let me hold you for the last time, its the last chance to feel again...

i now officially have no purpose in life...

you know up until now the only thing i've really wanted out of life is to be a good mother...

but i can see that that is not going to happen. i'm going to make an awful mother.

maybe i just wont be one.

i mean i cant even keep one bratty twelve year old child to stop screaming and crying and demanding for just an hour.

god help me if any child of mine turns out like Angel here.

but thats okay... it wont because im not having children.

because if i have children i'll just fuck them up.

i cant even keep a twelve year old brat from crying.

because she thinks that if she cries she'll get whatever she wants.

and while my parents may work that way, i dont.

so im not just going to give her whatever she wants and she cant handle that which makes her cry and scream and abuse me which in turn makes me cry.

god, im going to be the world's most awful mother...

thats it. im not having kids. not now. not ever.

...not that i intended to have kids now... but thats not the point.

im never ever having children because i will fuck them up...

what the hell am i going to do with my life now...?

--i wish i could talk to you...--