you know it struck me today that i have nothing to say.

like i can tell you all that im sick, and that i feel like crap and that my grandparents forgot about picking me up today. i could tell you that i slept for more than 11 hours on friday night. i could tell you that i am sick of studying or that the only reason im really online is hoping that he might come on (and that thats the only reason i've been on at all all weekend).

but you know what? none of that even matters. nothing i write here matters. and nobody is really interested in it. maybe its just a record...

a record of the small and insignificant things that happen in my life. things that nobody even cares about but me. and probably things that even i shouldnt care about sometimes...

but really, what does matter? do we as individuals even matter at all? what can one of us alone do? how much of an effect can one person have? and would the world really notice one person gone...? id like to think so... but im just not so sure...

It's August. The eighth month of the year. Of my eighteenth year on this earth.

I know that i've already posted stuff about this, about how I feel like so much of the year has passed and I haven't actually achieved anything.

But seriously, Lauren reminded me today that we're in August, and I almost cried. Because I'm retarded... But also, because I realised how much time has gone by, and what do i have to show for it? A couple of hundred dollars in the bank? What have I done with my 8 months?

I'll tell you exactly what. I've worked, I've gone to school, I've gone to youth friday nights. I'll occassionally do stuff with friends. I've passed up hundreds of assignments. I've recieved multiple A's and a few B's. I've...

I've spent my days sitting in classrooms, and my nights sitting in front of my desk doing homework. I've spent my weekends working, and I've come home from work, only to sit in front of my desk and do some more homework.

I haven't done anything with my year.

And to be honest, I don't think I have done much with my life.

If I died tomorrow, what effect wouold my life have had? None. Because I haven't done anything with it.... But I don't know what I should have done with it, what I should do with it, or how to do something with my life...