im sorry im hurting you. I'm sorry for it all. I'm sorry that everything I do brings pain. Not just to you, but to so many people.

I'm sorry.

What if things can never change? What if they always need to be a certain way and things can't happen like we would like? What if it has to be this way forever?

What if life is this way for a reason? And nothing ever gets better? Or changes? Or goes our way?

What if the greatest force in the universe is against everything we've all dreamed?

What if things do change? But not the way you want it to?

What if they change in a completely different way to how i want or you want or he wants or they want?

What if you're happy? Well... I'll be happy for you...

But that will be hard...

What if you change your mind?

What if we should just stop trying?

What if this works?

what if i love you...?

i just got the new windows live messenger. its so pretty.



Okay, so I know that I have no room in me right now for guys or love or anything of the sort. Because well... its all too complicated.



http://welcometomyrollercoaster.blogspot.com/2009/01/so-pretty.html

Teeheehee I bought the Home And Away Magazine.

~is excited~

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'

DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.

SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'

DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the man said angrily.

SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'

DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'

SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'

The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard every day for such childish frivolity's.'

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often

The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.'

No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.

'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'The little boy sat straight up, smiling.

'Oh, thank you daddy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.

'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours...

But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

Cos I don't know what to say. And I don't know if it's right to tell you that. And I don't know if you really want to hear it. It amazes me. It really does. I always knew you were strong, you've always been way stronger than me, I'm sure almost everyone in the world knows that. But... I don't know. Is this too much for you?

How honest are you really being with me? How straight are you being with me? Cos... I don't want to hurt you. And I don't want you to think you're hurting me. You're my best friend (well, one of a few). And no matter what happens with us I will love you. Always and forever. But...

No. Not 'but'ing. Not today. Well... Not right now, we can save that for later.

It's just that I am truely sorry.

You can talk to me. And regardless of anything else I do want to hear it. I still want to hear it all.

The only thing is that it hurt me. Not this, not now, not what we said... even though it still hurts like hell, even though the other thing still hurts like hell... Even though everything that has changed...

But I can't even think about it. I can't even talk about it.

Not now, and not today. Not in the near future. And maybe not ever. Maybe none of them will ever find out. Maybe only one of the people who will ever read this will ever know. Because you will read this. But maybe none of the rest of them will ever really know.

But maybe one day... Maybe one day I can try and explain...

Maybe one day, someone will listen.

Maybe one day, things will change.

what a beautiful mess this is, its like picking up trash in dresses...

My name is Leisha. Well, Leisha Nicole. But really, who actually uses their middle names? Well, I guess some people do... But anyway, that's not the point. I'm sixteen years old and I am in year 11. And... Well, in short that's all that there really is to know about me.

I am rather boring.

School. Hmm... Well, my only thoughts on that matter over the past week have pretty much been something along the lines of 'Omg it's so hot. I so don't want to goooooooooo....' as i have pointed out multiple times. Then again, everyone agrees with me so... yeah lol.

But my classes are pretty good. And Lauren and I are skilled enough to be in six out of our seven subjects together, the only real difference being that where I have English, she has photography (she did yr 11 english last year). But aside from that, we're together in all our lessons.

Which involve, two different food subjects (food technology and food and catering), as well as Modern History, Legal studies, Yr 12 Psychology and supervised study (yay! not...).

Modern History has been good so far. Mr Clark is a really interesting teacher, he has heaps of stories to tell and spends most of our lessons (of the two we've had so far lol) talking. Besides, he says we can eat in his class so long as we don't eat chips or pies (cos they'll make him hungry lol). Like seriously today, we're talking about slavery and human rights and hanging people, and he just reaches into his desk drawer and starts eating banana chips. And nuts and such. Besides, we get to study hippies. WOOT! (Yes I know that means Want One Of Those, and no I do not want a hippy, lol, im just excited lol)

Also, somehow he just gets onto the weirdest tangents. For instance today we were discussing hanging people as i said, and it was pretty feral, Mr Clark sure didn't spare us any details. And then, for some reason he randomly starts talking about deoderant ads. And in his exact words 'Seriously, they spray deoderant and five seconds later everyone is getting laid.' Pause for whole class to laugh/be astonished that this just came out of his mouth. 'Now, I always wear deoderant and nobody ever jumps me from the shadows... At least not in the past forty years...'

Yeah, Mr Clark is random and rather funny. But Modern History is so far an enjoyable lesson.

