otherwise i might have been more understanding. even though you didnt realise (until you read this eventually i guess) that you left me crying at my desk. not that that was up to you really... But... yeah...

the weekend you say...? but the weekend is so far away... does friday constitute as the weekend? not that i'll be home until after 10.15 anyway...

or that i'll be home til 3 on saturday. or 6 on sunday...

in fact.. i am going to stop right there. because the path my thoughts are following is just getting more and more pathetic.

i love you. don't ever question that.

okay so anyone who wants to give me opinions on these colours, please do. lol. no, i wont explain why even though im sure you can all guess easily ~blushes~

i like them regardless lol but i'd still love your opinions

i feel like blogging. but i dont know what to say. except that i love simone. she is my sexy lesbian valentine. teehee. (we're not really lesbian just for the record =P)

you know whats fun? embarrassing people. Like for instance talking about love triagles. Even though we were saying that in the case of lisa its a love octagon cos so many guys like her. But embarrassing certain people who've been involved in a couple of interesting love triangles in the past couple of years. its quite funny making louise go bright red. yay.

teehee.

my blog is blocked on school computers. that makes me so sad. and so mad. im so smad. (and lame lol)

but seriously waaaaaa.

now people cant log on during school and read my many posts about my boring life.

anyway... maybe i should stop with the middle of the night messages eh? or stop talking to you so much on msn... that make get rid of the suspicions i guess.... but... that means not talking to you so much... And i dont get to talk to you enough as is. ):

so i suppose thats out. i guess they can put up with their suspicions and we'll keep neither confirming nor denying them.

although i dont really know...

anyway for those of you who have no idea what i was talking about im changing the subject now anyway.

so im supposed to be doing work in the library but i cant think of any work i actually have that needs completing. so im just... not...

i was writing some more of my story and i wrote like... two sentences. Yep. a whole twenty four words. lol. such a productive lesson.

and the rest of the day will be pretty boring too. nothing interesting going on, and no lessons that require much work.

anyway

recess

going

bye

lol

i make things hard, i know i do it. I screw things up and mess things around and make erveything stupid.

And for that i am sorry.

It makes me feel so bad to know what i must put people through but... I cant ignore this anymore. i cant keep fighting so hard to be perfect and i cant keep fighting so hard to just automatically be good. because i fail so so often and then i feel worse than i did before.

To the extent where i sit at my desk and force myself to stay attatched to my chair, not moving because i dont trust myself anymore.

I did once but i dont anymore.

I dont know who i trust anymore. or what i trust or...

i dont know who wont hurt me.

i dont know who i wont hurt.

i dont know what im doing anymore.

like the wizard of oz, she's learned that if you spend long enough hiding behind a carefully composed curtain of bluff and principle, eventually people stop trying to figure out who you are in the first place.

she's learned that if they need a heart, they need a brain, they need anything... they'll take hers.

and she can't fight it anymore.

maybe she should stop caring at all. considering no one even really knows anyway.

maybe just like the wizard of oz she's too afraid to put her true self on the line, because she knows that people won't like what they see...

okay so i totally dont have time to be blogging i should be doing legal studies work but oh well... lol. that line is just so weird. i mean... is it like encouraging you to kill them rather than divorce them? like what the hell?

Being silent is actually sorta easier than i expected. theres so many painted white faces walking around our school today, all in protest of slavery in south america and asia and africa and such.

teehee me and louise have our mime act pretty well sorted... its kinda weird though. i was doing that fake box thing, you know where you reach your hands out around you and pretend to reach walls as though youre in a box? yeah... and to be honest right now thats what i feel like. like im shoved in a box. for some people its a box of treasured possessions to be keep special and safe, while others have me in a box of worthless bits and pieces that theyre waiting to throw out, or just push to the back of a cupboard and forget about.

i feel like i cant show most of you who i am anymore... for fear of the rejection i got when i actually started being me, when i came out of my shell a bit and stopped being so completely fake. and now i've lost some of the more important people in my life... and im too scared to really be me anymore because im so so afraid that the rest of you will leave me too...

face paint is itchy. lol.

she said:

'hey gorgeous. i just felt like i needed to let you know how beautiful and valuable you are. I wanted to encourage you that whatever situation you may be facing, however big it may seem, it is not impossible to get through! Thinking of you, Love your sister in Christ Xxx.'

This is a girl who i adore. Who i haven't spoken to in about a month and a half. And yet... somehow, she's able to say just what i needed to hear. She told me that God had put my name on her heart and that she'd been praying for me especially hard for the past week or two.

