omg. em and simone i love you. Just when i'd given up all hope... I now... feel like maybe theres a chance for me yet. thankyou both so much.
I shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't be allowing myself to even consider thinking about it. Or anything, because well... I dont know... none of it matters now anyway. Just give up Leish. Just give up.
I doesn't matter, so just... forget it. You shouldn't even be letting your guard down, keeping up appearences remember? Not that saying thats going to help... it hasn't so far.
Nothing matters. Not now. Not anymore. So forget it.
i'm sorry but i dont want to hear it.
i'm sorry but i don't really care.
i'm sorry but i have enough problems of my own.
i'm sorry but i need to focus.
i'm sorry but i can't stand this anymore.
i'm sorry but i can't bear to keep up this charade.
i'm sorry but i've already slipped.
i'm sorry but i'm just going to let it get worse.
i'm sorry but i am not going to be walked all over anymore.
i'm sorry but i'm not a doormat.
You worry me. Which is bad. You're so close to selfdestructing... To hurting yourself so badly, and to hurting all of those around you. So please please promise me you'll be careful. Please. I don't want you to be hurting, and I don't want you to be miserable. I want you to be happy, and funloving like you once were... And I don't want you to go through this alone...
I love you. Truely I do.
But please, just promise me that you'll be careful.
i meant it.
You know what its like?
Its like a really bad wound. One all wrapped up in gauze and held together by stitches. You peal back the gauze just a tiny bit because you want to see if you can take it, and because being unable to see your own skin is making you feel uncomfortable...
Until eventually the gauze is pealed back completely and you can't put it back where it was anymore. The wrongness of seeing the stitches on your arm makes you scratch at them, pick at them until you're pulling them undone...
Blood is everywhere and the pain is unbearable. But you just can't stop picking at the stitches, because you didn't want that impairment. And because it didn't feel right to you, it didn't feel normal. It felt wrong. And it hurt.
But you can't stop it. You need to hurt, because maybe someday you'll stop hurting. Maybe someday the scarring will heal. But until then, you have to keep picking at the stitches, pulling yourself open again and again...
i need you to love me and i, i won't keep my heart from you this time, and i'll stop pretending that i could someday deserve what i used to have... I need you to love me...
I don't know what you'd all think of me...
I really don't.
Would it be the wrong thing?
But... It's not...
And i...
Would I be a hypocrite? Would you all be disappointed in me? ...Hang on, do i even care? Well... Yes, I do I guess. But... I guess i do care. I value your opinions. But, i am essentially selfish.
I know my choice. I just dont know that I will have an opportunity to make it....
How can I actually say what I feel without being the biggest hypocrite known to earth?
I cannot. I just... Can't.
I need you to tell me, tell me what you think. Tell me your opinion because i value it, more than i think you realise. And silence from you is killing me slowly.
I need to talk things through, and you don't seem to be there to talk to anymore. And I know this sounds a little unfair, cos you have your own life too. But I really do rely upon you more than you probably realise.
And i shouldn't.
You know, you find a glimmer of happiness... And there is always someone who wants to ruin it for you. So thanks a lot guys. Thanks heaps.
Yeah, I know. It's not my place. It's not my right. And I shouldn't say anything. I shouldn't even be thinking this.
I need to stop that. Now.
I mean, come on. Admit it. It's not helping anything is it?
From now on, you're not going to know. You won't hear it. You won't see it.
So leave me alone. Cos i've listened to you, and you've made it clear just how much you actually care. And guess what? You won't be hearing anything about me anymore. Nothing. You won't hear about this, or about the stuff with him, or about... well anything. It'll just be me, being happy from now on.
Maybe people will stop looking at me like i'm about to fall apart at the seams. I've already done that. I'm already doing that. But none of you have seen that. And none of you will see that. I can guarantee it.
I will not think about him.
I will not think about him.
I will not think about him.
I will not think about him.
I will not think about him.
I will not think about him.
I will not think about him.
I will not think about him.
I will not think about him.
I will not think about him.
Shit, who am I kidding?
You know that girl?
Yeah. That girl.
The girl who seemed unbreakable... She Broke.
The girl who seemed so strong... She Crumbled.
The girl who always laughed it off... She Cried.
The girl who would never stop trying... She Finally Gave Up.
I wonder how it feels to know you're everything I need.
I walk alone..............................
valentines day. ~sigh~ as if i didn't miss you enough.
My solution? Here. have a cookie.
