i dont even know what to say anymore...

you know what? just fuck it all. its your choice. i cant even...

im too tired to deal with this right now.

im sorry if im being a bitch. i love you. im sorry. but i need you and youre nowhere..........

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is the lies you've told just to bring yourself some peace
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
yesterday is cold and tired
yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is the day preceding today
yesterday is dead and over
yesterday is so far away
yesterday is fallen dreams
yesterday is x to the power of y squared
yesterday is the end of hope
this is your life, are you who you want to be?
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
-4 days-

i feel really sad today... and i dont know why...

i mean, stuff is kinda shit. but... it's been shit for a while now. i shouldnt be randomly feeling sad now...

oh, and about thursday... thanks heaps. now im being clingy :\ fine when theres someone like you or glitter around to be clingy to but... a freaking pain in the arse the rest of the time.

i have to work in 2 hours. dont want to today... then again i guess i never really do and then i get there and its not so bad but... this time of year sucks arse. cos its just so busy.

for a while i was all like 'sweet, eight and a half weeks of nothing to do, no where to be. time to relax. time to be me again without all this stress.'

but you know i think i've realised that just having no school doesnt make life any less busy. theres still so much stuff to do.

and the list.

you know. the list of things that we/i've gone 'after school...' or 'in the holidays...' well its fucking never ending. there is so much stuff i have to do this holidays. plus im working like half of each week. its kinda messing with my head. i feel like i dont have enough time.

i think someone (maybe lauren...?) said the other day something about almost ten months of stress for eight and a half weeks of peace. well i suppose so to an extent.

you know what im craving more than almost anything though? a day where i have -nothing- to do. where i can sit on my arse all day and not have to be going out, or working or... whatever.

of course the only thing that could top that is having him here too...

but you know. never going to happen. so why bother even wishing right...?

-sigh- i shouldnt see him... it makes me miss him more...........

-4 days-

Dear you,

it doesnt matter. you know you havent even asked me how i am in three days...?

Love me.

*

Dear Edward Cullen,

But Cedric, you're d-d-d-d-dead...?

From Harry Potter

*

Dear You,

Last night was fun :) -giggles- the guy next to me kept laughing at us. it made me laugh harder. lol. Anywho, i had fun. and OH MY GOD! lol.

Love Me.

*

Dear You and You,

I'm seeing you soon. coffee! woooooooooo! :D

Love Me.

*

Dear You,

Shopping in the morning will be fun. Hope I can cheer you up a little...

Love Me.

*

Dear You,

I'm glad you're okay...

Love Me

*

Dear Rufus,

You belong in jail.

-61 days-

he'll be back there on tuesday... i have no idea how the hell i'm going to concentrate on my english exam thinking about it.

wednesday will either make or break.

wednesday could be the day i break.

thursday will be the day i come alive again...

i need him.

and i need wednesday so that i know that everything is okay...

i need to see her. to talk to her. to make sure she's ok...

what would it be like to be married to someone you hate? to not realise you hate him until it is too late? the fact that he doesnt work any more, he smokes more than 2 packs per day, he consumes about $10 worth of ice coffee each day, he drinks. i mean god, he's getting mouth cancer from the smoking. he has to stop. but he's abusive when he doesnt smoke or drink.

imagine knowing in the back of your mind the entire time that you didnt love him truly... imagine knowing somewhere deep down in your mind that even if you did love him, he did not love you. imagine knowing that this wasnt good for you... imagine marrying a guy because you were so unsure of yourself that you thought noone would ever want you.

it took me so long to convince him that going up there and beating the shit out of him for what he did wouldnt help. we would all love to... we would all love it if he did... god knows he deserves it. but it wont help...

she cant go back to him...

they're all falling apart. everyone is falling apart...

and i dont know how long i can help hold everyone together. i dont know how well -i- can hold -myself- together. i need wednesday. i need him to be okay. i just fucking need him to be okay. i need him to be alright... my family will fall apart completely if he is not alright... if anything goes wrong we're going to lose more than just him.

and we cant do that right now.

i need him to be okay...

