cos i fear i might break and i fear i can't take it...

i'm 18 next year this year. Legally an adult. But surely thst can't be right. I'm just a child. We're all just kids...

It's not supposed to be this way. Not yet. Not for years. Not until we're old. Not til we're adults. Not til we're 18. Which is.... This year apparently... For me anyway.

I'm not ready to be ending high school. I'm not ready to choose the direction of my life. I'm not ready for uni preferences and TER scores and growing up.

I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know. And I can't keep saying 'i'll work it all out in year 12'. Cos guess what sunshine. This is year 12. Year 12 is now.

We can't wait for it. We can't go 'it's ages away'. We can't run from it. We can't hide. Because it's not ages away now. It's here. It's now.

This is the crucial year. This is the year I need to do well in my classes. This is the year I need to get good grades and ace exams and special studies. This is the year I need to decide what I want to study for the next four or so years. This is the year I fight for what I want in my life.

But first I need to work out what the hell it is I want.

Of all things, the only thing I'm sure of is that I want him.

And amazingly, by some miracle; I'm almost positive he wants me too. Forever.

Aside from that... I guess I'm just a mystery. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I don't know where my life is going.

I can't shake this weird feeling I've got in the pit of my stomach that this year will be bad. Good. But bad. There will be happy moments. But... Something in me has this weird feeling that this year is going to be filled with despair. And suffering. And pain.

I hope to hell that this is just a feeling... That it will pass. And that everything will be fine. I think that by now we all deserve a bit of a break for the hardest year of our schooling. That being said, I don't feel like many other people are involved. I think this is about me.

But I don't know if I can take a hard year.

I don't know if I can fight through pain at the same time as keeping my grades up, achieving my goals.

You know. Maybe that's the reason behind my questions last night... Not that I'm saying one of us will die. Because that cannot happen. I will not let that happen.

But this year will mean something. Something will happen this year. Something to change things.

I don't know how I know this. I don't. I just know it. Something is going to happen this year.
-8 days-