Yes dear faithful readers (not that any exist lol). it is entirely possible for me to be even more pathetic. I know names. Yeah, names of my future kids. And if i dont have two girls and one boy i am going to be absolutely devastated. Unless i just have two kids... and then im yet to decide.

I want at least one girl no matter what.

And if any of you steal the name i want, you can go die in a hole. Or i shall murder you.

Either, or both.

save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel... when really they have no idea...

Look after my heart, i left it with you...

is this just in my head...?

damn, that day doesnt fall on a weekend (well.. not one that i'll legally be able to get married on anyway :P) until 2016.

i'll be so OLD then. lol. like 24...?

Oh well... you can all get a weekday off work to come to my wedding whenever i have it :P

I have to just add one more thing here...

I even know the date i want to get married on. Yep, sad I know. But i know the exact date I want to get married on.

I mean, its subject to change i suppose... But... I dont think it will. I'm fairly certain on that one and it'll take me a lot of convincing to change that. i dont care if its not a weekend or whatever, i know the date i want and youre all getting it off work to come to my wedding lol.

Yep, i am completely sad. I have no life. None. At all. As evidenced by this blog, and the one before it.

You know what's quite stupid? Because i've been listening to Love Song by Taylor Swift, I was thinking about my wedding. I mean, I may not even get married. Who knows?

'He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said -
Marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone
I love you and thats all i really know
I talked to your dad - go pick out a white dress
Its a love story, baby just say...
yes...'

But... the thing is, i know pretty much how i want most parts of my wedding. i mean... Theres plenty of stuff i havent even bagan to think about. But there is so much that i think about and just go, 'yep, its going to be exactly like this.'

For instance my wedding dress. I know EXACTLY what my wedding dress is going to look like. Exactly. (and if any of you lovely girlies steal it, there'll be consequences :P) ...(totally not kidding lol). I can picture exactly how i will look, and i know who would at this stage be my bridesmaids.

I can see the flowers, and the tables at the reception. I can picture almost everything...

Why is it that we care so much about one day anyway?

I don't really know... But I do. (teehee 'i do'... not intended lol). I can't explain it, i just... I'm not engaged, or anywhere close to it lol. But my wedding day is already a huge big deal to me. And to be honest i guess i dont know why.

I suppose it means i've found someone who loves me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. And that would be no easy feat, believe me. But the fact that that would mean i'd found someone stupid enough to want to be with me, who loves me enough... And i guess your wedding day is a day to make that known and stuff... i cant express it, but it makes perfect sense in my head. Yeah, thats great Leish, not much good to anyone bothing to read this eh?

it doesnt even matter. i probably wont get married anyway. And lauren, 'i shall end an old maid and teach your children how to sew and knit'.

I'm not afraid to fall it means i climbed up high to fall is not to fail you fail when you don't try not afraid to fall i might just learn to fly and i will spread these wings of mine I'm not afraid to fall and here i told you so don't want to rock the boat but i just had to know just a greener side or can i touch the sky but either way i will have tried i'm not afraid to fall I've fallen many times they laughed when i fell down but i have dared to climb I'm not afraid to fall i know i'll fall again but i can win this in the end If i get up i might fall back down again I might fall back down again






...im sorry...

I hope you didn't expect to get all of the attention, lets not get selfish did you really think i'd let you kill this chorus?

somedays i make it through but then theres nights that never end...



argh. ~hates homework~ stupid teachers and their stupid assigning of stupid homework ~bashes school work with baseball bats~ i dont want to tonight... ~burns our school and that of each of our friends down so that we wont have to go for a while~

Who's up for coffee tomorrow? there won't be a school for any of you to go to anyway =P

...i love you and that's all i really know...

right here, right now, i'm looking at you and my heart loves the veiw, cos you mean everything... right here, right now, i promise you somehow, that tomorrow can wait for some other day to be, cos right now there's you and me... cos i know that where you are is where i should be too... right here, right now, i'm looking at you...

And my heart loves the veiw...

Cos you mean everything....

the time is currently 12.15 am. i am at laurens place, SLEEPOVER YAY! lol theres me simone kelsey and lauren. i think kel and simone are fairly tame but me and lauren i swear we are so high that it wouldnt surprise me if someone thought we were on drugs lol. we arent by the way. but so far tonight we have consumed a hell of a lot of junk food, watched both mona lisa smile and erin brockovich (all you got is two wrong feet and ****ing ugly shoes :P). we also watched the start of jumper.

we then went outside to look at the stars and decided that not only were we cold, but it was also insanely pretty. and so we went for a walk. we hung out on the playground across the road and then got about as far as the conrner before getting caught. lol

Then of course we come back here, giggling and completely high... lol and decide that we want to do something else stupid. like oh i dont know, jump in a freezing cold pool. hell yes. we were in for oh i dont know... a whole of about two minutes before getting out. lol

now we're just hyperactive and thinking maybe coffee would be good right now... teehee

Night everybody!

what do i look like? the wizard of freaking oz?

you need a brain? you need a heart?

go ahead. take mine.