Well, babe I miss you. A lot. Love you always, your sister in Christ (: Xxx

'What do I do?' he murmured, unaware he'd spoken aloud until he heard her answer.

'You survive,' she whispered. 'You do what they wouldn't do. You know I used to sit around looking for a way to make sense of what had happened, like there was some kind of answer i could find if i just looked hard enough. Then one day i realised that if there had been one, he would still be here. And i wondered if this... this feeling that i couldn't figure it all out... was what he had been feeling too. I still dont get why he did it, and i still don't like that he did it; but at least i understand a little better what was going through his head.'

okay, so as some of you know, my life has been a leeetle bit of a mess lately (need proof? look at previous blog entries). I have made a mess of a few things and i am so so sorry for that. i've let things slip, i've let friendships that i've started to really value fall apart. so... i suppose this is a bit of an apology to a few of you, my only hope is that you'll read this and forgive me.

Person 1: i loved getting to know you properly since the start of this year. cos, even though i liked you well enough before, it was sort of... err... difficult to get to know you. and i think you know what i mean by that. but we started talking, and had some really great chats this year and i started really liking you. but i think i've sort of neglected that friendship a bit lately. and i am so sorry about that. i honestly didnt mean to, and i honestly didnt mean to hurt you in anyway. i just... hope you can forgive me for that cos i really am sorry and your friendship is one of the only things that has got me through all of this shit.

Person 2: i still have no idea what i did. because you wont tell me. because nobody will tell me. but im sorry. im so sorry. for whatever it may be. for what ever i have done to hurt you i am so so sorry. i would never intentionally hurt you. ever. please believe that.

Person 3: i put you in a really awkward position. and i know that. and im so sorry. it wasnt ever you fight, it was ours. but because we're so connected to you, we dragged you into it with us. and im so sorry for that. im so sorry that you had to put up with both sides of this. one side would have been more than enough.

Person 4 and 5: im sorry you guys had to be involved in this at all. that was hardly fair, but i needed someone to spill to. and you guys mean a lot to me, i knew youd be there for me. im so sorry that you had to be pulled into this and listen to me go on about it. that wasnt fair.

Person 6: thank you. for just being there in the past few days. and well, much longer than that as well. but especially the past few days. i appreciated it. and im sorry for making you listen to my shit constantly.

Person 6 (again lol) and 7: thanks for last night. thank you both so much. i needed that, a chance to unwind a little and laugh for a moment. thanks for the hugs, much much appreciate and person 7, you have just joined my list of guys who give the best hugs lol. not that i didnt already know that but still. thanks for stopping me when i was about to run off and find somewhere quiet to cry. thank you both for cheering me up a little bit. (:

Person 8: thank you. for cheering me up like only you can. thank you so much. i dont know where i'd be right now if it wasnt for you. im sorry you had to listen to me go on about all my various issues. but thank you for being there for me. thank you so much. (:

Person 9: you know im sorry. and i know you think i shouldnt be sorry to you. but come on, please just help me fix it. you're the only one who can help me actually FIX this crap. so please... just do what you can to help me.

I really do love you all. very much.

<3

I'm feeling so crazy lately when it seems that you're not around. The sun and the moon shine bright but my eyes are all yours now. Don't know how I lived with out you, I don't remember how it used to feel. I can't imagine if I had no you to hold me...

Where would I go with no you to run to? No you to hold me when I am afraid? Who would I be with no you beside me? I oughta know it by now without you, there's no me.

When I need you, you're always there, to stay through the laughter, love through the tears and when my heart seems so far away into your arms is where I want to stay. I try to find the words to tell you all the things my heart's been telling me. I don't wanna know how it feels to have no you to love me...

Where would I go with no you to run to?No you to hold me when I am afraid? Where would I be with no you beside me? I ought to know it by now without you...

There is no me...

everything is fucked up straight from the heart. tell me, what do i do when it all falls apart?

I dont know who my real friends are anymore. Cos i put all of my faith in you. Well, that was a stupid thing to do. Trust me, i've learnt my lesson. It used to be hard for me to trust people. Ever. And then i started to trust again. A combination of a few of you. I started to really trust you guys, to really give people pieces of me... and now... now im scared to trust anybody.