You know, the funny thing is that we never really know how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing right next to somebody who is completely broken, and we wouldn't even know it.
I'm tired of trying to be strong.
And i'm tired of being fake.
To be completely honest, those of you who actually know me, have no idea just how broken i am. Of course, there is only so much i can hide. And so while you think you may be seeing everything, don't be fooled. I don't want to feel how i feel. But i do. I don't want this to hurt. But it does. I didn't want to hurt him. But i am.
And i don't want it to be this way, but it is.
And i'm tired. I'm so tired, in everyway i can be. I'm tired of being like this.
I want to go back to being me. But i can't.
Because half of me is missing.
If you find it...
Please, tell me how to get it back...
Even though i know where it is, and how to get it back... But that doesn't matter. Because it's impossible. So... if you have any suggestions.... feel free to let me know.
~sigh~ i want things back to how they were... ~cries~
how long is forever? cos i thought we might last. how long is a lifetime? cos i thought we had longer.
As sad as it probably makes me sound, i'm clinging to that part of me that believes we still have a chance.
Everywhere I look, something or someone is reminding me of the importance of love. Whether it be the countless friends who are visibly falling in love, or my daily devotions deciding to tell me that there is nothing more important, or more vital than love, and of course with stupid freaking Valentines Day on Saturday, the ads and shows and popups and whatever else is enough to drive you insane when love is the one thing you're trying to live without.
i mean, i'm happy for all of the close friends who've recently gotten it together... So, noone can say that i'm not. It's more along the lines of, i miss who i was, i miss who we were and how we were... i miss being loved and i miss loving him...
Not to say that he doesnt still love me, or that i dont still love him. Its more that... we can't show that anymore. I miss feeling loved. And i miss loving. Loving him, loving others and loving life.
Because... I don't. Well, i don't love life right now at least. Other people are too hard to stop loving, but its not the same.... And if you try getting me to give up loving him... Well, i'm afraid that there is just absolutely no way in the world that that is going to happen.
And one day i will be unable to keep this up. I can feel myself failing already. I cannot last too long like this. There is no meaning to this anymore. And there is no point.
One day, I will fail. I know that in the deepest depths of my heart. One day, I will fail.
We were strong enough that nothing could have broken us. Except what did.
But isn't that always the way it goes? Everything that is strong has a weakness... And that weakness is where it always seems to be hit.
Together we were strong. Together...
Apart we're both weak... Maybe weaker than either of has has been before...
But we're right you know? This wasn't just a stupid thing. This wasn't just a little crush. Not just a teenage romance. Not for us. For us it was so much more than that. I can't even describe it...
I loved you more than myself, more than my life, more than anyone or anything. More than i even thought it was possible to love anyone...
And i would still end my days with you in a hail of bullets....
Or at the very least that i was over it... But i can't be.
And I know that i don't have the right to be cranky anymore. Not with you, not that i ever really did... But i know that you understood why i was. I don't have that right anymore though, and i shouldn't be this upset or this frustrated.
I spent all day wanting to talk to you. All day just in a bit of a blur, not able to focus on much of anything except getting home so that i could talk to you. And then i got home, only to find out that we were going to be out and i couldn't talk to you... And i know that you can't just talk to me all the time and you have homework and that you're sick of having people on your case all the time and such. i'm just... selfish.
You know i really am. I think that i'm the most selfish, selfcentred person i know. I care about everyone i know more than myself... but... when it comes to you... i am so selfish... And i really shouldnt be, and dont deserve to be for all i've done.
i'm sorry...
Sometimes I say things i don't mean... Sometimes i get distracted by myself and how much pain i'm in that i don't really think about how much the things that i say affect other people. I mean, we all do it. But that doesn't mean its right. So if that hurt or offended you, i'm sorry.
Guess what? Just because i'm falling apart doesn't mean I'm a complete pushover. You can't just walk all over me and expect it to have no effect on my just because you can't hurt me any more deeply than my own actions and than the pain i caused the person i love the most in this entire world.
And I'm just going to out and admit it now. I'm jealous okay? That is why. Because I'm so jealous of the fact that you can have what you want more than anything in the world. And you don't even appreciate it. I can't say i really ever took that for granted... Because well, we were hardly ever together, i appreciated every moment we got. But now that i cannot have that anymore, i know that if the time ever came when i got to go back... I would never take it for granted ever again, even for a moment. Because... I love him... I need him more than the ground i walk on, more than the air i breathe. And i would give anything to be able to go back there. But you... You just have it handed to you on a platter. You don't appreciate what you have.
