1. Run away. Run away fast.

2.Why don't you go and take a photo of that...?

3. Make snide remarks that he just so happens to over hear

4. Say you need to talk about girls things; like menstruation or penises

5. If all else fails, say really loudly in a whiny voice 'I'm bleeding from my vagina!!!'
-33 days-

i was already feeling sick. but when i found your words from nine months ago, i swear to god i felt my stomach give out again. i feel physically ill. i think i almost threw up again. then again that might just be the fact that i tried to eat lunch...

you were so sad. so upset. so completely and utterly devastated. and i did that to you.............. and im still so sorry.... just so you know, i still feel bad about it every day... i love you.
-33 days-

sooooooooooooo we had a tourism excursion today. was relatively boring. lol. fun. but boring. at least until we got to lunch time. when we decided we wanted Chinese. me jac and lauren got a meal between the three of us (salt and pepper squid with a side of fried rice, spring rolls and satay chicken) and still didn't manage to finish it. anyway, we had fun. and then we went on a tour of the beach house. which for those of you who don't know is like a tiny water park. lol, seriously 4 slides, a 100 year old beautiful carousel, a ferris wheel, bumper cars, arcade games and bumper boats. anyway, the owner decided that we could all have a ride on the carousel and the bumper cars. which was fun.

but after the excursion was over me jac and lauren were still there and we decided to go on the bumper boats. which was soooooo fun. we were basically on these little boat things, and we like steered them with one joystick and squirted water with the other one. which was fun. cos we like chased each other around this little pool squirting water until all three of us were drenched and looked something like this :



of course, being the smart girls that we are, we went on the boats in our school uniform. which ended up drenched. along with us. what you cant tell from these photos is how wet we actually were. we were dripping. our clothes were stuck to our skin. our shoes were squelchy. our hair completely messed up. and yet none of cared. not even lauren (i know, im as amazed as you are :P). haha.

we had fun. for once. it was, for me at least, a bit of a release. lol, we ended up going to the reject shop and buying a towel and a 5 pack of undies just in case anyone is interested.

luckily thought, we brought a change of clothes cos we went out tonight too. to see a movie. and do some shoppping. and me and lauren and kel all bought a dress each. and i like mine. its pretty. im going to wear it tomorrow night. cos its pretty, and summery. and its going to be freaking 36 degrees!!! which sucks arse. cos i hate hot weather. except now i have my dress. so i shall wear that tomorrow night. and it will make me happy. anyway, below are some pics of us on the bus. -shrug- theyre up here cos we're cool and you all know it! haves a good night!

-32 days-

Okay lovey. here goes.

top five phrases that make me want to crawl into my bed and NEVER come out.

5. in the words of mr clark 'and the blood was just gushing out...'
4. 'about what you said...'
3. 'i need to talk to you/we need to talk'
2. 'you'll hardly feel a thing...'
1. 'i guess i won't see you again until...'

happy? :D
-32 days-

Dear Spike,

i've never had to knock on wood but i know someone who has, which makes me wonder if i could. I've never had to knock on wood and i'm glad i haven't yet, because i'm sure it isn't good. That's the impression that I get.

:P i'd sing higher for you but i think i'd break some windows.

Love Leish

*

Dear Year 12s,

I signed Kate's t-shirt today. and left her a little good luck note. and it made me sad. i hadn't realised how much i'm actually going to miss this year's year twelves :( also, to the three random year twelves who came and wished us luck for next year, good luck to you too. good luck to you all. you'll be great.

Love Leisha

*

Dear Evil Witch,

you have a blog now! yay! and im your first and only follower! thats exciting and not at the same time. people should follow her blog. www.sanctuary-windshadows.blogspot.com she is cool. yay. especiallly her latest post. i laughed so hard i almost fell off my chair.

i love youuuuu

♥ Leish

*

Dear brain,

i had a whole list of things/people i had to write letters to in you and you lost it. bitch! give me back my list :(

♥ me

*

Dear VacSwim,

Why yes, as a matter of fact, my child/children did enjoy the VacSwim program in previous years. Of course they did.... No, they will not be coming back this year. Or next year. Or the year after that. You know what? Maybe you could send me another letter oh... i dont know... after they're born?