...take everything i have...

im amazed at how quick you are to judge me. Don't even take five seconds to tell me why you suddenly hate me. Just make up accusations. Don't get me wrong, I understand that you were going on what he said. But that is quite low, just taking his word and not even coming to me, or talking to me about accusations that i didn't even know were being made against me until you messaged me when i was in the bathroom throwing up. Thank you so much.

I know that you constantly say that you don't trust people easily, but guess what? Neither do i. maybe more so than you... But i trusted you. With everything. And now... I don't. And you can't very well blame me for that. Though i'm sure you will listen to him and decide to hate me for the rest of eternity... It just shocks me. Is what she said the other day true? Do you really not trust me enough to just believe that what they said is true without even talking to me?

I'm not even really sure what i supposedly did. But i'd never intentionally do anything to hurt you or to make you lose your trust in me. So, if I really did do something, i'm sorry. But i'd appreciate you talking to me about it rather than sprouting accusations.

I will have you know that no i am not anorexic.

Do I look anorexic to you? Have you SEEN some of my friends? You know, the ones who aren't anorexic but at least LOOK it. Gah, i'm not freaking well anorexic OKAY?

there ain't no motive for this crime...

is there a motive for the way we're all treating each other at the moment? Well... yes, i suppose there is. Those who have been bitched about recently, i'd like to point out that generally there is a reason for it.

Some of you know exactly what that is and you're working on it... Others, like me, are confused as to what we did and really just want someone who is honest enough to tell them what they've done wrong... And then there's others who have been told and wont listen... there are others who know what they're doing and continue to do it anyway for the hell of it.

Congratulations to those working on it. You're doing a brilliant job. You really are.

To those who have no idea, im sorry you're as confused as I am. And if anyone out there is bitching about these people, the ones who truely didnt realise they'd done anything wrong... Just tell us so that we can fix it.

Those of you who wont listen, well maybe you need to start taking in the things you've been told a million times now that you just keep brushing off.

And those of you who do it for the hell of it, well you all need to grow up.

Gosh, if you dont give people stuff to bitch about then they wont. or they shouldnt.

If someone is upset with you, then maybe you need to realise why. Maybe you need to put yourself in their shoes and think about why they might be upset or angry. Wouldn't you be just the same if situations were reversed?

happy is a yuppy word.

What does yuppy mean?

i have no idea.

But i bees happy, and not even you can squish it right now. I'm letting myself believe and now... I'm happier than i have been in ages. If it wasnt for those two other things... Then everything would be alright now. Sorta.

when will all the fighting end?
When will all the fighting end?
When will all the failures rise
When will all the failures rise, rise!
Happy is a yuppie word
Nothing in the world could fail me now
It's empty as an argument
I'm running down a life that won't cash out
Happy is a yuppie word
Blessed is the man who's lost it all
Happy is a yuppie word

Its surprising and a little sad really, how easy it is to find out who really cares. I have to say, I was surprised. What about you? Were you surprised?

We've all been there... Or else we will... And its quite amazing really to see the difference between those who will care about you, and those who will expect your every thought to go to them. Sure, other people are suffering at the same time as you. But sometimes, when you're there for them... And they don't give a crap about you...

I was happy.

Thank you so much for ruining that.

It's just hard to continuously be there for people when you know that they will simply brush you off. You know that they will just... not care really, that you're upset or that you're hurting. They will just expect you to get over things. Well, guess what? It doesn't happen. You don't just wake up one morning suddenly over the only thing that held you together for the past two or so years. Things don't happen like that. Maybe i'll never get over it. Maybe its not going to happen that way. Maybe YOU need to take a look at the people who have worked so hard to be there for you. Take a look at how they ARE holding up. How they WERE holding up. How they WILL hold up in the future.

If someone is there for you... Don't they deserve the same in return?

So i will take Mrs Simons advice, i shall use my pleases and thank yous.

Please grow up and take a look at the world around you.

And thank you for making me feel like absolute shit when I was happy for the first time in oh i dont know, six weeks? Yeah... Really appreciate that one.

Maybe you should look at what's right in front of you.

youdosomethingtomethaticantexplainsowouldibeoutoflineifisaidimissyouiknowillseeyouagainwhetherfarorsoonbutineedyoutoknowthaticareandimissyou...

~giggles uncontrollably~

hope is a funny thing. it makes you believe that things can change. it makes you believe that things can be better. it makes you believe that the impossible is attainable. it makes you feel like you have a chance.