the name of this blog has officially changed.

because this year has to be about finding myself again.

i need to find who i am again. i need to figure my life out. i need to find myself.

***

they say we leave this world the way we came into it - naked and alone.

so if we leave with nothing, what then is the measure of a life? is it defined by the people we choose to love? Or is life simply measured by our accomplishments?

or what if we fail? or are never truly loved? what then? can we ever measure up? or will the quiet desperation on a life gone by wanting. drive us mad...?

did you ever wonder is we make the moments in our life or if the moments in our life make us?

Henry James once wrote : 'be not afraid of life. believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.'

hope is a funny thing. it makes you believe that things can change. it makes you believe that things can be better. it makes you believe that the impossible is attainable. it makes you feel like you have a chance.

I was trying today, to think about you with someone else. I guess it made me cranky. Everyone pissed me off today, everyone made me feel bitter and angry and hurt. And not because they did anything to me. Because I was doing it to myself.

I will be happy for you. When you find her. Because you will.

I’m sure she’s pretty. And has a beautiful genuine smile. And is smart. And funny. And… Perfect.

She’s probably nothing like me… Which is probably a good thing.

I will be happy for you and I won’t let on how much it hurts.

And I shall do the best friend thing to do, and hug you and demand to meet her so that we can become good friends and bitch about you behind your back :P (sorry, it’s a girl thing).

But until this happens, I will always wish that things could change. And I will always wish that things had been different.

Maybe one day we will both go our separate ways, and we will both move on and be happy with someone else. But you’ll still be my best friend. And somewhere inside me, I’ll still love you. Because I don’t think that you can make it go away. I don’t think that anything could make what we have disappear. It will always be there, in some way, shape or form. Because what we have is had was too strong to lose completely. It was too strong to go away all together.

Maybe one day our paths will cross again.

Maybe one day things will be different.

Cos I don't know what to say. And I don't know if it's right to tell you that. And I don't know if you really want to hear it. It amazes me. It really does. I always knew you were strong, you've always been way stronger than me, I'm sure almost everyone in the world knows that. But... I don't know. Is this too much for you?

How honest are you really being with me? How straight are you being with me? Cos... I don't want to hurt you. And I don't want you to think you're hurting me. You're my best friend (well, one of a few). And no matter what happens with us I will love you. Always and forever. But...

No. Not 'but'ing. Not today. Well... Not right now, we can save that for later.

It's just that I am truely sorry.

You can talk to me. And regardless of anything else I do want to hear it. I still want to hear it all.

The only thing is that it hurt me. Not this, not now, not what we said... even though it still hurts like hell, even though the other thing still hurts like hell... Even though everything that has changed...

But I can't even think about it. I can't even talk about it.

Not now, and not today. Not in the near future. And maybe not ever. Maybe none of them will ever find out. Maybe only one of the people who will ever read this will ever know. Because you will read this. But maybe none of the rest of them will ever really know.

But maybe one day... Maybe one day I can try and explain...

Maybe one day, someone will listen.

Maybe one day, things will change.