i get. you love her. you want to look after her. you want to protect her. i get it.

but you have no consideration at all for the way other people might be feeling.

that had nothing at all to do with her. that should have been fairly obvious. if you read it, it would have been obvious. and if you had read it, it also would have been obvious that i was going through some shit at the moment and that i didn't really need you making accusations.

thank you. thank you so much.

im sick of it. im sick of people judging me. im sick of people talking shit about me. im sick of people putting me down. im sick of having no sense of self worth because everytime i start to build myself up, people tear me down. so thank you. thank you so much.
-1 day-

because you don't trust me. even though im pretty much the most compliant person on the earth. as glitter says; im incapable of saying no.



hey, can i hurt you? sure, go right ahead. just watch it, im still a little sore from last time. oh wait, you just hit that spot. of course.



hey, can i take everything you've got? of course, no problem.



hey, can i tear your heart out? go right ahead.



can i rip you to shreds and leave you in pieces on the ground? sure, what else have i got to do with my life other than pick up the torn shreds of what i was before you came anywhere near me?
-29 days-

so, school is over for another term. which is great and awful at the same time. I only have to work for the first and last weekends of the holiday and there is no school... so looking forward to monday. first chance to 'sleep' in since last holidays. which shall be nice...

but there is so much work to do. im kind of freaking out cos i dont know when im going to find time to do any work this holidays. i also have to get a whole bunch of email addresses from Green Team people (church kids who volunteer at schoolies week) for a tourism assignment that i should have started already... i have to find the time to build a model of the freaking STONEHENGE of all things. not to mention write a 2000 word comparitive essay on two books, one of which i havent even gotten around to re-reading yet. and on top of all of this, im hardly going to be at home all holidays. when the hell am i going to find time...?

-sigh-

another term over, and still i feel like i have hardly achieved anything. what has changed since last holidays? i mean, for crying out loud, its the end of freaking september and i havent DONE anything this year. i mean what use have i made of the past nine months? nothing.

and no, for the record, im not one of the three or four pregnant people we know at the moment. that is NOT what i have done in the past nine months :p

plus, i was supposed to go out tomorrow night... and now i dont know if i can... :'( which means that i have to find a way to tell serena that i cant come and she might be disappointed. well, im disappointed anyway........

cos the football is on. which means i cant get there. and then we have people over for dinner. which means i cant get home. and i have work the next morning at 8. which means i cant just sleep over. and you moved to freaking Klemzig. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US? sorry... i know its not your fault... :(

anyway, today over all was a little shitty. and im sorry to anyone who i was grouchy with/am yet to be grouchy with.

in other news, i now have super mario galaxy on my phone :D

Merry Holidays Everyone! and to all a... not so happy new term...?

-27 days-

sometimes i feel lost
in a sea of insecurities
that rages inside of me
so terribly cold

and the waves of self rejection
make me question
my abilities
where's the fire that always burned?
-24 days-

tonight i'll lie awake, feeling empty...

the rain pours down outside, big black drops bursting on the ground, collecting in the pools of depair, matching those of the dark tears in my heart. i sat in that room wishing that i could let the tears spill over, invade the world and leave me lying in broken pieces. i wished the people would all disappear and leave me, leave me to cry, to let out the gut-wretching sobs i felt waiting to escape. and yet dispite all of the people, i had never felt so alone before in my life...

but if i'm without you then i will feel so small...
-23 days-

I remember her when she was sweet and innocent. back when both of us had OCD and used to spend out lunch times cleaning our trays and sneaking into the classroom to get skipping ropes without getting caught.

And yet tonight i'm with her, she keeping me away from Princess cos she hates her (sorry babe, but you know... lucky you? lol), dancing, her telling not only me, but also anyone else who will listen that she's busy juggling eight guys and that she's going to get laid before her next birthday.

to be fair, she does have five on the go, an ex chasing her and two others supposedly chasing her.

her life is... well crazy. she's gone from being sweet and innocent to.. well to be frank, a bit of a skank. we're dancing and she says things like 'i should have worn more slutty clothes' and 'ohh that guy is hot... i want to hook up with someone while im here.'

she complained that i wouldnt let her take her shirt off. and im like... how often do you dance shirtless...? :S

she was telling me about all her various hook ups. and how her best friend was practising undoing bras on her and decided to grope her. and how she was at the beach with another guy and how he undid her bikini and felt her up on the beach.

about one of the guys shes sort of dating who wants to hook up with her, grope her and finger her in front of his friends.

she made me help her decide which guys she's going to convince to have sex with her. she told me about all of her drunken parties...

she told me about the internet guys and her exes.

and my god...

im sorta scared... :S

in other news, i miss him :(
-20 days-

what i've been searching for...

