Saturday, January 31, 2009

no matter where you are, you're my guiding star...

im sorry im hurting you. I'm sorry for it all. I'm sorry that everything I do brings pain. Not just to you, but to so many people.

I'm sorry.

What if things can never change? What if they always need to be a certain way and things can't happen like we would like? What if it has to be this way forever?

What if life is this way for a reason? And nothing ever gets better? Or changes? Or goes our way?

What if the greatest force in the universe is against everything we've all dreamed?

What if things do change? But not the way you want it to?

What if they change in a completely different way to how i want or you want or he wants or they want?

What if you're happy? Well... I'll be happy for you...

But that will be hard...

What if you change your mind?

What if we should just stop trying?

What if this works?

what if i love you...?

and from the very first moment i saw you i never felt such emotion...

i just got the new windows live messenger. its so pretty.

Okay, so I know that I have no room in me right now for guys or love or anything of the sort. Because well... its all too complicated.

Teeheehee I bought the Home And Away Magazine.

~is excited~

Can I borrow $25?

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'

DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.

SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'

DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the man said angrily.

SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'

DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'

SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'

The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard every day for such childish frivolity's.'

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often

The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.'

No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.

'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'The little boy sat straight up, smiling.

'Oh, thank you daddy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.

'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours...

But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

hold me in your arms, dont let me go, i want to stay forever...

Cos I don't know what to say. And I don't know if it's right to tell you that. And I don't know if you really want to hear it. It amazes me. It really does. I always knew you were strong, you've always been way stronger than me, I'm sure almost everyone in the world knows that. But... I don't know. Is this too much for you?

How honest are you really being with me? How straight are you being with me? Cos... I don't want to hurt you. And I don't want you to think you're hurting me. You're my best friend (well, one of a few). And no matter what happens with us I will love you. Always and forever. But...

No. Not 'but'ing. Not today. Well... Not right now, we can save that for later.

It's just that I am truely sorry.

You can talk to me. And regardless of anything else I do want to hear it. I still want to hear it all.

The only thing is that it hurt me. Not this, not now, not what we said... even though it still hurts like hell, even though the other thing still hurts like hell... Even though everything that has changed...

But I can't even think about it. I can't even talk about it.

Not now, and not today. Not in the near future. And maybe not ever. Maybe none of them will ever find out. Maybe only one of the people who will ever read this will ever know. Because you will read this. But maybe none of the rest of them will ever really know.

But maybe one day... Maybe one day I can try and explain...

Maybe one day, someone will listen.

Maybe one day, things will change.

Friday, January 30, 2009

what a beautiful mess this is, its like picking up trash in dresses...

nothing's going to change waiting for yesterday...

My name is Leisha. Well, Leisha Nicole. But really, who actually uses their middle names? Well, I guess some people do... But anyway, that's not the point. I'm sixteen years old and I am in year 11. And... Well, in short that's all that there really is to know about me.

I am rather boring.

School. Hmm... Well, my only thoughts on that matter over the past week have pretty much been something along the lines of 'Omg it's so hot. I so don't want to goooooooooo....' as i have pointed out multiple times. Then again, everyone agrees with me so... yeah lol.

But my classes are pretty good. And Lauren and I are skilled enough to be in six out of our seven subjects together, the only real difference being that where I have English, she has photography (she did yr 11 english last year). But aside from that, we're together in all our lessons.

Which involve, two different food subjects (food technology and food and catering), as well as Modern History, Legal studies, Yr 12 Psychology and supervised study (yay! not...).

Modern History has been good so far. Mr Clark is a really interesting teacher, he has heaps of stories to tell and spends most of our lessons (of the two we've had so far lol) talking. Besides, he says we can eat in his class so long as we don't eat chips or pies (cos they'll make him hungry lol). Like seriously today, we're talking about slavery and human rights and hanging people, and he just reaches into his desk drawer and starts eating banana chips. And nuts and such. Besides, we get to study hippies. WOOT! (Yes I know that means Want One Of Those, and no I do not want a hippy, lol, im just excited lol)

Also, somehow he just gets onto the weirdest tangents. For instance today we were discussing hanging people as i said, and it was pretty feral, Mr Clark sure didn't spare us any details. And then, for some reason he randomly starts talking about deoderant ads. And in his exact words 'Seriously, they spray deoderant and five seconds later everyone is getting laid.' Pause for whole class to laugh/be astonished that this just came out of his mouth. 'Now, I always wear deoderant and nobody ever jumps me from the shadows... At least not in the past forty years...'

Yeah, Mr Clark is random and rather funny. But Modern History is so far an enjoyable lesson.

Legal Studies has also been heaps good. We have Mr Tiede who has been my sose teahcer in both year eight and ten. And he is a heaps good teacher, we like love Mr Tiede. So far, Legal has been interesting. We've already learnt a fair bit. And we've only had like two lessons lol. But we have text books... And they're heavy... ~cries~ Lol, oh well. I'm really looking forward to this one though. Legal should be interesting and I'm actually looking forward to being in that class.

