Things you don't know:

• i cry everytime you leave me for it
• it makes me feel insecure when my company is not as important to you as some fantasy world
• i say things i dont mean in moments of disappointment or insecurities
• One Tree Hill makes me cry sometimes... that's part of the reason i watch it. among other shows/movies that make me cry.
• somehow crying over fake peoople's lives seems less pathetic than crying about my own...
• i would rather be miserable than make you unhappy or than stop you from doing something you want to do.
• some days i almost wonder whats more important. i know its stupid... but... never mind.
  
• i still think that a lot of people's lives would be better, easier and more carefree if they'd never met me... yours especially.
• maybe your lives would be better if i didnt even exist...
• and more importantly than all of this, im sorry for this post and im sorry it will probably just get you more pissed off with me but... im sorry. its just... the way i feel i guess. and i should have just said it. but i didnt. cos hey, im a sucker for tears right? anything to hurt myself more.
  
• maybe you should just leave me...
  

every time i see you i fall in love again.

i swear i still get butterflies. when your skin touches mine i feel tingly, half the time i end up with goosebumps.

its kinda weird how easily i readjust to being in your arms, to feeling your touch... and then how long it takes me to get used to the fact that you're not there anymore.

it hasnt even been that long. it was what? a week? and yet it feels like ages. not as long as that horrible two months. or the god awful three months earlier in the year. and no where near as bad by any stretch of the imagination. but... it just seems like a lifetime.

the thought of waiting until tuesday to see you again seems like someone is suggesting i chop my arm off.

it keeps getting stronger. even when i didnt think that was possible... i feel like my heart must be expanding or something... or that you keep reaching into different parts of it that i never realised existed and making them love you too...

i still think your eyes are three different colours, even though you say otherwise... but whatever they are, when i see them, when i see you look at me it just lights me up inside.

despite feeling like crap, and not being much fun to be around and really thinking im starting to come down with something... i loved spending time with you... i love spending time with you... i never really thought i could be so grateful just to be with someone... but i am.

i love you. i really love you.

so i just thought i should inform you all that i has a new follower and that excites me cos he's cool like all my other lovely followers who for some crazy reason are interested in the shit boring crap that i post here.

-whispers and waves excitedly- hi ben

-10 days-

you know the problem with other people's pain? the fact that you cant fix it. you cant take it away. you cant share the burden. there is nothing, nothing, that you can do to take it away or make it better.

there is no pain like hers. and nothing that i can do to help her, to fix it, to make it better. all that i have the power to do is be there. and that makes me really sad. i wish that i could take it away, lift her burden on my own shoulders and suffer her hurt myself just so that she doesnt have to go through that.

she's going to have to live with that pain for the rest of her life. the pain of losing a child she hadn't even been given the chance to get to know yet. all because of him and what he did.

-10 days-

im seriously considering deleteing this blog, but i'll probably just keep writing crap that noone reads or cares about... -shrug- sometimes I wonder what the point is....

-9 days-

Again he hit her. Harder and harder. Each blow brought a sharper pain into her stomach. 'You stupid selfish whore!' he cried out, hitting her harder, harder. 'How could you disgrace this family?' One more sharp punch and she fell to the ground, weeping.












Her baby was a stillborn.

-8 days-

totally the most awkward conversation ever to overhear:

Some chick listening to her iPod and talking on her mobile outside Muffin Break.

'...I'm getting lunch and istening to lesbian music. (pause) Yeah, The L Word soundtrack. I'm working on becoming lesbian again. (laughs) I'm just kidding. I'm still going to drive stick. (pause) That's what happens when you're a cock whore. You can't just give it up cold turkey...'

Meanwhile I turn to Alice and we both smother laughs.


-8 days-

Dear Serena,

i miss you... i wants to see you, i wants a hug... i love you. and i hope everything is okay.

Love you lots,

Love leish
---

Just to clarify to anyone who read my previous post, i love him and he loves me, we're both just weird and have celebrity crushes lols.

-6 days-

Okay, so none of you want to read about this i know. but i intend to tell you anyway. after all, what is the point of having a blog if not to annoy you all with random details of my life that none of you want to hear? of course... that would be the reasoning if people actually read this shit.

Anywho, the point is, i was lying on my bed talking to Glitter. When i suddenly looked down and before i could stop it, in another feat of verbal diarrhoea I blurted out 'MY BOOBS SUDDENLY LOOK BIGGER'.

Next thing i knew i was hit by a pillow.

In other news, Glitter has also decided that Ben Feldman looks like my boyfriend. However, i don't really see the resemblance although apparently im the only one. anyway, the point is i love ben feldman -giggles-. however, charming takes the cake acos i love him betterer.


however, i has an excuse, he's like in love with kirsten dunst, to whom i could never compare. :D Anywho, ya'll has a good night :D

-6 days-

everything is burning down, everything is falling apart, everythign is crumbling beneath our feet...

'Its like chasing the very last train when we both know it's too late...'

its like a chain reaction.

one thing falls apart, and the rest crumbles after it...

-5 days-

i just want to be with him... just for a while... is that really so much to ask...?

-4 days-

i now officially have no purpose in life...

you know up until now the only thing i've really wanted out of life is to be a good mother...

but i can see that that is not going to happen. i'm going to make an awful mother.

maybe i just wont be one.

i mean i cant even keep one bratty twelve year old child to stop screaming and crying and demanding for just an hour.

god help me if any child of mine turns out like Angel here.

but thats okay... it wont because im not having children.

because if i have children i'll just fuck them up.

i cant even keep a twelve year old brat from crying.

because she thinks that if she cries she'll get whatever she wants.

and while my parents may work that way, i dont.

so im not just going to give her whatever she wants and she cant handle that which makes her cry and scream and abuse me which in turn makes me cry.

god, im going to be the world's most awful mother...

thats it. im not having kids. not now. not ever.

...not that i intended to have kids now... but thats not the point.

im never ever having children because i will fuck them up...

what the hell am i going to do with my life now...?

--i wish i could talk to you...--

and if you stay with me, honestly it's what i want...but if you stay with me i'll only hurt you more. so won't you save yourself, by leaving me now for someone else? if i'm crying out, don't listen to it. it's only my heart... it's only my heart... but im not strong enough to say goodbye...

i suppose im greedy. i love you too much to let you go. you make me too happy for me to let you go... i need you too much to let you go...

i don't want to lose you. in fact... it's more than that.. i can't lose you... i'm incapable of living through that again...

but... i dont know...

i just dont know...


...don't leave me... please don't leave me...