you know it struck me today that i have nothing to say.

like i can tell you all that im sick, and that i feel like crap and that my grandparents forgot about picking me up today. i could tell you that i slept for more than 11 hours on friday night. i could tell you that i am sick of studying or that the only reason im really online is hoping that he might come on (and that thats the only reason i've been on at all all weekend).

but you know what? none of that even matters. nothing i write here matters. and nobody is really interested in it. maybe its just a record...

a record of the small and insignificant things that happen in my life. things that nobody even cares about but me. and probably things that even i shouldnt care about sometimes...

but really, what does matter? do we as individuals even matter at all? what can one of us alone do? how much of an effect can one person have? and would the world really notice one person gone...? id like to think so... but im just not so sure...

Are you listening to anything I say? Because I've been praying... How many prayers can I pray? I'm still waiting, maybe you'll show up today. I know you're here but I can't feel you and if you're speaking I can't hear you. How much longer will this last? So, okay, answer me with silence, it's okay if you don't say a word. You're testing me to trust you'll be faithful in this quiet. So okay, answer me with silence...

okay so i totally dont have time to be blogging i should be doing legal studies work but oh well... lol. that line is just so weird. i mean... is it like encouraging you to kill them rather than divorce them? like what the hell?

Being silent is actually sorta easier than i expected. theres so many painted white faces walking around our school today, all in protest of slavery in south america and asia and africa and such.

teehee me and louise have our mime act pretty well sorted... its kinda weird though. i was doing that fake box thing, you know where you reach your hands out around you and pretend to reach walls as though youre in a box? yeah... and to be honest right now thats what i feel like. like im shoved in a box. for some people its a box of treasured possessions to be keep special and safe, while others have me in a box of worthless bits and pieces that theyre waiting to throw out, or just push to the back of a cupboard and forget about.

i feel like i cant show most of you who i am anymore... for fear of the rejection i got when i actually started being me, when i came out of my shell a bit and stopped being so completely fake. and now i've lost some of the more important people in my life... and im too scared to really be me anymore because im so so afraid that the rest of you will leave me too...

face paint is itchy. lol.