dont come to me.

i feel like im drunk. if this is what im like when i am drunk then dont ever let me get drunk. im so bleh. nothing i say makes much sense at the moment cos the thing is the i dont messed head up. and then realised that makes sense. wait. no sense.

shine.

like shunshine.

i mean sunshine

only with out the sun.

i feel like im drunk. did i say that already? theres something wrong with me. really wrong with me. bleh. schools over in ten minutes. yay. but i dont get to go home until 4.30 so that saddness me. thingo has ouch.

the whatsamejig sucks. i dont want to. i want to whats the word? sleep. i remember. she made me remember. im such a loser. im so tired. bleh.

bad days suck. they drain you of whatsythingo.

this post probably makes no sense. ignore me.

once a whore, you're nothing more, i'm sorry that'll never change.

and now i dont even remember. i just logged on to actually SAY something but i havent got a clue what on earth it was.

so, chinese new year. i cant type. or spell for that matter. and sam...? why was i writing about chinese new year? Oh, to bring up a new topic that hasn't really been brought into our blogging ... 'ring'...?

OCD. yes. that is me. you know i was thinking im like actually totally monica from friends lol. she's like my carbon copy. or am i hers...? idk. but then again considering you guys think branden is ross (also fairly accurate) then maybe not... cos that would make me going out with my brother and that would just be...

incest. lol. remember that letter i wrote you telling you i loved you that somehow lead to me blabbing on and on about incest. and how it wasnt in an incestial way (incestial...? is that a word?)cos i said something about you being like my brother...? idk... but i randomly thought of that cos sam said im ocd.

which i am.

purple is pretty.

i cant spell.

i love you.

I'm curious about whether I'm the only one who isn't quite ready to go back yet. I mean... I don't know. School. The 'best years of your life'...? Well, I don't know about you. But I'm having a little difficulty seeing that.

It's the work. It's the politics. It's the friends you make. And it's the friends you lose. It's the stupid things that make everything turn to crap. It's the silliest things that make you feel like you're on top of the world. One of my friends has it about right. 'Welcome to my roller coaster' she said. Well, that's it.

School. Our 'roller coaster'. Our lives that are filled with ups and downs that mean the world to us now.

While it may have been one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time, it had a point. 'When you're young, everything feels like the end of the world.'

And it does. It's a big deal now. But in ten years, we'll look back and it probably won't matter. You know why they think it's the best? It's like when we look back on our camps, and we forget the times we cried, we forget the lack of sleep, we forget the boring museums and galleries, we forget the fights, we forget the petty bitching, we forget the guys we had crushes on who snubbed us, we forget the traumatic bus ride (whether it was the first or last on Canberra for those of you who were there i don't know. Have to say last for me, no offense meant to Mercy or Louise. I love you both lol). In short, we forget the bad parts. And yet we still sit around saying, 'hey, do you remember....' or 'i want to go back to KI...' or 'this camp would have been better with soandso there as well...'

They look back on high school as see it as their best years because they leave out all the crap. The leave out the sense of isolation. They leave out the bitching and the tears (especially those they caused themself). The homework (ugh, must do that :S). They remember the best parts. The laughter. The stupid lunchtimes. The corruptions of once innocent minds. The jokes. The friendships.

The people who mattered to them and meant something to them, and the good times they've shared.

So I guess that's the aim for school. Not to focus on the negatives. And not to let things get us down. To enjoy the fun we can have together, the relationships we can build back up to something stronger that before. To remember that now, while we're young, everything seems like the end of the world. And that one day... It won't be so bad.

