Friday, April 3, 2009

ive seen you smile but ive never heard you laugh...

you know i was saying this morning that i was scared that if i show the world who i really am i'll lose everything and everyone. but to be honest, i dont know who i even have left. im being such a brat lately and i know that i probably DO deserve every mark on me, every word being said about me behind my back. But... not for the reasons youre all doing it.

I deserve it, yes. But i dont deserve it for your reasoning.

In fact, none of you know whats wrong with me at all because only one person has bothered to try and find out. And she knows as much as anyone is going to know. But you want to know why she knows? Because regardless of any of the other shit, she is the one who actually CARES.

Again, not that im saying that the rest of you dont care. A lot of you do and i know that.

I guess im just so freaking sick of being there for, and supporting people when they aren't there for me when i need them. When there is always someone or something more important.

im going to sound incredibly selfish here, and i know im probably being selfish before all of you comment and tell me that. But im tired of putting other people first, and always coming last.

Im so sick of being there for everyone else and trying to convince myself 'its okay, they'll be there for me too... when i really need them...' but you know so many people proved to me otherwise. so many people showed me that they just didnt care...

so many people expected me to be there for them when they really had no problems, when i was falling apart. and i sat there, and dealt with their minor issues thinking 'its okay, soon it will be my turn and they will be there for me'.

i listened to you all bitch and whine, whine and bitch for sometimes hours on end. day in, day out until i just broke.

until i got to the stage where i am now.

where i guess id say i know who my true friends are, and i know the ones who arent. i know the ones who will always be there, and the ones who will be so quick to judge, so quick to believe things about me that arent true, and so quick to hurt me without thinking about how i would feel.

But then there are so many people that i just... miss.

i miss the way things were. and i miss how we were. i miss how we used to be so close and how now, i hardly know you. i miss talking to you heaps and how now we're at war.

i miss being able to smile and laugh, i miss not always being on the verge of tears. i miss lunch times of joking around, hanging out, talking, being with friends, and not feeling like i dont belong there anymore.

im sorry im being bitchy. im sorry im being bratty. im sorry i speak before i think and that i say things i dont mean.

--im sorry i exist--


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