Hi everyone.

Just letting you all know I have a new email address. (and this is it if you didn't catch that :P) 

Have a good night,

Leish.

I need a fresh start. A clean slate. Need to start over.

So.

You can find my new blog at http://lisforleish.blogspot.com/

I love the way that a good day can be ruined so easily...

Or maybe it's just me.

Maybe I am actually incapable of just... being happy.

It hurts that nobody hears what I say.

It hurts that you can walk straight past me and not notice.

It hurts that you don't care.

It hurts that you didn't notice.

It hurts that you never notice.

It hurts that I can't brush it off and get over it like anyone else could.

No.

I do not think i'm better than you because I've been in my relationship for longer than you've been in yours.

No.

I do not think it's a pitiful effort.

Shit takes time.

For fuck sake.

You can't just skip ahead until you reach the three year point!

Don't attack me because you haven't been together for as long as me and him.

Don't shit stir.

Don't come and whine and me because I'm all 'superior' because of the length of my relationship.

Do you think it's been easy?

Do you think it's been a complete and utter walk in the fucking park?!

Don't come and whine to me when he doesn't speak to you for an hour.

Do you know how often I can go weeks, months even, without *seeing* him?

Do you know how often we just *don't* talk because we're both too busy with the shit that this year brings?

Don't attack me for keeping my relationship going.

He's the most important thing in the world to me.

Of course I'm going to do everything I can to keep him.

Of course I'm going to fight for my relationship.

Of course I'm going to be upset when things are going wrong or the world gets in the way of what I'd *want* to happen.

But it doesn't give you the right to accuse me of being up myself and acting as though I am superior because of the length of my relationship.

So why don't you fuck off.

And get out of my life.

And leave us alone.

do you remember that...?

you make me want to scream.

you make me want to hurl myself at a wall.

you make me want to punch someone.

you make me want to change.

you make me want to be better.

you make me feel worse.

you make me hurt.

you make me smile.

you make me break down my barriers.

you make me build more up.

you make me want to eat small children.

i want to explain how much this hurts me but i cant. i know you dont know whats happening. i know you have no idea that nothing is wrong. but... you dont ask... so you dont know...

Dear So and So...

I lied. And I don’t plan to *EVER* tell you the truth.

This is sorry for the last time.

I would run away with you, if you asked me to... You make me feel like I’m meaningful, and worth something. Please, let’s just run away...

I'm seventeen and I've had something like insomnia for a few years now. I think it's because everytime I close my eyes I think of death, and it scares me.

You've kinda become the biggest two-faced person ever...

I miss you

When you ask me what I wished for at 11.11 I lie.

I'm insecure and have low self-esteem. But I'm sure you realise this.

Sometimes I wonder if everything you are is a lie. But then maybe I'm a lie too...

You said you aren't going to change. You said you'll always be there for me. But I'm scared that you'll forget me. I'm proud of you, but I'm scared to lose you.

I hate myself for allowing myself to become fat, ugly and a failure. It only proves you were right. And that makes it all my fault.

You called me the 'therapist' of the group. I don't know if you realise it hurts that you expect me to be there for you when you've never been there for me.

When I think about the future, I can't really see myself getting old... I wonder if this means I'm going to die young.

I write journals, with all of my deepest thoughts and feelings... Part of me almost wishes my parents will find it so that they can see what they're doing to me.

I can tell, just by looking at you, when you've been talking about me.

I always prepare myself for the worst, so that I'm not disappointed when the best doesn't come my way.

The older I get, the more doubts and fears I have. I always thought it would be the opposite.

You made me this way...

I have suffered through things you wouldn't even realise. And yet I put a smile on my face as much as I can, and stay as strong as I can for the paople around me. I think the real me comes out when it's dark and quiet and i'm all alone. Or when you're there... That's about it.

All my life, I've never been as angry as i am at you.

I'm sure you don't realise.

I often worry that someday you will realise that I'm not worth it.

You and I belong in two seperate worlds. But i'm glad you want to be part of mine...

I can see beauty in everyone but myself... Sometmes I worry I'll never see what you see in me...

Sometimes I wish that posting something like this didn't worry me.

Sometimes I wish I could tell you what is in my head.

All I want is you...

We went out for coffee and I told you that one in every four girls self harmed.

There were four of us there, and so you asked which one of the four of us it was...

When noone replied, she said it was none of us, because they were the results of a survey of thousands and thousands of girls...

What you didn't realise, is that i'm the one in four.

i dont want to be alone tonight...

i want him...

just to curl up in his arms and cry and cry and then calm down and not be alone.

i want him...

i just want this year to end...

i miss you Adam ♥ Lily ♥

and you who today is about, Annabelle ♥

Sometimes I wonder if I make myself sick. I mean... Not intentionally or anything. But like... Sub-consciously. I mean... surely no one could ever possibly get sick as often as I do. Surely it's not even... Possible.

I mean, this is a virus. Today is a virus. But what about the rest of the time?

Do I stress so much that it makes me physically ill? Do I take too much on and wear myself down to the point where my body can do nothing but be sick?

I mean, I don't sleep... Much.

I work 10-15 hours most weeks just to keep myself alive and in a house.