Actually... I'm kinda looking forward to it all.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

two weeks...

forever and ever is a very long time...
I want to call your name, forever...
And you will always answer, forever...
Both of us will be
Forever, you and me...
Forever and ever...
I want to stay like this, forever...
if only i could promise forever...
Then we will always be
Forever, you and me...
Forever and ever...

Ahh... Children's movies... Depressing stuff...


I need you to come here and find me
'Cos without you I'm totally lost
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn't done much good so far
I can only dream of you
Wherever you are

~cries again~

Another day in the sun...

Oh and when I say that, I mean in the sun.

It is soooooooo hot.

I'm serious. Enough about the stupid brain wave... er not brain wave, heatwave. Enough about the stupid heat wave in Melbourne, we've had record breaking temperatures. Last night was the hottest night Adelaide has ever had. And I'll have you know I spent the whole time... well almost all of it aside from the couple of minutes here or there that i actually slept. but i spent the whole time thinking about you.

That wasn't my point though, so you can all just ignore that. My point was, it is hot. So insanely hot. We're had temperatures of above 45 degrees. Like omg hot.

And I don't like the heat, it makes me cranky. More cranky than usual. cranky with you, definitely cranky with you but you know that this is that time of year for me to get cranky with you cos you do stupid things at this time of year... And you, i truely am sorry for getting cranky with... It just sucks. And i am sorry to you that i have been so cranky and probably annoying, because you don't need it. Nor do you actually deserve it.

The weather is annoying.

Hence, I love winter. Or spring. Or autumn. But not summer.

Not summer.

The soundtrack to my world

And I can't take it,
What am I waiting for?
My heart's still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could before...

Ah, music.... Don't we just love it? Always a song for every moment. A song to skip past as we scream (or i do anyway) 'No! Not you! I can't deal with you today!' and just keep right on skipping until i find a song that i can bear to listen to. Generally, one that doesn't remind me of you. Although, songs that remind me of you are infinately worse.

Songs that remind me of you... Hmm... Where to begin? Well, its just about everything I own. Music I loved before, I cant stand to listen to anymore because even though you are always on my mind, the music just... forces me to think about you even more than usual.

Maybe we're all that we needed
Two wrongs don't make a right
But I don't care tonight
Maybe we're all that we needed


cos baby im not alright when you're gone
I'm not fine
Please be all mine
I never want you to go because
I am all yours
So please be all mine...

It frustrates me, the fact that I cannot listen to half the music on my iPod because of you and a fair amount of what's left because of you. And of all of that music, off the top of my head I can only think of two or three of those songs. And yet, the amount of times i've thrown my iPod, hissed at my iPod or screamed at my iPod, and all of those who are around me when this happens... is so not funny.

Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head...

Welcome to my life

As those of you who have been following my old blog will realise, the blog "singin' in the rain cos i got my umbrella and my dancin' shoes" has been deleted. ~cries~ I'm not sure how, seeing as it was there this morning and gone tonight. However, i do suck with computers lol. So it really shouldn't be that surprising for most of you.

Thats just how skilled I am.

Anyway, new blog, new year, new me... well kinda.

I have no choice but to change this year. Everything in my life has changed. And so have i.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Your towel has a dog face.

Your arguement is in valid.

omg ice coffee!!!!!

Lauren gave me ice coffee.

And not just like Farmers Union or whatever. we made it. and oh my gosh it tastes so good.

I'm like, completely hyperactive. and yet not at the same time. I feel sooooo lethargic. Its too hot for anything. I was wet and now im dry. Just like that. Cos of the pool. And the heat.

Oh and i have a big mouth. Things have a tendancy of slipping out when i dont want them to.


feeling hot hot hot

Oh. My. Gosh.

It is so hot.

And they're going on about how theres a heat wave in Victoria! It's not even hot there, its only 41. i would KILL for 41. and for the rest of the week its like 30. how exactly is that a heatwave? im like... Going to die.

I hate summer.

Then again im at lauren's and she has a pool. so, as long as i can be here its not so bad. lol. but its still hot when youre not in the pool.

You know we have every class except one together this semester. its so great lol. i love it.

Because i'm like scared of the mainstream kids in our year. theyre not exactly bright and it gets frustrating.

going back in pool yay

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

And now i'm worried about you.

cos you disappeared an hour ago and you haven't come back.

You're just talking to your mum. I know that. But... I'm not sure... It just... sounded serious.

So either something is wrong, or you're explaining certain things. And either way that is maybe bad.

Well, if something is wrong, then it is definitely bad news.

And if not then i guess it all depends on how the aforementioned certain things are taken.

Well... I guess good luck...

I just have this sinking feeling in my stomach, that if this doesn't go bad, something else is about to.

Then again, maybe I'm just weird.

...yeah, i'm crazy...