--itoldyounottofallinlovewithme--

this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming 'hallelujah'
we'll make it last forever

when the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away. when the night comes you wonder if you shouldn't find some place to run and hide, escape the pain, but hiding is such lonely thing to do. i cant stop the rain from falling down on you again. i cant stop the rain, but i will hold you until it goes away. when the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done. when the storm fades you know the rain must fall on everyone. so rest a while, it'll be alright. noone loves you like i do. i cant stop the rain from falling down on you again. i cant stop the rain but i will hold you. i cant stop the rain from falling down on you again. i cant stop the rain but i will hold you until it goes away...

this is for you poor sad people who have never sung some of the all-time best known, most sung campfire songs in history, another one to add to the nothing song.

dough the stuff that buys me beer
ray, the one who buys the beer
me the person that drinks the beer
far, the distance to my beer
so, lets have another beer
La, lalalalala beer
Tea? no thanks. Im drinking beer.
And that will bring us back to dough, dough, dough, dough, dough the stuff that buys me beer....

enjoy lol. feel free to comment with others lol!

nothing nothing nothing nothing
we do nothing all day long
nothing nothing nothing nothing
listen to our nothing song

SAME SONG, SECOND VERSE
COULD BE BETTER BUT ITS GONNA BE WORSE

nothing nothing nothing nothing
we do nothing all day long
nothing nothing nothing nothing
listen to our nothing song

SAME SONG, THIRD VERSE
COULD BE BETTER BUT ITS GONNA BE WORSE

nothing nothing nothing nothing
we do nothing all day long
nothing nothing nothing nothing
listen to our nothing song

SAME SONG, FOURTH VERSE
COULD BE BETTER BUT ITS GONNA BE WORSE

nothing nothing nothing nothing
we do nothing all day long
nothing nothing nothing nothing
listen to our nothing song

wash me clean, wash me clean

am i the only one who came back from that feeling completely new and refreshed?

you know... it was just a real shock to the system everything that happened that weekend.

i know that you still dont believe me, and thats okay because if i were in your shoes i dont know that id believe me either. id want to. but i dont think i would. then again im just not very good at trusting people. even those closest to me.

but in any event im glad things are somewhat back to normal there, because i missed you.

it was such a strange feeling sunday night. i didnt know if i was happy or sad or... idk... so many thoughts were running through my head. but as we sat down for hot milo before bed, and i remembered back to last year, the two of us sitting up really late talking with her... and remembering all that we talked about, all that i was feeling at the time, all that was running through my head...

i dont know if i can even explain how amazing that feeling was, the feeling of feeling light and having everythign lifted off my shoulders for just those few seconds.

running into the courtyard with louise i just yelled out 'im alive' and i dont think id ever felt so free in my entire life.

so today i will tell you i am alive. that a year later, i am still alive.

and that amazes me.

isnt it sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew? and when someone you love becomes someone you loved?

im sorry, but i cant do this anymore...

so i'll lay down my pride because you laid down your life and im giving up all thats holding me back and clinging to you... you'll lead me through, cos you always do...

i was wondering why, what keeps me alive when the water i drink and the air that i breathe is dry?

one thing i do know is that even if the stars fall like rain, even if tomorrow never came, even if the world i know should crumble, even if the sun left the sky, even if these tears will never dry, even if the mountains fall and tumble... i realise this time i'll be fine cos you give me joy, you give me hope, you give me love that never changes... you love me for who i am... all the torn, broken pieces... and for that, i will be eternally grateful...

its easy to realise i was wrong. as soon as i take my own feelings and emotions out of a situation, it is so simple to see what was right in front of my eyes all along.

once my own emotions are under control and carefully tucked away to be let out in front of only two people in the entire world... thats when i can see each situation for what it really is.

every party needs a pooper
so it might as well be you
party pooper
party pooper
thats you george

feel free to hate me just let me die in peace

its so clear now that you are all that i have.

you know i was saying this morning that i was scared that if i show the world who i really am i'll lose everything and everyone. but to be honest, i dont know who i even have left. im being such a brat lately and i know that i probably DO deserve every mark on me, every word being said about me behind my back. But... not for the reasons youre all doing it.

I deserve it, yes. But i dont deserve it for your reasoning.