Legal Studies has also been heaps good. We have Mr Tiede who has been my sose teahcer in both year eight and ten. And he is a heaps good teacher, we like love Mr Tiede. So far, Legal has been interesting. We've already learnt a fair bit. And we've only had like two lessons lol. But we have text books... And they're heavy... ~cries~ Lol, oh well. I'm really looking forward to this one though. Legal should be interesting and I'm actually looking forward to being in that class.

Actually... I'm kinda looking forward to it all.

forever and ever is a very long time...
I want to call your name, forever...
And you will always answer, forever...
Both of us will be
Forever, you and me...
Forever and ever...
I want to stay like this, forever...
if only i could promise forever...
Then we will always be
Forever, you and me...
Forever and ever...

Ahh... Children's movies... Depressing stuff...

~cries~

I need you to come here and find me
'Cos without you I'm totally lost
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn't done much good so far
I can only dream of you
Wherever you are

~cries again~

Oh and when I say that, I mean in the sun.

It is soooooooo hot.

I'm serious. Enough about the stupid brain wave... er not brain wave, heatwave. Enough about the stupid heat wave in Melbourne, we've had record breaking temperatures. Last night was the hottest night Adelaide has ever had. And I'll have you know I spent the whole time... well almost all of it aside from the couple of minutes here or there that i actually slept. but i spent the whole time thinking about you.

That wasn't my point though, so you can all just ignore that. My point was, it is hot. So insanely hot. We're had temperatures of above 45 degrees. Like omg hot.

And I don't like the heat, it makes me cranky. More cranky than usual. cranky with you, definitely cranky with you but you know that this is that time of year for me to get cranky with you cos you do stupid things at this time of year... And you, i truely am sorry for getting cranky with... It just sucks. And i am sorry to you that i have been so cranky and probably annoying, because you don't need it. Nor do you actually deserve it.

The weather is annoying.

Hence, I love winter. Or spring. Or autumn. But not summer.

Not summer.

And I can't take it,
What am I waiting for?
My heart's still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could before...

Ah, music.... Don't we just love it? Always a song for every moment. A song to skip past as we scream (or i do anyway) 'No! Not you! I can't deal with you today!' and just keep right on skipping until i find a song that i can bear to listen to. Generally, one that doesn't remind me of you. Although, songs that remind me of you are infinately worse.

Songs that remind me of you... Hmm... Where to begin? Well, its just about everything I own. Music I loved before, I cant stand to listen to anymore because even though you are always on my mind, the music just... forces me to think about you even more than usual.

Maybe we're all that we needed
Two wrongs don't make a right
But I don't care tonight
Maybe we're all that we needed

and...

cos baby im not alright when you're gone
I'm not fine
Please be all mine
I never want you to go because
I am all yours
So please be all mine...

It frustrates me, the fact that I cannot listen to half the music on my iPod because of you and a fair amount of what's left because of you. And of all of that music, off the top of my head I can only think of two or three of those songs. And yet, the amount of times i've thrown my iPod, hissed at my iPod or screamed at my iPod, and all of those who are around me when this happens... is so not funny.

Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head...

As those of you who have been following my old blog will realise, the blog "singin' in the rain cos i got my umbrella and my dancin' shoes" has been deleted. ~cries~ I'm not sure how, seeing as it was there this morning and gone tonight. However, i do suck with computers lol. So it really shouldn't be that surprising for most of you.

Thats just how skilled I am.

Anyway, new blog, new year, new me... well kinda.

I have no choice but to change this year. Everything in my life has changed. And so have i.

Your towel has a dog face.

Your arguement is in valid.

Lauren gave me ice coffee.

And not just like Farmers Union or whatever. we made it. and oh my gosh it tastes so good.

I'm like, completely hyperactive. and yet not at the same time. I feel sooooo lethargic. Its too hot for anything. I was wet and now im dry. Just like that. Cos of the pool. And the heat.

Oh and i have a big mouth. Things have a tendancy of slipping out when i dont want them to.

Whoops.

Oh. My. Gosh.

It is so hot.

And they're going on about how theres a heat wave in Victoria! It's not even hot there, its only 41. i would KILL for 41. and for the rest of the week its like 30. how exactly is that a heatwave? im like... Going to die.

I hate summer.

Then again im at lauren's and she has a pool. so, as long as i can be here its not so bad. lol. but its still hot when youre not in the pool.

You know we have every class except one together this semester. its so great lol. i love it.

Because i'm like scared of the mainstream kids in our year. theyre not exactly bright and it gets frustrating.

going back in pool yay

And now i'm worried about you.

cos you disappeared an hour ago and you haven't come back.