I'm sorry I'm not very supportive
And that I don't always understand
I'm sorry I'm distracting
And that I don't always take your hand

I'm sorry I'm easily confused
And that I never know the right thing to say
I'm sorry that I'm easily upset
And that I sometimes take things the wrong way

I'm sorry I'm hard to get along with
And that I'm not always in a good mood
I'm sorry that I am often grumpy
And that I can't think of anything that rhymes aside from 'food'

I'm sorry I'm not too fun to spend tiome with
And that sometimes I just don't give a fuck
I'm sorry I'm a stress head
And that all of my poems suck

-18 days-

**Long Post Alert**

we broke up.

and you're all thinking 'you WHAT?!'

no, Charming and i didn't break up. well... not recently anyway...

but thats what i want to talk about...

i was telling him a second ago, that normally when someone knows me as well as he does, i go running in the opposite direction. but then i started thinking, and i realised, i havent done very much running recently. most of you know me better than i realised. you all know the tiniest little details of my life. and i havent run, i havent screamed, i havent cried, i havent stressed. because i realised, i trust each and everyone of you with the things you know.

you know i used to not trust anyone. and it got me in shit. it pulled my life apart because i couldnt trust even the people closest to me. and i realised it was no way to live. that i couldnt do it anymore. and probably none of you even realised the change in me.

so i decided something. i havent run screaming, i havent cried, i havent stressed. because i trust everyone. i give everyone my complete and utter trust and respect, and its up to you if you break it.

it's his fault you know. he showed me that i could trust the people who tried to get close to me. and so i started opening up, i started trusting. im getting better at it lol.

***

anyway... that wasn't the point of this blog, but good for you all to know anyway...

and now i dont remember what the point was.

shit.

***

10 mins later

ahh thats right -remembers- sorry, today is not a great day for my brain. ...then again most days aren't...

we broke up.

i was talking about break ups with an absolutely gorgeous friend of mine the other day... and she said something to me that sort of surprised me. she told me 'sorry.' and it took me a moment to work out what she was apologising for. until she explained that at the time she didn't understand where i was. that at the time she didn't understand how a breakup could feel like the end of the world, like you'd lost half of yourself... and how without that other half you just... I just couldnt work right.

breaking up with him... was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life. sitting there, standing there, watching him read, trying to explain... trying to hold myself together so that he didn't have to watch me break down...

i have never had to do anything that hard in my life. i have never had to hurt another person that much in my life.

and yet, even though i broke apart his entire world he was still looking out for me, trying to make sure that I was okay...

anyway, what im trying to say is that i don't think you can realise until you've been there... until that other person is... well, everything to you. and even then, you think about how it would be to live without them, you imagine having to survive everyday without them... and you feel pain... but just thinking about it isnt enough. just thinking about it is shit painful. it would make any sane person refuse, hold on tighter.

but when you have no choice... when that is what has to happen... you do it.

and living without them is much harder than you could have even imagined. when you've done it, and its over, and he is no longer yours... the despair that comes crashing down on you is... well its a pain worse than i had ever imagined. and holding myself together while i was still with him... was the hardest thing i've ever done.

I left him with Glitter, trusting the person i love the most in the world to her care. trusting her to be there for him, to look after him for me... because i couldnt do it anymore. and i got on a bus and cried, the entire way to Princess' house... before sitting there in near silence, just needing to be with someone who loved me. and i will always be eternally grateful to these two amazing girls for that... although i suppose when i said always that kinda made eternally unnecessary huh?

oh well. thats not the point.

anyway, i was talking to this friend the other day, the one who apologised. and she said to me 'back then i just didn't understand. it didn't make sense to me that you didn't just bounce back. that you weren't just... over it.' or something to that effect anyway. but she understands now.

and im grateful for that.

he is... the best thing that has ever happened to me. the most amazingly wonderful person i could ever know. and for some crazy reason... he loves me. and you know what? i love him. i love him so much... being apart from him every day kills me... but, i survive, knowing that soon i might get to see him again. and one day, i'll never have to leave him...