Now i have no idea where i stand with anyone really...

i have no idea what you all think of me and i have no idea what im supposed to have done, but im sorry. im sorry for all this shit. and im sorry you hate me. i wish you didnt... i miss you...

one thing i've learnt in the past few months, is that when it rains, it pours...

i wish i could get inside your head to see what you see when you look at me. who am i to you? or to him? or to her? does it matter? maybe it does. maybe i dont like who i am. maybe i never did. maybe none of you ever liked me. maybe you never will again. maybe the one who do love me unconditionally are the only ones that matter anymore.

I wish i could see myself through your eyes. i'd love to see how you see me, because i honestly dont understand how you could see me the way you do... but you do, so... i wish i could see myself the way you see me.

I wish i would see myself through your eyes. i want to see who i am to you, who i've been. why this is happening. whether its just because of all of this shit or because you were just waiting for an excuse. because you've hated me this much all along.

you hurt me. i hope you know that. i really hope you do. the things you said, the way you said it... well... it just hurt. it was rude, mean, and unnecessary. i cannot even look at you anymore im that sad... im so sad and im so mad. im smad. lol... i just... i wish i could see inside your head to see why you do what you do, the way your brain works. why youre so quick to listen and jump to conclusions. you did it before and i forgave you because i was so upset with her, but this time... i know she hates me. im accepting that. slowly. but... im mostly upset with you. if shes had enough fine.

oh, my God, how you make it hard, not to pick the apple, pick the apple, and Lord i long to give it back...


<3

im actually a little curious about how long i'll have to tell people to talk to me about problems they have with me before you all start to listen.

if i've done something wrong, if you hate me, if i hurt you, if you have a problem with me, then TALK TO ME ABOUT IT! i bark but i dont bite...

you didn't hurt me sweetie, you broke me, into a thousand tiny pieces. pieces so tiny that they'd fit through the eye of a needle.

you were one of the people i trusted, one of the people i would turn to if i decided to talk to someone.

i'm not as fake as you seem to think, you see the real me more often than you would realise.

youre full of crap and you know it.

just admit you were wrong...

you know, theres only one other time i felt more miserable than right now? only one other thing has hurt me more than this... so thank you. so much.

stupid, worthless, waste of space...

was your aim to break me?
congratulations, i'm broken

was your aim to make me cry?
congratulations, i did

was your aim to make me more miserable?
congratulations, misery

was your aim to make me lose the facade?
congratulations, its gone

have fun putting up with it...


slices you so thin, you dry like sheets in the wind...

i guess you find out what people really think eventually. but you know, im kinda pissed you dont have the guts to say it to my face, let alone say it at all until i demand you do.

andimsosickoflovesongssotiredoftearssodonewithwishingyouwerehereandimsosickoflovesongssosadandslowsowhycantiturnofftheradio

i feel like youre an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhoea <3

A hundred days had made me older
since the last time that I saw your face
A thousand lights had made me colder
and I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

i have decided to teach myself french. i mean... i've been wanting to learn it for ages. So why not teach myself?

I'm curious now, i hope you know. Paying more attention to my own thoughts. Wondering what yours are like. And then i just get more carried away.

The mind is a weird place to be.

Esspecially mine.

My mind is a weird place to be right now.

I need sleep.

You know what makes me sleep?

I want that one too.

Yeah, pretty.

Je vous aime

liar, liar, burn in hell

j'ai besoin de vous

likewater,likebreath,likerain

i dont want to live forgotten. forgotten in this crazy world where everyone is stressed and worried and concerned. Only about themselves. And sometimes the people who mean the most to them.

i dont want to be fogotten...

i am in love with the rain. it is the most beautiful thing.

it smells amazing, and makes everything clean and fresh and new.

rain is hope. rain is love. rain is home...

did you ever think that you knew exactly who someone was, only to find yourself shocked when they turn out to be someone completely different? ever think you know exactly how someone will react, when they turn around and do the last thing you're expecting? ever think you know what someone really thinks only to find out that the truth is more painful than whatever falsehoods they'd convinced you to believe?

ever think someone cares, when in reality they don't give a stuff?

ever think someone knows you...

...when you have no idea who i am...

Yes dear faithful readers (not that any exist lol). it is entirely possible for me to be even more pathetic. I know names. Yeah, names of my future kids. And if i dont have two girls and one boy i am going to be absolutely devastated. Unless i just have two kids... and then im yet to decide.

I want at least one girl no matter what.

And if any of you steal the name i want, you can go die in a hole. Or i shall murder you.

Either, or both.

save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel... when really they have no idea...