Dear Rufus, you belong in jail.

the top movie lines that never fail to make me cry:

1. 'I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me.' - Notting Hill
2. 'All i know is, you're beatuiful...' - A Walk to Remember
3. 'Indefinitely.' - Notting Hill
4. 'Dad! Thanks for telling me the story.'
'You're welcome. I didn't get to tell you the happy ending.'
'What is it...?'
'You.' - Definitely Maybe
5. 'But you know the thing about romance... People only get together right at the very end.' - Love Actually

-53 days- D=

so... i donwnloaded firefox finally. and i like. its pretty. and pink. and i have colourful tabs. which makes me smile.

i lost three and a half kilos this week. that also makes me smile.

aside from that, pretty boring day.

was in a bit of a bad mood.

although slightly hyper at the same time.

definitely a comfort foody kinda day.

you know what the best comfort food in the whole world is? jatz, with cream cheese and sweet chilli sauce.

you know what i need?

sleep.

im just so tired...

its like my capacity to think (or brain as i told deb and lauren earlier this week), has just gone completely out the window. i cant do it. i cant think straight and so half the stuff i say comes out sounding stupider than i normally sound. which is you know, not good.

my ability to cope with things and deal with things and handle things has gone out the window. like i keep crying. just all the time. the tiniest thing happens and BAM! tears. like i was sitting there in the library today. and for no reason at all tears just kept welling up in my eyes and they wouldnt stop. i almost cried in nutrition. for no reason. at all. whatsoever. mrs irving lost my work. then told me i only got 15 out of 20 for it. i came so close to crying its not funny. but when theres no one around... the tears just dont stop.

i have two stupid assignments left. one that i just have to edit my draft. the other i just have to analyse 3 poems in dot points. not even write an essay. and i just cant do it... i just cant.

i want this to be over. i need the school year to just end. im hanging out for next tuesday. and after that, thursday. and after that friday. i cant wait. i just wish it'd come now...
-51 days-

i used to close my eyes and pray that time would pass me by so i could fly away in my dreams to anywhere unreal and i'd hide away from everything. quietly and gracefully you move around the weight of the evidence. what a shame we all because such fragile broken things, a memory remains just a tiny spark. sweet silver bells all seem to say throw cares away cos christmas is here bringing a cheer to young and old. light of the world, shine down on bethlehem. i could stay awake just to hear you breathing, watch your smile while you are sleeping, while you're far away and dreaming. did you wake up on the right or the wrong side of the bed today? and when my life is over, remember when we were together, we were alone and i was singing my song for you. maybe you're falling so in love or your heart is about to break. i can be your sunshine girl or the company for your misery. all the things she said, all the things she said, running through my head. well she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention cos that's just ridiculously odd. everyone's changing i stay the same. i try to play it cool acting like what you do don't phase me. in the dead of night i feel you there and i ask myself if you're really there. sometimes i need you more than i want to. tell me you love me. i just swear that i'll always be there. there must be something in the air, she said. watch your mouth because your speech is slurred enough that you just might swallow your tongue. she had an earthquake on her mind, i almost heard her cry out as i left her far behind and knew the world was crashing down around her. cos baby im not okay when you go im not fine please be all mine i never want you to go because i am all yours so please be all mine. does anyone know how i feel, sometimes im numb, sometimes im over come. do i have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm? i need release. soon its gonna be over soon. we're gonna wake up lost and find ourselves confused. there was a time when i thought i had you figured out. you remind me of a cigarette, you burn up slowly and then go out like that, you make my head hurt, you make my skin stink. i want more than just to try and love you. jekyll and hyde. seven years old you heard me cry. i dont want to say goodbye to the only man that i love. i dont think i can live without you. now i know you're breaking in two. with tears running down his face he says we're gonna make it, we're gonna make it. i've been there, i know how it feels to wonder if love is even real. its gonna be okay. another day all alone again. do you remember how we made it through the rain. can we just love again, kiss again i just want to be us again, just hold each other close again, make it to the very end, baby i will leave you never, i just wanna spend forever with you. i think im running out of tears. i see you smiling everyday, looking back at me like nothign ever changed. why am i here without you? if i could make heaven wait i'd find a way to ask god if he had made some mistake. when did you last let your heart decide? there is no need to throw your arms around me. we all lied for a moment. i wouldnt be the same without you. the little things you do to me are taking me over i want to show you everything inside me, like my nervous heart that is crazy beating. walking, stumbling on these shadow feet. im not the type to get my heart broken. i woke up today, woke up wide awake in an empty bed staring at an empty room. what do you see when you look at me cos i could have lived your life instead. i wanted you to know i love the way you laugh i want to hold you high and steal your pain away.
-45 days-