I attempt to pass year twelve, but most of the time I'm just too exhausted and sick to even be able to think straight enough to do my work...

I mean... I'm on all A's and B's. I know I shouldn't be disappointed in my efforts and grades. But I am.

Annd this is what? My fourth Monday off all year? I push myself so hard to get through the week, then when normal people get a break of a weekend, I get to work, have pretty much no social life, no sleep, and attempt to find time to fit homework in between whatever my family has planned. So by the time Monday rolls around, I think I'm just that sick that... Coping, getting through a day of school just seems impossible. And so I convince myself, it's ok, we'll be working on this assignment that I've finished in Toursim, I have a free, Classics will be working on the essay, free, Justice we might get the new assignment... But we have til week seven on it so surely I can just see him about it tomorrow right? Besides, we'll probably just finish watching that video and it was really boring, and then do more worksheets... I won't miss that much...

But then it all builds up.

And then I slowly start to fall behind. And I mean, don't get me wrong. I get everything done. But I'm not going to deny that sometimes it's a bit of a scramble at the finishline.

But that's the thing.

Falling behind stresses me out... More than I already was. And then we start the entire cycle again.

The cycle of sickness, and tears, and missing him, and bubble baths to calm down. Of late nights and working all weekend and family events that make homework almost impossible until most Sunday nights. Of Mondays staring into a bucket/down a toilet bowl vomiting. Or in bed coughing up my lungs, freezing even though I'm wrapped in layers of clothes and blankets and quilts and scarves with a heater on full. Of Mondays when even just getting up is too hard, and the light is too harsh for me to bear, Mondays spent in the dark, in silence, because it is the only way to survive them.

I'm sick of Mondays.

When this year is over, I am going to be so happy. Screw TERs and getting into uni and getting good grades... I just want to make it through alive.

Listen, I'm sure you're normally a perfectly nice person. But you don't know me. I've never met you, never spoken to you. You don't know me, or who I am.

I am not evil, or mean, nor do I look down on people who are not christians.

Being a christian is just part of my way of life and my beliefs and I in no way make any attempts to rub that in people's faces or try to force them to believe what I believe.

I do not particularly appreciate you speaking about me, someone whom you have never met or even spoken to, to other people. Especially not people who are friends of Branden, and whom I might one day have to spend a lot of time around. I like to let people get to know me for me. Not for what other people say I am.

I'm a nice person. And I love Branden. And I absolutely love his friends. The fact that he 'lets' me mingle with his friends is not some... controversy. It's because he actually values and respects me. Ok?

I don't care if you hate christians and think they aren't worth 'shit'. I know I am worth something. And you know what? People like Branden, Courtney, Tamara and Simone would back me up on that. Not to mention all of the other ASMS people who I've met but have not really had a lot to do with.

Look, people who actually know me respect me, and like me. I don't try to force my beliefs on anyone. And I certainly do not condemn people for not being a christian. I mean, I am going out with Branden. And he is certainly not a christian by any means. The fact that I am a christian doesn't make anything i say or do any more or less important.

I'd just... Really appreciate if you don't speak about me to other people. If you want to believe that I am worthless and nothing I say or do matters, that is fine. But please do not publicly defame me by saying this to other people. Especially not those who I am actually starting to really care about.

so i am clinically depressed :)

you promised to prank me on the weekend when it would be a good time to talk...

i guess you forgot.

or you're too busy.

or you just can't be arsed.

or maybe i just don't matter.

you also said you were too busy last weekend so you'd organise to see me this weekend... i guess that's not happening either.

i give up.

its not like it matters.

its not like anything matters anymore...

Photo courtesy of the Boston Globe.

This girl is Phoebe Prince.Phoebe was just like any other 15 year old girl in a new school.

You know how it is at a new school, you try to make a good impression, dress right, fit in, make some friends.

But the poor girl from Ireland, no. She was met immediately with a stream of abuse.

She was dated by one of the popular guys on the football team and this in turn lead to a constant stream of abuse from jealous teenage girls.

Not only was this poor girl in a new school, she was in a new country (America...) trying to fit in with new people and new fashions and new social circles.

And all the while she is being attacked from all sides, being called an 'Irish slut' and a 'whore' and basically informed that her death would be an 'improvement to the world'.

Teachers witnessed this constant verbal abuse and brushed it off, ignored it, working on the theory that if they ignored it it would eventually go away.

And one day, after she had a redbull can thrown as she walked home from school, it did go away.

Phoebe walked into her room, went to her closet, and hung herself.

She was found a few hours later, by her twelve year old sister.

Let me get one thing fucking straight.

Cyber bullying is a fucking problem. Cyber bullying is not cool or fun or a good fucking joke between you and your friends. Cyber bullying hurts people. Real people like you and me. Cyber bullying is not cool.

Look at her fucking picture. She is beautiful. She was, by all reports a nice, sweet girl who really tried to make friends in a new and scary place. And yet she was met by a constant stream of abuse and hatred from people who refused to even give her the time of day or get to know her.

Suicide is a fucking crime. But you know, it's not Phoebe who is going to jail. No. It's the nine other teenagers involved, all of whom have been charged as adults and will appear as an adult in court not as a juvenile. They have been charged with things ranging from statutory rape, to stalking, to abuse with a dangerous item, to hate speech.