Sorry for the inconvenience. I'm afraid i just can't concieve and give birth and make my children old enough to attend VacSwim before January.

Leisha.

*

Dear headache,

Please go away before i make you go away. i'm sorry, i know you would like to stick around and cause me pain... but i'm not really in the mood for it right now. i'd say try me later, but i highly doubt that i'll be in the mood later either. I have a packet of panadol and a packet of nurofen in my bag, and i'm not afraid to use it.

Be scared, Leisha.

*

Dear back/neck,

See above.

*

Dear Coffee,

I drank you this morning. And now I want to drink you again. Please?

I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssss much.

Leisha.

*

Dear money,

you got paid to me yesterday, i would reeeeeeally appreciate you showing up in my account before 5.30 tomorrow night. That would be great.

Thanks, Leish.

*

Dear Glitta,

Hope you don't mind. i photo spammed your camera. :D you know you love me. use any on my 21st and i kill you

love love love love love,
Leish.

*

Dear Princess,

Come back. We miss youuuuuuuuu. i'm in supervised right now without you, and im helping ben write a blog to attract more followers. tis funny. you should read it. it will make you laugh. haha.

i love choo ♥

*

Dear Charming.

I don't know what to say. I love you. I miss you.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Leish...

-30 days-

These are my secrets... Some of them anyway. Post your secrets. This idea is inspired by PostSecret.

-28 days-

My history teacher is a crack up. he said this.

'Tacos are made from the limbs amputated in public hospitals, snails are a
part of God's war on lettuce, and blue cheese is part of a massive mind
control experiment run by the CIA and KBG. Anymore questions?'

it made me laugh. and therefore i decided you all should hear it. lol. sorry.
-25 days-

for they confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the lord was my support.
-25 days-

i was going to post. but now i dont know what i was going to say... there was actually something... and now i dont know what it is.

so instead, here is something a little random for you to puzzle over. why does emotion trigger physical response.

in fact, not just that. but why do certain emotions trigger specific physical responses?

why dont we laugh when someone dies? smile when we hurt ourselves? why dont we cry when someone tells a funny joke?

well, that was random...

anyway...

people in this class are really loud. which means getting work done is almost impossible. as with tuesday, i could have a more productive day at home. but whatever.

sooooooooooo....

you know... when i was little i wasn't scared of much.

i used to climb trees, until i fell from almost the top of a pinetree. didnt break anything. just bruised my arse. but ever since, i've been scared of heights. wont even climb the ladder at work to get something down because i dont like to have my feet off the ground...

i used to like dogs.. but these days they terrify me.

i think i've always hated fire. see we used to have this wood fire in our lounge room. and i was scared of the door being open cos i thought something scary lived inside. i used to help bring in the wood from the wood shed and scrunch the day's newspaper into balls. but as soon as the door was opened id run away...

i guess thats where that fear sparked from. what else am i scared of? i dont even know... theres so much.........

im scared of people leaving me because it always seems that the people who mean the most to me walk out of my life and i never hear from them aagian. except for lately

cos people love me yay! lol. i dont know.. people dont leave for good as much these days...

im scared of trusting people cos it always seems that the people i trust the most are the ones who stab me in the back. then again, as with the above, thats the way it used to be. but not these days.

i just so happens that i have good friends now yay :D lol. and by now i mean for like the past few years.

but anyway. whatever.

i dont know what im going on about here...

take me take me where ever just take me i wanna ride wont you be my guide

you know one thing ive discovered? that i dont know anything. i have all of these things. things that i thought i knew. ways i expected things to be. how i expected things to turn out. but i knew nothing, nothing was how i expected it to be, nothing turns out the way i expect.

which is a bit of a mindfuck really.

cos you expect somethign to happen one way, and next thing you know everything is completely different to what you expected....

if i dont say this now i will surely break.is there a reason? the road i want to take... do i cry too much? am i too outspoken? i fall, i freeze, i pray down on my knees.

