i lie here on the ocean floor, broken castle by the shore...

There's so many things... I'm doing my best not to think about it all.

But so many things that will remind me of him. School is an unavoidable one... But my mind is in that place where it wants to avoid all things that remind me of him. Easier said than done. I'm sitting here writting this, at the computer where I've had countless conversations and emails with him. I sign into my emails and the folder of all my emails with him is right there, nestled between the emails from Ben and the emails from Deborah, staring back at me.

I'm going to have to take down half the photos in my room, because I took so many with him in them over Canberra camp. I'm going to have to get rid of the (now gross) potato he gave me 19 months ago for our one month anniversary. I'm going to have to hide all of my journals and any notes with him or the cards from my birthday and from our six month anniversary and anything else that reminds me of him. Which is hard when something as simple as water reminds me of him.

And I'm going to need to put my teddy bear somewhere I can't see it. The teddy bear he gave me for my birthday...

I'll probably never curl my hair again, or wear that black dress he liked...

All because it's too hard.

It's too hard.