Never ever get tricked into believing that the words you say have no affect on anyone. If you say unkind things about someone, they will take it to heart. Even if they seem to brush it off at the time, it may very well affect them. Just because one person doesn't take offence to your joking abuse doesnt mean that everyone will react in the same way...

Just because it doesn't kill them doesn't mean they are unaffected.

Just. Fucking. Don't.

This shit makes me so fucking angry.

So... I saw J again tonight.

She has decided she'll be setting me a list of tasks and challenges each week to see how successful I am with each. This week's challenges are as follows...:

1. J thinks I'm too dependent on C... (which is you know, probably true). So, for the next week, any contact is not to be initiated by me. Basically I cannot send random texts 24/7, I am not to start new emails or failmails. I can comment on his facebook, reply to wall posts, failmails, emails. I can call if it is requested. However, everything I do is to be in reply to something of his... Just for one week... (so I'll probably fail, or shoot myself... or blog more.) Lol.
2. J thinks I'm too negative in my outlook and don't really show my love and appreciation for people often enough. So the task for this week is to say something nice, completely out of the blue, to five people whom I am not particularly close with.
   
3. Attempt to read for fun (not IS) for at least half an hour each night before bed. Also, this should be started at either 9.30 or 10.00 pm so that my newly prescribed sleeping tablets should be kicking in by the time my half hour is over.
4. Journal or blog at least once per day (so don't yell at me if I don't blog, it means I'm journalling instead :P). Because J thinks I bottle too much up that I don't get out, not even to C because I fill time with mindless crap instead. Also, she suspects that if I'm not initiating contact, contact will be less frequent which means I'll bottle up more than I already do.
5. Try and take half an hour's time out for myself, preferably straight after school to give myself a bit of a break between school and homework. Apparently my stress levels are sky high and if I don't start taking some time out for myself I'm going to end up with high blood pressure.

So... We'll see how I go with the challenges I guess.

--insert witty and humorous ending comment here--

You walked into the room
Like you were walking onto a stage
Your clothes stood out
Your voice was loud
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself talk
And all the girls hoped that you'd let them breathe,
you'd let them breath
You'd let them breathe, and

You're so vain
You probably don't think this blog is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you don't think this blog is about you
Do you? Do you?

You used to keep the secrets i'd weep
When it was nothing to do with gossip
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
But I'm a little creeped out by that
You talk, you joke, you laugh
You carry the whole conversation
You're needy, you're clingy
I just can't shake you, and

You're so vain
You probably don't think this blog is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you don't think this blog is about you
Do you? Do you?


You're needy, you're clingy
I just can't shake you, and

You're so vain
You probably don't think this blog is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you don't think this blog is about you
Do you? Do you?

Well, I hear you like to tell stories
About ideas that were naturally yours
Then take all the credit for them without a mention
To the one who really did it
Well, you're kinda out there
And you try too hard to be
Someone different or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and

You're so vain
You probably don't think this blog is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you don't think this blog is about you
Do you? Do you? Do you?


Dearest, we talked about you tonight. ♥

So.... she reckons my mental state was better when i was blogging and journal writing more because i was getting thoughts out of my head. so i suppose i'll be taking up blogging more regularly again...

so...

it occurs to me that i'm really not a very interesting person. my thoughts, my words, they'll never change the world. i will never affect anyone with what i say.

how amazing would it be to be one of those people who say something and it is suddenly an important saying.

im too tired to fall asleep.

stolen from fireflies yes... but im too tired...

its been about a week now...

and yet the relief of sleep doesnt come.

she says she's going to refer me to a doctor to go on sleeping tablets permanently. cos the ones she is able to give me just make me drowsy, dont put me to sleep...

damnit i should finish this homework....

one day my brain will work.

once you've been there before... you know how to make sure scars don't show...

I don't even know how to explain this level of hurt...

Kinda you know... The one lone member of this family i like and get along with.....



I guess it goes to show family can hurt you more than anyone else.


i mean god damnit. he knew it wasn't true. He knew. And yet he went ahead and said it all anyway... I dont even fucking well know how to respond to that........

What part of 'I haven't had an abortion' are you not getting?

Ask Me Stuff?

It's a hard question, cos there's so many ways to define love. But I guess it's like when there's just this one amazing person who means the world to you, who you'd find it almost impossible to live without. They're that one person who you would do anything for and they would do anything for you. They are where you feel safe. They are where you feel wanted. They are where you want to be. And it doesn't matter what you're doing, everything is just instantly better because they are there.And being with them, it's like nothing can hurt you too badly, because he'll just wipe your tears and find some way to cheer you up. Somehow, they're just... The most perfect person in your life. You know? Someone who you wouldn't change a thing about, even though they will undoubtably have flaws. Someone who can completely disagree with your beliefs but still support you in them anyway. Someone who may not share the same values, but is willing to uphold them anyway because it's what you want. Someone who would do anything to see you happy. Love just... is.

Ask Me Stuff?

Dedicated to Christie.

The girl sat on her bed, mirror in hand, her fingers running over the bags beneath her eyes, over the pimples on her nose, through the tangles in her thin scraggly hair.

Ugly. Worthless. Scum.

