Wednesday, October 21, 2009

the first kiss and the first time that i felt connected to anything...

so guess what, i can see my blog on the school computers again! yay!

in other news, im in a shitty mood today. i get up in a bad mood, after not sleeping again, spending half of my night doing yoga (lol. i know. im a retard. but you have to do something when you're exhausted and stressed and its two forty seven and you still havent gotten a wink of sleep) and the other half studying. And yet i still failed my practice psych exam. which i suppose means im going to fail the real thing.

i got in the shower. it was cold. i brushed my hair. it decided to stick up and make me look stupid anyway. i took one look at my small pile of make up and decided i couldnt be bothered. i got ready, dressed in my uniform and was about to leave when all of a sudden i hear 'why are you wearing your uniform?' thats right, because the whole world (except for me of course) knew that it was casual day today. run back to my room. look for clothes. uhh what to wear? the first thing i could find of course...

get dropped off outside coles secretly glad that i have the excuse that i had to walk past to explain the block of chocolate that just so happened to end up in my bag, the $3 that just so happened to disappear from my wallet. although i really didnt eat much of it myself cos im too nice and shared it.

failed psych practice test. worked out that despite hours and hours of studying i dont know anything. at all.

recess was fine i guess. uhhh in fact. i dont know. maybe it was fine. maybe it wasnt. i actually dont remember... which is not good. cos it was like not even an hour ago. wait. yes i was. i dont know... its 12.21. you do the maths. i dont even know what time recess is.

Am now in english (or... supposed to be in english, but im in the computer labs instead cos well... im supposed to be being productive. i've written one sentence. And a heading.) and im coming to the sudden realisation that this assignment is not going to be done by friday. no way. no way in hell. i asked her for an extention. considering im baby sitting tonight and tomorrow night. yay. and she didnt exactly say yes or no. so im going to assume that that is a yes. and i now somehow have to find a way to finish this assignment by monday.

pretty much im just screwed. im going to fail everything. if i fail the rest of this year that means i fail six subjects. ive already failed one. that means i'll have failed seven. which means that i'll fail my sace. which means i cant go to uni. i probably cant go to uni. i dont know what i'll do at uni anyway. i'd be an awful teacher. maybe i should just join jessie and take a bartending course and travel europe bartending and baristering... i intend to do the barister thing anyway... besides this way i wouldnt have to come back in time for uni to start.

the only thing keeping me would be missing him............ but maybe he could come with me. for a while anyway... i want to go. i want to travel. i want to see the world.

but then again i dont. im scared of going anywhere alone. how could i go travelling alone...? i cant. -sigh- maybe i should go with jessie... maybe i should go.. and come back with her in time for uni to start again.

you know part of me doesnt know why i want kids, or why i want to teach. im going to be an awful teacher. im going to be a worse mother.

you know reading over this post im thinking about how trivial the stuff im talking about is. theres all this shit going on, and yet for some reason i cant bring myself to talk about it, like talking about it will bring it into the open, make it real. and so instead im focusing on all of this trivial crap. like failing. and things that havent happened. and things that wont happen.

instead of talking about what has happen.

if i push it down enough maybe it will go away. maybe i can pretend there is nothing. maybe i can convince myself the way that i convince other people.

you know what i was remembering? a few years ago. when i thought i had problems. i didnt have problems. i thought i did. but i didnt. i had no idea. i remember when i thought it was really bad, and i...l cant even explain it... but i needed to make myself feel something. i needed to make myself feel pain. and so i wore hairties. you all saw/knew about/stole from me at various times the one on my wrist... but what none of you knew was that i used to wear them all the way up my arm. a hairtie every 3 or 4 centimetres. slowly but surely cutting off the circulation to my arms.

back when i thought i had problems. if i only knew... i suppose the difference between then and now is that im better at coping. i mean thats not to say im not on the edge right now... but... im coping better than i was then...

anyway... enough of my ranting. sorry about the long post. im impressed with anyone who actually got all the way to the end. bravo. you must be bored by now. sorry.
-24 days-


shootingatspiders said...

who is this jessie character? you're coming barista-ing with me!!! lol

♥ Cinderella ♥ said...

yeah, baristaring with you and bartending with jessie. lol.

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