You're just talking to your mum. I know that. But... I'm not sure... It just... sounded serious.

So either something is wrong, or you're explaining certain things. And either way that is maybe bad.

Well, if something is wrong, then it is definitely bad news.

And if not then i guess it all depends on how the aforementioned certain things are taken.

Well... I guess good luck...

I just have this sinking feeling in my stomach, that if this doesn't go bad, something else is about to.

Then again, maybe I'm just weird.

Alright, so evidently there is something wrong with me... =S

I'm sorry for that sudden outburst. And every other sudden outburst i have had, and will have.

And I truely am sorry. But, you say that it will go away, and that it's not going to hurt this much for the rest of my life. And I know that. I do know that.

But it hasn't gone away. It's not gone, its there. And i have to wake up every day and remember that. I have to deal with that every single day. I have to deal with not only my own hurt, but also knowing that I am hurting other people as well with my actions.

I know that it will go away, but it hasn't even been two weeks yet. And yet for some reason everyone expects me to be fine.

I know that I seem different. At least a little. Happier. And guess what, i really am. And i am trying to stay that way. But that's not the product of this.

The product of this, is pain and misery to both of us.

But just because I seem happier, just because I am happier, and just because im trying to be happier, doesn't mean that everything is okay. Everything is not okay.

Nobody seems to realise (well aside from Lauren i think and branden maybe) that this is still painful for me, even if im no showing that to the whole freaking world. Guess what? I'm trying to be the strong one for once in my life. But i'm failing. And i know that I'm failing. But I have to try. I have to try and keep a brave face. Because I cannot deal with my own pain right now. I can't deal with your pain or yours and i really hope you realise that your pain is way too much for me right now... But, I will try and handle it. Because I always do. Because I am me, and that is what I do.

But it's hasn't even been two weeks. Give me time........

Alright, so evidently there is something wrong with me... =S

I'm sorry for that sudden outburst. And every other sudden outburst i have had, and will have.

And I truely am sorry. But, you say that it will go away, and that it's not going to hurt this much for the rest of my life. And I know that. I do know that.

But it hasn't gone away. It's not gone, its there. And i have to wake up every day and remember that. I have to deal with that every single day. I have to deal with not only my own hurt, but also knowing that I am hurting other people as well with my actions.

I know that it will go away, but it hasn't even been two weeks yet. And yet for some reason everyone expects me to be fine.

I know that I seem different. At least a little. Happier. And guess what, i really am. And i am trying to stay that way. But that's not the product of this.

The product of this, is pain and misery to both of us.

But just because I seem happier, just because I am happier, and just because im trying to be happier, doesn't mean that everything is okay. Everything is not okay.

Nobody seems to realise (well aside from Lauren i think and branden maybe) that this is still painful for me, even if im no showing that to the whole freaking world. Guess what? I'm trying to be the strong one for once in my life. But i'm failing. And i know that I'm failing. But I have to try. I have to try and keep a brave face. Because I cannot deal with my own pain right now. I can't deal with your pain or yours and i really hope you realise that your pain is way too much for me right now... But, I will try and handle it. Because I always do. Because I am me, and that is what I do.

But it's hasn't even been two weeks. Give me time........

Okay, lets get something straight here.

I am not pregnant.

That is not the reason for us breaking up. Okay? I am not. And I will not be. Until well after I'm married. I swear on my own life that unless my kid was the immaculate conception, there is no possibility of me being pregnant now. Or before I get married. It's not going to happen.

And anyone who knows me properly, knows that that is true.

I mean no offense to anybody in saying this, but I am not that sort of girl. If you all want to be sluts and end up pregnant, feel free. But I'm not. Okay?

So LEAVE ME ALONE!

Its amazing the amount of songs i cannot bring myself to listen to anymore.

Lyrics that I used to love now cut into me like a thousand razor sharp knives, leaving me bleeding in pieces on the floor.

Songs that once were my heart and soul are now too painful to listen to.

And I wish they weren't.

Then again maybe there is just some music i should avoid.

Well, you’re supposed to type in green the things you’ve done so readers can find out how you've led an awesome life so far.Here's what I have done in green...(I still have a lot of living to do!!).

What are you waiting for, copy and paste this onto your blog.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (well, sung in one anyway lol)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain. MT OGGIE! lol
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort...
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run (I did it on the Wii!)
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (the amount it takes to see a movie or go out with friends and such is all i need lol)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris...
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud...
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter,
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar... YUCK
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (and it wasnt my own either)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life...
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day