Alright, so evidently there is something wrong with me... =S

I'm sorry for that sudden outburst. And every other sudden outburst i have had, and will have.

And I truely am sorry. But, you say that it will go away, and that it's not going to hurt this much for the rest of my life. And I know that. I do know that.

But it hasn't gone away. It's not gone, its there. And i have to wake up every day and remember that. I have to deal with that every single day. I have to deal with not only my own hurt, but also knowing that I am hurting other people as well with my actions.

I know that it will go away, but it hasn't even been two weeks yet. And yet for some reason everyone expects me to be fine.

I know that I seem different. At least a little. Happier. And guess what, i really am. And i am trying to stay that way. But that's not the product of this.

The product of this, is pain and misery to both of us.

But just because I seem happier, just because I am happier, and just because im trying to be happier, doesn't mean that everything is okay. Everything is not okay.

Nobody seems to realise (well aside from Lauren i think and branden maybe) that this is still painful for me, even if im no showing that to the whole freaking world. Guess what? I'm trying to be the strong one for once in my life. But i'm failing. And i know that I'm failing. But I have to try. I have to try and keep a brave face. Because I cannot deal with my own pain right now. I can't deal with your pain or yours and i really hope you realise that your pain is way too much for me right now... But, I will try and handle it. Because I always do. Because I am me, and that is what I do.

But it's hasn't even been two weeks. Give me time........

...yeah, i'm crazy...

Alright, so evidently there is something wrong with me... =S

I'm sorry for that sudden outburst. And every other sudden outburst i have had, and will have.

And I truely am sorry. But, you say that it will go away, and that it's not going to hurt this much for the rest of my life. And I know that. I do know that.

But it hasn't gone away. It's not gone, its there. And i have to wake up every day and remember that. I have to deal with that every single day. I have to deal with not only my own hurt, but also knowing that I am hurting other people as well with my actions.

I know that it will go away, but it hasn't even been two weeks yet. And yet for some reason everyone expects me to be fine.

I know that I seem different. At least a little. Happier. And guess what, i really am. And i am trying to stay that way. But that's not the product of this.

The product of this, is pain and misery to both of us.

But just because I seem happier, just because I am happier, and just because im trying to be happier, doesn't mean that everything is okay. Everything is not okay.

Nobody seems to realise (well aside from Lauren i think and branden maybe) that this is still painful for me, even if im no showing that to the whole freaking world. Guess what? I'm trying to be the strong one for once in my life. But i'm failing. And i know that I'm failing. But I have to try. I have to try and keep a brave face. Because I cannot deal with my own pain right now. I can't deal with your pain or yours and i really hope you realise that your pain is way too much for me right now... But, I will try and handle it. Because I always do. Because I am me, and that is what I do.

But it's hasn't even been two weeks. Give me time........

Let's get something straight...

Okay, lets get something straight here.

I am not pregnant.

That is not the reason for us breaking up. Okay? I am not. And I will not be. Until well after I'm married. I swear on my own life that unless my kid was the immaculate conception, there is no possibility of me being pregnant now. Or before I get married. It's not going to happen.

And anyone who knows me properly, knows that that is true.

I mean no offense to anybody in saying this, but I am not that sort of girl. If you all want to be sluts and end up pregnant, feel free. But I'm not. Okay?


cos baby im not alright when youre gone, im not fine, please be all mine...

Its amazing the amount of songs i cannot bring myself to listen to anymore.

Lyrics that I used to love now cut into me like a thousand razor sharp knives, leaving me bleeding in pieces on the floor.

Songs that once were my heart and soul are now too painful to listen to.

And I wish they weren't.

Then again maybe there is just some music i should avoid.

The Green Quiz Lol

Well, you’re supposed to type in green the things you’ve done so readers can find out how you've led an awesome life so far.Here's what I have done in green...(I still have a lot of living to do!!).

What are you waiting for, copy and paste this onto your blog.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (well, sung in one anyway lol)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain. MT OGGIE! lol
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort...
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run (I did it on the Wii!)
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (the amount it takes to see a movie or go out with friends and such is all i need lol)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris...
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud...
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter,
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar... YUCK
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (and it wasnt my own either)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life...
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

Monday, January 26, 2009

but its not alright is it?

If it were alright, it wouldn't be like this.

If it were alright, everything would be the way it was supposed to be.

If it were alright, this would never have happened.

If it were alright, this wouldn't be so hard.

If I were alright, I wouldn't be this weak...