She glared at her stomach and poked at her thighs. Disgusted. She glanced up, just in time to see the red bubble appear above the message icon on her facebook page. '...I hope it's him...'

It wasn't who she wanted. It wasn't who she expected. It wasn't what she wanted. It wasn't what she expected.

But it was what she needed.

13 simple words from a beautiful woman of God.

'God seems to be telling me to tell you He thinks you're beautiful.'

There's nothing romantic about death.. Grief is like the ocean, its deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night.

sometimes i wonder where i stand with you. would you support me if i needed it? would you be there for me? or would you do what you did before... leave me for someone more interesting...? honestly i dont know sometimes........... i wish i could say without doubt that i could count on you.. but these days i just dont know that i can...

-sigh- i wish he'd reply :(

Herro Kyrie! You're rather awesome too :D

Ask Me Stuff?

She has nice hair
Though her skin is fair.

She enjoys watching Veronica Mars
And she likes to drive in cars.

She once was elevEN
And now she loves Ben.

She can read the time from a clock
And she really loves.... I mean wut??

i am so over this right now. im over studying when i'm going to fail anyway. im over working all weekend and having no time for study. im over coming home exhausted and dehydrated and just passing out for a few hours. im over missing him and im definitely over not seeing him... im over smiling when i feel like shit. and im over feeling like shit for stupid pathetic reasons. im over being tired and im over being sick. im over not being able to sleep no matter how tired i am. and im over trying to sleep without him. im over you being so hot and cold. im over being your friend when you want something or when no one else is willing to listen. and im over the way you treat everyone around you like shit. im over this term already and im over how much work i have to do before it's over. im over waiting for camp and im over wishing you were here...

everytime things sort themselves out, they start to fall apart again...

and everytime one thing goews wrong, everything goes wrong...

I want to tell him.

If you keep this up any longer I probably will.

This is so fucking unfair.

He is going to be so hurt.

But no, you just keep fucking well leading him on.

Get the fuck over yourself.

You don't deserve him.

right now i feel lik slapping you. hard. really hard.

god knows you deserve it.

the memories i hope will never fade...

So... I was talking to Lauren today during our free. And we were talking about how much everything has changed in a year. And yet at the same time it feels like not much has changed.

A year ago, we were fighting. Pretty massively. We simply were not talking anymore. That is how bad it had all gotten. To the extent where any words exchanged between us where forcibly cold and mean sounding, even if it was something as simple as 'could you pass the sauce?' We made up on Easter Sunday night. I was relieved... I'd missed you.

A year ago, we were broken up. Or maybe we were just getting back together. Honestly I cannot remember. Maybe we'd just gotten back together. Either way... With all the crap that has gone on in my life, that was still one of the top five most devastating things ever to happen to me. All I can say is that I don't know how I would have gotten through the past year without you...

A year ago, you were being flamed. Pretty seriously. It was quite devastating I'm sure. But I suppose you're an example of a person who takes the criticism of others and uses it for personal growth. You're a much happier, better person these days (which is not to say that you werent then, just better now). I'm glad. :D

A year ago, I hated you. Honestly, if I were capable of murdering someone I would have killed you in your sleep. Ok, so maybe I wouldn't have. But I'm pretty serious. I hated you. These days, amazingly, it's not so bad. We actually almost get along most of the time. :O

A year ago... A year ago they were all still here. All those people we've lost in the past year. A year ago we still spoke to each other. A year ago, they were in love. A year ago, you were happy. A year ago, he was one of the most important people in my life. A year ago, it mattered what he had said before he was gone...

A year ago.

We're another year older, a little bit wiser, a little bit stronger than a year ago today...
...another year gone by, all my tears had run dry, life seemed so unkind... a year ago today...

i love hearing your voice.... ♥

So I suppose I should apologise to everyone. I've kinda been over grumpy lately, taking things out on some of you who don't deserve it. And it hasn't been your fault.

My week has been a crazy mix of accusations, threats and bitching. All of which has basically lead to me being a moody bitch.

But I don't know, I suppose it's kinda hard not to get upset about rumours that you're pregnant, people wishing you were dead, and people informing you that eveyone hates you.

But I\m trying to brush it off now, it doesn't really matter that much. Those who know me know who I am... And seem to like it.

I've been so amazed at the support I've recieved from everyone too. Even people I hardly talk to have emailed me or spoken to me and offered their support and told me that they think I'm a lovely person. So many people have offered to be there for me if I need it.

It's also really helped me discover who some of my truest friends are. You know? Those people who've let me rant at them or cry on them or just spaz at them. And those who have posted massive rants in my defence (and of course those who posted small rants too :D). Those who have just told me they love me and I shouldn't listen to the haters.

But you know what's been funny? Charming's friends... Who I hardly kow at all. Like three of whom I've met before, and the rest I haven't. And the way they have all jumped to my defense too. It surprises me how just chatting to someone on facebook, or formspring, or whatever... Even just hearing me mentioned by him (seeing as I suppose that's why they added me in the first place)... They are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt and say that I seem like a good person to them.

I think its pretty cool. :D

So... I guess I've kinda been neglecting my blog recently. Before I lost my internet, blogger used to be one of the first five sites I'd open when I log onto the computer. These days, I rarely even think of it. I should get back in the habit of blogging.

