so tired of people being in shit moods, and of being in a shit mood and of dealing with everyones rapid mood changes, and of dealing with all this shit. how do you just........ argh. i just dont understand, youre fucking with my head. i cant think right and its all your fault. i cant deal with your shit or anyone elses. im too busy trying to get my own under control. im sick of people being so two faced. cut it out. seriously. also, i'll talk to you on my terms. don't corner me. got it?

I wake up in the bathroom and dare not bother asking why the mirror is cracked and all I see is shards of glass inside of me...

Are you listening to anything I say? Because I've been praying... How many prayers can I pray? I'm still waiting, maybe you'll show up today. I know you're here but I can't feel you and if you're speaking I can't hear you. How much longer will this last? So, okay, answer me with silence, it's okay if you don't say a word. You're testing me to trust you'll be faithful in this quiet. So okay, answer me with silence...

I picked up my coffee cup and leant against the window, feeling the warmth from the coffee heat my cold, shaky hands, watching the July rain beat down outside. I sighed bitterly, there was so much left to do before the end of the weekend and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t force myself to move from the window.

I felt tears fall down my cheeks and knew that I should have stopped them. I knew that I mustn’t allow myself to fall into that trap. I couldn’t cry. I wouldn’t let myself. Placing my mug down, I stood up and began to walk towards my computer.

I tripped over. Tripped over nothing. Because that is just how uncoordinated I am. I was on the floor. I was in pain. I was already crying. I lay down, curled up and allowed myself to be consumed by my tears, by my pain, by my fear.

I was thinking about you yesterday, and wondering what happens if this happens again? If everything hasn't changed? If this happens again who else do you have? You have no one. No one but him and us. Because you drove everyone else away. And you can't come here, because you know as well as everyone else that this is the first place he'll look for you.

-sigh- i love shopping. i'm never getting a credit card ever ever ever because i'll be worse than Becky Bloomwood...

sooo not a good thing.

i dont want to do anymore work. im tired of writing essays and shit about meaningless crap that noone cares about and that i wont need to use ever again in my life.

i dont know what else i was going to say now... -siiiiiiiigh-

-this post is inspired by a random blog i read the other day-

Dear Jess,
Your gloves are warm and my hands are cold. You're never getting them back, mmk? Hope you don't mind.
Love, love, love.
--------------------------------------

Dear Princess,
I buyed an iPod. -giggles- I'm still excited. We go shopping again soon, yes? :D
Love, love, love.
--------------------------------------

Dear Target Card Machines,
You all suck. How dare you not work and send me into fits of panic? You are evil and I am never shopping in Target again... or at least until the next time I do.
--------------------------------------

Dear Big W Card Machines,
You love me :D yay! Thank you for putting an end to my panic
--------------------------------------

Dear Glitter,
Hope you finished your psych assignment before midnight and posted it on moodle. Next time you start assignments earlier, mmk?
love, love, love.
--------------------------------------

Dear Charming,
See? You're not the only one I bug about doing work before it's due. Hope you enjoy avcon. Love you sooooooooo much.
Love, love, love.
--------------------------------------

Dear Pretzel,
You were yummy. We shall meet again, mmk?
--------------------------------------

Dear Cold And Flu Medication,
I LOVE YOU! You maked me sleep. :)
--------------------------------------

Dear Vicks,
I can breathe again! Yay!
--------------------------------------

Dear Soothers,
My throat still hurts. You suck.
--------------------------------------

Dear hair,
You're too long and I hate you. Please stop getting knotty or you're going to be cut.
--------------------------------------

Dear Labels,
You suck. Why are we only allowed 200 characters...? /cries

Oh. Em. Gee.

waa.... i swear i posted a blog at school and now its not here. -cries- im seriously sad. i mean it wasnt even about anything much but... waaaa. thats sad. and stupid.

Anywho. I bought a new iPod tonight. It's a blue 8 GB nano and its sooooooooo pretty. and i love it. and i've missed having an iPod. theyre so pretty and awesome and oh my god i think im in love. lol.

yeah, im weird.

Maybe I have gone crazy. Maybe there is something just... really fucked up about me. Maybe that's why I'm acting like a stranger lately.

What do you do when even you don't like who you are? What do you do when you're slowly driving everyone away? What can you change when you don't even know what is wrong? How are you supposed to let people help you when you can't help yourself? How can you let someone in when you don't knwo what is wrong?

I would never, ever, ever for a second stop caring about you. Ever. But if you can doubt that I care about you then I've obviously failed. If you can doubt how important you are to me, even for a second, then I have failed. And if I've failed you... Then I must have failed pretty much everyone.

I'm sorry. I'm just... Really sorry...

All day staring at the ceiling Making friends with shadows on my wall All night hearing voices telling me thatI should get some sleep Because tomorrow might be good For something Hold on feeling like I'm heading for a Break down and I dunno why I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then You'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be Talking to myself in public And dulging glances on the train And I know I know that they ‘ve all been talking about me I can hear their whisper And it makes me feel that there must be something wrong with me After all the hours thinking somehow I‘ve lost my mind I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be I've been talking in my sleep Soon they'll come to get me And they're taking me away I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell I know right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired I know Right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be And how I used to be How I used to beI'm just a little lonely How I used to be How I used to be I'm just a little unwell...