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Or maybe cos we're so sad. As of Friday night BWO for 09 is officially over. ='(
Its kinda funny. After big week out, whenever someone has said 'why?' in the past 48 hoursish... i always seem to respond by screaming 'COS WE'RE SO HAPPY!' I guess thats what you get for singing the happy song multiple times lol.
Friday at bwo was great. We had a mini service in the morning, followed by small groups followed by the end of that service followed by lunch. After lunch we headed out to our various events, this time in big groups rather than small ones, as most of us were going to one of a few schools and they were huge jobs.
My group for friday was awesome (sorry those of you who werent there, youre all awesome too :P). Myself, Simone, Lauren, Ben and this guy we met whose name was Ryan (he likes Jane Austen and he is totally awesome just in case youre interested), and occassionally Joel. We were painting toilets lol. Which may not sound fun. But was sooooooo much fun.
Hanging out, getting green paint all over our bwo shirts and (in my case anyway) daggy pants (sorry to lauren whose pants were new =P) not to mention the war paint we all ended up with on our faces, the crosses painted onto our arms and the various other paint that was just EVERYWHERE! (it took forever to get it all out of my hair)
And singing. Loudly. And badly. And annoyingly. It was fun. lol.
Before heading back to base for another service, during which we were invited to share what the week had meant for us, how it had affected us. It was great hearing from other people what this week had meant for them, people i'd known for a long time, or those i was just getting to know through the course of the week.
We had dinner, pie floaters. Which for those of you who dont know, is a meat pie in pea soup topped with tomato sauce. Yeah, just the thought of such an awful combination makes me feel sick. So i opted just for the pie, on account of the fact that i'm a rather an unadventurous person lol. It takes me forever to work up the courage to try something new, as some of you know all too well.
We then had an end of week party. Which was fun. Seeing as aside from when they played a good song, we mostly stayed outside. And hung out with a whole bunch of people who we had met over the course of the week. Lol, Joel and I were standing in front of the play ground, were ben sat on the tubey thing in the middle surrounded by everyone (all his minions, groupies, admirers, and various other followers =P). And Joel and I are just standing there talking, looking up whenever someone says something. And its so funny, Joel just going on and on about how he has an awkward veiw. It took me ages to work out what he meant, as every time he looked up, he came face to face with a rather... err... interesting veiw of Ben. If you catch my drift.
Anyway, it was a pretty great night. And keeping the smile of any of our faces would have been a pretty hard task.
Oh, and one more thing, Leader Ben dancing to Barbie Girl. One of the funniest things i've ever seen. lol.
Leish xox
--we must go stepping forward keep us from just singing move us into action we must go--

Thursday, January 22, 2009

i turn my face towards the sky and the raindrops mix with the tears i cry...

It's been a week, and I still don't feel like it's real. Like this is really happening. Because even after a week, and even after trying to convince myself that it's happening, I don't know how much I really believe it.

Even after everything that has happened in the past week, how different I am in just a week... I still miss him, more than I should. Even though I can't keep the effortless smile off my face, I still feel miserable, at the same time as being ecstatically happy.

It's been a week.

A whole week since all of this happened.

And I miss him... Even though I shouldn't. Not this much. I did this. Not him. I'm the one who made this happen. Not him.

I just... shouldn't miss him this much...

I just shouldn't.

Leish xox

the one thing you're planning to hold will be the on thing you have to let go of

its HEAPS GOOD eh?

I'm so... I don't know. 'Happy' isn't the right word. It doesn't express either the depth of despair or the ultimate joy that I feel.

Big Week Out.

Big Week Out has been my saving grace this week. An opportunity to get together with a bunch of kids about our age, all from various different churches and worship and serve God. And I know, you're all thinking it sounds lame. But, for me, this week has been an amazing experience, and one that I desperately needed.

A break from every day life, just to spend a week with God, and other Christians all of whom want to share your joys and your pains, your experiences and reall, your life. People I met three days ago, are now close friends. Friends who have shared, and will continue to share an amazing part of my life, and the lives of those around me.

BWO started on Monday night. At 5pm a whole bunch of us got together at Marion Church of Christ to have a bit of a get-to-know-you night. Well, sort of. We had a service, and worship, and then got into our small groups, which were the small groups we have found ourselves in after each service for the remainder of the week so far, in order to discuss the sermon.

Monday night, James spoke to us. James was talking about how we all have dreams in life. And how God has dreams for each of us. And how they don't always match up. What could I say? 'Story of my Life'. But, it was a really great message in the end. The message of our "Brand New Dream" or so to speak, and of how things work out for the best when we are following God's Plan for our life, rather than muddling along on our own.

Tuesday was the first official day of service. Again we met at Marion CC, this time at about 10 am, for another worship service. This time Kate was speaking. She was talking about how we can have faith as small as a mustard seed and still be able to do huge amazing things.

Tuesday afternoon, myself, simone, one of our leaders - Kristen, another leader - Lincoln, Josh, Hayden and a bunch of other people, went to the house of a 25 year old couple. In the car on the way there, Kristen explained to us that both Jane and Aaron have Cerebal Palsy. In their case, they both have incredibly fluent speach however they have very limited ability to move their body.

We arrived at their house and as they were not home yet, let ourselves into the backyard and got straight to work. Not long later, Jane arrived home and a bunch of us went to help out inside. There was just so much to do. And this, was probably one of the best experiences of my week so far. Jane and her service dog, Holly, explained to us the things that needed to be done and sat and talked to us as we worked.