And I'm jealous of her too. I'm sorry. Im just being jealous today... And you really don't deserve this... but... you're going to get it anyway. Like i said, I would give anything ANYTHING to be able to go back there... But I can't. And you, had better enjoy what you can get. At least you have some promise of being able to eventually be with the person you want to be with. Can't you just appreciate that for now?
I'm sorry. I'm being a jealous mean little bitch. But... I don't think either of you realise how hard this is for me right now. Its not just some two week thing, six week thing, three month thing... No. It was almost two whole years. I'll have to go until december before we've been broken up for half the time we were dating. And to be perfectly honest, i'm not sure that i'll be over it by then. In fact, I know that i won't be. Because this isn't just some stupid little thing like so many of you thought it was. This was... Well, everything, the meaning of my life for so long. And to have that suddenly ripped away from me... Well, it hurts more than any of you will ever know. So wow, you're over it. You're over your two week relationship. You're over your six week relationship. And you? You're moving on from your three month relationship. Guess what? Good for you. Move on. If you can, thats really great for you. And i'm happy for you. I truely am.
But I cannot do that. Okay?
Liar liar pants on fire.
We're all liars. We all lie to one another like crazy, because maybe life is easier that way. We keep things to ourselves because it's easier than bearing our souls. Because it's easier than showing someone how broken you really are. Because it's easier than showing you this pain. Because it's easier than being happy when your best friend is miserable. Because its easier than being miserable when your best friend is happy. Because it's easier this way. Because you don't really want to know anyway.
There's something about the look in your eyes
Something i noticed when the light was just right
it reminded me twice that i ws alive
And it reminded me that you're so worth the fight
My biggest fear will be the
Rescue of me... strange how
It turns out that way
Could you show me dear... something i've not
Seen? Something infinitely interesting.
There's something about the way you move
I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing
More subtle than something someone contrives
Your movements echo that i've seen the real thing
Your biggest fear will be the rescue of you
Its strange how it turns out that way
Could you show me dear... something i've
Not seen? Something infinitely interesting...
I don't want to do anything either. I don't want to.
I go to school, I go to work. Because I have to. Because there is no other choice.
Just like you, I don't want to go to sleep. And even when i try to, i can't.
I don't want to wake up, or get out of bed.
I don't want to do anything.
Sometimes i just sit there, for hours straight and cry.
Because...
While you may believe that I am strong, i am not strong enough to live without you.
I do realise that my life is bigger than just me. I know first hand just how much another person's life can affect your life. I know that my life is about more than me, and that i can't do some things because of the affect it has on other people.
But it is my life. And if i want to follow, then i will. Besides, you aren't aiming to. Like you said, if it happens you won't care, but you aren't going out to make that happen. So unless it does, then you have nothing to worry about.
Maybe we are just fakers. Maybe you only see what I want you to see. Maybe she was right. We hardly know her, and she hardly knows us. Maybe she was right, the world only sees of us what we want to show.
Maybe i'm just a faker.
Maybe it was all fake. Maybe it is all fake.
Maybe you don't know me at all. And maybe I should tell you... But well, i don't want to. Cos... there's only one thing I do want. And only one thing I cannot have. Only one person who knows almost everything there is to know about me. Who, in fact, knows me better than i know myself. But it doesn't even matter anymore does it?
We're both suffering the same symptoms, yet neither of us is sick. So why this pain? So why this sadness? So why this complete and utter despair? So why this grey cloudy haze over our lives?
You know what's kind of sad...? I hardly miss you at all. I mean I should. But i don't. I did. But I don't. I always loved you. there was no way that you could doubt that. But then there's him. And we were closer than you and i could ever be. Besides, it was different. I loved him. I still love him. And I will continue to. You... well you were never real. You were my best friend... But the person I hated the most... The person who hated me the most. And the person who made me feel worst about myself. He made me happy. He made me like the person I am, and to like being alive. And he will always be more important to me than you ever were, and could be. And to be completely truthful, i don't even care that it's two weeks today. I'm more concerned over the three weeks i've had so far of missing him. And to be entirely honest with you, I will ALWAYS miss him more than you. Love him more than you. You may have been my best friend. But he was so much more. My soul mate, regardless of the fact that everyone thinks we're too young to have found that yet, and also of the fact that we may be broken up... But... He was perfect. IS perfect.
You cannot compare, or be anything like he ever was. He will always be a thousand times more important to me.
