Thursday, February 4, 2010

the walls that i create...

can only make it seem alright...
i have so much I wish I was brave enough to share.... its like, hey, I keep this blog.. but how often am I honest except for if I'm like furious? if I'm not hideously angry about something... or upset... well then how much of this is just meaningless crap.
and how much of it do we even bother to read?
i mean.. gosh, don't we sometimes just look at it and think 'oh great, so-and-so is talking about this again' -tunes out-?
or maybe that's just me.
so anyway... here's time for me to be honest. here's time for me to (maybe...?) be slightly insightful... but i don't know. this may fail... we'll see how we go. lol.
yearly anniversaries of bad things suck.
good yearly anniversary thingos are good. but bad ones suck.
yay :D
i guess eventually you have to come to the point where you let go of things. where you let down the walls, let it out, let people in... where you make it ok. where you convince yourself that it doesn't matter.
but not just where you convince yourself it doesn't matter. where you actually get to the point where you're over it. where it truly doesn't matter anymore.
I mean of course it will hurt... but there comes a point where you have to channel grief. where you have to deal with it and get over it.
i suppose sometime you have to pick your battles. pick the ones that truly matter and let them fill you up. if you choose to be filled with grief and pain, don't you then live your life in a constant state of suffering and hurt? don't you then inject the same into the people around you, and indeed the others who care about you?
I guess eventually we all have to make that choice. is a life of misery worthwhile? can being upset and hurt bring back the ones we love? or should we instead choose to learn from their mistakes? should we learn to let go of the pain we hold onto and fill ourselves instead with love and happiness and the support from others?
if you died tomorrow, would you be happy with the way you've lived? or would you look back and wish that you'd done things differently? would you wish you'd been kinder to that person who is always mean to you? would you wish that you'd smiled more than you'd frowned? would you wish that you'd been the light in peoples' days instead of someone who tore them down? would you wish that you'd let go of your grief and instead been a happy person, who saw the good things in people rather than focusing all the time on the negatives? would you wish that you had taken chances, rather than being ruled by your fear?
how many of us live by this? how many of us don't bother? we think 'oh never mind. they don't trust me, they don't care about me, so why should I?' why should we let other people in when they do everything in their power to keep up out? why try to change the unchangeable? But maybe if we stepped up, if we tried to trust people, if we let down our defences, if we made an attempt to change the things we don't like... couldn't we make a difference?
Anyway.. I guess  I should stop attempting to be insightful now and get back to some studying... Thoughts anyone...? :S


shootingatspiders said...

true, very true.
I keep coming back to the poem, Love and Fear, Love and Fear. Always one or the other, dichotomous key, fork in the road A or B, left or right, Love or Fear.
How often we just default to the latter without even pausing to breath, let alone think...

Serena said...

i don't like poetry. you probably don't agree, and of course, that's awesome... but, i think that poetry put's us in a place that generalizes too much, and feels too much of the same thing. i also don't like abstract art and stupid expressions like "it hit me like a bus"... i mean, if it hit you like a bus you'd be in straight forward dangit! i also don't like snails on my skin, and fish. Fish are BAD.

Serena said...

and yes... I think you're right about everything else.

Leish said...

shadi im not really a poetry person either lol.

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