you know the problem with other people's pain? the fact that you cant fix it. you cant take it away. you cant share the burden. there is nothing, nothing, that you can do to take it away or make it better.

there is no pain like hers. and nothing that i can do to help her, to fix it, to make it better. all that i have the power to do is be there. and that makes me really sad. i wish that i could take it away, lift her burden on my own shoulders and suffer her hurt myself just so that she doesnt have to go through that.

she's going to have to live with that pain for the rest of her life. the pain of losing a child she hadn't even been given the chance to get to know yet. all because of him and what he did.

-10 days-

I was trying today, to think about you with someone else. I guess it made me cranky. Everyone pissed me off today, everyone made me feel bitter and angry and hurt. And not because they did anything to me. Because I was doing it to myself.

I will be happy for you. When you find her. Because you will.

I’m sure she’s pretty. And has a beautiful genuine smile. And is smart. And funny. And… Perfect.

She’s probably nothing like me… Which is probably a good thing.

I will be happy for you and I won’t let on how much it hurts.

And I shall do the best friend thing to do, and hug you and demand to meet her so that we can become good friends and bitch about you behind your back :P (sorry, it’s a girl thing).

But until this happens, I will always wish that things could change. And I will always wish that things had been different.

Maybe one day we will both go our separate ways, and we will both move on and be happy with someone else. But you’ll still be my best friend. And somewhere inside me, I’ll still love you. Because I don’t think that you can make it go away. I don’t think that anything could make what we have disappear. It will always be there, in some way, shape or form. Because what we have is had was too strong to lose completely. It was too strong to go away all together.

Maybe one day our paths will cross again.

Maybe one day things will be different.

I'm tired. I'm so insanely tired. I am tired of not sleeping, and tired of dealing with people, and tired of pretending to be happy.

I'm tired of being here. And i'm tired of all of this.

Mentally, emotionally, I cannot take anymore.

This is all... too much... far too much...

And i miss you. I shouldn't. But i do.

You drive me insane. I literally find it hard to sit there and listen to everything you say, because not only does it never end, but also its never about anythign important. I'm going to sound like a stupid selfish little brat... But... You only ever talk about a) nothing/crap, b)stories we've heard a million times and don't WANT to hear again or c) yourself.

I listen to you. Okay? I do. Sometimes... As much as i can bear to.

But don't expect me to smile and be cheery and chirpy every second of the day. Because right now, even if i look happy, im not.

Right now, everything is hard. And everything hurts.