So many things that we were doing were as simple and basic as sweeping, vaccuuming, washing dishes, dusting and cleaning their bathroom. As Holly is a service dog, she is a Labrodour and there was dog fur EVERYWHERE. For instance, as a couple of the girls attemted to clean the bathroom, they discovered that they could not remove the dog hair from the walls, as the people who had painted it had not bothered to clean the fur off before painting.

Jane and Aaron get six hours of proffessional care each day. The paint and fur thing, is just one example of how that is just not enough. And I suppose it isnt even really the fault of the people who care for them, as they all help out for about an hour each day. and that cannot be long enough to do all that needs to be done.

Simone and I had the job of cleaning out their crockery cabnets and wiping all the dirt and dust out. However, we discovered that a lot of their plates and bowls and mugs and such were filthy. Looking at them I just thought, 'I wouldn't want to have to eat off these'. So basically we spent hours going through all three cupboards, wiping them out properly and washing everything.

It was great to help them out though, and we've had teams going back to their house each day this week to continue work on their backyard.

One of the most amazing things about that day was sitting there, in the kitchen talking to Jane when we were on our break. She just sounded completely amazed and overwhelmed and she just said 'I've never had this many people working in my house before, caring enough to do this.' and she seemed completely amazed that of anyone who could have volunteered to help her out, that it was us, a bunch of teenagers. And even more so, the fact that we were paying money to clean for her was completely overwhelming for her.

Wednesday, we began again at 10 am at Marion. And my activity for the day was clowning down at Mosely Square at Glenelg. Me and Joel were in a group with Amanda and another girl called steph. Our leader was Ian (he spoke today, but i'll get to that soon) and we had such an awesome time. It was so much fun, just the group of us standing around in Mosely Square making balloon animals and swords and things for little kids and trying to explain to their parents why the hell a bunch of teenagers are paying to spend the last week of our holidays doing community service stuff.

As stupid as it was for us, Lauren, Simone and I decided to hang out at Lauren's place and go in her pool afterwards. And the stupid part? Sleepover.

LOL. Hanging out im Lauren's pool, bitching about people and things and life in general before calling our 'rents, and opting to sleepover. At 9.30ish we started watching Summer Heights High, of which neither Simone nor I had seen any of. It was so funny lol. But we watched the entire season so it wasnt over until like 1.30ish. And then we had to be up by 7 in order to be at our school by 8.30ish.

Suffice it to say, the ice coffee/tea/V beforehand was incredibly INCREDIBLY necessary for us to stay awake during the duration of the day.

We had to be at school in order to serve our teachers morning tea on their first day back. And again, they were rather amazed and impressed that we had opted to pay to spend the last week of our holidays participating in community service, and most of those that we know were actually rather proud of us for it.

Somehow, we still made it to the church by 10am, in time for the service today. Ian was talking about how we're on a boat. Well, Jesus is on the boat, and if we want to follow Jesus, then we have to get on the boat too. I don't really know how to explain what he was saying, but it was just a massively powerful talk. And it really worked with me. I'd spent my life on this 'boat', but a little while ago, i'd decided it was time to jump off. That the 'boat' wasn't where i really wanted to be. I wanted to be elsewhere. And to be honest, I still want to be elsewhere a bit... But today, i 'climbed back on to the boat' so to speak. I mean I guess I've been back on the boat for a while, but today, i promised myself, and God, that that is where I will stay.

So looking forward to tomorrow, although I'm also not because its our last day :'(

So that shall be sad, yes it shall. And it's going to be so weird going back to normal everyday life.

Anyway... Finishing this now lol cos its excessively long.

Leish xox

we lose our footing but still try to stand

Monday, January 19, 2009

my internal war of heart and soul...

I miss him. So shouldnt say that, or much of what i have said on here, cos he is going to find it eventually. and read it eventually. He will...

But I miss him...

I wish I didn't. Although I'm not surprised that I do. This was never going to be easy.

BWO (big week out) started tonight. YAY! only proving that essentially this was the right choice for me. In a battle of heart and soul your soul has to win out in the end. Yeah i know i sound like either a stupid religious fanatic or a teenager in love. Or probably a combination of both. Well, i'm not sure what is true anymore.

Its been a huge day and im exhuasted, i might get back to this later. For now im just hoping that sleep will come tonight, as it has opted not to for the past week or so.

Rather hyped up,

Leish xox

Saturday, January 17, 2009

trying not to cry anymore...

One of the things that hurts the most though, is that I can't just curl up in his arms anymore I can't just talk to him about everything anymore...

But more than that... I can't tell him I love him.

Even though I do.

I can't tell him that I love him. And knowing that I cant do that... It really hurts...

Leish xox
--well shes not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention cos thats just ridiculously odd--

stick your nose into your own business and leave me alone...

Don't you hate when people just want to tell you how right they are and how wrong you are?

Like it doesn't even matter what you're talking about. That always HAVE to be right. Always have to make their unwanted veiws and opinions heard and known.

