I don't know what you'd all think of me...

I really don't.

Would it be the wrong thing?

But... It's not...

And i...

Would I be a hypocrite? Would you all be disappointed in me? ...Hang on, do i even care? Well... Yes, I do I guess. But... I guess i do care. I value your opinions. But, i am essentially selfish.

I know my choice. I just dont know that I will have an opportunity to make it....

They think I'm wrong. Or that I'm behaving inappropriately.

And I have no idea anymore...

She can hug any guy she likes for as long as she likes, she can hug you for as long as she likes. But me? no. No I can't. In fact, I shouldn't at all.

Or should I?

I can hug any of my other best friends. As far as i know its not against the law. So why not you? When you're maybe the most important of them all...

I'm sorry if I'm wrong... I'm sorry, cos i'm sure it hurt. Cos it hurt me, just to let go.

Old habits die hard sweetheart and its not getting any easier. We've been walking that road for so long that itsa hard to walk another. That its hard to go a different way. And its all up to me, because I know that you wouldn't object if i rolled over into your arms, you'd just wrap them around me where they used to belong and tell me that you love me, that you're glad i came back. And I know that both of us want not much more than for that to happen. But...

I don't know if i imagined it, or if you ran your fingers through my hair. Just the way you used to when i'd fall asleep.

And I don't know if it was you, or just me being stupid and imagining things in my sleep.

No one else seems to understand this whole thing with you and me... Because well... It doesn't make much sense. I love you, you love me, but we can't be together.

Seems straight forward enough...

Is painful enough. More than enough. And thats just for me. I can't even imagine how it must be for you.

And i'm sure I don't make things easier.

But I miss you.

Even when I'm right beside you.

I feel sick. Completely sick to the stomach every time I think about the fact that I might never get to curl up in your arms anymore, or fall asleep beside you, or just sit and talk the way we used to without everyone giving us weird looks.That i can't just hug you when I want to, cos everyone is so critical about it.

and its really not fair, because above it all you were my best friend. Above it all you are my best friend. And i miss you. I don't think its fair that everyone else can be so critical of us.

Well sorry, you're allowed to be best friends with him. And she is best friends with the other one. And he is still really close to her.

So why can't we?

I'm sorry... I miss you... and i hate you =P if I bruise, you die. lol.

Don't you hate when people just want to tell you how right they are and how wrong you are?

Like it doesn't even matter what you're talking about. That always HAVE to be right. Always have to make their unwanted veiws and opinions heard and known.

Well, guess what? I'm being a cranky pain in the arse. I know that. But I am in pain. I am in physical pain at having done what I have done to one of the people I love the most in the past few days. I am in physical pain. I am in emotional pain. And I am exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally... every other way i can be.

And I am causing pain.

And the fact that I am causing that pain, is causing me even more pain.

Well, guess what? I don't want your opinion!

If all you have to say is 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You guys were so great for each other!' Well, believe it or not... I already know that. I'm fully well aware that we were. But we weren't at the same time.

If what you want to say is 'But there isn't anybody else but you for him. There couldn't be a better girl for him. No. There isn't. There can't be. Anyone around you guys can see that there is noone else for either of you.' Guess what, it doesn't help. We both thought the same thing okay? Believe me, I know that I'll never find another guy like him. But I don't want to hear it. It doesn't help

If you want to say 'Oh that's terrible. How are you coping...?' Feel free. Although I don't know what I'll answer. In truth, I'm not coping. Although, I don't want him to know that. Although i'm trying, I don't think i'm doing that good of a job. Nobody appears to be fooled...

Maybe I should just stop trying to fool people. I cant do it anyway, so why bother trying?

Leish xox
--well shes not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention cos thats just ridiculously odd--