Sunday, May 18, 2008



What would you do if you closed your eyes and suddenly the world disappeared? If you woke up and there was nothing there? I don't really know why but I've been thinking a lot lately… And I guess right now that's one of my biggest fears…that I'll wake up and everyone, everything will be gone.

And I guess not even dead either, like they are out of my reach. They are right there but it doesn't matter how much I stretch out my arm everyone and everything is always just beyond my reach. I've been having recurring nightmares about this sort of stuff… like I'll be randomly walking through the school and everyone around me will suddenly either run away or be shot or just fall down and die or even just randomly disappear. Or sometimes I'm like just randomly talking to someone and their face becomes a blob and their voice turns into one of those voiceover thingys they do to protect someone's identity.

Sometimes I just wish that things could go back to being simple. Back to the days of not having to be anything but ourselves and when that was enough. When adults expected nothing more of us than to be kids. When we didn't have to worry about assignments and tests and teachers and parents and constant pressure to conform.

Back in the days when pressure was deciding whether to have Nutella or Peanut Butter on our lunches. Or when pressure was trying to sneak into the classroom at lunch time to get a skipping rope without being caught by a teacher. These days it seems no one knows how we can make things easy or simple for ourselves despite how easy it should be.

The simplest of decisions takes ages to ponder and consider… and sometimes by the time you have worked up the momentum to do something the moment is gone and there is nothing you can do about it. You come so close to saying something, doing something that you know you should but then you panic at the last second and back out of it and then… You finally find the courage, you convince yourself just to do it, get it out of the way but by the time you have… there isn't an opportunity any more. It isn't the right time, it isn't the right place, it isn't appropriate. The list goes on. There is so much we can say or do or think to get us out of doing something just because we're scared.

I don't know about you but this whole year has been scary . So much has happened and… I don't know anymore if it's possible just to go back to how it used to be. It's like we laugh our way past "The Point Of No Return" and it seems like some huge joke…and then something happens and we realise 'No, I don't want to be here anymore. This isn't how it was. This isn't the way it was supposed to be.' And no matter how hard you try there is just no way to go back and start again. It doesn't matter anymore what you want or what anyone else wants. There is no way to get out without hurting everyone, losing everything. Without it all just coming tumbling down on top of you, causing everything to bend, everything to bend so far it just breaks. And once it's broken there's no way to go back and fix it because it's shattered into tiny pieces that can't be put back together, that can't be organised and sorted out and placed back where they should be and everything just…dies. There is nothing left to resolve because things are so broken that the original problem isn't even the problem anymore. It's like no matter how hard you try you just can't grasp onto it anymore and everything falls apart and you fall down and nothing can fix you again unless the pieces are put back together, unless everything is fixed but it just can't be anymore because the thing that needed it fixing in the first place is so out of reach because of everything else that's happened because of it and you can't fix that until you fix the problem and you can't fix the problem until you clean up anything else and you end up going around in never ending circles because no matter how hard you try you just can't fix it.

Sometimes you just feel so alone, like since you can't fix your own problems and you can't explain them to anyone else they can't help you either and eventually you just crash and burn and everything just falls to pieces around you. You feel like the sky is falling and that you are the only one that cares or even seems to notice that it could all end…that everything could be over. Like its all on your shoulders and you can't let go, you can't relax and you cramp up under the load. You can't put it down because no one else knows it's all falling and so no one else can hold it up. Sometimes you feel like it's getting to heavy, too big for you to hold up anymore, you can't take anymore bad news, you can't put up with anything else going wrong…And so you just let go. You let go and you cry and cry and cry but there's still nothing, still no one…You're just left sitting on the cold hard ground clutching the broken pieces of your life, of your world, wondering how it all got so messed up. You clutch the broken pieces so hard that your knuckles turn white and your hands begin to bleed, while you try to get back to your feet but you keep collapsing under the weight. You no longer feel like you can go on, all you want is some one to understand but no one ever does. No one can because you can't comprehend what you are going through yourself…

And if you don't understand then how the hell is anyone else supposed to? If you can't make sense of it all then how is anyone supposed to help? If you can't tell them then how come they can't see through everything and just see what it is? How come there isn't an easy way out of it all? Why is there no way to just lose the crap, lose the complications of life and everything be easy? Why does everything have to be so hard and so, so, so heavy? Why is it that when you finally decide to pass it along, share the "sky" you are holding up, something else happens and you crash and burn once more?

I wish I knew how to let people help…I wish I could find a way to share my sky but every time I get ready to try something else is thrown in my face and I can't see how I'm going to keep holding myself up for one more corner and suddenly I fall…The weight of everything just gets so heavy, so huge that I can't hold it up myself and I don't want to burden anyone else with it all and even if I did there would be no way that anyone else can hold it all up with me no matter how much they worried or wanted to help or even wanted to just take it all away it isn't possible. Sometimes it gets so bad that I think even if I could share the burden with anyone else no one could possibly be strong enough to help lift the load


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