-16 days-

i am monica.

seriously. i was watching friends and in season 10 there's this scene where monica and pheobe are trying to avoid seeing this chick who used to live in their building that they don't like who has just moved back from england. and this chick calls monica and chandlers apartment and monica and pheobe are standing around listening to her message and then chandler picks up on the other line and monica has to talk to her.

and so she says no, this chick cant come over then. its a bad time.

but then she goes 'sure, dinner tomorrow night counds great'

and when she hangs up pheobe is all like 'YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAY NO!'

and she goes 'I couldn't say no to her twice in a row. i just have this uncommon need to please people...'

whoops...

-14 days-

-14 days...-

i forgot. i went out and had fun with my friends. while somewhere there is an ambulance with a body in it. while the girl from down the street tries to shake off the memories of coming home from school to find them. while three ambulances return to the hospital. while four marked police cars and one unmarked police car return to their various homes, their occupants shaking off the memory of the house, the scene, the crying girl, the comforting guy...

i went out and had fun... i forgot about it. while her life was being changed forever. she'll probably never set foot in that house again. she'll have to move.

there were sirens all afternoon. neighbours poking their heads out doors, peering through curtains... conveniently going for walks.

death sucks...
-13 days-

**long post alert**

i don't think i have very strong will power.

at this point you're probably all just sitting there thinking 'yeah, no shit leish'

which is probably deserved.

I say to myself, no, i won't do that. I won't buy my lunch, i'll just pack a sandwich. i won't get a coffee after school. i can go home and make a crappy instant if i need coffee that badly. i won't eat that chocolate. i don't need that book, or those earrings or those shoes.

i won't spend money today.

i won't eat junk today.

in fact maybe i won't eat at all today.

but then lunch time rolls around and 'hey come to the canteen with me' and i think 'sure, im hungry'

then we sign out after psych and we automatically head for the cafe. we're regulars you know.

then i remember the block of chocolate in my bag, or the packet of choc chips, bought for the purpose of making cookies.

then i pass another shop.......

i'm very easily talked into things. like for instance i'll be at work thinking 'oh my god...i'm not going to survive this shift without caffine... i know, coke.' and then i have to say to someone, 'tell me i dont want a coke' because as soon as i hear someone say 'leish you dont want a coke' im fine. i can convince myself from that that no, i don't want a coke.

but then i have the problem that i cant finish anything. i'll buy a coke, and i'll put it away half drunk at the end of my shift. i'll have a muffin after work (that i really dont need. my god if you knew how long on an exercise bike it takes to work off half the food we consume i swear to god we'd all be anorexic) and i only eat the top, cos a) its the best part, and b) i cant eat the rest.

went to the cafe with Glitter today, and got a cappucino (free, cos we're regulars. and i have a loyalty card. yay) and i could only drink half of it. so i gave her the rest. then decided i wanted a drink, which i couldnt drink all of either even though it was only like 335 mLs.

i spend money too freely. lend it to people too freely. waste it too freely.

because im not strong willed enough to save it enough.

if i saved every cent i earned i could probably afford a lot more of what i need to buy by now. you know i can almost afford a laptop now. merely because i've set up a thingy on my bank account to automatically move money as soon as i get payed. if i trusted myself with it then the money just gets moved back and i use it. i have too many things to pay to be good at juggling money.

i intend to start my driving lessons soon i guess... although it probably wont be til after christmas... so that i can get my P's. not that i'll be able to drive. cos i dopnt have money to buy a car.

but i'll get there. eventually.

anyway. the point is, i am making an effort to change shit in my life. as of now. im not even going to take my wallet anywhere with me anymore. and when i do, its going to have a limited amount of cash. im going to eat healthier again. im going to do more exercise. im going to lose weight. im sick of being fat. im sick of being abused for being fat. and im sick of feeling fat. im sick of looking like crap and feeling like crap and feeling like i look like crap.'

and im going to do more homework dammit. more drafts for everything. no repeats of my fail earlier last week...

wish me luck.... :S

-11 days-

I am so ready to just give up and scream. I hate homework. I just... Cant do it. im going to drop out of school. seriously. whats the point? i'll just... fuck. i dont know. fi'll come up with something to do with my life. something that dopesnt require school. :\

just... fuck.

-11 days-

so i just thought i should inform you all that i has a new follower and that excites me cos he's cool like all my other lovely followers who for some crazy reason are interested in the shit boring crap that i post here.