you know what i love? the fact that i have facebook on my phone. it makes boring lessons fun :) yay.

and stuff... so yeah.

we're going karaoke-ing. some time anyway. they decided they'd wait for me to turn 18 or else we'll go in the holidays to a place i can get into being under 18 lol. its mine and jessie's fault. for singing so much out the back at work. lol. we're not very good. but it makes sunday morning shifts more fun. lol.

anyway... lunch in 10 mins and i'vespent my entire double lesson blogging, facebooking and talking. lol. lovely. im going to be stressing tonight. just so you all know. if i snap at you or yell at you or whatever then thats cos im stressing and im sorry in advance. lol. going now.
-25 days-

they tell you where you need to go. what's wrong baby? Please don't be so naive. run, it's always your instinct. i found myself today. how can you see into my eyes? when i grow up..... I was so lost. he keeps his heart safety pinned to his backpack. once in a lifetime means theres no second chance. here we are. it feels like forever since i can remember. its hard to argue. fell asleep by the telephone. i could tell my heart each time. who can make you mad? having trouble staying asleep. deep in denial. oh i feel so tired. i can hardly keep open my eyes. you've got everything. there is something in the air. i never felt nothing like this before. every day feels like monday. seems like it was only yesterday. she was living here. her eyes are open like a book. i'm all choked out on the ground. i've got the memories. but i cant go back. i wear a disguise. wake up with bloodshot eyes. in the night i hear them talk. the coldest story ever told. i wish that i could close my eyes and time would pass me by. my heads full of thoughts. six thousand thoughts, i cant focus on one. i could stay awake. i want to dance the tango with chance. im sitting in a room made up of only big walls. when it rains on this side of town it touches everything. i love everything about you. head over heels. i was yours. youre the one place i come home. pure, crazy, blameless, completely unashamed. everything is broken. hope everything is alright. we're losing daylight. automatic, systematic, hydromatic. together everyone. i can't believe that im here in this place again. you make me invisible. i need you. i took a walk. here we go. we got problems. we dont know how to solve them. we got baggage. skeletons that follow us everywhere we go. the way you love. im not a perfect person. how long will it take to come undone? girl you cant dance forever. scared to look. i'd give up forever. tried to take a picture of love. loving you. sparkling angels. i hear you praying. making my way. staring blankly ahead. maybe i've been the problem. maybe i'm the one to blame. everyone looks so lonely...
-24 days-

so guess what, i can see my blog on the school computers again! yay!

in other news, im in a shitty mood today. i get up in a bad mood, after not sleeping again, spending half of my night doing yoga (lol. i know. im a retard. but you have to do something when you're exhausted and stressed and its two forty seven and you still havent gotten a wink of sleep) and the other half studying. And yet i still failed my practice psych exam. which i suppose means im going to fail the real thing.

i got in the shower. it was cold. i brushed my hair. it decided to stick up and make me look stupid anyway. i took one look at my small pile of make up and decided i couldnt be bothered. i got ready, dressed in my uniform and was about to leave when all of a sudden i hear 'why are you wearing your uniform?' thats right, because the whole world (except for me of course) knew that it was casual day today. run back to my room. look for clothes. uhh what to wear? the first thing i could find of course...

get dropped off outside coles secretly glad that i have the excuse that i had to walk past to explain the block of chocolate that just so happened to end up in my bag, the $3 that just so happened to disappear from my wallet. although i really didnt eat much of it myself cos im too nice and shared it.

failed psych practice test. worked out that despite hours and hours of studying i dont know anything. at all.

recess was fine i guess. uhhh in fact. i dont know. maybe it was fine. maybe it wasnt. i actually dont remember... which is not good. cos it was like not even an hour ago. wait. yes i was. i dont know... its 12.21. you do the maths. i dont even know what time recess is.