watch you walk and watch you run and i'll always be the one chasing you. see you faint, i see you fall, and i'll be sure the one to catch you... cos i found my happiness with you... stay with me just a bit longer now... don't find the time to say your goodbyes and please dont leave me... cos i want you... cos i want you now... i know you'll go away but i'll leave the light on in case you find your way home cos you're my mystery that makes life interesting and i found my happiness with you... stay with me just a bit longer now... dont find the time to say your goodbyes... and please dont leave me... cos i want you... cos i need you now... stay with me just a bit longer now... dont find the time to say your goodbyes... and please dont leave me... cos i want you... please dont leave me... cos i want you... cos i want you now...
-45 days-

haha that line reminds me of st trinians. remember? 'red ones bring you up, blue ones bring you down?' -giggles- drugs :D :D :D :D

oh. my. god.

anyway... that wasnt my purpose for logging on... but i dont remember what that was now... so i guess im off to play some cafeworld and i'll blog later when i -can- remember. sorry.

-43 days.......-

so i was talking to a friend of mine... and now i want your opinion. your answers. what you think in response to this statement. please comment. unregistered users/anonyomous users are allowed to comment too, so please do.

how do you stay clean in a world soaked with filth?
-40 days-...=(

i'm tired. of everything... i can't do this. not anymore. i just can't......
-39 fucking days-

so i was talking to one of my closest friends about break ups... and it made me think about earlier this year... about how at the start of this year i seriously thought i would be better off killing myself than even attempting to live without you... but anyway, this wasnt what i was logging on here to say.

so here it is. he's my brother. no one is allowed to pick on him and call him names and beat him up except for me. and my sister. although i admit, she does more of that than i do. anyway, the point here is, that he's mine. thats my job. not anyone elses. and it really shits me off when people treat him like crap because he's tiny, and because he's 'the weakest link' so to speak. i know he can't hold his own in a fight with this guy. b ut he cant keep just copping this shit all the time either. eventually he's just going to snap, and punch this guy... and i will be proud of him to be honest. but he will be the one in trouble, not the guy bullying him. i swear to god if this guy so much as looks at him the wrong way, he's going to have to deal with me. now i may not seem that scary...... but when i really, and i mean reeeeeeeally, want to be, i am your worst nightmare. besides, i have one other asset working for me. my cousin. considering his little brother is also being bullied by this guy. and my cousin, is fucking HUGE. at least compared to this guy anyway. when im finished with this kid, he is going to wish he was never born. and i will make sure of it, because that is the way he has made my brother feel.

in other news, i have sooooooooo much homework to do that i just... cant do. i feel too sick for it... and too tired... i should really learn to sleep... and im kind of worried. cos im messed up... more so than usual. something has gone wrong.............. but i wont go into details of that. because im sure its just my body trying to fuck with my brain and theres nothing really wrong... hopefully. anyway... night...
-35 days-

new chapter is up.

im actually really happy about it... im getting all these really nice comments from randoms who are reading my story and... that makes me smile :D

in other news, i am dead... i cant move. i've passed out twice in the past hour and a half... i feel like im going to vomit. i kept screwing things up today. and now i cant concentrate to do my homework......... basically im screwed...

also, the people across the road suck arse. they had a halloween party last night. i mean, gosh people this is australia not america. we dont do halloween over here. and even if you do, you dont have a party that lasts all night long, play music so loud that its impossible for the people in the five surrounding houses to even hear themselves -think-. you dont end a party at 6.30 in the morning. and you dont have people leaving between 3.30 and 6.30 honking their car horns as they drive down the fucking street.

fuck, i need sleep...
-35 days-