Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Hiya guys,

To anyone who is reading this, I need to ask you a little favour.

That little favour is that you pray for me. Pray for the strength and conviction to do what has to be done in the most compassionate way possible. And also that you pray for the courage and wisdom to be able to move past it and keep living life. To be content with the way things are rather than always wishing for more.

And there is one more thing I must ask you to pray for but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Last year, I spent a lot of time lying to myself and to the people around me. When I say this, don’t immediately think ‘oh my gosh everything she said to me last year was a lie!’ because it wasn’t like that. It was more that spiritually I was not okay. Well, I was and I wasn’t. Towards the end of the year especially, me and God just went down hill. And that was tugging me and my life more and more downhill. I knew it was happening, but I was just too caught up in the things I wanted but knew that maybe God didn’t like so much.

I let things get in the way of me and God and I let myself do a few things I’m not terribly proud of. Before you freak out on me, it’s nothing that bad, I’m not having sex, doing drugs, of anything like that. Just snapping at people, and having a generally bad attitude and I’m not proud of the way that I’ve treated people in general.

And while I can’t pass the blame for this off onto someone else, I can however say that I know that if I’d stayed on the same page with god, rather than slipping away from him, then my life would not be half as complicated.

I think the turning point for me was when one of my close friends said something along the lines of ‘I don’t know who you really are anymore Leish. Take a good look at yourself, and get praying girlie.’ I needed that. I started praying again.

Prayer. It’s a wondrous thing isn’t it? It’s beautiful yet heartbreaking at the same time. And it was just… amazing to find myself coming back to a point where I’m closer to God again in the past few weeks.

However, the down side for me has been that God has asked me to do something. He has asked me to do one of the very things I thought he’d want me to do when I’d first started slipping. I slipped away from God, because I knew that things weren’t right. And because I didn’t want to do, what God said.

He’s asked me in the past few weeks whether I think I’ll be able to break up with Branden. We will have been going out for 20 months on the coming Thursday, the 15th. In the past few weeks, God asked me to break things off. This week, he told me to.

I don’t feel that I have a choice anymore. Not really. Of course, everything is your own choice and I suppose God has given me a choice about this… It’s just that I know that it is what’s best/ Both for him, and for me. In the long run, we will both be happier this way. I love him, insanely so.

But I don’t believe that I’m the girl for him to spend his life with, and I don’t think he’s my guy either. One day, he will meet the most beautiful, amazing girl, who will love him more than I ever could and who will be so much better for him than I am. And he will love her. He will love her more than he could love anyone or anything, and I will be happy for him.

Because maybe someday, I’ll meet the right guy for me.

I cannot express how much it hurts me to do this, but I know, and I feel that I must do it. Whether I want to or not.

But through all of this, I’m not worried about myself. After all, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. But I’m worried for him. I don’t want to hurt him in anyway, but it’s already too late for that. As much as I’m hoping he won’t hate me for doing this, I won’t blame him if he does. And from now, I will do whatever I can to not hurt him again after this. If being near me is too hard for him, if he wants me out of his life, then all he has to do is just say so, and I’ll keep my distance. As much as it will pain me to not even be his friend, I will stay away. But as long as he wants me in his life, I shall always be his friend.

I need to ask you all, to pray for me as I said before. But also, to pray for him. Because while he may not realise it now, he deserves better than me. He deserves the right girl for him. And that can’t be me anymore.

I truely believe that this is for the best, and while it makes me really sad to have to do this, the rest of me feels more free than i have been in a hell of a long time. And that's an amazing feeling.

I love you all. And thankyou all so much for being here for me. I know you all have your own life problems…

Missing you all muchly.

Lots of love,

Leish xox

--well she’s not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention cos that’s just ridiculously odd--


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