yay for lesbian half plastic sadistic soft porn foursomes in empty cinemas instead of homework :P

So... I thought it was about time some of you actually understood this properly.

Those people who talk to me often enough will have heard, at some stage, at least a mention of how much I want kids. Not right now obviously. But in the future. You may have heard me mention some names that I like, or alternately hate. Or names that I'm considering. Or debating the advantages of having just two children.

Although I suppose I've always wanted four.

And when I say always... Well, I've always wanted kids. ALWAYS.

***

I was seven.

Even back then I had difficulty sleeping at night. I would lay awake in bed for what felt like forever! Although I suppose that it was probably only an hour or so. It was probably only 7.30, 8 o'clock.

I used to wear this nightgown to bed. One that my favourite aunt had given me. It was white, and had pink stitching and was pink around the neck, and where the sleeves ended just past my wrists. On the front there was a picture of Ariel, Sebastion and Flounder (from Disney's Little Mermaid if you didn't know that already). I used to love it.

At this stage, I was aspiring to be just like Elyse. A family friend whom I still look up to, and think of as a role model even though she's now twenty and I'm almost seventeen. And Elyse has this stuffed toy collection.

I loved her stuffed toy collection. She had so many. And me, of course, in my seven year old ways... I wanted to be just like her. I couldn't work out how to turn my hair red, or to look as pretty as her (poor little seven year olds, so deprived of the use of hair dye and make up). So I had to settle with the next best thing. A stuffed toy collection.

And I started to get a pretty big one also.

Even at seven I wanted to be a mother. Me and my older cousin Sheree used to spend hours planning our lives, and the lives of our siblings. There are seven of us all together. She had always wanted five children, just as I, even at seven, wanted four. We had planned the names and genders of our children. We had planned our siblings children. Names and genders. I know Sheree still remembers her entire list of possible names, while there are only two on the possible list that I still remember and like.

So there's me. A seven year old, who really wants to have children one day, who cannot sleep, with a massive collection of stuffed toys.

I used to play all sorts of games with my toys during those few hours every night, between when I was sent to bed, and when me parents went to bed and the house grew dark and quiet and I could finally sleep.

Sometimes, and now that I start I'm a little embarrassed to even be telling these stories, I would stuff as many toys under my nightgown as I could and walk around my room pretending to be pregnant. I would then have the 'babies' which would just miraculously appear out of my nightgown regardless of whether it was possible to have twenty seven babies at one time or not (that was the most I ever managed to 'give birth to' lol).

I would play games where they started as babies and grew up. Where I would spend ages going through the different years of their life. They would come and talk to me about school and problems and boyfriends and girlfriends and class mates and any other problems they had. Because I was their mother, and I loved them. Even though they were only stuffed toys...

And then some other times the game would be that two of them were getting married. I suppose that would be around about when I started planning and thinking about my own wedding as well. But these games were quite complex.

I don't even know how to explain it.

It makes me sound really pathetic I'm sure. And I really am somewhat embarrassed to even be writing this in the first place. I wasn't going to tell anyone about this lol... But I think there are a few people who maybe need to understand a few things about me, and the way I think. So yeah...

I've always wanted kids. I've had ideas about my wedding for a very long time. And while I'm not saying they're set in stone, I am saying that I know what I want. I know what I have wanted since I was just a little girl.

So I hope that clears some stuff up for a few of you. And if you haven't been talking to me about this in the past while... Well, enjoy laughing at my patheticness :P

I am not terribly fond of bad days. None of us are though I suppose.

I think possibly the worst part of it is that I know exactly what is wrong, but that I cannot do anything about it. Instead I am forced just to let it slowly eat away at me until I snap and scream. Or say something mean or out of line that isn't even true most of the time, just because I want someone else to hurt too.

Which then makes me sound absolutely mean and spiteful. Which I wasn't once upon a time.

And now I'm not so sure.

What do you do when you don't even like who you are anymore? Then again I haven't liked myself for a long time. I guess it's more that I'm realising what I put other people through now...

And that's just making everything worse.

I can't even say what the real reason is.

Not that it would matter if I did I suppose, I don't think anyone actually reads this anyway. I suppose I just write it to get the crap out of my head.

You know, it doesn't even matter anyway.

Maybe everyone should just froget it...

And forget me...

I wish we could go back
To the beginning
Because there's something missing
From your eyes.