Well, guess what? I'm being a cranky pain in the arse. I know that. But I am in pain. I am in physical pain at having done what I have done to one of the people I love the most in the past few days. I am in physical pain. I am in emotional pain. And I am exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally... every other way i can be.

And I am causing pain.

And the fact that I am causing that pain, is causing me even more pain.

Well, guess what? I don't want your opinion!

If all you have to say is 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You guys were so great for each other!' Well, believe it or not... I already know that. I'm fully well aware that we were. But we weren't at the same time.

If what you want to say is 'But there isn't anybody else but you for him. There couldn't be a better girl for him. No. There isn't. There can't be. Anyone around you guys can see that there is noone else for either of you.' Guess what, it doesn't help. We both thought the same thing okay? Believe me, I know that I'll never find another guy like him. But I don't want to hear it. It doesn't help

If you want to say 'Oh that's terrible. How are you coping...?' Feel free. Although I don't know what I'll answer. In truth, I'm not coping. Although, I don't want him to know that. Although i'm trying, I don't think i'm doing that good of a job. Nobody appears to be fooled...

Maybe I should just stop trying to fool people. I cant do it anyway, so why bother trying?

Leish xox
--well shes not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention cos thats just ridiculously odd--

laughter doesnt express the depth of my pain...

I should have known. I should have known that this would just end in pain. And I shouldn't have gone there.

I'm slowly starting to agree with what he said just before we started going out. I should have said enough was enough when it was just the theory. Like he said 'the theory was better, because we weren't really sure. whereas now we're probably leaning more strongly one way than the other.' This whole thing should have stopped with the theory. This should have been no more than a stupid little fantasy that could never come true.

Then again, its been twenty amazing months...

You know what sucks though? Firstly, how much i miss him. It just... wont go away. as much as i wish it would... Secondly, the fact that i still love him, insanely so and if i didnt have such a strong conviction from God to stay out of that relationship in that way, then i would easily cave... Because in truth that is where i want to be, where i wish i was and where i know i cant be. and thirdly, my subconsious doesnt want to differentiate between what is happening, what has happened and what i wish was happening... So while we may be broken up, he's still in my dreams every night. regardless...

Part of me wants to say i wish that I wasn't in love with him, but I am. And I have been. Part of me wishes I wasn't. But a bigger part of me wishes that i was allowed to love him. I mean I broke up with him. It's okay for him to still love me... But shouldnt I not love him? seeing as I ended it and all...

The hugest part of me wants to just be back in his arms...

I noticed, yesterday when me and louise said goodbye to him at the bus stop... That i hugged him first as usual, and while it wasnt exactly a short hug, i forced myself to pull away reasonably quickly... And then stood there while louise gave him a really long hug... And then since i normally demand last hug, i almost went back for another one, and he seemed to be waiting for me to hug him again... But I sort of just froze... Everyone was watching me (or maybe that was just me imagination) to see what i would do... And I know it doesnt seem like a big deal to all of you lot... But... Its different. And regardless of whether I want to, I can't always claim last hug anymore. I can't claim anything anymore...

Leish xox
--well shes not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention cos thats just ridiculously odd--

I will not. I cannot.

I had to hurt him once. I had to be the one to break him.

And that hurt. That... there are no words to explain how much that hurt.

I had to hurt him. And it was me who had to be the one to bring him pain. And to squash as much hope as i could.

That is why I cannot go back.

Because I will not let myself do that to him again.

I will not be the one to hurt him again.

I couldn't live with myself if I brought him anymore pain.

And Winnie The Pooh's Grand Adventure sucks.

Those sweet little songs hurt too much when the guy you broke up with yesterday (still cant say the word...) is sitting right next to you, trying to discuss exactly what is going on.

Especially when you know, that every word that is coming out of your mouth is causing him pain.

And when two of your best friends sit across from you being insanely concerned about something that you had to do.

I'm sorry if that sounds offensive guys, and I do appreciate everything you've both done for me. And for him. But we needed a chance to talk this over. So if we were a little too close, its because its rather hard to have a private conversation when you have two people watching you with overly concerned looks on their faces. I love you both. But, we needed to talk it through.

I don't want to hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him in the first place. But now that that is done, I will not be the one to break him again. I cannot do that.

Leish xox

--well shes not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention cos thats just ridiculously odd--

I made this mess, I built this fire...

It's done. Thursday. It was done thursday. And I miss him. I feel like I shouldn't. And I know that I hurt him. But at least I know from spending yesterday afternoon basically talking things over with him that he can and will forgive me. That I haven't lost one of my best friends.

You want to know the two things that hurt the most?

Well, probably not. But I'm going to tell you anyway.

