someone once said that good girls keep diaries, but that bad girls don't have time. me, i just want to live a life that i remember, even if i don't write it down. ♥
you can cut the atmosphere with a knife, it's just so tense and cold.
its amazing how you can go from having a fun, laid back afternoon to all this crap. to this house that feels less like a home, and more like a prison. to this place where no matter what you do... you just don't feel welcome... you don't feel like you belong...
Random facts for future reference:
The first day is the worst.
I like it hot.
I get cranky when I'm tired.
When I get bad head aches it helps if i lie in dark quiet rooms.
I like it cold.
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen is his face when he's asleep...
I like cuddles.
Sometimes I'd rather lie down, curl up and watch a movie than do anything else.
I don't like instant.
Nothing I can do will make you less disappointed in me.
I love falling asleep in his arms.
every time i see you i fall in love again.
i swear i still get butterflies. when your skin touches mine i feel tingly, half the time i end up with goosebumps.
its kinda weird how easily i readjust to being in your arms, to feeling your touch... and then how long it takes me to get used to the fact that you're not there anymore.
it hasnt even been that long. it was what? a week? and yet it feels like ages. not as long as that horrible two months. or the god awful three months earlier in the year. and no where near as bad by any stretch of the imagination. but... it just seems like a lifetime.
the thought of waiting until tuesday to see you again seems like someone is suggesting i chop my arm off.
it keeps getting stronger. even when i didnt think that was possible... i feel like my heart must be expanding or something... or that you keep reaching into different parts of it that i never realised existed and making them love you too...
i still think your eyes are three different colours, even though you say otherwise... but whatever they are, when i see them, when i see you look at me it just lights me up inside.
despite feeling like crap, and not being much fun to be around and really thinking im starting to come down with something... i loved spending time with you... i love spending time with you... i never really thought i could be so grateful just to be with someone... but i am.
i love you. i really love you.
im sick of dealing with your crap. you didnt do better than me. in fact, you did worse. so dont guilt trip me with expectations. i know you expected me to do better.
but you know what? i didnt. cos you know why? i couldnt.
i did my best.
and i messed up. ok?
so just... leave it.
leave me to be miserable.
i know you think you're perfect. but youre not. i know you think you're better than everyone. but youre not. i know you think i've failed you. but i havent.
no one could ever be as disappointed in me as you are. i know that. but you know what? i dont care. no one else is disappointed in me. so maybe your opinion doesnt even matter.
its not that bad... its really not.
so maybe its time you grow up, act your age and tell me 'well done, congratulations.' but of course, you wont.
because you can never just... be happy...
i dont know if im happy with it or not. i suppose i am. after all, thats pretty much what i've been sitting on all year. i suppose that its pretty good really. in fact, i know that its pretty good.
i just wonder why i felt such a sudden disappointment when i saw the number...
its a good result. certainly not a bad one. but... i don't know. i just don't know...
why can't i escape this feeling that i'm never going to get anywhere in life? that i'm never going to succeed in anything in life? that i'm never going to make anythign of my life?
why can't i escape this feeling that maybe all im doing here is wasting oxygen...?
i feel sick. i feel physically ill.
i dont know how to handle this. and i dont know what to do. and i really dont know why they have to hate it so much.
i cant handle their disapproval.
but i cant handle the thought of being without him even more.
they dont get to decide my life. and nothing they can say or do can change that.
fingers crossed i can tell them this and not throw up.
so it occured to me that i havent blogged in four days. FOUR WHOLE DAYS! i know. im as shocked as you are. like seriously, how is the world still spinning?
anyway. aside from my melodramatics about how obviously important my blog is to the survival of the world...
uhh can you ring people at 10 past 10? or is it too late? lol.
my world feels oddly at peace tonight.
i have no goals or direction in my life. no plans other than movies, seeing him, shopping, working, 'sleep'-ins, reading, watching movies, sitting on facebook/msn etc. and for once, no homework. which i suppose is obvious. because clearly school is over and therefore i have no reason to be doing assignments. no stress, no worries.
ok... so i lie. i do have stress. i do worry.
but for some reason tonight, i don't entirely know why... everything seems fine.
the whole world feels like its spinning the right way again. although ever so slightly off centre... because he cant be with me...
which makes me sound pathetic im sure.
but anyway, thats not what im getting at.
what i was intending to say is that aside from the loneliness thats eating away at me.... im good. i think... you know. tonight everything just seems simple. all i want tonight is him. he is all i need for tonight to just be... peaceful... right.