In fact, none of you know whats wrong with me at all because only one person has bothered to try and find out. And she knows as much as anyone is going to know. But you want to know why she knows? Because regardless of any of the other shit, she is the one who actually CARES.

Again, not that im saying that the rest of you dont care. A lot of you do and i know that.

I guess im just so freaking sick of being there for, and supporting people when they aren't there for me when i need them. When there is always someone or something more important.

im going to sound incredibly selfish here, and i know im probably being selfish before all of you comment and tell me that. But im tired of putting other people first, and always coming last.

Im so sick of being there for everyone else and trying to convince myself 'its okay, they'll be there for me too... when i really need them...' but you know so many people proved to me otherwise. so many people showed me that they just didnt care...

so many people expected me to be there for them when they really had no problems, when i was falling apart. and i sat there, and dealt with their minor issues thinking 'its okay, soon it will be my turn and they will be there for me'.

i listened to you all bitch and whine, whine and bitch for sometimes hours on end. day in, day out until i just broke.

until i got to the stage where i am now.

where i guess id say i know who my true friends are, and i know the ones who arent. i know the ones who will always be there, and the ones who will be so quick to judge, so quick to believe things about me that arent true, and so quick to hurt me without thinking about how i would feel.

But then there are so many people that i just... miss.

i miss the way things were. and i miss how we were. i miss how we used to be so close and how now, i hardly know you. i miss talking to you heaps and how now we're at war.

i miss being able to smile and laugh, i miss not always being on the verge of tears. i miss lunch times of joking around, hanging out, talking, being with friends, and not feeling like i dont belong there anymore.

im sorry im being bitchy. im sorry im being bratty. im sorry i speak before i think and that i say things i dont mean.

--im sorry i exist--

i dont even know what to say anymore. im giving up pretending cos i dont know who it is that i want to pretend to be anymore. not myself. i know that much. but... not who i have been either. i just... im tired of being fake. and it hasnt saved me anything anyway, it hasnt helped at all. but then... i dont know how to be real.

i dont know how to be myself anymore and im too scared that if i really AM myself you'll all just go running for the hills. some people have promised to love me unconditionally (or unless i kill your sister :P) but... others havent always been so solid. and when the going gets tough, they've been known not to stick around, not to even really care abotu anyone aside from themself.

But if i stop pretending... well, a couple of you know who i am anyway, and still love me... but...

what if i stop pretending and i lose everything? everyone...?

i dont even know anymore... but im sick of pretending to be someone im not. and im sick of having people hate me anyway.

i guess essentially i know the people who have always been there, i know the people who are willing to listen, who are willing to be there for me. i know all of the people i've been there for who have decided not to care when i needed someone. i know the people who i might lose....

i know the people who have been quick to believe bad things about me, the people who have spread rumours, the people who are so quick to judge.

i may seem like i brush things off and then im alright... but... i struggle more than a lot of you might know.

im sorry to the people i've been fake to.

but im having enough trouble dealing with all my own crap, with all the stuff going on inside my head. i have been miserable enough. and im happier at the moment. i really am. so believe it or not, the smiles in the past while? when you accused me of being more fake then ever? well in actual fact they were maybe the most true, most real smiles you've seen from me in a long time.

i was fake so that everyone else didnt need to deal with my misery. believe it or not, it was for you. i was still dealing with it. well... sort of anyway... but i didnt want to subject the rest of you to it. alright? im sorry.

--i'll fake one more smile for you--

yep, my patheticness gets worse. but isnt it pretty?

spent quite a while discussing weddings with a few of you. but honestly, two of us agreed these bridesmaid dresses were hideous, and one of us seemed to actually LIKE them. like OMG. (no offence hun, theyre hideous) so let me know your opinion if you want to lol

so we've been talking about it again. weddings. why do we do it? lol. but i think i have decided on the style of my bridesmaids dresses. of course it might change a thousand times between now and when/if that ever happens. And not this colour lol.