i now officially have no purpose in life...

you know up until now the only thing i've really wanted out of life is to be a good mother...

but i can see that that is not going to happen. i'm going to make an awful mother.

maybe i just wont be one.

i mean i cant even keep one bratty twelve year old child to stop screaming and crying and demanding for just an hour.

god help me if any child of mine turns out like Angel here.

but thats okay... it wont because im not having children.

because if i have children i'll just fuck them up.

i cant even keep a twelve year old brat from crying.

because she thinks that if she cries she'll get whatever she wants.

and while my parents may work that way, i dont.

so im not just going to give her whatever she wants and she cant handle that which makes her cry and scream and abuse me which in turn makes me cry.

god, im going to be the world's most awful mother...

thats it. im not having kids. not now. not ever.

...not that i intended to have kids now... but thats not the point.

im never ever having children because i will fuck them up...

what the hell am i going to do with my life now...?

--i wish i could talk to you...--

and if you stay with me, honestly it's what i want...but if you stay with me i'll only hurt you more. so won't you save yourself, by leaving me now for someone else? if i'm crying out, don't listen to it. it's only my heart... it's only my heart... but im not strong enough to say goodbye...

i suppose im greedy. i love you too much to let you go. you make me too happy for me to let you go... i need you too much to let you go...

i don't want to lose you. in fact... it's more than that.. i can't lose you... i'm incapable of living through that again...

but... i dont know...

i just dont know...


...don't leave me... please don't leave me...

she closed her eyes, letting the water wash over her, stinging as they ran over her wounds. 'Why do you do this to yourself?' he had asked. What would you say, she wondered, if i told you i don't...

Steam filled the room, clouding her vision as she slid to the floor against the wall, the water beating down on her, every part of her aching. She cried, the tears she rarely allowed to escape. 'Why won't you talk to me?' he had asked her. 'I just want to understand...'

But he couldn't. And so she didn't tell him. She didn't try to explain. She kept it all in again, trusting no one was easier. But she could no longer work that way. He was everything, he was her life... But what if, she wondered, he just doesn't understand...?

She felt the consciousness slowly slipping away her body, her vision blurring, the room spinning around her. She felt nauseous, she felt pain, she felt alone. But unconsciousness was easier than living through this moment.

She just needed to survive the night...

Sorry, I can't handle your attitude towards my friends today...

Sorry, I can't handle your negativity today...

Sorry, I can't handle sitting and listening to you talk about yourself for hours on end today...

Sorry I can't handle acting today...

Sorry, I can't handle you meddling in my life today...

Sorry, I can't handle your nosiness today...

Sorry, I can't handle being ignored today...

Sorry, I can't handle the noise today...

Sorry, I can't handle talking to you today...

Sorry, I can't handle hiding today...

Sorry, I can't handle telling you the truth today...