So. Challenge for this year dearies is this: COMMENT ON EVERY BLOG YOU READ.

i mean gosh, how depressing is it to log on and open your blog and go 'no one commented :( again :( i guess no one reads my blog.... :(' and we all think it. admit it.

so from now on, everyone comment on everyone elses. even if you have nothing to say and leave a random comment such as 'fish poo purple strepsils glass haribrush love you'

lets quit being so... idk. ..idk. lets just comment on each others blogs and make each other feel speciful :D

kthxbai

ps, louise staberfail and aberfail are great other names. staberfoyle is still best though.

Dear Last Ever First Day Back,

You were rather anticlimatic. All we heard all day was that we need to study and work hard and push ourselves and be good role models and reach our full potention rahrahrah. This of of course leads to me stressing myself out even more than I already was. That is at least until I got home and realised I don't even have any homework...

I guess it wasn't too bad.
Kthxbai

Dear Strepsils,

You soothe my throat with your Honey and Lemon-ey goodness. I think it's love. ♥

Kthxbai

Dear Queen Bitch-face,

I know you're in some weird funk at the moment and its making you hate everyone. But it would be really nice if you tried smiling and saying nothing instead of emotional abuse.

Kthxbai

Dear School,

I know it's weird. But I'm actually kinda looking forward to spending 5 days a week in you over about 32 weeks in the coming months (Jeez Leish, can't just say 'spending time in you' or something easier like that?). I mean, ask me in a week or two when the work has really started and I''m completely weighed down with assignments, and I may not necessarily agree with myself. In fact I'll probably plea temporary insanity........

Kthxbai

Dear Charming,

I know youre probably sick of me saying this... But I'm actually really kinda... Idk, annoyed? Weirded out? idk which... That my dad doesnt even know your fucking NAME! I mean, gosh.

How retarded.

I miss you :( even though I only just saw you yesterday... But still... :(

kthxbai xx

Dear Lady GaGa,

What exactly is a Disco Stick?

That is all.

Dear Bratty Little Children,

The term is 'Rewind' not 'Fast-Backwards'.

Kthxbai

Dear whats-your-face,

You're pissing me off. Like seriously. There were points today where I could have screamed at you. I really don't like being taken for granted by people. So you know... If you want to be my friend, can you be my friend all the time and not just when there's no one else? Yeh? Cos if not that's fine. Just... Don't pretend to like me and bitch behind my back. Cos I really do not have the patience to deal with back-stabbing and bitching this year. So if that's the way you're going to behave then you can stay away from me.

Kthxbai

Dear Gitterbell,

Looking at some of your pics is reminding me of how much fun some of this holidays has been. It's flown by so fast. Let's make this year a good year too, mmk??

Kthxbai

Dear Bitch,

You made me break my promise not to bitch :\

Cut it out mmk?

Kthxbai

Big Week Out is over for another year. That makes me quite sad... I don't know if i wrote about BWO last year or not. But I do have a little to say this year.

For those of you who don't know what it is BWO is basically a week where youth from the local churches come together and worship and serve the community. which may not sound like much fun. but it is. exhausting, yet fun.

so this week i sprained my wrist. And i know, you're all thinking 'how? some strenuous heavy lifting? you fell over?' but to be honest, i did it doing nothing. i know. how boring. couldn't i have done it like... i don't know... falling off a unicycle or something? at least that would have been interesting...? lol.

anyway. basically what this means is that for most of the week I've only had the use of one hand, being my left hand. and I'm right handed and rather heavily reliant on the use of my right hand. which means that I've been having fun trying to remember not to wave, hi five people, open doors, open bags, open drink bottles, paint train station murals, dance, and babysit (and probably many more that i cant think of right now) with my right hand, but rather struggling to do all of the above things with my inadequate left hand.

i suppose this event is one that impacts on my personal growth. and especially on my relationship with god... i guess even though its so tiring, strenuous and at times downright stressful and frustrating, the week has essentially been very refreshing for me. i suppose i needed it. although up until i got there i was still going 'oh... i don't know... maybe I'd be better off working... and sleeping in.. and seeing Charming... and new people, new people are scary, do i have to meet new people?'

but i have to say, some of the new people I've met are amazing. some of the people i already knew but have gotten to know that much better are amazing. and the opportunity to build these relationships over a week of working together is just awesome.

one particular day, i visited a nursing home with a group of five of us (including spike) where we attended a birthday party for three elderly residents and visited for a while with a lovely lady named Betty who showed us all of this craft work that she'd made including these adorable eggs and some photos of her great-grandkids. after said nursing home visit our group still had about an hour to kill so we decided to go to woodcroft shopping centre on the way home. we decided to go to a cafe thingo and get a coffee or whatever and sit around and chat until it was time to head back. i bought a pepsi. and then bought a milkshake for another guy in our group cos hes only like in yr 9... wait. no going into yr 10 this year. and had like not money and stuff. and i was like aww its not fair that we're all sitting here eating and drinking and shit and he isnt. so i bought him a milkshake. and then later in the car on the way back our leader asked us what the best thing about our day was. and this guy said 'well personally i really enjoyed my milkshake.' basically im sharing this story cos it made me happy. lol. the fact that he enjoyed the milkshake and that i bought it for him idk... he was just realy appreciative of it. and idk... when people are that grateful about a milkshake, you know you've done a good thing.

anywhoooo... im off now.

ps, like my new blog template? i totally do :D

soooo. i was thinking. we should really rewatch some disney movies. see i was reading this article...