We lost a lifetime
When I disappeared,
Now I am coming
Back to you.

I wish I could fly,
I know I can save us somehow.
You thought you were safe and sound
But you need a hero now.
You gotta believe
Even with broken wings,
I've come to your rescue and you can't rescue me.

Summer's the season
But you're cold and freezing,
If there's a reason,
It's a lie.

When did I lose you,
I need you to pull through,
The weight of the world never felt so alive.

I wish I could fly,
I know I can save us somehow.
You thought you were safe and sound
But you need a hero now.
You gotta believe
Even with broken wings,
I've come to your rescue and you can't rescue me.

who will love you? who will fight? who will fall far behind?

if this is 'genius', keep being stupid.

if this is luck, then dont lose it.

I dont want this to change.

She closed her eyes and leaned back into him, sighing as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. This was it, where she wanted to be. This was where she could happily spend all of the days of her life.

This was home.

Safe. And yet she was afraid. He wouldn't have even known that. He watched the movie that played on the screen in front of them. But she kept her eyes closed, wrapped up in him. She was too afraid to open her eyes. Too afraid to discover it had all been a dream. Too afraid to open her eyes and and discover he wasn't there.

Too afraid to be without him anymore.

dont come to me.

i feel like im drunk. if this is what im like when i am drunk then dont ever let me get drunk. im so bleh. nothing i say makes much sense at the moment cos the thing is the i dont messed head up. and then realised that makes sense. wait. no sense.

shine.

like shunshine.

i mean sunshine

only with out the sun.

i feel like im drunk. did i say that already? theres something wrong with me. really wrong with me. bleh. schools over in ten minutes. yay. but i dont get to go home until 4.30 so that saddness me. thingo has ouch.

the whatsamejig sucks. i dont want to. i want to whats the word? sleep. i remember. she made me remember. im such a loser. im so tired. bleh.

bad days suck. they drain you of whatsythingo.

this post probably makes no sense. ignore me.

once a whore, you're nothing more, i'm sorry that'll never change.

and now i dont even remember. i just logged on to actually SAY something but i havent got a clue what on earth it was.

so, chinese new year. i cant type. or spell for that matter. and sam...? why was i writing about chinese new year? Oh, to bring up a new topic that hasn't really been brought into our blogging ... 'ring'...?

OCD. yes. that is me. you know i was thinking im like actually totally monica from friends lol. she's like my carbon copy. or am i hers...? idk. but then again considering you guys think branden is ross (also fairly accurate) then maybe not... cos that would make me going out with my brother and that would just be...

incest. lol. remember that letter i wrote you telling you i loved you that somehow lead to me blabbing on and on about incest. and how it wasnt in an incestial way (incestial...? is that a word?)cos i said something about you being like my brother...? idk... but i randomly thought of that cos sam said im ocd.

which i am.

purple is pretty.

i cant spell.

i love you.

I'm curious about whether I'm the only one who isn't quite ready to go back yet. I mean... I don't know. School. The 'best years of your life'...? Well, I don't know about you. But I'm having a little difficulty seeing that.

It's the work. It's the politics. It's the friends you make. And it's the friends you lose. It's the stupid things that make everything turn to crap. It's the silliest things that make you feel like you're on top of the world. One of my friends has it about right. 'Welcome to my roller coaster' she said. Well, that's it.

School. Our 'roller coaster'. Our lives that are filled with ups and downs that mean the world to us now.

While it may have been one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time, it had a point. 'When you're young, everything feels like the end of the world.'

And it does. It's a big deal now. But in ten years, we'll look back and it probably won't matter. You know why they think it's the best? It's like when we look back on our camps, and we forget the times we cried, we forget the lack of sleep, we forget the boring museums and galleries, we forget the fights, we forget the petty bitching, we forget the guys we had crushes on who snubbed us, we forget the traumatic bus ride (whether it was the first or last on Canberra for those of you who were there i don't know. Have to say last for me, no offense meant to Mercy or Louise. I love you both lol). In short, we forget the bad parts. And yet we still sit around saying, 'hey, do you remember....' or 'i want to go back to KI...' or 'this camp would have been better with soandso there as well...'

They look back on high school as see it as their best years because they leave out all the crap. The leave out the sense of isolation. They leave out the bitching and the tears (especially those they caused themself). The homework (ugh, must do that :S). They remember the best parts. The laughter. The stupid lunchtimes. The corruptions of once innocent minds. The jokes. The friendships.

