how long is forever? cos i thought we might last. how long is a lifetime? cos i thought we had longer.

As sad as it probably makes me sound, i'm clinging to that part of me that believes we still have a chance.

Everywhere I look, something or someone is reminding me of the importance of love. Whether it be the countless friends who are visibly falling in love, or my daily devotions deciding to tell me that there is nothing more important, or more vital than love, and of course with stupid freaking Valentines Day on Saturday, the ads and shows and popups and whatever else is enough to drive you insane when love is the one thing you're trying to live without.

i mean, i'm happy for all of the close friends who've recently gotten it together... So, noone can say that i'm not. It's more along the lines of, i miss who i was, i miss who we were and how we were... i miss being loved and i miss loving him...

Not to say that he doesnt still love me, or that i dont still love him. Its more that... we can't show that anymore. I miss feeling loved. And i miss loving. Loving him, loving others and loving life.

Because... I don't. Well, i don't love life right now at least. Other people are too hard to stop loving, but its not the same.... And if you try getting me to give up loving him... Well, i'm afraid that there is just absolutely no way in the world that that is going to happen.

And one day i will be unable to keep this up. I can feel myself failing already. I cannot last too long like this. There is no meaning to this anymore. And there is no point.

One day, I will fail. I know that in the deepest depths of my heart. One day, I will fail.

I was trying today, to think about you with someone else. I guess it made me cranky. Everyone pissed me off today, everyone made me feel bitter and angry and hurt. And not because they did anything to me. Because I was doing it to myself.

I will be happy for you. When you find her. Because you will.

I’m sure she’s pretty. And has a beautiful genuine smile. And is smart. And funny. And… Perfect.

She’s probably nothing like me… Which is probably a good thing.

I will be happy for you and I won’t let on how much it hurts.

And I shall do the best friend thing to do, and hug you and demand to meet her so that we can become good friends and bitch about you behind your back :P (sorry, it’s a girl thing).

But until this happens, I will always wish that things could change. And I will always wish that things had been different.

Maybe one day we will both go our separate ways, and we will both move on and be happy with someone else. But you’ll still be my best friend. And somewhere inside me, I’ll still love you. Because I don’t think that you can make it go away. I don’t think that anything could make what we have disappear. It will always be there, in some way, shape or form. Because what we have is had was too strong to lose completely. It was too strong to go away all together.

Maybe one day our paths will cross again.

Maybe one day things will be different.

Cos I don't know what to say. And I don't know if it's right to tell you that. And I don't know if you really want to hear it. It amazes me. It really does. I always knew you were strong, you've always been way stronger than me, I'm sure almost everyone in the world knows that. But... I don't know. Is this too much for you?

How honest are you really being with me? How straight are you being with me? Cos... I don't want to hurt you. And I don't want you to think you're hurting me. You're my best friend (well, one of a few). And no matter what happens with us I will love you. Always and forever. But...

No. Not 'but'ing. Not today. Well... Not right now, we can save that for later.

It's just that I am truely sorry.

You can talk to me. And regardless of anything else I do want to hear it. I still want to hear it all.

The only thing is that it hurt me. Not this, not now, not what we said... even though it still hurts like hell, even though the other thing still hurts like hell... Even though everything that has changed...

But I can't even think about it. I can't even talk about it.

Not now, and not today. Not in the near future. And maybe not ever. Maybe none of them will ever find out. Maybe only one of the people who will ever read this will ever know. Because you will read this. But maybe none of the rest of them will ever really know.

But maybe one day... Maybe one day I can try and explain...

Maybe one day, someone will listen.

Maybe one day, things will change.