-whispers and waves excitedly- hi ben

-10 days-

you know the problem with other people's pain? the fact that you cant fix it. you cant take it away. you cant share the burden. there is nothing, nothing, that you can do to take it away or make it better.

there is no pain like hers. and nothing that i can do to help her, to fix it, to make it better. all that i have the power to do is be there. and that makes me really sad. i wish that i could take it away, lift her burden on my own shoulders and suffer her hurt myself just so that she doesnt have to go through that.

she's going to have to live with that pain for the rest of her life. the pain of losing a child she hadn't even been given the chance to get to know yet. all because of him and what he did.

-10 days-

im seriously considering deleteing this blog, but i'll probably just keep writing crap that noone reads or cares about... -shrug- sometimes I wonder what the point is....

-9 days-

Again he hit her. Harder and harder. Each blow brought a sharper pain into her stomach. 'You stupid selfish whore!' he cried out, hitting her harder, harder. 'How could you disgrace this family?' One more sharp punch and she fell to the ground, weeping.












Her baby was a stillborn.

-8 days-

totally the most awkward conversation ever to overhear:

Some chick listening to her iPod and talking on her mobile outside Muffin Break.

'...I'm getting lunch and istening to lesbian music. (pause) Yeah, The L Word soundtrack. I'm working on becoming lesbian again. (laughs) I'm just kidding. I'm still going to drive stick. (pause) That's what happens when you're a cock whore. You can't just give it up cold turkey...'

Meanwhile I turn to Alice and we both smother laughs.


-8 days-

Dear Serena,

i miss you... i wants to see you, i wants a hug... i love you. and i hope everything is okay.

Love you lots,

Love leish
---

Just to clarify to anyone who read my previous post, i love him and he loves me, we're both just weird and have celebrity crushes lols.

-6 days-

Okay, so none of you want to read about this i know. but i intend to tell you anyway. after all, what is the point of having a blog if not to annoy you all with random details of my life that none of you want to hear? of course... that would be the reasoning if people actually read this shit.

Anywho, the point is, i was lying on my bed talking to Glitter. When i suddenly looked down and before i could stop it, in another feat of verbal diarrhoea I blurted out 'MY BOOBS SUDDENLY LOOK BIGGER'.

Next thing i knew i was hit by a pillow.

In other news, Glitter has also decided that Ben Feldman looks like my boyfriend. However, i don't really see the resemblance although apparently im the only one. anyway, the point is i love ben feldman -giggles-. however, charming takes the cake acos i love him betterer.


however, i has an excuse, he's like in love with kirsten dunst, to whom i could never compare. :D Anywho, ya'll has a good night :D

-6 days-

everything is burning down, everything is falling apart, everythign is crumbling beneath our feet...

'Its like chasing the very last train when we both know it's too late...'

its like a chain reaction.

one thing falls apart, and the rest crumbles after it...

-5 days-

i just want to be with him... just for a while... is that really so much to ask...?

-4 days-

how could i fail? I've never failed anything in my life. I'm scared of failing. the lowest grade i ever got was like... a high C. I'm not happy with 15 out of 20... how the hell am i supposed to be happy with a fail if i cant be happy with a 15 out of 20?

You know i was having a great day before that. psych was fun; laughing about lesbian orgies and spaghetti girls.

even english was fun, right up until the end. when i found out i had failed something. that was a bit of a mood dampener. and i then spent lunch thinking of different ways to kill the rockmuncher for failing me for not including a storyline summary (which she had told me not to include)

during biology my relief teacher picked up my story notebook and read the prologue and the start of the first chapter of a story im starting to write and randomly decided iu should send it to womens weekly and went on about how theyd pay me good money for it. something about a few thousand dollars while i sat there thinking 'bullshit' lol. anywho, if you want to read the prologue (and the rest of it as i write it) go here.

And yeah... Now im going to clean my room and it shall be fun :D

-4 days-

i'd like to believe that things get better. You know, that one day things wouldnt be quite so bad... maybe...

but maybe that is just wishful thinking.

i feel awful for the people affected by all of these tragedies... you know... the ones that happened over the weekend, today... all those that will ever happen. and thinking about how these things affects the people close to them... thinking about how death affects the people close to them... it just draws up old memories...

sorry, i probably sound selfish and like im turning other peoples problems around so that theyre all about me. thats not my intention.

im sorry. im so sorry you have to go through it. thats all....

i want to go to sleep. i can forget everything then... everything is safe when i'm asleep in his arms...

i wish...

-3 days-

death is...

i dont even know how to finish that sentence...

-3 days-