this is a battle and its our final last call...

i dont even know what to say anymore. im giving up pretending cos i dont know who it is that i want to pretend to be anymore. not myself. i know that much. but... not who i have been either. i just... im tired of being fake. and it hasnt saved me anything anyway, it hasnt helped at all. but then... i dont know how to be real.

i dont know how to be myself anymore and im too scared that if i really AM myself you'll all just go running for the hills. some people have promised to love me unconditionally (or unless i kill your sister :P) but... others havent always been so solid. and when the going gets tough, they've been known not to stick around, not to even really care abotu anyone aside from themself.

But if i stop pretending... well, a couple of you know who i am anyway, and still love me... but...

what if i stop pretending and i lose everything? everyone...?

i dont even know anymore... but im sick of pretending to be someone im not. and im sick of having people hate me anyway.

i guess essentially i know the people who have always been there, i know the people who are willing to listen, who are willing to be there for me. i know all of the people i've been there for who have decided not to care when i needed someone. i know the people who i might lose....

i know the people who have been quick to believe bad things about me, the people who have spread rumours, the people who are so quick to judge.

i may seem like i brush things off and then im alright... but... i struggle more than a lot of you might know.

im sorry to the people i've been fake to.

but im having enough trouble dealing with all my own crap, with all the stuff going on inside my head. i have been miserable enough. and im happier at the moment. i really am. so believe it or not, the smiles in the past while? when you accused me of being more fake then ever? well in actual fact they were maybe the most true, most real smiles you've seen from me in a long time.

i was fake so that everyone else didnt need to deal with my misery. believe it or not, it was for you. i was still dealing with it. well... sort of anyway... but i didnt want to subject the rest of you to it. alright? im sorry.

--i'll fake one more smile for you--