Am now in english (or... supposed to be in english, but im in the computer labs instead cos well... im supposed to be being productive. i've written one sentence. And a heading.) and im coming to the sudden realisation that this assignment is not going to be done by friday. no way. no way in hell. i asked her for an extention. considering im baby sitting tonight and tomorrow night. yay. and she didnt exactly say yes or no. so im going to assume that that is a yes. and i now somehow have to find a way to finish this assignment by monday.

pretty much im just screwed. im going to fail everything. if i fail the rest of this year that means i fail six subjects. ive already failed one. that means i'll have failed seven. which means that i'll fail my sace. which means i cant go to uni. i probably cant go to uni. i dont know what i'll do at uni anyway. i'd be an awful teacher. maybe i should just join jessie and take a bartending course and travel europe bartending and baristering... i intend to do the barister thing anyway... besides this way i wouldnt have to come back in time for uni to start.

the only thing keeping me would be missing him............ but maybe he could come with me. for a while anyway... i want to go. i want to travel. i want to see the world.

but then again i dont. im scared of going anywhere alone. how could i go travelling alone...? i cant. -sigh- maybe i should go with jessie... maybe i should go.. and come back with her in time for uni to start again.

you know part of me doesnt know why i want kids, or why i want to teach. im going to be an awful teacher. im going to be a worse mother.

you know reading over this post im thinking about how trivial the stuff im talking about is. theres all this shit going on, and yet for some reason i cant bring myself to talk about it, like talking about it will bring it into the open, make it real. and so instead im focusing on all of this trivial crap. like failing. and things that havent happened. and things that wont happen.

instead of talking about what has happen.

if i push it down enough maybe it will go away. maybe i can pretend there is nothing. maybe i can convince myself the way that i convince other people.

you know what i was remembering? a few years ago. when i thought i had problems. i didnt have problems. i thought i did. but i didnt. i had no idea. i remember when i thought it was really bad, and i...l cant even explain it... but i needed to make myself feel something. i needed to make myself feel pain. and so i wore hairties. you all saw/knew about/stole from me at various times the one on my wrist... but what none of you knew was that i used to wear them all the way up my arm. a hairtie every 3 or 4 centimetres. slowly but surely cutting off the circulation to my arms.

back when i thought i had problems. if i only knew... i suppose the difference between then and now is that im better at coping. i mean thats not to say im not on the edge right now... but... im coping better than i was then...

anyway... enough of my ranting. sorry about the long post. im impressed with anyone who actually got all the way to the end. bravo. you must be bored by now. sorry.
-24 days-

im screwed. i am actually 100 percent fucking screwed.

today i took a day off.

decided i could get more work done at home than i would have gotten done in my classes at school. which to be fair is true, i have gotten more work completed. but i also havent gotten -any- work completed. well no. thats not what i mean. what i mean is that i havent gotten enough done.

i mean i know its only 12 o'clock.

but im sitting at my desk looking at how messy everythign is... and i just... can't do anything. i cant concentrate on a single thing. because its too messy. and so i tried to clean up. but it wont work. even when everything is cleaner it still feels messy.

i cant work until everything is perfect. and yet if i want to get everything done i dont have time for perfection.

so it seems im someone i've never met. you will only hear these elegant crimes fall on your ears from criminal dimes. they spill unfound from a pretty mouth. everybody gets there and everybody finds their way...now i know i'm the one to blame. come save me from walking off a windowsill or i'll sleep in the rain. don't you remember when i was a bird and you were a map? the sky is falling off the ceiling, while i'm tucking fibs into a cookie jar...
-23 days-

Okay, so here is what i want you to do. Below is a list of questions or statements; answer each one with a picture explaining your response. After you're done, link your post to mine and leave a comment :D Your pictures may include writing if you like, and you may add captions if necessary to explain.

