laughter doesnt express the depth of my pain...

I should have known. I should have known that this would just end in pain. And I shouldn't have gone there.

I'm slowly starting to agree with what he said just before we started going out. I should have said enough was enough when it was just the theory. Like he said 'the theory was better, because we weren't really sure. whereas now we're probably leaning more strongly one way than the other.' This whole thing should have stopped with the theory. This should have been no more than a stupid little fantasy that could never come true.

Then again, its been twenty amazing months...

You know what sucks though? Firstly, how much i miss him. It just... wont go away. as much as i wish it would... Secondly, the fact that i still love him, insanely so and if i didnt have such a strong conviction from God to stay out of that relationship in that way, then i would easily cave... Because in truth that is where i want to be, where i wish i was and where i know i cant be. and thirdly, my subconsious doesnt want to differentiate between what is happening, what has happened and what i wish was happening... So while we may be broken up, he's still in my dreams every night. regardless...

Part of me wants to say i wish that I wasn't in love with him, but I am. And I have been. Part of me wishes I wasn't. But a bigger part of me wishes that i was allowed to love him. I mean I broke up with him. It's okay for him to still love me... But shouldnt I not love him? seeing as I ended it and all...

The hugest part of me wants to just be back in his arms...

I noticed, yesterday when me and louise said goodbye to him at the bus stop... That i hugged him first as usual, and while it wasnt exactly a short hug, i forced myself to pull away reasonably quickly... And then stood there while louise gave him a really long hug... And then since i normally demand last hug, i almost went back for another one, and he seemed to be waiting for me to hug him again... But I sort of just froze... Everyone was watching me (or maybe that was just me imagination) to see what i would do... And I know it doesnt seem like a big deal to all of you lot... But... Its different. And regardless of whether I want to, I can't always claim last hug anymore. I can't claim anything anymore...

Leish xox
--well shes not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention cos thats just ridiculously odd--