Firstly, When I did it. When I broke up with him, and he kept looking over to see my face. To see if I was alright and I so didn't deserve that. But that's not even it. He wanted to know if there was any chance. And I simply said, 'I don't know. Not likely. At all.' And he looked so hurt. Only when he didn't think I was looking. It was kind of annoying actually, he stayed completely blank faced when I was looking. But the second he thought I'd looked away, he just... Looked so hurt. And what he said to me next... Hurt. It hurt like hell. Because it was so like him. And It was something I did not deserve. Not after hurting him so badly. And because I knew that at this point in time there is no way that i can take him up on it. Let alone ever. He just forced a smile, looked at me, and said, 'I just want you to know that if you ever want to, we can forget this ever happened and go back to the way things were.The way we both wish they could be. We could just forget this whole thing ever happened.' And i just... knew that couldn't happen. And that hurt.

More than it should have. More than I should have let it.

And secondly, well the second one was yesterday. Because I was supposed to go to Louise's with a whole bunch of them. Which turned into Lauren, Louise, myself, Branden and Alison(Louise's little sister) and Annie (her friend). Before Annie got there, the rest of us were watching 'Moulin Rouge' (stupid Lauren and her movie choices)nah just kidding i love her. But Its a movie about love. what else can i say? And also it was the movie during which i wrote the letter to Branden, in which i was breaking up with him... The movie I cried rather uncontrollably through the last time i saw it. The movie which i had to control myself through the whole time because I could feel the tears again and I didn't want to cry in front of him (not that I didn't later when we were talking anyway... But that was bad, cos he ended up comforting me and firstly he shouldnt have had to do that and secondly it probably looked like nothing has changed between us, when in fact my whole world has been turned upside down. and things make even less sense than before) because that wouldnt be fair. And then i made the mistake of looking up from where i was absentmindedly staring at a spot on the wall and coming face to face with him looking at me.

And he just sort of half-smiled and mouthed the three words that cut me deepest... 'I miss you' And... It just... hurt. The tears the were well hidden just seconds before were now coming to my eyes. So I mouthed back, 'I'm sorry' and picked up my empty glass and went to the kitchen to 'get a drink' which translates to cry my eyes out.

I don't think I did a very good job of acting sane yesterday.

Oh, and for those of you who know about the famous Leisha Laughing Fits... And how they stopped a little under two years ago... Well, lets just say that firstly, the floor in Louise's kitchen is more comfortable than the ground at youth... And secondly, I don't even remember what was funny.

Yes, the laughing fits are back.

We had a good chance to talk though. Sort things out as much as they can be sorted out. Settle on just being good friends.

I'm not ready to lose him... So, if he still wants to be my friend... Well, I'm insanely happy at that.

Please, for those of you reading this (if anyone) who are near me often, and you see me staring off into space or looking a little miserable... or if i accidently snap at you (i will, just wait and see...) I apologise in advance. Please just forgive me for my behaviour in the coming weeks...

Love you all,

Leish xox

--shes not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention, cos thats just ridiculously odd--

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

i lie here on the ocean floor, broken castle by the shore...

There's so many things... I'm doing my best not to think about it all.

But so many things that will remind me of him. School is an unavoidable one... But my mind is in that place where it wants to avoid all things that remind me of him. Easier said than done. I'm sitting here writting this, at the computer where I've had countless conversations and emails with him. I sign into my emails and the folder of all my emails with him is right there, nestled between the emails from Ben and the emails from Deborah, staring back at me.

I'm going to have to take down half the photos in my room, because I took so many with him in them over Canberra camp. I'm going to have to get rid of the (now gross) potato he gave me 19 months ago for our one month anniversary. I'm going to have to hide all of my journals and any notes with him or the cards from my birthday and from our six month anniversary and anything else that reminds me of him. Which is hard when something as simple as water reminds me of him.

And I'm going to need to put my teddy bear somewhere I can't see it. The teddy bear he gave me for my birthday...

I'll probably never curl my hair again, or wear that black dress he liked...

All because it's too hard.

It's too hard.

Burnin' A Hole In My Pocket

No, I'm not talking about money. I haven't got any of that to burn a hole in my pocket!

I'm talking more about the letter. See, Friday is the deadline for me, the day I have to do the one thing I really don't want to do. And I know for a fact that I can't talk to him without messing i up, not saying what i want to say the way i want to say it. Besides, if I say it out loud, he can (and will) interupt me. And then, I'll get distracted and only be further away from getting to my point...

So I've written a letter. One which I will give to him, and then wait for him to read so that he may abuse me or yell at me or hate me as much as he wishes to to my face... And we can talk over anything that needs to be discussed for his sake, and I still get to say what i have to say.

But this letter... I don't know. It's pretty much what I want to say, I mean it doesn't explain how much this is hurting me to do, but I wouldn't want it to. Just like I don't want to cry, because I know him. And he WILL try and comfort me, and it's not his place to have to do that. That is not fair on him. That is up to me.

It's just, I've been having nightmares recently. For a few weeks. Now it's not the same... Before I woke up screaming, crying. Now one nightmare just fades into the next, the letter always present. The letter, driving me insane.