Okay, so I'm not quite in the best state of mind today... In fact there's something I want to get off my chest. Right here, right now.
I hate you.
There, I finally said it. I hate you. You are insensitive and unkind and you go about things completely the wrong way. And I hate you. Part of me wishes that I didn't, but then again it's taken me two years to get to the day that I can actually finally say that I hate you.
You were my best friend. So why...? I never understood, and I don't understand. You were so happy. I know I'll never get an answer to any of this. But, this is my closure. I dont care anymore. I just don't.
I can't.
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I must ask one thing, why exactly are we a society that speaks but will not listen? Why is it that what everyone else says goes straight over our heads and yet everything we say is the most important thing in the world? And why is it, that in this self centred society of today, everything is always about me, me, me, oh and i dont know... me?
Why is it that hard to care about other people? I mean honestly, when do you talk about someone other than yourself, aside from occassional bitching behind their backs?
You're all talk. But you won't listen. You care about yourself. But only others when you're being a stickybeak. Why is it the life we live today? Why is everyone else's business something we feel the necessity to butt into? And why can't we understand that what is private, is private and just stop bugging people about it?
What if there's more in friendship and community, than there is in self centred isolation?
Sure, we're all still friends. But deep down, everyone cares about number one first. Or would you say thats not true? And when you finally meet someone that you care about more than yourself... More than anyone, ever... What do you do when you can't hold onto them forever?
Why are none of these questions at all easy to answer...?
Tomorrow... Well... There's two things...
One of which, tomorrow is two years...
The other, tomorrow is three weeks...
While they're (thankfully) entirely different situations, I hope you both know that I love you, so much. And I miss you. I miss you so insanely.
Without you... Life isn't... right.
You know what? I'm not even going to get mad anymore. I'm just going to learn to expect the lowest from the people i thought the highest of...
you know i need you. and part of me wishes you didnt...
But you don't have a clue just how much that is true... and it shouldnt be...
i am empty. without you i am empty.
I am nothing.
No. I do not want to talk about it. It is finished. It is over. It is done.
I was trying today, to think about you with someone else. I guess it made me cranky. Everyone pissed me off today, everyone made me feel bitter and angry and hurt. And not because they did anything to me. Because I was doing it to myself.
I will be happy for you. When you find her. Because you will.
I’m sure she’s pretty. And has a beautiful genuine smile. And is smart. And funny. And… Perfect.
She’s probably nothing like me… Which is probably a good thing.
I will be happy for you and I won’t let on how much it hurts.
And I shall do the best friend thing to do, and hug you and demand to meet her so that we can become good friends and bitch about you behind your back :P (sorry, it’s a girl thing).
But until this happens, I will always wish that things could change. And I will always wish that things had been different.
Maybe one day we will both go our separate ways, and we will both move on and be happy with someone else. But you’ll still be my best friend. And somewhere inside me, I’ll still love you. Because I don’t think that you can make it go away. I don’t think that anything could make what we have disappear. It will always be there, in some way, shape or form. Because what we have is had was too strong to lose completely. It was too strong to go away all together.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again.
Maybe one day things will be different.
Sometimes I wonder if I disappeared, would you ever turn your head and look? See that I’m gone? Cos I fear there is nothing left to say to you that you want to hear, that you want to know…
I cannot forget, refuse to regret that some how I met you.
You take my breath away, made everyday worth all of the pain that I’d gone through...
I'm tired. I'm so insanely tired. I am tired of not sleeping, and tired of dealing with people, and tired of pretending to be happy.
I'm tired of being here. And i'm tired of all of this.
Mentally, emotionally, I cannot take anymore.
This is all... too much... far too much...
And i miss you. I shouldn't. But i do.
You drive me insane. I literally find it hard to sit there and listen to everything you say, because not only does it never end, but also its never about anythign important. I'm going to sound like a stupid selfish little brat... But... You only ever talk about a) nothing/crap, b)stories we've heard a million times and don't WANT to hear again or c) yourself.
I listen to you. Okay? I do. Sometimes... As much as i can bear to.
But don't expect me to smile and be cheery and chirpy every second of the day. Because right now, even if i look happy, im not.
Right now, everything is hard. And everything hurts.
I'm sorry. Maybe I'm being cruel. Maybe I'm being mean.
I don't know. And I am sorry. Because I know that if I were in your situation I would not want to have just read that about myself.