Anyway... So I was watching the Biggest Loser tonight... And one of the girls, who is about a year older than me said something that really struck a core with me... She said that she'd kind of been a bit weighty since she was younger. And her parents were always on her case. But that she was normally a reasonably good girl. She just reminded me of me a bit.

Mostly in the sense of how she said that she didn't really rebel. Her weight was her rebelion. Like she didn't drink. She didn't do drugs. She didn't have sex. She ate. And everytime she ended up upset she'd just eat something. Something sugary and gross and awful for her.

And it made me realise, I'm the same. They give me shit. And so I go, and in spite of them eat something awful for me.

And I mean really, in the long run... it's me I'm hurting. It's my life I'm cutting short. It's me that I'm killing.

It kind of made me realise that instead of pretty much caving to what they say... Maybe I should be making a change in spite of them. Maybe instead I should be proving that I am better than what they say.

But maybe I'm not.......

So I've decided to take an idea from Ben over at Closer To The Heart with his most recent post, The Life Game. The general idea is to write a wikipedia style biography for yourself using the various video games you've played. It's just supposed to be a bit of fun. Anyway, here goes nothing.

Leisha was eight when she first began solving mysteries. Sensing her immense skill and ability she was hired for her detective work at a remote beachside hotel [Detective Barbie 2].

She then grew up a little and decided to help the professor solve some random crime she can't remember a thing about anymore [Rugrats All Growed Up].

Leisha then took a short break from her detective work to enter a horse riding competition however she found herself on the lookout for Golden Horseshoes in order to save the ranch [Saddle Club Game].

After this "break", Leisha was recruited to help Theressa find her missing fashions after they were stolen from a New York fashion show. this adventure took her to Paris, Tokyo and Egypt [Secret Agent Barbie].

Leisha then retired from the detective life to run a chain of very successful Cruiseliners [Cruiseship Tycoon] and Theme Parks [Roller Coaster Tycoon 2+3].

So there we go. My life in the lame arse video games I've played.

I am looking forward to the end of this year. Seriously, I cannot do it.

I have sat here attempting to read this stupid book (Fly Away Peter just in case you are interested) for the last 2 and a half freaking hours. But it is like something in my brain is going 'you cannot do this. Just give up now. What is the point in trying when you know you are going to fail anyway?'

But another part of me wants to succeed... And wants to do well. Just... Not with this book. -cries-

it happened again...






i can't believe it happened again....

When you are a child, you think you are invincible. You honestly
believe that nothing bad could ever happen to you, that you are – and
always will be – safe. The only problem with this childlike innocence
is that sometimes a child needs to learn that they are not invincible,
that they truly can be harmed.

When you are a child you do not really understand Death. In my mind, I
suppose Death only came to visit extremely old people. Death wasn't
interested in the young. Suffering didn't happen until you're grown,
and old. I suppose I learnt my lesson.

I remember that day as well as if it were yesterday. I remember the
instant freeze as I got the phone call. The shiver that went down my
back and the way the goose bumps covered my skin. The immediate
knowledge that something was wrong before I'd even picked up the
phone. I remember being unable to stop shaking, despite the warmth of
the spring day. I stuttered every word I spoke, and caught only very
few words being spoken to me. 'Hospital... Not much time... Possibly
fatal...' And then she said his name. I remember whispering his name
after I hung up. His name left a sickening taste in my mouth – a warm,
sticky sensation that slid down my throat like blood slides over skin.
Even now when I say his name, I feel the same sting of pain stabbing
away in my stomach.

Until that day I was a mere child. Pain was yet to mark my life. I had
not experienced the harshness, and pain of a world grown cold.

For days following I surrounded myself with safety. My father's baggy,
warm jumper that came to just above my knees. The scarf he'd given to
me so long ago. The much loved, one-eared, pink teddy bear that my
mother had made for me when I was only little. Warm, fluffy ugg boots
that reminded me of the peace I always feel in winter when the rain
pours down outside and the whole world is cold and beautiful. I felt
cold all the time.
When I visited him, I didn't know what to say. No one would tell me
what had happened, why he was there. The only reassurance anyone would
give me was that he would wake up and everything would be alright
again. But that wasn't enough for me. Day in and day out I watched as
he lay there, machines monitoring his vitals. Nothing ever changed and
no one ever gave me any answers.

It was a nurse who accidently mentioned it. The truth that everyone
had been trying to avoid. He'd done this himself. He hadn't wanted to
wake up, so maybe he never would. Only time could tell...

Before that day I'd never really understood depression. That poisonous
blackness that invades a person's life, takes over every part of their
being. I was young, naive, innocent, and sheltered. My world had been
carefully structured in order to protect me from the pain of the
world. I wasn't supposed to understand depression. But that day I
think I truly began to understand. In my mind I pictured it as a
brilliant red rose, slowly but surely being sucked of life. The veins
throughout it turning black as the rose died, until only the tips were
left red. The stem withered, the leaves crushed. All hope gone... He
must have felt like he had no other option.

That day, I cried like I never had before. I felt pain unlike any
otherwise experienced. I felt grief for maybe the first time in my
life. When the lines on the machines went flat, the machines beeping
out their emergency call, their final goodbye, I learnt that Death
smells sweet.