Look after my heart, i left it with you...

is this just in my head...?

damn, that day doesnt fall on a weekend (well.. not one that i'll legally be able to get married on anyway :P) until 2016.

i'll be so OLD then. lol. like 24...?

Oh well... you can all get a weekday off work to come to my wedding whenever i have it :P

I have to just add one more thing here...

I even know the date i want to get married on. Yep, sad I know. But i know the exact date I want to get married on.

I mean, its subject to change i suppose... But... I dont think it will. I'm fairly certain on that one and it'll take me a lot of convincing to change that. i dont care if its not a weekend or whatever, i know the date i want and youre all getting it off work to come to my wedding lol.

Yep, i am completely sad. I have no life. None. At all. As evidenced by this blog, and the one before it.

You know what's quite stupid? Because i've been listening to Love Song by Taylor Swift, I was thinking about my wedding. I mean, I may not even get married. Who knows?

'He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said -
Marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone
I love you and thats all i really know
I talked to your dad - go pick out a white dress
Its a love story, baby just say...
yes...'

But... the thing is, i know pretty much how i want most parts of my wedding. i mean... Theres plenty of stuff i havent even bagan to think about. But there is so much that i think about and just go, 'yep, its going to be exactly like this.'

For instance my wedding dress. I know EXACTLY what my wedding dress is going to look like. Exactly. (and if any of you lovely girlies steal it, there'll be consequences :P) ...(totally not kidding lol). I can picture exactly how i will look, and i know who would at this stage be my bridesmaids.

I can see the flowers, and the tables at the reception. I can picture almost everything...

Why is it that we care so much about one day anyway?

I don't really know... But I do. (teehee 'i do'... not intended lol). I can't explain it, i just... I'm not engaged, or anywhere close to it lol. But my wedding day is already a huge big deal to me. And to be honest i guess i dont know why.

I suppose it means i've found someone who loves me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. And that would be no easy feat, believe me. But the fact that that would mean i'd found someone stupid enough to want to be with me, who loves me enough... And i guess your wedding day is a day to make that known and stuff... i cant express it, but it makes perfect sense in my head. Yeah, thats great Leish, not much good to anyone bothing to read this eh?

it doesnt even matter. i probably wont get married anyway. And lauren, 'i shall end an old maid and teach your children how to sew and knit'.

I'm not afraid to fall it means i climbed up high to fall is not to fail you fail when you don't try not afraid to fall i might just learn to fly and i will spread these wings of mine I'm not afraid to fall and here i told you so don't want to rock the boat but i just had to know just a greener side or can i touch the sky but either way i will have tried i'm not afraid to fall I've fallen many times they laughed when i fell down but i have dared to climb I'm not afraid to fall i know i'll fall again but i can win this in the end If i get up i might fall back down again I might fall back down again






...im sorry...

I hope you didn't expect to get all of the attention, lets not get selfish did you really think i'd let you kill this chorus?

somedays i make it through but then theres nights that never end...



argh. ~hates homework~ stupid teachers and their stupid assigning of stupid homework ~bashes school work with baseball bats~ i dont want to tonight... ~burns our school and that of each of our friends down so that we wont have to go for a while~

Who's up for coffee tomorrow? there won't be a school for any of you to go to anyway =P

...i love you and that's all i really know...

right here, right now, i'm looking at you and my heart loves the veiw, cos you mean everything... right here, right now, i promise you somehow, that tomorrow can wait for some other day to be, cos right now there's you and me... cos i know that where you are is where i should be too... right here, right now, i'm looking at you...

And my heart loves the veiw...

Cos you mean everything....

the time is currently 12.15 am. i am at laurens place, SLEEPOVER YAY! lol theres me simone kelsey and lauren. i think kel and simone are fairly tame but me and lauren i swear we are so high that it wouldnt surprise me if someone thought we were on drugs lol. we arent by the way. but so far tonight we have consumed a hell of a lot of junk food, watched both mona lisa smile and erin brockovich (all you got is two wrong feet and ****ing ugly shoes :P). we also watched the start of jumper.

we then went outside to look at the stars and decided that not only were we cold, but it was also insanely pretty. and so we went for a walk. we hung out on the playground across the road and then got about as far as the conrner before getting caught. lol

Then of course we come back here, giggling and completely high... lol and decide that we want to do something else stupid. like oh i dont know, jump in a freezing cold pool. hell yes. we were in for oh i dont know... a whole of about two minutes before getting out. lol

now we're just hyperactive and thinking maybe coffee would be good right now... teehee

Night everybody!

what do i look like? the wizard of freaking oz?

you need a brain? you need a heart?

go ahead. take mine.