• a scene in The Little Mermaid where the priest has an erection
• in the little mermaid: watch carefully at the beginning when King Triton swoops down over the crowd. After he passes across the screen, below him and to his left Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy can be seen sitting in the crowd.
• in aladdin: in a scene where Aladdin is attempting to woo Jasmine and Rajah the tiger is accosting him, Aladin is heard saying, "Good teenagers take off their clothes."
• The Lion King: The word SEX is supposedly formed in the clouds above Simba's head after he watches his father die.

these are just some examples. so you know, i was thinking... seeing as i certainly havent seen disney movies in quite some time... maybe we should rewatch them some time and see if any of this is actually true. will totally laugh my arse off if there is serious adult humour in the movies i loved as a kid.

ps, i managed to hack into my neighbours internet. hurray for me.

EDIT

and i just found this and thought you guys might be interested...
this is the original cover for The Little Mermaid

if you look closely inside the red circle (zoomed in to the right) there is a rather ummm... -blushes- interestingly shaped object right in the middle of the castle.

this is actually hilarious.

Things you don't know:

• i cry everytime you leave me for it
• it makes me feel insecure when my company is not as important to you as some fantasy world
• i say things i dont mean in moments of disappointment or insecurities
• One Tree Hill makes me cry sometimes... that's part of the reason i watch it. among other shows/movies that make me cry.
• somehow crying over fake peoople's lives seems less pathetic than crying about my own...
• i would rather be miserable than make you unhappy or than stop you from doing something you want to do.
• some days i almost wonder whats more important. i know its stupid... but... never mind.
  
• i still think that a lot of people's lives would be better, easier and more carefree if they'd never met me... yours especially.
• maybe your lives would be better if i didnt even exist...
• and more importantly than all of this, im sorry for this post and im sorry it will probably just get you more pissed off with me but... im sorry. its just... the way i feel i guess. and i should have just said it. but i didnt. cos hey, im a sucker for tears right? anything to hurt myself more.
  
• maybe you should just leave me...
  

the name of this blog has officially changed.

because this year has to be about finding myself again.

i need to find who i am again. i need to figure my life out. i need to find myself.

***

they say we leave this world the way we came into it - naked and alone.

so if we leave with nothing, what then is the measure of a life? is it defined by the people we choose to love? Or is life simply measured by our accomplishments?

or what if we fail? or are never truly loved? what then? can we ever measure up? or will the quiet desperation on a life gone by wanting. drive us mad...?

did you ever wonder is we make the moments in our life or if the moments in our life make us?

Henry James once wrote : 'be not afraid of life. believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.'

i'm 18 next year this year. Legally an adult. But surely thst can't be right. I'm just a child. We're all just kids...

It's not supposed to be this way. Not yet. Not for years. Not until we're old. Not til we're adults. Not til we're 18. Which is.... This year apparently... For me anyway.

I'm not ready to be ending high school. I'm not ready to choose the direction of my life. I'm not ready for uni preferences and TER scores and growing up.

I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know. And I can't keep saying 'i'll work it all out in year 12'. Cos guess what sunshine. This is year 12. Year 12 is now.

We can't wait for it. We can't go 'it's ages away'. We can't run from it. We can't hide. Because it's not ages away now. It's here. It's now.

This is the crucial year. This is the year I need to do well in my classes. This is the year I need to get good grades and ace exams and special studies. This is the year I need to decide what I want to study for the next four or so years. This is the year I fight for what I want in my life.

But first I need to work out what the hell it is I want.

Of all things, the only thing I'm sure of is that I want him.

And amazingly, by some miracle; I'm almost positive he wants me too. Forever.

Aside from that... I guess I'm just a mystery. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I don't know where my life is going.

I can't shake this weird feeling I've got in the pit of my stomach that this year will be bad. Good. But bad. There will be happy moments. But... Something in me has this weird feeling that this year is going to be filled with despair. And suffering. And pain.

I hope to hell that this is just a feeling... That it will pass. And that everything will be fine. I think that by now we all deserve a bit of a break for the hardest year of our schooling. That being said, I don't feel like many other people are involved. I think this is about me.

But I don't know if I can take a hard year.

I don't know if I can fight through pain at the same time as keeping my grades up, achieving my goals.

You know. Maybe that's the reason behind my questions last night... Not that I'm saying one of us will die. Because that cannot happen. I will not let that happen.

But this year will mean something. Something will happen this year. Something to change things.

I don't know how I know this. I don't. I just know it. Something is going to happen this year.
-8 days-

First things of this year...

First Movie: The Young Victoria

First TV Show: One Tree Hill

First Song: When The Day Met The Night - Panic

First Food: potato bake

First Drink: Non-Alchoholic Champagne

First Hug: Louise

First Mistake: umm.. not making louise go outside before she spilt non-alcoholic champagne all over my floor

First Word: 'Happy New Year'
First Lie: 'Louise's parents are just at a family friends place in One Tree Hill, staying the night'

First Blog Entry: This one :)

First Cool Idea: umm, havent had one yet...