Some days I wake up to find that fragrance filling the air. It's that
sickly sweet smell that I still remember all of these years later...
The smell of honey, and cherry blossoms, and Death. The same fragrance
that I remember from that day. I used to think it meant he had visited
me as I slept.

I'll see you again...

 

Sooooooo... This might be my last post for a while. Long story short, my internet has been cancelled and it will be a MINIMUM of two weeks until we can get another service. Hmm... Pass year 12 with no internet? <s>may as well kill myself now </s> yeah, sure, no worries.

 

So basically I'm screwed, and while I would love to keep email posting from school.... I really can't afford to at the moment. Much to Kelsey's <s>enjoyment</s> disappointment.

 

That being said, if I email post again in the next few weeks you'll all have the enjoyment *cough* of reading all about my annoyance.

 

So this is me, ciao for now. (just so you know, that sounded cooler in my head :P)

 

PS, Kel, I'm looking forward to reading your rant and rave blog about me so that I can comment and call you a bitch :D Love chooooooo

In response to shootingatspiders' comment on my previous blog. This is the poem to which she refered:
 
There are only two feelings, Love and fear:
There are only two languages, Love and fear:
There are only two activities, Love and fear:
There are only two motives, two procedures,
two frameworks, two results, Love and fear,
Love and fear.
-Michael Leuing

---

Sell your old one fast! Time for a new car?

can only make it seem alright...

 

i have so much I wish I was brave enough to share.... its like, hey, I keep this blog.. but how often am I honest except for if I'm like furious? if I'm not hideously angry about something... or upset... well then how much of this is just meaningless crap.

 

and how much of it do we even bother to read?

 

i mean.. gosh, don't we sometimes just look at it and think 'oh great, so-and-so is talking about this again' -tunes out-?

 

or maybe that's just me.

 

:S

 

so anyway... here's time for me to be honest. here's time for me to (maybe...?) be slightly insightful... but i don't know. this may fail... we'll see how we go. lol.

 

ineedyoutoknowthaticareandimissyou

 

yearly anniversaries of bad things suck.

 

good yearly anniversary thingos are good. but bad ones suck.

 

yay :D

 

you'veonelife,you'veonelife,you'veonelifelefttolead

 

i guess eventually you have to come to the point where you let go of things. where you let down the walls, let it out, let people in... where you make it ok. where you convince yourself that it doesn't matter.

 

but not just where you convince yourself it doesn't matter. where you actually get to the point where you're over it. where it truly doesn't matter anymore.

 

I mean of course it will hurt... but there comes a point where you have to channel grief. where you have to deal with it and get over it.

 

whatdirection?whatdirection?i'msplittingup!i'msplittingup!thisismypersonaldisaffection.

 

i suppose sometime you have to pick your battles. pick the ones that truly matter and let them fill you up. if you choose to be filled with grief and pain, don't you then live your life in a constant state of suffering and hurt? don't you then inject the same into the people around you, and indeed the others who care about you?

 

whatdirection?deathoraction?lifebeginsattheintersection!

 

I guess eventually we all have to make that choice. is a life of misery worthwhile? can being upset and hurt bring back the ones we love? or should we instead choose to learn from their mistakes? should we learn to let go of the pain we hold onto and fill ourselves instead with love and happiness and the support from others?

 

you'veonelife,you'veonelife,you'veonelifelefttolead...

 

if you died tomorrow, would you be happy with the way you've lived? or would you look back and wish that you'd done things differently? would you wish you'd been kinder to that person who is always mean to you? would you wish that you'd smiled more than you'd frowned? would you wish that you'd been the light in peoples' days instead of someone who tore them down? would you wish that you'd let go of your grief and instead been a happy person, who saw the good things in people rather than focusing all the time on the negatives? would you wish that you had taken chances, rather than being ruled by your fear?

 

don'tbothertrusting,don'tbotherwaiting,don'tbotherchangingthingsthatwon'tgiveintochange...

 

how many of us live by this? how many of us don't bother? we think 'oh never mind. they don't trust me, they don't care about me, so why should I?' why should we let other people in when they do everything in their power to keep up out? why try to change the unchangeable? But maybe if we stepped up, if we tried to trust people, if we let down our defences, if we made an attempt to change the things we don't like... couldn't we make a difference?

 

goon,getoutofmyhead,amialiveorjustdead?

 

Anyway.. I guess  I should stop attempting to be insightful now and get back to some studying... Thoughts anyone...? :S

 

coswhowewereisgoneforever,crushedundertheweightofmyfears,istillfeelthestingofmytears...

It was a year ago today since you said that.

A whole year since you told me you need me, you love me, you trust me, you want me more than anything or anyone else.

That's not to say you haven't told me those things since... That's simply saying it was that time that broke my heart.

It was that time that left me crying in my room for hours and hours, beating myself up over what I had allowed to happen. And so I vowed never to hurt anyone that much again...

I don't even know whether I've succeeded in that or not...

I love you.

---

Sell your old one fast! Time for a new car?