...take everything i have...

im amazed at how quick you are to judge me. Don't even take five seconds to tell me why you suddenly hate me. Just make up accusations. Don't get me wrong, I understand that you were going on what he said. But that is quite low, just taking his word and not even coming to me, or talking to me about accusations that i didn't even know were being made against me until you messaged me when i was in the bathroom throwing up. Thank you so much.

I know that you constantly say that you don't trust people easily, but guess what? Neither do i. maybe more so than you... But i trusted you. With everything. And now... I don't. And you can't very well blame me for that. Though i'm sure you will listen to him and decide to hate me for the rest of eternity... It just shocks me. Is what she said the other day true? Do you really not trust me enough to just believe that what they said is true without even talking to me?

I'm not even really sure what i supposedly did. But i'd never intentionally do anything to hurt you or to make you lose your trust in me. So, if I really did do something, i'm sorry. But i'd appreciate you talking to me about it rather than sprouting accusations.

I will have you know that no i am not anorexic.

Do I look anorexic to you? Have you SEEN some of my friends? You know, the ones who aren't anorexic but at least LOOK it. Gah, i'm not freaking well anorexic OKAY?

there ain't no motive for this crime...

is there a motive for the way we're all treating each other at the moment? Well... yes, i suppose there is. Those who have been bitched about recently, i'd like to point out that generally there is a reason for it.

Some of you know exactly what that is and you're working on it... Others, like me, are confused as to what we did and really just want someone who is honest enough to tell them what they've done wrong... And then there's others who have been told and wont listen... there are others who know what they're doing and continue to do it anyway for the hell of it.

Congratulations to those working on it. You're doing a brilliant job. You really are.

To those who have no idea, im sorry you're as confused as I am. And if anyone out there is bitching about these people, the ones who truely didnt realise they'd done anything wrong... Just tell us so that we can fix it.

Those of you who wont listen, well maybe you need to start taking in the things you've been told a million times now that you just keep brushing off.

And those of you who do it for the hell of it, well you all need to grow up.

Gosh, if you dont give people stuff to bitch about then they wont. or they shouldnt.

If someone is upset with you, then maybe you need to realise why. Maybe you need to put yourself in their shoes and think about why they might be upset or angry. Wouldn't you be just the same if situations were reversed?

happy is a yuppy word.

What does yuppy mean?

i have no idea.

But i bees happy, and not even you can squish it right now. I'm letting myself believe and now... I'm happier than i have been in ages. If it wasnt for those two other things... Then everything would be alright now. Sorta.

when will all the fighting end?
When will all the fighting end?
When will all the failures rise
When will all the failures rise, rise!
Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out
Happy is a yuppie word
Blessed is the man who's lost it all
Happy is a yuppie word

Its surprising and a little sad really, how easy it is to find out who really cares. I have to say, I was surprised. What about you? Were you surprised?

We've all been there... Or else we will... And its quite amazing really to see the difference between those who will care about you, and those who will expect your every thought to go to them. Sure, other people are suffering at the same time as you. But sometimes, when you're there for them... And they don't give a crap about you...

I was happy.

Thank you so much for ruining that.

It's just hard to continuously be there for people when you know that they will simply brush you off. You know that they will just... not care really, that you're upset or that you're hurting. They will just expect you to get over things. Well, guess what? It doesn't happen. You don't just wake up one morning suddenly over the only thing that held you together for the past two or so years. Things don't happen like that. Maybe i'll never get over it. Maybe its not going to happen that way. Maybe YOU need to take a look at the people who have worked so hard to be there for you. Take a look at how they ARE holding up. How they WERE holding up. How they WILL hold up in the future.

If someone is there for you... Don't they deserve the same in return?

So i will take Mrs Simons advice, i shall use my pleases and thank yous.

Please grow up and take a look at the world around you.

And thank you for making me feel like absolute shit when I was happy for the first time in oh i dont know, six weeks? Yeah... Really appreciate that one.

Maybe you should look at what's right in front of you.

youdosomethingtomethaticantexplainsowouldibeoutoflineifisaidimissyouiknowillseeyouagainwhetherfarorsoonbutineedyoutoknowthaticareandimissyou...

~giggles uncontrollably~

hope is a funny thing. it makes you believe that things can change. it makes you believe that things can be better. it makes you believe that the impossible is attainable. it makes you feel like you have a chance.