Right now you feel:

Something you want to say to/about somone you love:

Your life looks like:

If you could choose to look like someone else you would choose:

One thing you would like to live without:

Deep down inside you are:

this is just a post to inform you all that i fail with technology and if you get any nonsensical messages, incomplete messages or just random blank messages from me, blame my serious ability to literally repel technology.

i mean, first i wash my ipod... and then i drop my phone into a sink of hot water. i mean, at least my phone still... mostly works... by which i mean, sometimes works... by which i mean that i sent him about three thousand weird messages that made no sense (cos i'd like press the '2' and it would type a 't') before it decided to let me send him one explaining that. also, if i dont get your message, dont call me angrily lol. anyway, this time it wassnt completely my fault. to be fair, i wash pushed. whilst not paying much attention. whilst messaging him. keeping in mind how uncoordinated i am....

yeah. i fail. :D yay.

*****EDIT*****
actually, now that my phone decided to turn itself off and my 'unlock/menu/send' button has decided to fail and not work and hate me and make my life difficult, i dont think its going to work at all... shiiiiiiiit
-20 days-

i would give anything to be with him right now. to be able to just... hug him, cuddle up to him on a couch for a while... just be -with- him...

i'm a whiner. i'm a complainer. i know. the fact that im even posting this will annoy certain people because supposedly im possessive or demanding or something to that extent. but you know what? i dont think i even care anymore.

get mad at me for posting this. bitch and rant about me behind my back. i honestly do not give a fuck anymore.

i love him. i miss him. i want him. i need him.

and that is the way it is. im over apologising for it. im over feeling like i shouldnt miss him, and like i dont have the right to miss him or occassionally not be in the best mood for that reason (or others) got it?

if you have a problem with me, thats fine. but say it to my face. dont backstab me and hide behind charades of being my friend.

anyway, ive gotten completely off topic.

what i wanted to say is that i love him. that i miss him... and that seeing as today is our 2 yrs and 5 months anniversary i was randomly thinking about that... and realised we havent actually spent an anniversary together since our six months. i mean not that this one particularly matters. or really that any of them do... its just... i want to be with him. i want the chance to spend time with him. i dont want to be guilt tripped so often for feeling sad or miserable, or just for missing him. i dont want to be tild to get over it. because i wont. until i can be with him....

i love him...
-18 days-

i cant do it.
im going to fail anyway.
there is no point.
may as well just give up now.
-17 days-

I just cant do it. I get behind the wheel of the car (already on the street of course, so that I don't hit the other car going down our ridiculous driveway...). I stall it starting out, twice of course, before I manage to get it going. Our first gear of course is a bit screwed up which makes it harder to drive, so of course I change up to second. A lovely grinding noise coming from the car for no particular reason other than the fact that I am driving and it wants to make my life as fucking difficult as it can. Check that I'm in gear. Yes. Check that the hand brake is off. Wait, of course it is, we are moving after all. Okay, nothing wrong with it. Turn car off. Turn car on. Start up again. Stall it twice before I start to move. Car starts making the same noise again half way up the fucking hill. Stall it. Stop. Turn car off. Turn car on. See car going around the roundabout at the bottom of the street. Stall it three times this time. Finally make it into the carpark, stall it at the giveway sign. Turn car off. Turn car on. Try again. Car pulls up behind me. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it again. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it of course. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. Car door opens behind me. Person gets out, obviously sick of waiting. Sorry. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. Person beeps horn. Do weird thingo that I do when I'm really stressed, like run fingers through fringe and push back out of eyes. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stop panicing. Stall it. Turn car off. Turn car on. Bunny hop it around the corner. Get in second. Go. Park as far away from all other cars as possible. Run to Coles. No hamburger buns. Run to Woolworths. Buy hamburger buns, just making it before the store closes. Run back to car. Get in. Seatbelt. Turn car on. Stall it. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. For fuck sake. Turn car off. Turn car on. Stall it. Stall it. Fucking stall it. Resist urge to scream. Must resist urge to scream. Fuck this. I'm buying an auto. Turn car on. Stall it. Make dad drive. Mentally curse the freaking guy who beeped his horn at me.

I hate it when people do that. Seriously dude, Go around me. Or wait. I'll only be a couple of hours. Or better yet, leave your car there, run into the shops, come back. I'm sure I'll still be there, guarding your car for you. It'll be fine. You know the fucking yellow plates with the massive black 'L' on the back? yeah? You know the ones I'm talking about? That means I can't drive for shit okay? That means be patient with me and i'll be out of your way as soon as I can. Fuck.