So. Challenge for this year dearies is this: COMMENT ON EVERY BLOG YOU READ.

i mean gosh, how depressing is it to log on and open your blog and go 'no one commented :( again :( i guess no one reads my blog.... :(' and we all think it. admit it.

so from now on, everyone comment on everyone elses. even if you have nothing to say and leave a random comment such as 'fish poo purple strepsils glass haribrush love you'

lets quit being so... idk. ..idk. lets just comment on each others blogs and make each other feel speciful :D

kthxbai

ps, louise staberfail and aberfail are great other names. staberfoyle is still best though.

Dear Last Ever First Day Back,

You were rather anticlimatic. All we heard all day was that we need to study and work hard and push ourselves and be good role models and reach our full potention rahrahrah. This of of course leads to me stressing myself out even more than I already was. That is at least until I got home and realised I don't even have any homework...

I guess it wasn't too bad.
Kthxbai

Dear Strepsils,

You soothe my throat with your Honey and Lemon-ey goodness. I think it's love. ♥

Kthxbai

Dear Queen Bitch-face,

I know you're in some weird funk at the moment and its making you hate everyone. But it would be really nice if you tried smiling and saying nothing instead of emotional abuse.

Kthxbai

Dear School,

I know it's weird. But I'm actually kinda looking forward to spending 5 days a week in you over about 32 weeks in the coming months (Jeez Leish, can't just say 'spending time in you' or something easier like that?). I mean, ask me in a week or two when the work has really started and I''m completely weighed down with assignments, and I may not necessarily agree with myself. In fact I'll probably plea temporary insanity........

Kthxbai

Dear Charming,

I know youre probably sick of me saying this... But I'm actually really kinda... Idk, annoyed? Weirded out? idk which... That my dad doesnt even know your fucking NAME! I mean, gosh.

How retarded.

I miss you :( even though I only just saw you yesterday... But still... :(

kthxbai xx

Dear Lady GaGa,

What exactly is a Disco Stick?

That is all.

Dear Bratty Little Children,

The term is 'Rewind' not 'Fast-Backwards'.

Kthxbai

Dear whats-your-face,

You're pissing me off. Like seriously. There were points today where I could have screamed at you. I really don't like being taken for granted by people. So you know... If you want to be my friend, can you be my friend all the time and not just when there's no one else? Yeh? Cos if not that's fine. Just... Don't pretend to like me and bitch behind my back. Cos I really do not have the patience to deal with back-stabbing and bitching this year. So if that's the way you're going to behave then you can stay away from me.

Kthxbai

Dear Gitterbell,

Looking at some of your pics is reminding me of how much fun some of this holidays has been. It's flown by so fast. Let's make this year a good year too, mmk??

Kthxbai

Dear Bitch,

You made me break my promise not to bitch :\

Cut it out mmk?

Kthxbai

Big Week Out is over for another year. That makes me quite sad... I don't know if i wrote about BWO last year or not. But I do have a little to say this year.

For those of you who don't know what it is BWO is basically a week where youth from the local churches come together and worship and serve the community. which may not sound like much fun. but it is. exhausting, yet fun.

so this week i sprained my wrist. And i know, you're all thinking 'how? some strenuous heavy lifting? you fell over?' but to be honest, i did it doing nothing. i know. how boring. couldn't i have done it like... i don't know... falling off a unicycle or something? at least that would have been interesting...? lol.

anyway. basically what this means is that for most of the week I've only had the use of one hand, being my left hand. and I'm right handed and rather heavily reliant on the use of my right hand. which means that I've been having fun trying to remember not to wave, hi five people, open doors, open bags, open drink bottles, paint train station murals, dance, and babysit (and probably many more that i cant think of right now) with my right hand, but rather struggling to do all of the above things with my inadequate left hand.

i suppose this event is one that impacts on my personal growth. and especially on my relationship with god... i guess even though its so tiring, strenuous and at times downright stressful and frustrating, the week has essentially been very refreshing for me. i suppose i needed it. although up until i got there i was still going 'oh... i don't know... maybe I'd be better off working... and sleeping in.. and seeing Charming... and new people, new people are scary, do i have to meet new people?'

but i have to say, some of the new people I've met are amazing. some of the people i already knew but have gotten to know that much better are amazing. and the opportunity to build these relationships over a week of working together is just awesome.

one particular day, i visited a nursing home with a group of five of us (including spike) where we attended a birthday party for three elderly residents and visited for a while with a lovely lady named Betty who showed us all of this craft work that she'd made including these adorable eggs and some photos of her great-grandkids. after said nursing home visit our group still had about an hour to kill so we decided to go to woodcroft shopping centre on the way home. we decided to go to a cafe thingo and get a coffee or whatever and sit around and chat until it was time to head back. i bought a pepsi. and then bought a milkshake for another guy in our group cos hes only like in yr 9... wait. no going into yr 10 this year. and had like not money and stuff. and i was like aww its not fair that we're all sitting here eating and drinking and shit and he isnt. so i bought him a milkshake. and then later in the car on the way back our leader asked us what the best thing about our day was. and this guy said 'well personally i really enjoyed my milkshake.' basically im sharing this story cos it made me happy. lol. the fact that he enjoyed the milkshake and that i bought it for him idk... he was just realy appreciative of it. and idk... when people are that grateful about a milkshake, you know you've done a good thing.

anywhoooo... im off now.

ps, like my new blog template? i totally do :D

soooo. i was thinking. we should really rewatch some disney movies. see i was reading this article...