Its kind of weird though to think... I mean, this is it. The last time I saw a movie with him (Twilight if anyone was interested) will be the last time I'll see a movie with him maybe ever. The last time he hugged me...

That one is a touchy subject. The four guys in my life who give the best hugs... And now, after this... Only one of them is still around to give those amazing hugs. And i'm losing the best one yet. And if he never forgives me, which would be perfectly understandable... Then I'm never going to hug him ever again. And even if he does forgive me, I somehow doubt that I'll still get long comforting hugs from him, even though he gave me those when we were friends before hand, i doubt that will continue.

And really, that will be one of the things I'll miss most.

And having coffee and talking... and... Just, being able to tell him everything.

And knowing that he'll be there for me...

And love me...

And the miserable truth of it all is that I don't want to do this so much that it's leading me once more into doubt of God. Of course, I will do this. Because God said to. And even if I doubt right now that it will work out in the end... Well, all I have going for me is my faith. My faith that everything will work out fine. Better than fine.

He will be happy, he will find the right girl for him (the girl that I can't be, no matter how much i wish I could).

And maybe somewhere out there, there is the right guy for me too.

Much love and lollypops,

Leish xox

--how did we get here when i used to know you so well--

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Hiya guys,

To anyone who is reading this, I need to ask you a little favour.

That little favour is that you pray for me. Pray for the strength and conviction to do what has to be done in the most compassionate way possible. And also that you pray for the courage and wisdom to be able to move past it and keep living life. To be content with the way things are rather than always wishing for more.

And there is one more thing I must ask you to pray for but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Last year, I spent a lot of time lying to myself and to the people around me. When I say this, don’t immediately think ‘oh my gosh everything she said to me last year was a lie!’ because it wasn’t like that. It was more that spiritually I was not okay. Well, I was and I wasn’t. Towards the end of the year especially, me and God just went down hill. And that was tugging me and my life more and more downhill. I knew it was happening, but I was just too caught up in the things I wanted but knew that maybe God didn’t like so much.

I let things get in the way of me and God and I let myself do a few things I’m not terribly proud of. Before you freak out on me, it’s nothing that bad, I’m not having sex, doing drugs, of anything like that. Just snapping at people, and having a generally bad attitude and I’m not proud of the way that I’ve treated people in general.

And while I can’t pass the blame for this off onto someone else, I can however say that I know that if I’d stayed on the same page with god, rather than slipping away from him, then my life would not be half as complicated.

I think the turning point for me was when one of my close friends said something along the lines of ‘I don’t know who you really are anymore Leish. Take a good look at yourself, and get praying girlie.’ I needed that. I started praying again.

Prayer. It’s a wondrous thing isn’t it? It’s beautiful yet heartbreaking at the same time. And it was just… amazing to find myself coming back to a point where I’m closer to God again in the past few weeks.

However, the down side for me has been that God has asked me to do something. He has asked me to do one of the very things I thought he’d want me to do when I’d first started slipping. I slipped away from God, because I knew that things weren’t right. And because I didn’t want to do, what God said.

He’s asked me in the past few weeks whether I think I’ll be able to break up with Branden. We will have been going out for 20 months on the coming Thursday, the 15th. In the past few weeks, God asked me to break things off. This week, he told me to.

I don’t feel that I have a choice anymore. Not really. Of course, everything is your own choice and I suppose God has given me a choice about this… It’s just that I know that it is what’s best/ Both for him, and for me. In the long run, we will both be happier this way. I love him, insanely so.

But I don’t believe that I’m the girl for him to spend his life with, and I don’t think he’s my guy either. One day, he will meet the most beautiful, amazing girl, who will love him more than I ever could and who will be so much better for him than I am. And he will love her. He will love her more than he could love anyone or anything, and I will be happy for him.

Because maybe someday, I’ll meet the right guy for me.

I cannot express how much it hurts me to do this, but I know, and I feel that I must do it. Whether I want to or not.

But through all of this, I’m not worried about myself. After all, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. But I’m worried for him. I don’t want to hurt him in anyway, but it’s already too late for that. As much as I’m hoping he won’t hate me for doing this, I won’t blame him if he does. And from now, I will do whatever I can to not hurt him again after this. If being near me is too hard for him, if he wants me out of his life, then all he has to do is just say so, and I’ll keep my distance. As much as it will pain me to not even be his friend, I will stay away. But as long as he wants me in his life, I shall always be his friend.

I need to ask you all, to pray for me as I said before. But also, to pray for him. Because while he may not realise it now, he deserves better than me. He deserves the right girl for him. And that can’t be me anymore.

I truely believe that this is for the best, and while it makes me really sad to have to do this, the rest of me feels more free than i have been in a hell of a long time. And that's an amazing feeling.

I love you all. And thankyou all so much for being here for me. I know you all have your own life problems…

Missing you all muchly.

Lots of love,

Leish xox

--well she’s not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention cos that’s just ridiculously odd--