***

In other news, you know what pisses me off? When people judge you without even knowing you. When people make assumptions and judge you before knowing the tiniest detail about you, or your life. Seriously, I don't judge you. I accept you without even knowing you. So don't judge me. You know nothing about me. You don't live my life. And until you've lived my life and done a better job of dealing with it than I have, then you can't judge me.

******DISCLAIMER******

And just so that this isn't confused by anyone, this is not a direct hit at anyone reading this... unless my blog is being read by people without me knowing... But anyway, this isn't aimed at anyone of you. it is just me ranting and raving and getting it out...
-13 days-

My baby is your dumpster?

So that's why he's called Eeyore...

5+4=7

Ohh... That's why the movie is called Whip It!


Yes, indeed my friends, I am really that stupid.

Thank you, and goodnight!
-12 days-

I am a daughter.
I am a child.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.
I am a neighbour.
I am a colleague.
I am a student.
I am a confidant.
I am kind.
I am mean.
I am a screw up.
I am a failure.
I am a bitch.
I am cruel.
I am mean.
I am awful.
I am undeserving.
I am selfish.
I am coldhearted.
I am ugly.
I am hitting rock bottom.

So we all know I'm a complete retard. Need further proof off this? view here. I have done something insane today though. I was just listening to this CD. One of only a few half decent CDs may day has ever bought in his life. And I heard this song. And immediately replayed it like five times. I have chosen the song for my father/daughter dance thingo.

She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling me
Saying, 'Dad, I need you.

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practise my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?'

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, 'Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practise my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?'

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

And she'll be gone...

She comes home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, 'Dad, the wedding is still six months away
But I need to practise my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?'

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

You know it's kind of weird. I actually want to learn to dance properly lol. Then again people like me probably couldn't do anything like ballroom dancing. For starters, I'm too uncoordinated for that, besides... It'd just look like a scene from Dance Your Arse Off. Which would be bad. I'll have to see if anyone is insane enough to marry me first.
-10 days-

two months.

i will see him in two months...

i'm sorry, i know that i probably complain about this a lot... that you're all sick of hearing it. and that you're all sitting there going 'it's two months. get over it.'

but its not that easy...

thats not even a promise, that i'll see him in two months. two months time is just... the next time that its... possible...

i remember when a lesson without him felt like a long time, a night without him, a weekend apart... holidays, two weeks of hell.

and this.. well, i know everyone probably thinks i should be used to it by now. this is, after all, the way it has been since the start of last year...

i know that i still mostly act the same... still able to laugh and smile and joke...

but without him... im not right. i feel like... like half of me is missing. idk, you probably all think im being melodramatic. but sometimes i miss him so much i am literally physically in pain.

two months isnt the longest. i mean, i think the longest was about four...

its just... kinda hard... you know... you see him for like... a couple of hours. maybe. if youre lucky. and then he's ripped away. of course, by "you" i mean "me" or "i" but... im a retard... its just so weird. you go from being fine, to on a massive high, to suddenly finding yourself lost again...

two months is a long time...
-8 days-

well, Princess decided to convince me to sign up to a writing site... so here goes: my first story is called secrets and lies or visit my profile page cos im cool like that. lol.

im just worried no one will like or read anything i post :S

i complained. i know i did.

but it was a great weekend.

actually surprisingly more fun than usual. i suppose everyone is a little older.

we didnt do what we normally do, we branched out a little, tried some new things.

and it was fun really. i just... missed him... and was in pain... and omg it was so fucking cold. like seriously, swear to god, i went to bed every night wearing 3 jumpers, 1 jacket, 1 long sleeve shirt, 2 tshirts, 3 pairs of trackies, one pair of pj pants and four pairs of socks. i also had like a million and one blankets. i swear it WAS that cold. lol.

but it was good. it was nice to have a break :)

close the door, but so its open

climb up, but not too high

take back the words, but we'll never forget what was said

kill yourself, but not so you're dead

its not your fault, but youre totally to blame





if you don't want me to leave don't push me away...
-8 days-

I'm sorry, I was just re-reading your posts... And the comments made on them... Just to make sure I wasn't over reacting too much...