But... I would have thought that maybe you might have realised by now that I dont want to, or need to hear it. My sanity is quite literally hanging by a thread. My self control is slipping, and keeping myself from doing insanely stupid things is becoming increasingly, increasingly difficult.
And then you, tell me how much its hurts you.
How much this whole thing hurts, and believe me, i know this whole thing hurts. I know.
And if it hurts you too, well then im, sorry.
And to everyone who has been hurt, i am sorry.
But put yourselves in my position, every day you are slidding slowly, deeper into the despair that has become life for you. Everyday it overpowers you more and more... And then you have one of your best friends start talk about how much it hurts her. And that hurts even more... Because as much as you want to sympathise with them, to apologise for that hurt, you can't. you can only feel anger and hurt and frustration... because, you have to deal with it, think about it, every second of every day... and know that things may never be the same again...
Im sorry.
I love you....?
But its not about your heart is it?
'It breaks my heart to see you two...'
I'm sorry. But its not about your heart. Its not about you. Its not about how YOU feel.
In fact, guess what? ITS NOT ABOUT YOU AT ALL!!!
It's not about your heart, or your pain. Because what ever pain you're feeling, however hurt you are by this, it has nothing to do with you. Nothing.
This is not 'beautiful agony' sweetie. Take it from me, from him, this pain, this agony is anything but 'beautiful'. It is so far from being beautiful that its just not f***ing funny.
I'm sorry, I know I probably sound hurtful. And this entire blog is going to sound terrible. Mean. And probably stupid. But that hurt me. It really did. To hear you, talk about your pain, and your 'broken heart' and all this s*** and its all about YOU.
What about him?
What about me?
What on earth does this even have to do with YOU?
Is it really that hard to just for once mind your own business? Did you want to consider the fact that maybe i'm trying really hard to deal with my own pain, my own ugly heartbreaking agony right now, that i really DONT CARE about yours in regards to this subject? In fact, in regards to this subject... only two of us really matter. And aside from me and him, this doesnt really have any affect on anyone, and nobody else really has the right to express any pain.
This is about us. Not about you.
I'm sorry if it hurts to read this, and i love you. But is it really that hard to just stay out of it for once? It has nothing to do with you, and you can't just say 'i know how you feel' cos guess what. You dont. Okay? You have no idea how I feel. I am the one in this situation. He is the one in this situation. How I feel, how he feels, that is what matters.
NOT you and your 'beautiful agony'. FFS, it's not 'beautiful' there is nothing at all beautiful about it.
It is f***ing painful. It hurts ike hell on fire. It is ugly, heart breaking agony. And you haven't got a clue what it feels like.
They think I'm wrong. Or that I'm behaving inappropriately.
And I have no idea anymore...
She can hug any guy she likes for as long as she likes, she can hug you for as long as she likes. But me? no. No I can't. In fact, I shouldn't at all.
Or should I?
I can hug any of my other best friends. As far as i know its not against the law. So why not you? When you're maybe the most important of them all...
I'm sorry if I'm wrong... I'm sorry, cos i'm sure it hurt. Cos it hurt me, just to let go.
Old habits die hard sweetheart and its not getting any easier. We've been walking that road for so long that itsa hard to walk another. That its hard to go a different way. And its all up to me, because I know that you wouldn't object if i rolled over into your arms, you'd just wrap them around me where they used to belong and tell me that you love me, that you're glad i came back. And I know that both of us want not much more than for that to happen. But...
I don't know if i imagined it, or if you ran your fingers through my hair. Just the way you used to when i'd fall asleep.
And I don't know if it was you, or just me being stupid and imagining things in my sleep.
No one else seems to understand this whole thing with you and me... Because well... It doesn't make much sense. I love you, you love me, but we can't be together.
Seems straight forward enough...
Is painful enough. More than enough. And thats just for me. I can't even imagine how it must be for you.
And i'm sure I don't make things easier.
But I miss you.
Even when I'm right beside you.
I feel sick. Completely sick to the stomach every time I think about the fact that I might never get to curl up in your arms anymore, or fall asleep beside you, or just sit and talk the way we used to without everyone giving us weird looks.That i can't just hug you when I want to, cos everyone is so critical about it.
and its really not fair, because above it all you were my best friend. Above it all you are my best friend. And i miss you. I don't think its fair that everyone else can be so critical of us.
Well sorry, you're allowed to be best friends with him. And she is best friends with the other one. And he is still really close to her.
So why can't we?
I'm sorry... I miss you... and i hate you =P if I bruise, you die. lol.
