Tuesday, February 23, 2010

It Was So Easy and the Words So Sweet...

When you are a child, you think you are invincible. You honestly
believe that nothing bad could ever happen to you, that you are – and
always will be – safe. The only problem with this childlike innocence
is that sometimes a child needs to learn that they are not invincible,
that they truly can be harmed.

When you are a child you do not really understand Death. In my mind, I
suppose Death only came to visit extremely old people. Death wasn't
interested in the young. Suffering didn't happen until you're grown,
and old. I suppose I learnt my lesson.

I remember that day as well as if it were yesterday. I remember the
instant freeze as I got the phone call. The shiver that went down my
back and the way the goose bumps covered my skin. The immediate
knowledge that something was wrong before I'd even picked up the
phone. I remember being unable to stop shaking, despite the warmth of
the spring day. I stuttered every word I spoke, and caught only very
few words being spoken to me. 'Hospital... Not much time... Possibly
fatal...' And then she said his name. I remember whispering his name
after I hung up. His name left a sickening taste in my mouth – a warm,
sticky sensation that slid down my throat like blood slides over skin.
Even now when I say his name, I feel the same sting of pain stabbing
away in my stomach.

Until that day I was a mere child. Pain was yet to mark my life. I had
not experienced the harshness, and pain of a world grown cold.

For days following I surrounded myself with safety. My father's baggy,
warm jumper that came to just above my knees. The scarf he'd given to
me so long ago. The much loved, one-eared, pink teddy bear that my
mother had made for me when I was only little. Warm, fluffy ugg boots
that reminded me of the peace I always feel in winter when the rain
pours down outside and the whole world is cold and beautiful. I felt
cold all the time.
When I visited him, I didn't know what to say. No one would tell me
what had happened, why he was there. The only reassurance anyone would
give me was that he would wake up and everything would be alright
again. But that wasn't enough for me. Day in and day out I watched as
he lay there, machines monitoring his vitals. Nothing ever changed and
no one ever gave me any answers.

It was a nurse who accidently mentioned it. The truth that everyone
had been trying to avoid. He'd done this himself. He hadn't wanted to
wake up, so maybe he never would. Only time could tell...

Before that day I'd never really understood depression. That poisonous
blackness that invades a person's life, takes over every part of their
being. I was young, naive, innocent, and sheltered. My world had been
carefully structured in order to protect me from the pain of the
world. I wasn't supposed to understand depression. But that day I
think I truly began to understand. In my mind I pictured it as a
brilliant red rose, slowly but surely being sucked of life. The veins
throughout it turning black as the rose died, until only the tips were
left red. The stem withered, the leaves crushed. All hope gone... He
must have felt like he had no other option.

That day, I cried like I never had before. I felt pain unlike any
otherwise experienced. I felt grief for maybe the first time in my
life. When the lines on the machines went flat, the machines beeping
out their emergency call, their final goodbye, I learnt that Death
smells sweet.

Some days I wake up to find that fragrance filling the air. It's that
sickly sweet smell that I still remember all of these years later...
The smell of honey, and cherry blossoms, and Death. The same fragrance
that I remember from that day. I used to think it meant he had visited
me as I slept.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Goodbye For Today...

I'll see you again...
Sooooooo... This might be my last post for a while. Long story short, my internet has been cancelled and it will be a MINIMUM of two weeks until we can get another service. Hmm... Pass year 12 with no internet? <s>may as well kill myself now </s> yeah, sure, no worries.
So basically I'm screwed, and while I would love to keep email posting from school.... I really can't afford to at the moment. Much to Kelsey's <s>enjoyment</s> disappointment.
That being said, if I email post again in the next few weeks you'll all have the enjoyment *cough* of reading all about my annoyance.
So this is me, ciao for now. (just so you know, that sounded cooler in my head :P)
PS, Kel, I'm looking forward to reading your rant and rave blog about me so that I can comment and call you a bitch :D Love chooooooo

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Love and Fear

In response to shootingatspiders' comment on my previous blog. This is the poem to which she refered:
There are only two feelings, Love and fear:
There are only two languages, Love and fear:
There are only two activities, Love and fear:
There are only two motives, two procedures,
two frameworks, two results, Love and fear,
Love and fear.

-Michael Leuing

Sell your old one fast! Time for a new car?

the walls that i create...

can only make it seem alright...
i have so much I wish I was brave enough to share.... its like, hey, I keep this blog.. but how often am I honest except for if I'm like furious? if I'm not hideously angry about something... or upset... well then how much of this is just meaningless crap.
and how much of it do we even bother to read?
i mean.. gosh, don't we sometimes just look at it and think 'oh great, so-and-so is talking about this again' -tunes out-?
or maybe that's just me.
so anyway... here's time for me to be honest. here's time for me to (maybe...?) be slightly insightful... but i don't know. this may fail... we'll see how we go. lol.
yearly anniversaries of bad things suck.
good yearly anniversary thingos are good. but bad ones suck.
yay :D
i guess eventually you have to come to the point where you let go of things. where you let down the walls, let it out, let people in... where you make it ok. where you convince yourself that it doesn't matter.
but not just where you convince yourself it doesn't matter. where you actually get to the point where you're over it. where it truly doesn't matter anymore.
I mean of course it will hurt... but there comes a point where you have to channel grief. where you have to deal with it and get over it.
i suppose sometime you have to pick your battles. pick the ones that truly matter and let them fill you up. if you choose to be filled with grief and pain, don't you then live your life in a constant state of suffering and hurt? don't you then inject the same into the people around you, and indeed the others who care about you?
I guess eventually we all have to make that choice. is a life of misery worthwhile? can being upset and hurt bring back the ones we love? or should we instead choose to learn from their mistakes? should we learn to let go of the pain we hold onto and fill ourselves instead with love and happiness and the support from others?
if you died tomorrow, would you be happy with the way you've lived? or would you look back and wish that you'd done things differently? would you wish you'd been kinder to that person who is always mean to you? would you wish that you'd smiled more than you'd frowned? would you wish that you'd been the light in peoples' days instead of someone who tore them down? would you wish that you'd let go of your grief and instead been a happy person, who saw the good things in people rather than focusing all the time on the negatives? would you wish that you had taken chances, rather than being ruled by your fear?
how many of us live by this? how many of us don't bother? we think 'oh never mind. they don't trust me, they don't care about me, so why should I?' why should we let other people in when they do everything in their power to keep up out? why try to change the unchangeable? But maybe if we stepped up, if we tried to trust people, if we let down our defences, if we made an attempt to change the things we don't like... couldn't we make a difference?
Anyway.. I guess  I should stop attempting to be insightful now and get back to some studying... Thoughts anyone...? :S

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

there's gonna be a heartache tonight

It was a year ago today since you said that.

A whole year since you told me you need me, you love me, you trust me, you want me more than anything or anyone else.

That's not to say you haven't told me those things since... That's simply saying it was that time that broke my heart.

It was that time that left me crying in my room for hours and hours, beating myself up over what I had allowed to happen. And so I vowed never to hurt anyone that much again...

I don't even know whether I've succeeded in that or not...

I love you.

Sell your old one fast! Time for a new car?