And in your first post... I hadn't even seen your comment until about five seconds ago...

I merely explained to you that it had nothing to do with her, that I would have talked to her about it if it did.

And you respond with what?

'Get off my fucking back! I even apologised to you you stupid bitch! Now leave me alone!'

A) i see absolutely NO apology until three posts later... and B) why the hell should I accept or respect it if you call me a stupid bitch?

Before I was considering that I was over reacting. That maybe the friends who were telling me to lay off, to calm down, to get over it... That maybe they were right. But they weren't.

Don't you dare say I am over reacting. Don't you fucking dare.

I don't understand. I really don't.


So you read a blog. One that I have written. You immediately decide to take it completely out of context and decide to post a rather unkind post about me on your blog, basically threatening me about my blog. Threatening to KILL me may I point out. Something that even if it was a joke, I could have you up on cyber bullying charges for if I was that mean.


Then proceed to inform me that you 'dearly want to help' me. Which may I point out, you have a really funny way of showing. And decide that you have done nothing wrong and it is up to me if i lose a supposedly close friend. which yeah, once you were. but hey, this is the second time this year you've jumped to ridiculous conclusions and thrown around ridiculous accusations.


And then you say 'I even tried to apologise for any wrongs she may have got into her head that i committed.' Look, i'm sorry, and i know that the rest of you probably don't want to read this. And you're all ready to scream at me and tell me i'm being unreasonable and I should just let it go. But i'm sorry. I can't do it. WHEN? WHEN did you try to apologise? And how the hell did you get it into your head that you have done NOTHING wrong?


I'm sorry ben, but you have done a lot wrong. You may have thought that you were protecting lauren. But she didnt fucking need protecting.


how am *I* the one who has done something wrong? I posted a blog because I was upset. I was stressed. I was angry. My blog is where i vent. even more so when I can't talk to charming. Because you know what? not everyone is as fucking lucky as you. Not everyone gets to see him/her most days. not everyone gets that. SOME PEOPLE have to go sometimes months at a time between seeing them. You know i saw him last week, and now I won't see him again until after exams are over? after school has ended.


but anyway, im getting off on a tangent here. what i want to know.... what i NEED to know... is how *I* am the one in the wrong? what the hell did *I* do? and how have *YOU* done *NOTHING* wrong when you are the one sprouting ridiculous accusations... when you are the one who made something out of it in the first place.


i have shit going on in my life right now that you couldn't even imagine. crap that you wouldnt even know i am dealing with because despite what you may think, while im not very good at hiding everything, i hide most things. i know some people dont like it. but... its the way i work. so that i dont weigh other people down with the crap in my life, and with worry for me that they dont need to feel.


my blog is a place where i vent a small portion of the crap going on. and what i decide to say here, i say because i trust that people will listen, and respect what i have to say... and ask questions if you need to, to understand what im on about... but i cannot tolerate people taking what i say out of context. and not only taking it out of context, throwing false accusations, and insane threats at me, when i have done absolutely nothing.

look, i am aware that just about everyone thinks that i am being a bitch... and maybe i am... i dont know. i know that as soon as i post this i am more than likely going to have every one jump down my throat and point out that you apologised in your last post....but you know, after being betrayed so many times by the same person... sometimes an 'I'm sorry' isn't really... enough. especially when it pretty much seems to me like the only reason you said it in the first place is because she is upset we are arguing... and i am sorry to her for that... but then again, its not my fault. is it?

I'm sorry im taking this so badly... and that most people would have just explained.. and it would be over with.. but... i don't even think i can trust you anymore. i think that for me... this might finally be the last straw.

also, to anyone who has been talking to me and trying to make me drop it, or sort it out, thank you. i do appreciate it... but i really need to work this out for myself... i need people to stop medling in my business and telling me what to do. i love you for it. but please, just... stop.