I made this mess, I built this fire...

It's done. Thursday. It was done thursday. And I miss him. I feel like I shouldn't. And I know that I hurt him. But at least I know from spending yesterday afternoon basically talking things over with him that he can and will forgive me. That I haven't lost one of my best friends.

You want to know the two things that hurt the most?

Well, probably not. But I'm going to tell you anyway.

Firstly, When I did it. When I broke up with him, and he kept looking over to see my face. To see if I was alright and I so didn't deserve that. But that's not even it. He wanted to know if there was any chance. And I simply said, 'I don't know. Not likely. At all.' And he looked so hurt. Only when he didn't think I was looking. It was kind of annoying actually, he stayed completely blank faced when I was looking. But the second he thought I'd looked away, he just... Looked so hurt. And what he said to me next... Hurt. It hurt like hell. Because it was so like him. And It was something I did not deserve. Not after hurting him so badly. And because I knew that at this point in time there is no way that i can take him up on it. Let alone ever. He just forced a smile, looked at me, and said, 'I just want you to know that if you ever want to, we can forget this ever happened and go back to the way things were.The way we both wish they could be. We could just forget this whole thing ever happened.' And i just... knew that couldn't happen. And that hurt.

More than it should have. More than I should have let it.

And secondly, well the second one was yesterday. Because I was supposed to go to Louise's with a whole bunch of them. Which turned into Lauren, Louise, myself, Branden and Alison(Louise's little sister) and Annie (her friend). Before Annie got there, the rest of us were watching 'Moulin Rouge' (stupid Lauren and her movie choices)nah just kidding i love her. But Its a movie about love. what else can i say? And also it was the movie during which i wrote the letter to Branden, in which i was breaking up with him... The movie I cried rather uncontrollably through the last time i saw it. The movie which i had to control myself through the whole time because I could feel the tears again and I didn't want to cry in front of him (not that I didn't later when we were talking anyway... But that was bad, cos he ended up comforting me and firstly he shouldnt have had to do that and secondly it probably looked like nothing has changed between us, when in fact my whole world has been turned upside down. and things make even less sense than before) because that wouldnt be fair. And then i made the mistake of looking up from where i was absentmindedly staring at a spot on the wall and coming face to face with him looking at me.

And he just sort of half-smiled and mouthed the three words that cut me deepest... 'I miss you' And... It just... hurt. The tears the were well hidden just seconds before were now coming to my eyes. So I mouthed back, 'I'm sorry' and picked up my empty glass and went to the kitchen to 'get a drink' which translates to cry my eyes out.

I don't think I did a very good job of acting sane yesterday.

Oh, and for those of you who know about the famous Leisha Laughing Fits... And how they stopped a little under two years ago... Well, lets just say that firstly, the floor in Louise's kitchen is more comfortable than the ground at youth... And secondly, I don't even remember what was funny.

Yes, the laughing fits are back.

We had a good chance to talk though. Sort things out as much as they can be sorted out. Settle on just being good friends.

I'm not ready to lose him... So, if he still wants to be my friend... Well, I'm insanely happy at that.

Please, for those of you reading this (if anyone) who are near me often, and you see me staring off into space or looking a little miserable... or if i accidently snap at you (i will, just wait and see...) I apologise in advance. Please just forgive me for my behaviour in the coming weeks...

Love you all,

Leish xox

--shes not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention, cos thats just ridiculously odd--