caterpillar in the tree how you wonder who you'll be, can't go far but you can always dream...

he'll be back there on tuesday... i have no idea how the hell i'm going to concentrate on my english exam thinking about it.

wednesday will either make or break.

wednesday could be the day i break.

thursday will be the day i come alive again...

i need him.

and i need wednesday so that i know that everything is okay...

i need to see her. to talk to her. to make sure she's ok...

what would it be like to be married to someone you hate? to not realise you hate him until it is too late? the fact that he doesnt work any more, he smokes more than 2 packs per day, he consumes about $10 worth of ice coffee each day, he drinks. i mean god, he's getting mouth cancer from the smoking. he has to stop. but he's abusive when he doesnt smoke or drink.

imagine knowing in the back of your mind the entire time that you didnt love him truly... imagine knowing somewhere deep down in your mind that even if you did love him, he did not love you. imagine knowing that this wasnt good for you... imagine marrying a guy because you were so unsure of yourself that you thought noone would ever want you.

it took me so long to convince him that going up there and beating the shit out of him for what he did wouldnt help. we would all love to... we would all love it if he did... god knows he deserves it. but it wont help...

she cant go back to him...

they're all falling apart. everyone is falling apart...

and i dont know how long i can help hold everyone together. i dont know how well -i- can hold -myself- together. i need wednesday. i need him to be okay. i just fucking need him to be okay. i need him to be alright... my family will fall apart completely if he is not alright... if anything goes wrong we're going to lose more than just him.

and we cant do that right now.

i need him to be okay...