and holding myself together while i was still with him... was the hardest thing i've ever done.

I left him with Glitter, trusting the person i love the most in the world to her care. trusting her to be there for him, to look after him for me... because i couldnt do it anymore. and i got on a bus and cried, the entire way to Princess' house... before sitting there in near silence, just needing to be with someone who loved me. and i will always be eternally grateful to these two amazing girls for that... although i suppose when i said always that kinda made eternally unnecessary huh?

oh well. thats not the point.

anyway, i was talking to this friend the other day, the one who apologised. and she said to me 'back then i just didn't understand. it didn't make sense to me that you didn't just bounce back. that you weren't just... over it.' or something to that effect anyway. but she understands now.

and im grateful for that.

he is... the best thing that has ever happened to me. the most amazingly wonderful person i could ever know. and for some crazy reason... he loves me. and you know what? i love him. i love him so much... being apart from him every day kills me... but, i survive, knowing that soon i might get to see him again. and one day, i'll never have to leave him...

-16 days-