There's nothing romantic about death.. Grief is like the ocean, its deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night.

i forgot. i went out and had fun with my friends. while somewhere there is an ambulance with a body in it. while the girl from down the street tries to shake off the memories of coming home from school to find them. while three ambulances return to the hospital. while four marked police cars and one unmarked police car return to their various homes, their occupants shaking off the memory of the house, the scene, the crying girl, the comforting guy...

i went out and had fun... i forgot about it. while her life was being changed forever. she'll probably never set foot in that house again. she'll have to move.

there were sirens all afternoon. neighbours poking their heads out doors, peering through curtains... conveniently going for walks.

death sucks...
-13 days-

you know the problem with other people's pain? the fact that you cant fix it. you cant take it away. you cant share the burden. there is nothing, nothing, that you can do to take it away or make it better.

there is no pain like hers. and nothing that i can do to help her, to fix it, to make it better. all that i have the power to do is be there. and that makes me really sad. i wish that i could take it away, lift her burden on my own shoulders and suffer her hurt myself just so that she doesnt have to go through that.

she's going to have to live with that pain for the rest of her life. the pain of losing a child she hadn't even been given the chance to get to know yet. all because of him and what he did.

-10 days-

i'd like to believe that things get better. You know, that one day things wouldnt be quite so bad... maybe...

but maybe that is just wishful thinking.

i feel awful for the people affected by all of these tragedies... you know... the ones that happened over the weekend, today... all those that will ever happen. and thinking about how these things affects the people close to them... thinking about how death affects the people close to them... it just draws up old memories...

sorry, i probably sound selfish and like im turning other peoples problems around so that theyre all about me. thats not my intention.

im sorry. im so sorry you have to go through it. thats all....

i want to go to sleep. i can forget everything then... everything is safe when i'm asleep in his arms...

i wish...

-3 days-

death is...

i dont even know how to finish that sentence...

-3 days-

I do realise that my life is bigger than just me. I know first hand just how much another person's life can affect your life. I know that my life is about more than me, and that i can't do some things because of the affect it has on other people.

But it is my life. And if i want to follow, then i will. Besides, you aren't aiming to. Like you said, if it happens you won't care, but you aren't going out to make that happen. So unless it does, then you have nothing to worry about.

Tomorrow... Well... There's two things...

One of which, tomorrow is two years...

The other, tomorrow is three weeks...

While they're (thankfully) entirely different situations, I hope you both know that I love you, so much. And I miss you. I miss you so insanely.

Without you... Life isn't... right.