The people who mattered to them and meant something to them, and the good times they've shared.

So I guess that's the aim for school. Not to focus on the negatives. And not to let things get us down. To enjoy the fun we can have together, the relationships we can build back up to something stronger that before. To remember that now, while we're young, everything seems like the end of the world. And that one day... It won't be so bad.

--itoldyounottofallinlovewithme--

this time we're not giving up
let's make it last forever
screaming 'hallelujah'
we'll make it last forever

when the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away. when the night comes you wonder if you shouldn't find some place to run and hide, escape the pain, but hiding is such lonely thing to do. i cant stop the rain from falling down on you again. i cant stop the rain, but i will hold you until it goes away. when the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done. when the storm fades you know the rain must fall on everyone. so rest a while, it'll be alright. noone loves you like i do. i cant stop the rain from falling down on you again. i cant stop the rain but i will hold you. i cant stop the rain from falling down on you again. i cant stop the rain but i will hold you until it goes away...

this is for you poor sad people who have never sung some of the all-time best known, most sung campfire songs in history, another one to add to the nothing song.

dough the stuff that buys me beer
ray, the one who buys the beer
me the person that drinks the beer
far, the distance to my beer
so, lets have another beer
La, lalalalala beer
Tea? no thanks. Im drinking beer.
And that will bring us back to dough, dough, dough, dough, dough the stuff that buys me beer....

enjoy lol. feel free to comment with others lol!

nothing nothing nothing nothing
we do nothing all day long
nothing nothing nothing nothing
listen to our nothing song

SAME SONG, SECOND VERSE
COULD BE BETTER BUT ITS GONNA BE WORSE

nothing nothing nothing nothing
we do nothing all day long
nothing nothing nothing nothing
listen to our nothing song

SAME SONG, THIRD VERSE
COULD BE BETTER BUT ITS GONNA BE WORSE

nothing nothing nothing nothing
we do nothing all day long
nothing nothing nothing nothing
listen to our nothing song

SAME SONG, FOURTH VERSE
COULD BE BETTER BUT ITS GONNA BE WORSE

nothing nothing nothing nothing
we do nothing all day long
nothing nothing nothing nothing
listen to our nothing song

wash me clean, wash me clean

am i the only one who came back from that feeling completely new and refreshed?

you know... it was just a real shock to the system everything that happened that weekend.

i know that you still dont believe me, and thats okay because if i were in your shoes i dont know that id believe me either. id want to. but i dont think i would. then again im just not very good at trusting people. even those closest to me.

but in any event im glad things are somewhat back to normal there, because i missed you.

it was such a strange feeling sunday night. i didnt know if i was happy or sad or... idk... so many thoughts were running through my head. but as we sat down for hot milo before bed, and i remembered back to last year, the two of us sitting up really late talking with her... and remembering all that we talked about, all that i was feeling at the time, all that was running through my head...

i dont know if i can even explain how amazing that feeling was, the feeling of feeling light and having everythign lifted off my shoulders for just those few seconds.

running into the courtyard with louise i just yelled out 'im alive' and i dont think id ever felt so free in my entire life.

so today i will tell you i am alive. that a year later, i am still alive.

and that amazes me.

isnt it sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew? and when someone you love becomes someone you loved?

im sorry, but i cant do this anymore...

so i'll lay down my pride because you laid down your life and im giving up all thats holding me back and clinging to you... you'll lead me through, cos you always do...

i was wondering why, what keeps me alive when the water i drink and the air that i breathe is dry?

one thing i do know is that even if the stars fall like rain, even if tomorrow never came, even if the world i know should crumble, even if the sun left the sky, even if these tears will never dry, even if the mountains fall and tumble... i realise this time i'll be fine cos you give me joy, you give me hope, you give me love that never changes... you love me for who i am... all the torn, broken pieces... and for that, i will be eternally grateful...

its easy to realise i was wrong. as soon as i take my own feelings and emotions out of a situation, it is so simple to see what was right in front of my eyes all along.

once my own emotions are under control and carefully tucked away to be let out in front of only two people in the entire world... thats when i can see each situation for what it really is.

every party needs a pooper
so it might as well be you
party pooper
party pooper
thats you george