I'm a stupid, selfish cow. Get that through your head would you?

I'm sorry. It all got me in a bad mood where I thought of nothing but trying to calm myself down. So I'm sorry I have no respect for you or anyone else at the moment. But I just... I need to calm myself down before I bring anymore harm on other people.

You couldn't have just answered the stupid question, could you?

Did you ever think you knew exactly what someone thought? Did you think you knew exactly what a person's opinion was? Of you, or of someone you love? Did you everything think you knew exactly what someone thought, only to turn around and realise you were wrong? That you actually had no idea? Did you ever think you knew exactly how something was going to happen, only for it to occur a different way? Or not at all?

Maybe expectations are a bad thing. When you think something will happen one way and it occurs a different way instead, are you left disappointed? Or surprised? Or... Happy maybe. Happy that everything happened differently to what you expected.

For me... When someting happens a different way, I lose the plot. I start to shake, or panic, or cry, or stress, or just withdraw completely. I don't know about anyone else, but for me, surprises are a bad thing. Even the most wonderful of surprises freak me out.

Take for instance this example: I'm going to the city with Glitter, and the plan is to meet Pickles for coffee or something before he meets his other friends later. Then we were going to go shopping. We get to the malls balls where we were planning to meet, and there's no sight of Pickles. I'm so busy looking for Pickles that I don't see Charming walking towards us, and even when he was standing right next to me (after three months of having not seen him), it still didn't occur that he was there, because I was so busy looking for Pickles. Charming wasn't supposed to meet us. Pickles was.

In my head anyway. Because this was what I'd been told by Glitter when she organised this shopping trip. Needless to say, that although I was thriled to see Charming, I was also ready to kill both of them for tricking me and giving me a surprise. Also, I was shaking for about an hour afterwards (But they let me buy coffee so I calmed down a little bit then xD).

So anyway, yeah, surprises freak me out.

Kelly, Harper, Miranda, Hayley, Tiffany, Audrey, Amelia, Katherine, Shannon, Crystal, Elizabeth, Evelyn, Jane, Vanessa, Lisa, Madeleine, Alice, Anna, Matilda, Carrie, Marianne, Tara, Belinda/Belle, Loraine/Lori/Lorrie, Anya, Emily, Madison, Sierra, Savannah

Tyler, Caleb, Aaron, Daniel, Oliver, Owen, William/Will, Declan, James, Dean, Dimitri, Austen, Andrew/Drew, Zeke, Sullivan, Nathan, Noah, Logan, Timothy, Ian

I need three girls names, and two boys names. Please comment and let me know what you like best. :) Thanks.

What a beautiful mess this is. It's like picking up trash in dresses...

What a beautiful mess this is. It's like picking up trash in dresses...

Did you ever think you never actually do anything with your life?

The year is halfway over, and what have we accomplished? I know my answer.

Nothing.

This year has been the same as any other. More complications, more sadness, more fights, more happiness, more girly days, more sleepovers (or...not-sleep-overs), more movie dates, more work, more homework and assignments, more exams, more stress, more procrastination, more sleepless nights.

But when it comes down to it, this year will pass by, just as unmemorable as the sixteen before it.

When is it that we get to start living?

Well... I suppose the answer for that is 'when we can be with our life'. For me at least...

Or maybe it's when we start to experience life. When we get past this awkward, horrible, wonderful time of our lives called High School, and start experiencing the real world.

Maybe you reach a certain age and suddenly everything makes sense and starts to mean something.

Or maybe there is just something wrong with me. And for some reason none of the things I do are significant.

There's something about missing you that is different to missing anyone else.

It's easy to miss someone. Easy. Indeed, it's even easy to cope with missing someone. Or at least just any person who you like, or enjoy being with.

But add emotions, real raw emotions, to it... And everything becomes suddenly harder to cope with. Add genuine feelings, genuine love... And it becomes harder to cope with...

But it's when you get to the point where you feel like a part of you is missing... Like without that other piece you just... You can't function properly.

Sure, you can make it through the day. But... You feel like everything is just a little bit wrong, like you should be happier, like someone else should be there beside you, experiencing everything with you. Like a piece of your heart has mysteriously disappeared...

Or when you miss him so much, that it physically hurts to be apart from him for any longer.

That is when you know.

That is when you know you love him. When everything feels right when he is beside you. When he smiles and and the whole world feels right. He lights up my life, makes me smile when i feel like crying (as cliche as that sounds), tells my im cute and beautiful and all of the most wonderful things that i wish i could be (but somehow dont believe i am), he shows me i am truly loved.

For those of you who miss someone like that right now... I feel sorry for you.

I don't understand. I'm sorry. I just don't. Why is everything YOUR business? If something is happening in my life how does that immediately become something to do with you? why is my problem automatically your problem? One which you're not even really concerned with fixing, just being able to say you fixed? I'm sorry if I sound mean. Which I probably do. Because I'm sounding mean a lot lately. But I don't always want you dealing with my problems for me. And I don't always want people to know things.

If I keep things to myself, its because either it means a lot to me or because I just don't want to talk about it. And this is one of those times. You found something, from a conversation just a little while ago, that I know i never printed or saved. Just one little bit. A few lines. Printed out and in my diary. And guess what? I dont want to talk about it.

ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU MARYANNE!