I picked up my coffee cup and leant against the window, feeling the warmth from the coffee heat my cold, shaky hands, watching the July rain beat down outside. I sighed bitterly, there was so much left to do before the end of the weekend and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t force myself to move from the window.

I felt tears fall down my cheeks and knew that I should have stopped them. I knew that I mustn’t allow myself to fall into that trap. I couldn’t cry. I wouldn’t let myself. Placing my mug down, I stood up and began to walk towards my computer.

I tripped over. Tripped over nothing. Because that is just how uncoordinated I am. I was on the floor. I was in pain. I was already crying. I lay down, curled up and allowed myself to be consumed by my tears, by my pain, by my fear.

somedays i make it through but then theres nights that never end...



argh. ~hates homework~ stupid teachers and their stupid assigning of stupid homework ~bashes school work with baseball bats~ i dont want to tonight... ~burns our school and that of each of our friends down so that we wont have to go for a while~

Who's up for coffee tomorrow? there won't be a school for any of you to go to anyway =P

No, I'm not talking about money. I haven't got any of that to burn a hole in my pocket!

I'm talking more about the letter. See, Friday is the deadline for me, the day I have to do the one thing I really don't want to do. And I know for a fact that I can't talk to him without messing i up, not saying what i want to say the way i want to say it. Besides, if I say it out loud, he can (and will) interupt me. And then, I'll get distracted and only be further away from getting to my point...

So I've written a letter. One which I will give to him, and then wait for him to read so that he may abuse me or yell at me or hate me as much as he wishes to to my face... And we can talk over anything that needs to be discussed for his sake, and I still get to say what i have to say.

But this letter... I don't know. It's pretty much what I want to say, I mean it doesn't explain how much this is hurting me to do, but I wouldn't want it to. Just like I don't want to cry, because I know him. And he WILL try and comfort me, and it's not his place to have to do that. That is not fair on him. That is up to me.

It's just, I've been having nightmares recently. For a few weeks. Now it's not the same... Before I woke up screaming, crying. Now one nightmare just fades into the next, the letter always present. The letter, driving me insane.

Its kind of weird though to think... I mean, this is it. The last time I saw a movie with him (Twilight if anyone was interested) will be the last time I'll see a movie with him maybe ever. The last time he hugged me...

That one is a touchy subject. The four guys in my life who give the best hugs... And now, after this... Only one of them is still around to give those amazing hugs. And i'm losing the best one yet. And if he never forgives me, which would be perfectly understandable... Then I'm never going to hug him ever again. And even if he does forgive me, I somehow doubt that I'll still get long comforting hugs from him, even though he gave me those when we were friends before hand, i doubt that will continue.

And really, that will be one of the things I'll miss most.

And having coffee and talking... and... Just, being able to tell him everything.

And knowing that he'll be there for me...

And love me...

And the miserable truth of it all is that I don't want to do this so much that it's leading me once more into doubt of God. Of course, I will do this. Because God said to. And even if I doubt right now that it will work out in the end... Well, all I have going for me is my faith. My faith that everything will work out fine. Better than fine.

He will be happy, he will find the right girl for him (the girl that I can't be, no matter how much i wish I could).

And maybe somewhere out there, there is the right guy for me too.

Much love and lollypops,

Leish xox

--how did we get here when i used to know you so well--