• a scene in The Little Mermaid where the priest has an erection
• in the little mermaid: watch carefully at the beginning when King Triton swoops down over the crowd. After he passes across the screen, below him and to his left Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy can be seen sitting in the crowd.
• in aladdin: in a scene where Aladdin is attempting to woo Jasmine and Rajah the tiger is accosting him, Aladin is heard saying, "Good teenagers take off their clothes."
• The Lion King: The word SEX is supposedly formed in the clouds above Simba's head after he watches his father die.

these are just some examples. so you know, i was thinking... seeing as i certainly havent seen disney movies in quite some time... maybe we should rewatch them some time and see if any of this is actually true. will totally laugh my arse off if there is serious adult humour in the movies i loved as a kid.

ps, i managed to hack into my neighbours internet. hurray for me.

EDIT

and i just found this and thought you guys might be interested...
this is the original cover for The Little Mermaid

if you look closely inside the red circle (zoomed in to the right) there is a rather ummm... -blushes- interestingly shaped object right in the middle of the castle.

this is actually hilarious.

Things you don't know:

• i cry everytime you leave me for it
• it makes me feel insecure when my company is not as important to you as some fantasy world
• i say things i dont mean in moments of disappointment or insecurities
• One Tree Hill makes me cry sometimes... that's part of the reason i watch it. among other shows/movies that make me cry.
• somehow crying over fake peoople's lives seems less pathetic than crying about my own...
• i would rather be miserable than make you unhappy or than stop you from doing something you want to do.
• some days i almost wonder whats more important. i know its stupid... but... never mind.
  
• i still think that a lot of people's lives would be better, easier and more carefree if they'd never met me... yours especially.
• maybe your lives would be better if i didnt even exist...
• and more importantly than all of this, im sorry for this post and im sorry it will probably just get you more pissed off with me but... im sorry. its just... the way i feel i guess. and i should have just said it. but i didnt. cos hey, im a sucker for tears right? anything to hurt myself more.
  
• maybe you should just leave me...
  

the name of this blog has officially changed.

because this year has to be about finding myself again.

i need to find who i am again. i need to figure my life out. i need to find myself.

***

they say we leave this world the way we came into it - naked and alone.

so if we leave with nothing, what then is the measure of a life? is it defined by the people we choose to love? Or is life simply measured by our accomplishments?

or what if we fail? or are never truly loved? what then? can we ever measure up? or will the quiet desperation on a life gone by wanting. drive us mad...?

did you ever wonder is we make the moments in our life or if the moments in our life make us?

Henry James once wrote : 'be not afraid of life. believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.'

i'm 18 next year this year. Legally an adult. But surely thst can't be right. I'm just a child. We're all just kids...

It's not supposed to be this way. Not yet. Not for years. Not until we're old. Not til we're adults. Not til we're 18. Which is.... This year apparently... For me anyway.

I'm not ready to be ending high school. I'm not ready to choose the direction of my life. I'm not ready for uni preferences and TER scores and growing up.

I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know. And I can't keep saying 'i'll work it all out in year 12'. Cos guess what sunshine. This is year 12. Year 12 is now.

We can't wait for it. We can't go 'it's ages away'. We can't run from it. We can't hide. Because it's not ages away now. It's here. It's now.

This is the crucial year. This is the year I need to do well in my classes. This is the year I need to get good grades and ace exams and special studies. This is the year I need to decide what I want to study for the next four or so years. This is the year I fight for what I want in my life.

But first I need to work out what the hell it is I want.

Of all things, the only thing I'm sure of is that I want him.

And amazingly, by some miracle; I'm almost positive he wants me too. Forever.

Aside from that... I guess I'm just a mystery. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I don't know where my life is going.

I can't shake this weird feeling I've got in the pit of my stomach that this year will be bad. Good. But bad. There will be happy moments. But... Something in me has this weird feeling that this year is going to be filled with despair. And suffering. And pain.

I hope to hell that this is just a feeling... That it will pass. And that everything will be fine. I think that by now we all deserve a bit of a break for the hardest year of our schooling. That being said, I don't feel like many other people are involved. I think this is about me.

But I don't know if I can take a hard year.

I don't know if I can fight through pain at the same time as keeping my grades up, achieving my goals.

You know. Maybe that's the reason behind my questions last night... Not that I'm saying one of us will die. Because that cannot happen. I will not let that happen.

But this year will mean something. Something will happen this year. Something to change things.

I don't know how I know this. I don't. I just know it. Something is going to happen this year.
-8 days-

First things of this year...

First Movie: The Young Victoria

First TV Show: One Tree Hill

First Song: When The Day Met The Night - Panic

First Food: potato bake

First Drink: Non-Alchoholic Champagne

First Hug: Louise

First Mistake: umm.. not making louise go outside before she spilt non-alcoholic champagne all over my floor

First Word: 'Happy New Year'
First Lie: 'Louise's parents are just at a family friends place in One Tree Hill, staying the night'

First Blog Entry: This one :)

First Cool Idea: umm, havent had one yet...